It's been awhile...and it's dark in here...The sun is gone and there is only one row of flourescents on in here...I don't like it much...It's also weird knowing that I'm leaving....God...I just got here...I just got settled in....everything started to get comfortable....but they say....don't let your comfort get the best of you...sounds good...Hmmm....I hope this weekend turns out alright...and I hope I shake this feeling of uncontrollable free fall... till then...
posted by brad kayal 8/18/2000 3:45:14 PM
A strange level of power...They won't fire me because they'd never find another web person who knows what I know who would work for such a shit salary...So in a way I have power...but, like lyrics to some bad song...The things we're good at and the things we want to be good at can be two different things...I'm sick of impressing boring old business people with bullshit web crap...All they see is a way to make a buck off this college kid...Maybe it's time we burn this place down...From the outside...there is all this glory that goes with web design...the picture is painted of this loaner radical working late hours running off stimulants while listening to music that will never hear radio time...it has such a romantic quality to it...It's all bullshit...the old school artists look at the new media kids with resent...they say we're not artists because we sit infront of these machines and we have more of an oppurtunity to make a buck...well...that's shit...How can you spend long lonely weekends in a dimly lit room with no connection to anyone (Because no one associates with us....why would they)...and not be an artist? You can't spend a night with only your thoughts as company and not feel the sting of artistic angst...the cynicism...the regrets...the long periods of brooding...how could you be more tortured?....
posted by brad kayal 7/13/2000 2:20:15 PM
Days pass..things change...I've got to remind myself what I'm here for...I have to remember that summers are short...Dwelling on bullshit will not help anything...I wish I could just go outside today and be done with it all...Just step out into sunlight and start summer over now and let the last 2 and a half months crash off the edge of the earth...Maybe that's harsh...It's all just in my head anyway...
posted by brad kayal 7/9/2000 12:25:04 PM
It's odd...your told that every action has an equal reaction...well...if that's true....then where did this overwhelming silence come from....Is this silence my equal (yet opposite) reaction to my action....? It's funny sort of...I was all sure that I knew what was coming...I had narrowed it down to 2 possible responses....and had prepared myself for both....now this...silence....I never knew...Silence can be measured by the square inch....I have a world full of it.....and it may just be crushing me....
posted by brad kayal 6/30/2000 12:04:45 AM
When me and Jeff are the only people in the office we never turn on the flourescent lights....the windows are big enough...The lights make this place feel like an office....And who wants that?....Queen's "we are the champions" is playing on the radio....it seems so horribly out of place...It's Friday morning....I'm sitting in a dark office...staring blankly into a monitor...and someone is calling us "champions".....hmmm....I guess we can all find humor in irony.....
posted by brad kayal 6/30/2000 9:21:46 AM
I have always been in support of the phrase...."Do not associate unless your association hurts them more then your dissention"....It always seemed like a nice rebellious idea...hmmm....It's becoming one of those days where smashing something seems logical....and almost a good idea.....I don't know....maybe I'm the only one that has those weird tendencies to want to push that big self destruct button....Friday...quarter to noon.....unfortunately Allentown never offers much to the person looking for a little chaos to ease the silence....I'm really hating this silence.....
posted by brad kayal 6/30/2000 11:50:46 AM
Taking chances scare the hell out of me...
posted by brad kayal 6/29/2000 11:07:57 AM
If you heave yourself out of a moving car it's only a matter of a few hundredths of a second before you hit the ground. The speed of the vehicle will determine how many bones you will fracture and how far you will skid until your body's friction with the street brings you to a stop. In the end the whole situation would take a few seconds. The results of this action are fairly visible...instantly... Then there are those other chances in life...the ones with less concrete outcomes or a limited number of outcomes on very different ends of some spectrum...no middle ground..... They say life is just a series of choices....and chances we take.... No one ever mentions the regrets....
posted by brad kayal 6/29/2000 1:14:00 PM
"To regret deeply is to live afresh"... Thoreau must of been on crack when he said that...
posted by brad kayal 6/29/2000 3:29:00 PM
