posted by Royce Cheah at 11:41 AM


*** I posted this on a public discussion forum
*** apologies to joe if you're reading this, but I just had to get it out

have you ever...... been stuck in the middle?

I have a good friend.... known him for maybe a year...
In this time I've gotten to know his girlfriend.. well only just recently..

why?
because their relationship is on the rocks.. and shes turning to me for advice since I know him so well.
Now don't get me wrong, I have no interest in his girlfriend.. and perhaps she is abit dense.

Ever since my friend started hanging around with me, he would always tell me that he misses the single life.. as in being able to do what you want when you want. I have that freedom, and unfortunately for him, his girlfriend is the type that must know where he is, what he's doing, with whom he's doing what.

She calls him 5 or more times a day, and I bet my friend truly regrets getting a mobile phone now.
In the year I've known him, they've broken up and gotten back together more then 10 times. It puts a strain on my mood when I see him feeling angry or down, just because of one person. Then again I know that he does care for her in some sense. However recently, as I have noticed, he is getting tired of it, he wants out, but his girlfriend refuses to give him that freedom. Well I know we're all supposed to be matured, and when someone in a relationship isn't happy and wants out, we'd have to comply, no matter how much it hurts.. life has to go on.

She has however turned to using the 'if you leave me I'll kill myself' idea. Somehow I think thats really wrong, and thats why my friend is in a sense trapped. I have spent countless nights listening to his girlfriend cry & whine over something which I know has no way of working out simply because one wants out and the other wants the opposite. You'd wonder why she doesn't talk to the man himself, she says its because she doesn't get the respect, as in my friend refuses to listen to her. Isn't that a clear enough sign that 'THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER'????

Sigh... she came over to my room last night, announcing that she *finally* wanted to break off with him. Guess what happens.. my friend comes over... and she manages to get a one week break with him. I know time apart is good, but not when in a relationship like this(if it even is one).

We're all relatively young, shes 19, I'm 19, my friend just turned 20. I don't think shes quite a proponent of maths. There are more then 6 billion people on the face of this earth, and shes saying that he's the one, he's the one, when he obviously isn't. She fears that no one else will love her if they break up for good. People are selfish that way. I know we all want someone other then our family to love us for who we are, heck I know being in love feels good. Ridiculously though, she isn't getting any from my friend, so why should she keep hurting herself???

Perhaps I'm a bit one sided since I've known the guy for a longer period of time, but I've stated the facts..
and the facts show that *sorry* love will not find the way this time.
It's putting a major strain on my concentration, my own life, alot of things. I basically have to absorb 2 peoples anger, hurt and all that and in turn offer them comforting words. Seriously, I'm getting very tired of it, so very tired. I miss my hermit life. Getting involved with other people somehow always lead to these kinda things.

Any comments or criticism would be welcomed.

jaa ne.

*** I have a damn exam in 2 hours -_-

posted by Royce Cheah at 8:32 PM


hoooo wheee.. its been awhile huh... and i'm still getting hits! ...
hehe.. thanks to those out there who were bored enough to check
back here every couple of days....
exams have been in the way... and basically I just don't have the time
to even type up what I'd done for the day(anyway it'd just bore you to
tears heh)

soooo.. my last exam is tomorow!!! ^_^ .. then I'm free.. freee ... freee..
well not exactly.. gonna be another(at least) 2 more years of exams hehe

hmm... I might go to sydney.. HEHE.. yeah I know what you dudes are thinking
and thats not what I'm thinking... no.. its not.. don't believe me? well press alt-F4 then :P
hehe...

well well.. when exams are over, and when I have some spare cash, I'm gonna send this money
order to a nice webmaster in the US so that my *own* domain can be hosted!
weeee.. it'd be so much fun.. hehe.. its gonna be eriko4ever.org =)
thanks to joey for making such a nice layout for me.
unfortunately my html framing skills suck and I still haven't been able
to line 8?(was it 10?) frames up...such a bitch! ... but I will persevere!

anyway... im outta here.. gonna take a nap..
will blog as soon as my exams are over! hehe

posted by Royce Cheah at 5:16 AM


heya... yeah its been awhile since i updated... i don't believe how much sleep i've been getting
its not normal to sleep at 12pm.. wake up around 8pm .. then sleep at 12am then wake up at 4am..
to top it off im feeling tired again...i wonder whats wrong
exams are around the corner.. wheres the stress.. i don't feel it..
maaya sakamoto rulez.. if only i understood what shes saying..
i found english translations of utada hikarus hits.. well most of them
and she is really quite *deep* .. i myself was surprised at her words..

i wonder what happens now when i hit the post&publish button..
i've seen other blogs and they have their archives all linked up properly
i wonder if blogger.com does it for me automatically..

all my favourite jpop music video download sites are goin down, or haven't updated
recently :( it sux!! ... why? .. homestead was being such a bitch and decided to
randomly delete files.. they hit oshima for over 2 gigs i think.. bastards..

what is it about rnb songs.. they're always sad ne?
isn't that evil though.. rnb artistes get money if they can express YOUR feelings
with good lyrics and a good tune.. haha.. i just realised that..

sigh.. tired... so very tired..
i miss home.. i miss my college days.. i miss my old friends..
i miss talking to my friends about anything under the sun.. and i do mean
anything.. we'd jist crap on and on and on.. damn those were the days
ah shit.. my eyes are tearing...

i'm outta here..

posted by Royce Cheah at 5:05 AM


hmm... maybe some of you are wondering what the hell im gonna do about that girl..
its been awhile since i last talked about it.. and i haven't done much at all, for fear i might
get obsessive again.

i don't know, maybe its silly to hope for things that would never happen, then again.. thats
what drives alot of people. the belief that something might happen no matter how improbable
it is.

its interesting how all these things didn't matter to me when i was in high school. I only started
exploring my mind, life or everything in general when i went to college. it was the time when
i faced some major rejections,and i found out about my dads infidelity.

defintion no.2 would greatly describe this situation.
the story with my dad.. its a long one.. get prepared
its been a long running issue in my life..that is religion
i don't actually have one, i haven't embraced Christianity or anything that believes in a superior being.
anyway.. i was always told when i was young about how my dad used to be this
really staunch Christian.. he used to tutor sunday school, go to church every other day.. etc
but my parents gave me free will and did not baptise me when i was just born or anything
i wonder now what life would be like had it been that i was a Christian. He also supported
7 of his siblings, all of them.. sponsored their college education and such.
yeah.. impressions stay deep in a childs mind, and i always strived hard for my dad
because i respected him so much. to a point where my school results would just be to
make him happy.

I entered my teens, and I realised nothing was what it seemed.
My dad started coming home real late, always reeking of alcohol and he loved it.
My mum of course could never understand this, and this upset her alot.
I still however at that time, didn't take much heed of what was going on.
I was too busy having fun as a kid.

In the final year of high school, where the BIG exams were looming a couple
of months ahead. Things started clicking in my head. My dad would return late,
4 or 5am.. reeking not of alcohol.. but of a women's perfume. There would be a woman
calling him on the nights when he was not out late. I don't remember spending much
time with him during this time. One day when i got curious.. i saw he had a new voice message
on his mobile phone.. i picked up his phone, dialled the voicebox number and took a listen..

it went something like this:

sorry.. i can't go on.. it hurts too much..but i remember every word..
so this was around the time of my final exams... now what the fuck was I( a 15 year old kid then)
who had respect for my dad all my life suppose to think?
I never thought it possible that my dad would do such a thing to hurt my mum.

surprisingly my exams went ok.. i did quite well, not excellent enough for him though.. but really
i didn't wanna care about what he thought anymore. However, I've always led a sheltered life,
where anything or mostly anything i wanted was provided for me. Yeah in other words I'm spoilt.
So I had to 'kinda' care about what he thought, coz whatever i wanted depended on him.
Now, I don't know whether I still carry that kinda attitude, I don't ask my dad for much anymore,
if he sees fit that i need something, then he'll give it, I won't ask explicitly for something anymore.

i went through college hating him, i despised him.. all that hurt made me want to go out and do something.
so i did, i went out and got myself more hurt by being rejected by countless girls.
i was just someone with enough anger to stare you to the ground..
it was silly.. i had no one to talk to, no where to release my stress, so i took it out
on computer games..quake i must say saved me alot of the time when i just felt like blowing up at
someone. I'd lock myself up for 3 hours and just cool down by playing it.
Someone told me that i just had way too much anger and rage in me.
i didn't know where to focus these excess energies to, then i tried something

smoking.

sure as hell it relieved some of the stress.. but that could have been a psychological belief.
i think i became the sane, happy go lucky person i am today because of 2 people that i met in college.

Kalpesh.. a really cool dude, who was always happy, always there to joke with and so on.
He was my best guy-buddy in college, SHOUT OUT TO YOU THERE IN PURDUE U.
I never told him my major personal problems.. but it was just fun being around him.

and of course Tricia.. I can't thank her enough for all the time we spent on the phone.&
all the time we spent together just being friends...i did not realise how lucky i was to
know a great person like her till a couple of days ago. to you trish.. i'm sorry if I did
make you feel uncomfortable at one stage of our friendship.. I guess I misunderstood big time.
i think i never apologised officially so here it is =)

Because of them.. i think i'm now more relaxed about things, as in I don't blow my head and
throw a spastic whenever something goes wrong. I used to shout, scream at anyone if something
went wrong. They taught me how to take life a little easier.

anyway.. i found out this easter from my mum that the story about
my dad was deeper then what i knew. The woman whom I had listened to on his phone was an affair that he
had within a longer running one. So in other words.. he was already having an affair(which
lasted about 5 years), and midway through that one he had another concurrently.
I can't even imagine the kinda pain that my mum has gone through, or why shes even still
with him. She tells me its for the sake of me and my sister.. and i swear i have the utmost
love and respect for her as compared to my dad.

so.. after going through all this.. and being put in my situation where I'm studying in university
with my dads money, do i really owe it to him to do well? I know i should not take that
point of view, because what i do now will determine my future. However it is tough for me
to suddenly change it. as in 'im no longer studying for my dads sake'
all my life its been that way.. i did it for him.. and now the prospect of doing it for myself
is really scaring me.

shrugs.. i just felt like getting that out.. its been running in my head the past couple of days.
heres to hoping i feel better when i wake up...
thanks for readin if you got this far .. i know its long...

posted by Royce Cheah at 3:16 AM


dratz...went out today to get the Dido Armstrong - No Angel cd, but couldn't find it...

anyone listen to her?

well.. thank whoever for Napster.. i managed to find all her songs, so now im really set on buying
her album. by the way, don't ever use UPS if you want to use a courier services. I ordered some
stuff from the US(japanese anime related stuff) and it still hasn't arrived. Its been 2 weeks.
I'm getting impatient..

posted by Royce Cheah at 2:58 AM


Hey! anyone out there ever heard of the english band/singer called Dido?

I'm startin to like her music, i'm just wondering whether anyone has her mp3s
if not i may actually have to go out and get the album(now we can't have that can we?) hehe
argh.. i hate all the damn ratio or 'do this then u get it' sites
i mean why the hell do you have to limit something which ISN'T yours in the first place
the ideal of leech and let leech has yet to sink into these peoples mind.. always wanting a profit out of everything

I can't be bothered complaining.. and i've given up searchin for her songs.. and i will NEVER give in to
idiots who want a profit. I'm gonna go buy her cd..

posted by Royce Cheah at 4:46 PM


yawn :O

good morning to all out there.. and no i don't care what time it is for you :P heh
ive been up for maybe 3 hours or so, had lunch, then my friend came over to
pick up his computer! *wah!* no more 8 speaker surroind system :(

yawn.

getting sleepy again.. hmm maybe i should go out and do some excercise
apart from sitting in front of my computer virtually all day, my one passion
is playing basketball. I've been at it for almost 8 years now and I simply love
the game. it gives me a full body workout, and no its not that im overweight
as the analysis of my name
implies. I am indeed slightly underweight but yeah i do suffer from some back
pains. Its just that it makes me feel good and I think its time for something
like that right now. I need to get up and get out and do something.

alrite im gone.. will blog when i come back.

posted by Royce Cheah at 6:44 AM


let me put into practice what i mentioned before, to all those i gave the url of this page to, most of you are probably friends
ive known for a long time or friends that i consider close to me, in other words..

alright.. im gone.. to sleep

posted by Royce Cheah at 4:54 AM


hmm.. this sucks.. i just heard that my grand-uncle passed away...
unfortunately i never spent much time with him, so the impact of that statement doesn't really hit me
i remember him to be a funny man, always smoking a cigar, and he loved to kiss all his grand-nieces/nephews...
yes yes including myself hehe dratz.. one less person to visit when i go back for holidays..
was bound to happen i guess.. i think he was 90.

i was surfing someones blog and found out she was
someone who hates people smoking. She included a link too,
its a detailed overview of smoking, its detrimental effects and such. Oh yes, I probably haven't told you that I smoke.
Its something I'm not that proud of, yet I don't know why I still do it. Maybe my mind is weak and its my only escape?
or maybe that last reasoning was just an excuse for the probable reason which is 'yes im addicted'.

shrugs, i don't exactly know how i started smoking.. i think it was a culmination of sexual frustration, peer pressure
and family problems.its been 2 years since i started..the most i used to do was a pack a day of marlboro reds.. now
im doing close to half a pack a day of marlboro lights... I know its stupid to find some comfort in saying that
'oh im doing less so i'll die later' coz regardless.. smoking IS smoking and no matter how much or how little i smoke,
it all comes down to one fact, that i will die earlier then others who don't smoke.
providing random factors don't kill off all the people i know who don't smoke hehe

then again thats life, a random factor could make it possible for me to die tomorow, or maybe let me live longer then
i could ever imagine at least i know i would not leave with any regrets, i tell my parents and my sister i love them constantly
maybe my one regret would be not telling this girl that i like/love her, then again how would she feel if i did, then
i died the next day if you're reading now, tell your parents, or whoever you love that you love them! .. the world is a
random happening of events nothing really goes your way.. so do it now

why am i rambling on about death.. its weird.. past couple of months i've come across a couple of people
who wanted to kill themselves. hmm.. i think thats weak.. thats my opinion, i wouldn't know what kinda stress they
went through to make such a decision but really, a problem now, when looked back in retrospect is actually minute
in the whole cycle of life.well thats when we're this young, and all we're ever worrying about are about relationships
and such.one of my best friends girlfriend, she wanted to kill herself if he broke off the relationship with her...
i think thats stupid..using such a threat upon someone you supposedly love so much. if you love the person so much,
you should not hold that person back by putting guilt in his/her heart...its not being considerate.then again when one is
deeply in love, thoughts are clouded, and nothing is really what it seems. its a psychiatric disorder to be too dependant on
someone, and im pretty sure that she is way too dependant on him. i know this, coz i was put in the middle, i didn't mind
till it got out of hand, where she admitted that she could not live without him
i mean, we are young, i'm 19, shes my age(i think). WE STILL HAVE A LONG LONG WAY TO GO.

i admit i had an obsessive compulsive disorder for awhile.. where i had similar thoughts in my head when a relationship went sour
it wasn't pretty, i put a girl through some amountable pain, while hurting myself in the process. It was a learning experience,
and I guess I'm grateful it happened. however i have moved on, sometimes it flashes back and i breakdown and cry,
but its good to cry.. its good to let your emotions out.

i'm currently listening to a track called 'Quiet Life' from the Rurouni Kenshin OVA OST. I believe its one of my
favourite non-vocal anime music tracks. Its aptly titled, but it is unfortunate that I didn't pay enough attention in my music
appreciation classes back in college to describe it to you properly.

so why did i start smoking?
hmm... next post heh.. this one is gettin abit too long

posted by Royce Cheah at 3:22 AM


ever wondered what your name meant?
this is what mine means..

As Royce, you are spontaneous, happy-go-lucky, and you enjoy the company of others--the more the merrier. You make friends easily as people are attracted to your warm and generous nature. However, you have to watch that others do not take advantage of your generosity, for you are apt to be influenced by hard-luck stories and give when it might be more prudent not to. You are ever on the watch for ways and means of making some "easy money" because this name destroys initiative and ambition, producing an easy-going, come-what-may nature which attaches value to money only for the self-enjoyment it can offer. Misunderstandings could exist in your personal life because of this emotional power which you have difficulty controlling and also because of a difficulty in accepting a responsibility and seeing it through. You are apt to leave a project unfinished and go on to something else. Routine and system are foreign to your life, and, of course, these assets are an integral part of any successful undertaking. You are fond of sweets and rich foods and your tendency to eat heavily, causes overweight. You could be subject to skin disorders, swelling of the legs and ankles, fluid function disorders or weakness affecting the back.

check yours out here

posted by Royce Cheah at 2:36 AM


hey Raymond.. this is a SHOUT-OUT to you! .. nice site dude =)
gerh.. all those old pics of us in school hehehe.. damnnn.. i miss those days..
it does bring back some memories.. we were carefree then, perhaps even carefree now, but yeah.. too bad i wasn't a socialite then..
i think i kinda regret not getting to know some people.. however its not too late.. or maybe it is? heh

man im feeling weird all of a sudden.. like im neither here nor there..though i have no idea where 'there' is

posted by Royce Cheah at 1:45 AM


hey... i got a counter up.. it won't be exactly accurate as I'm sure more then 7 people have seen this hehee..
well maybe 10 :P

i had troubled sleep.. only managed to get 2 hours.. now im sitting in front of my comp chatting to an utopian buddy on irc

she seems troubled..
i won't delve into details as i said beforehand

the swirve link u see there, it leads to one of my net pasttimes.. online games.. something to get some agression out on heh
i feel like flooding this page..will do so when my thoughts are more structured..

till then..

posted by Royce Cheah at 5:21 PM


yay! the project is finally done.. now to get back to some serious work - sleep that is =)

hey don't bag it.. it takes some amount of determination to sleep for 18 hours straight hehehe
exams are in 2 and a half weeks time.. i think i can handle it.. i hope

i realise my mind is starting to get tired, and the words are no longer flowing like they used to,
that sucks, i really enjoy blogging, expressing my feelings and such. but maybe i've been overdoing it
as this page shows.. it is rather long for something i started on monday. has it only been 4 days?
it feels much longer then that..well ill feed my addiction when i get some rest.. thats it for now

posted by Royce Cheah at 1:55 PM


Friday the 13th

10:45am
its a gloomy, cloudy morning here in melbourne as usual..
i don't get the weather in this city, someone once said it was 'predictably unpredictable', i still don't get it

what i mean is.. it could be stinking hot for a couple of hours in the day. then freakin cold at night, then rainy the next day... etc.. there is no set pattern as to how things happen.. eesh.. i give up hehe.. i hope u get what i mean

How i wish it was winter again, after almost 2 years in this country I realise that the winter here in Melbourne is the nicest. Its soooOOoooooOOooo nice to just lie in bed and sleep hehe. Such is the life of a uni student, no worries(apart from what i subject myself through), no parents, no chains to hold me down.. woohoo! I think i just realised how lucky I am.

I discussed my situation with another friend of mine, this time one who was also in the same high school as I was. I've known him for quite some time and actually found some of his replies remarkably true hehe.. he's made me question my actual thoughts about the whole thing once more(not that i really needed it *stress*.. but i thank him for that)

that last comment..heh.. brought a smile to my face.. its somewhat a problem most males have when
thinking about a girl.. whether its to make junior happy or to make his heart happy haha...

shrugs.. i think i've lost the inspiration for the time being.. all seems so futile, damn my hands hurt from typing too
much, well till next time..thanks for readin peoples.. im outta here

posted by Royce Cheah at 3:56 AM


ITS FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not that im really superstitious.. but i remember back when i was in primary 4..
i was having recess.. and it was a friday the 13th
i spilled a while bowl of chilli on myself.. haha.. damn that sucked.. i couldn't get it off..
i ended up stinking the whole class up for the rest of the day
i think thats my most memorable friday the 13th experience..hehe

posted by Royce Cheah at 3:33 AM

ooooo.. I just remembered.. haha.. get this mp3.. its about 1.5mb.. its gonna crack your shits so bad hehehehe

haha

posted by Royce Cheah at 3:14 AM

sleep.. sleep is good

well i would go to sleep, but my friend who's been working much harder then me obviously deserves the sleep more, we've been working, or more like he's been workin on our uni project for the past couple of days, he's got his comp hooked up and everything, we have a total of 8 speakers in my tiny room hehee.. cambridge soundworks :)~
i think he doesn't understand the satisfaction and relief i get from blogging, as thats what ive been doing alot lately. I could be wrong but well, I've always craved for this kind of freedom. The freedom of expression with no fear of being told that I CAN'T say something, or I shouldn't say something.

alot of people out there have a certain hindrance when it comes to things like this, they can't see beyond the view that this is the only way a lonely person like myself would find some sort of meaning in life. some people have highlighted the point of 'what if the girl i'm talking about sees all this', well i really have no answer to that, I am not guilty for saying how i feel, and also wanting others to read what i feel. can't anyone out there understand that this is one of the few outlets I have to rid myself of my frustrations and such?

This is indeed a touchy subject, however I don't think I've hurt anyone in doing this, and If I am asked to stop or made to feel guilty, then the person who did so purely has no respect for me whatsoever. Why? its purely about how I feel, and thats it, the people i talk about are merely 'actors on a stage'. I don't delve into dirty details of the past or anything like that. Gah, why am I even explaining myself.. anyone with some sort of comprehension of wanting to express feelings should understand.. this is purely for the masses who don't have that comprehension.

well thats its again for now, im gonna go wake my friend up, then i can go sleep hehe