I figure it's about time I post something, since I havn't for over a month now. What has happened since I last posted?
Well, I quit my job and took an offer at my old place of employment. I went to Seattle for Six Days. I got to visit Christopher while I was there...and I bought some cd's, ate some fish, took a ferry, and went to some clubs.I'm sorry for not being excessively chipper today.
Sunday is only two days away. Sunday I'll be at the Minnesota Renn-Fest with my friend Ronny and his Mother (and possibly Astro + Dale)
So, synchronicitious events have been freaking me out----Full Tilt Boogie!
My radio.sonicnet.com station kept playing
Born Slippy [Nuxx] 9:43(Underworld)
And songs from Prodigy off their Charly albumAnd people kept saying things that were things that used to have significance.
Someone Even Said Something To Me about Me having Scars!I listened to the tape two days ago while I was taking a shower and getting ready for work.
The stereo tried to eat the tape.I don't know what to do
Am I supposed to try to glean some new insight from all this?
Am I supposed to contact him?And why did an online friend of his forward me his new contact/moving info email?
Today is cold....and i'm sitting alone in my room while i'm typing this.
A chill shiveres over my skin.
And I can't shake the feeling that I'm Haunted.
posted by MorviuM 9/1/2000 1:29:44 PM
It's Friday today. Last night, I watched part of Pulp Fiction (wasn't the first time) but fell asleep not even halfway through. I woke up around 8:30 to the blasting sound of static.
I must be ManStrating, because I'm going through little emotional storms constantly. It's been going on for a couple days now. At the moment, I'm on a downward trend. It feels like all I ever do is work and sleep. But also, nothing really sounds like very much fun either. I've been thinking about Charlie alot these last couple of days. Even though this journal site was created with the intention to be able to vent some of my shit, it's still really difficult to talk about him. I don't know if anyone else ever reads these entries, so I guess it's just a dysfuntional personal denial thing.I was reading People Magazine yesterday while I was eating some cereal. There was a short little story about a couple who had been highschool sweethearts, lost track of eachother, recently found eachother after like 74 years and got married.
I cried into my Cocoa Pebbles.Sometimes it's hard to remember the past...
It's been a long, difficult couple of years. Trying to forget, and failing every time. I was so naive. I'm not anymore. I suppose I'm jaded, although I'm not entierly certain that's the best word to describe myself. I'm not the same person I was back then. I don't FEEL things the same way as I used to, and I don't react in the old ways.I feel very lonely...
Not like I don't have anybody, just that there isn't anything of the calibur I've expirenced.
I crave the level of connection I once had.
Today, I'm craving it a lot.
posted by MorviuM 7/14/2000 10:06:13 AM
I'm over at Ronny's apartment at the moment. I have to get my stuff togeather, zip home at mach 8, pretty myself up and be to work at 1pm. The point of this entry is that I just spent an hour looking through kanji symbols. There is a point.Two days ago, MattZ came up to hang out with me. We slagged around for a little while, and then went to dinner at Fridays in Plymouth. Afterwards we tried to see Chicken Run, but the theater seemed very busy so we went to wyrd for a bit, and then walked a little around Lake Calhoun. Oddly enough, on the way back up Lake Street, some dumbass almost ran us down as we crossed the bike path. The guy yelled something at us like "you guys are FAGS arn't you?" I wanted to yell, "Come back! I'll fuck you up the ass and show you just how gay I am!" Instead I babbled something inane at Matt and we continued on. We eventually made our way over to Ronny's where we watched Beauty and the Beast. We took off and went back to my house, and went to bed. So then yesterday we dropped my car off at Tires Plus and actually saw Chicken Run. Afterwards, we picked up my car, and Matt decided to go home. I picked up Ronny and we went over and hung out with Tom for a while. When Ronny and I left, I drove him home, then came in and hung out for a while. He eventually went to bed, and I stayed up watching The Pillow Book. So that's basically the point. I want Kanji symbols tattooed on my back, so I was looking through lists of them.
I know this isn't a very eloquent entry. It's basic---pure function. But I've kept myself fairly cloudy this last week in the vain attempt to ward off my constant THINKING.
*sigh*"The power of the mind is absolute."
But the power of nicotine is much more sustaining.
I'm off to nic-up and get my shit done before work.
posted by MorviuM 7/11/2000 10:34:31 AM
Today at work was hell. The "International 2000 Convention" began today. 50,000+ Alcoholic Anon. members. It was SO busy at work today...I suppose that's what I get for working at the hotel closest to the Minneapolis Convention Center. It was absolutely horrid. One harbinger bitch actually made one of my coworkers stress out so bad that she went into the back office and cried. SHE MADE HER RESERVATION WRONG!!! It's not our fucking fault. We went out of our way to try to find them a room, to help them in any way possible, and nothing was good enough.Note to Bitch: "You made Allison cry. You are a horrible, horrible human being. Allison is all that is sweet and innocent. I hate you, die die die."
So now that I'm over that, we can move along. I apologize for my "behavior." After dealing with the AA people all day, there wasn't a thing that could help me unwind. So me and Cindi decided to go to It's Greek To Me for some saginaki and wine. We got a bottle of Greek Red. It was liquid wonderment.
So I've got a bit of a red-wine-buzz going. Kiss my ass.
It was very nice to spend some quality time with Cindi. We don't see very much of eachother anymore. Random change of shifts at work, and an occasional outing. We chatted and gossiped and had a lovely dinner. (I still love you Cinner!)
I don't have all that much to discuss tonight, so I'm pretty much done with this entry.
OH! Two quick things.
1) Christopher: You are all that is digital. You are a search engine. Thank you for the links, you'll keep me entertained for weeks. I still worship the ground you walk on, even though it's 2000 miles away.
2)MattZ (aka: the rockstar) is comin up this evening to....hang out. That should be fun. I think we're fairly down with eachother online. Randomness is a good thing.Anyway, it's about time for me to splash into wine-induced-DreamSleep.
later kiddies!
posted by MorviuM 6/29/2000 12:46:26 AM
This last weekend was GLBT Twin Cities Pride. The third Pride I've been to. Melanie and her friend Bri came with me to the parade. We arrived WAY too early, and ended up sitting in the sun for a long time. My sisters(2) met me in front of Bravo Burrito at 11:30am just before the parade started to come past. The parade is always entertaining, but there are so many politicians and churches that march to show their support, it actually tends to get a bit boring. I had the forethought to drink 1/3 out of a bottle of Pepsi and fill the empty third back in with Bacardi. I was quite sedate.
After the parade, my sister's took off. Melanie, Bri, and I walked back to my car, drove over and picked up Ronny, and came back. About five minits after we hit the first booth, it started to rain. By this time I had finished my first Pepsi/Bacardi and had moved on to a second (stronger) version. Anyway, too make a long story short, I ran into alot of people I wasn't really internally able to deal with. Nick (aka: Bartender Nick----"The Ex") was hanging around outside the Beer Garden, presumably DRUNK. He came over, said "Hi Girls!" and hugged Bri (whom I don't think he's said more than ten words to.) Since I didn't recieve eye-contact, I think it's safe to assume that we're not pretending to be friends anymore.I knew I should have bet money on how long that was going to last. *shrug*
So we made a circut, ran across Kluge, Greg, and assorted other people from IRC. Over by the bridge/gardens I saw this guy that I had sorta kinda tried to talk to (failed) but who looks at me frequently. He confuses me. But...I showed interest, and he didn't follow up on it, so.........whatever.
Shortly thereafter, we ended up passing by the Beer Garden again. This time I saw Charlie. Been a long time since I've seen his face anywhere. He was with his partner, who I never really got a very good look at. We circled around and took off after that. As we turned from Grant onto Nicollet, Charlie and his Partner slipped out from the Secret Greenway Sidewalk about a half a block in front of us. Turns out they live a short way past where I work (Holiday Inn Express) but it was still eerie. Especially considering how often I keep hearing about him.
It aggravates me that everyone thinks it's distant past just because I don't talk about it all the time. Charlie had this line he used to say once in a while that "time has a way of making things irrelevent." I understand the truth and simplicity behind that statement now, especially in regards to Charlie.
Time made us irrelevent....or made him...or me.
Irrelevence isn't the same as Forgetting or Fading. I still remember everything, and I still think about him often. I just don't talk about him anymore. Cole Sear, the character played by Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense explained it best by saying "I don't draw like that anymore.....they don't have meetings about rainbows." I've also become adept at turning conversations away from things I'm tired of talking about. (score 200 for me)The only other thing of mentionable merit is that I emailed Rich and asked him if he wanted his cellphone. Technically he gave it to me, but I don't want it anymore. It's just a reminder of how easily gullible I am into trusting people. I had thought prior to last month's angst-fest that we were friends. I was quite mistaken. I might go into that in a future entry, I havn't decided yet.
Another thing I have yet to decide is what to do with the phone if I never get a response (the favored dysfunctional midwestern way of "dealing" with a situation.) I thought (sarcastically) about tossing it off a bridge or a building, or blowing it up with some old fireworks. I'll probobly just take out the battery and toss the rest of the phone in my snakeskin box. Unless I can make some elaborate art-project out of it somehow.
Hmmmmmmm........
Interesting.
I think it's time to resupply my body with it's required dose of nicotine. I'll allow my inner Aquarian to toy with the idea of the Phone-Art while I'm smoking. Then I think i'm going to go tan, clean my car, and maybe get some coffee.
I'm so Bohemian it Hurts.
Tootles.
posted by MorviuM 6/26/2000 1:29:03 PM