Dear Poet,
I have tried not to take a concentrated interest in the Elian Gonzalez situation for a variety of reason. Status quo for American immigration policies present an uncanny resemblance to Darwinism. If you are fit enough to traverse the raging ocean, you can stay. But if we catch you first, say hey to Castro for us. Secondly, those who are fortunate enough to circumvent written policies - not the status quo here - are brandishing their achievements in our face with their resistance of law and order in preventing government intervention. I understand the the heavy hearts of fellow Americans and those of refugees for their native blood, however if you judge insubordinace with these glasses on - you spit on democracy. The real controversy here, though, is covert. International relations are paramount with the very real threat of nuclear war. The decision about Elian is being decided because of that - there are very important people with very big guns watching us. If I were the proverbial Judge Ito, my solution would be to put the boy back on the raft where we found him - allowing him to float by chance to the shores of his new home. All jest aside.

Dear Anxiuosly Awaiting,
Lifeguard: We are all quilty of this at one time or another. Often the lie is made as people part for some time as an extension of their good-byes. There are two ways to examine this situation though - your belated buddy is either really busy or he/she for some reason would rather not have contact with you. Of course your letter or e-mail could have never been received - but more often than not that excuse is a cop out in the face of confrontation. So what to do? I would try again, one more time. Best case scenario - he/she will realize that you have broken the unwritten two-contacts-in-a-row rule and correct the error of his ways, or allowing that he did not in fact receive your first letter he/she will be happy to finally hear from you. Worse case scenario, you'll feel like Forrest Gump on the bus. Seats taken, can't sit here. To show him/her that you are serious though - i suggest having Clinton deliver your bidding. And if that doesn't work, sign em up for free porn by mail, put their name in the classifieds as having free puppies to good home, and next time you see them out in public ask rather loudly "How are those Genital Herpes?"
Gwen-G:
Currently unavailable but will be answering soon!

Dear Amy,
Not even the squirrels know the answer to that one Amy. The truth is that guys like yours are always the ones who get the girls. He has you - and he knows that. So he doesn't feel like he needs to try and keep you close with all the niceties that most look for in a relationship. I won't back down - girls are scandalous - but a guy who is scandalous is a guy with a girlfriend. Meanwhile, ease your pain.

Dear Austin,
Lifeguard: I'm having trouble with you knowing that squirrels are making faces at you while you sleep. But forgiving the fact that you shouldn't be able to actually see this while sleeping, my initial instinct is that you may have a box of Clusters hanging about in your room. In all probabability, your efforts to thwart this furry woodland creature will prove unsuccessful. And even worse, it could land you in a heap of trouble with PETA. And the evidence of pre-meditation would be recorded right here. I didn't mean to do it - I'm just answering the questions.
Gwen-G:
Currently unavailable but will be answering soon!

Dear Batenchuk,
The answer is quite simple. Batenchuck could chuck so much wood that when some one else would offer to chuck batenchuck's wood, it could and probably would take six hours.