Well, it has been a while since I've posted, hasn't it. I wonder if I appeared on fucked weblog - probably not enough readers to notice that I'm gone.
A lot has happened in the last three weeks. I left my job unfinished, packed up my Berkeley apartment and went back home to Charlotte. We have a nice new house, small but with lots of good touches. A townhouse, so our patios are shoulder-to-shoulder, and we have no yard to speak of. It was strange taking a different exit off the highway to go home, though. Ah well.
We celebrated my dad's birthday, #54. He got a hand-drawn portrait of our old house, since he liked it so much. Not bad - the angle was kind of weird, but not too bad at all. I brought home sourdough, pistachios, artichokes and avacados. I talked with Sarah D, who has either already or will soon depart for a month in San Francisco, to work in the Prodigal project mission in haight ashbury. Her mother is frantic - Sarah is 18. Her fiancee is 19, and they're both born again Christians who think that God will take care of them. Ah, youth. I told her the horror stories about getting shot with a pellet gun, proposed to by a 70-year old Arabic man, and the random guys trying to get my number or (shudder) give me a ride in their car. She seems sensible enough, just really ignorant from having lived in the suburbs of charlotte all her life.
I packed up all my stuff, we crammed it in a minivan and spent a night at Uncle Bruce's. Laura was supposed to move in that day, and she called me just before midnight to tell me that the house is trashed and the doors are unlocked, with no keys anywhere. Ayako, Laura, and I all discuss it, and I leave a very angry message with our property manager (aka asshole slumlord). After much calling back and forth, they send over 3 guys and a utility truck, and clean the place out over four hours. Mom, Dad and I run around grabbing all the nifty stuff that was left behind (a printer?? a stereo with 3 foot speakers and a turntable, a TV...) and get all my boxes moved in. The cleaning lady comes through and washes the tubs and removes the rotting food from the fridge (we love you cleaning lady), and the house is livable.
I went to my first week of classes - dropped 2 without going, decided to audit the environmental art class. Irish history looked really interesting, and studio looked really cool - I was going to research cargo bikes so I could pick up groceries. I found a bunch of crazy bastards - I can't remember the URL, go to http://www.666inromannumerals.org/chunk/ - it's like dlcmvia or something. They make fucked up bikes. wonderful stuff.
Earth had nearly 30 people show up, we had O pizza, it all looked good. a lot of energy. I spent 150 bucks on books (not bad for 11), English looked like fun. We read a short story about two married people having an affair and falling in love. That night I dreamt my mother was cheating on my dad with some 17 year old grocery boy. I was really, really pissed - not so much that she was cheating on him, more that he was 17. I knew it wasn't fair, but I was a real bitch to both of them. I woke up feeling unsettled and embarassed.
Thursday night I got a weird e-mail from my sister Sarah. We'd been chatting lightly back and forth earlier in the week - on the phone, then funny e-mail forwards. I thought I wouldn't hear from her for a while, but she emails me and says, "How are you doing? If you ever need to talk to someone who's not mom or dad, I'm here for you, okay? Call me any time at (phone numbers). Love Sarah."
I worry about this for a few minutes, wondering what the bad news is. Amanda says, "ask her." So I write back, "Uh, is there something I should know about? Did Dad's catscan not go well?" Dad's trip to the oncologist (sp) the week before wasn't so good, he said a bloodtest went the wrong way for a tumor marker, and they moved the catscan up a few weeks. I immediately think of this.
Sarah rights back, "No, just preparing for the worst. You know." I think it's pretty lame, but I decide to accept it at face value and not worry myself.
Then we get to Friday. I was going to go to campus relatively early so that Earth people could put up the hiking trip fliers for next Sunday. It was about 11 o'clock ( I woke up late), and my dad called. Mom wasn't on the phone with him, like she usually is. This usually means bad news. He said in a sad, strained voice, "Do you have time to talk? I have to tell you about something." Uh oh. He calls back on my recently-hooked up home phone (my cell phone only works in the front yard, damn Sprint's lousy coverage).
"You remember that bloodtest I told you about, that it came back positive for a tumor? Well, they did the catscan, and that spot that they had found on my liver before that they said wasn't cancer - well, it's grown since the last checkup. So, my cancer has spread. They could do operations, but it's probably spread all over my body. They can't do anything. The doctors have given me about six more months."
Here's where I start crying.
"They said I'll have three good months, and then it'll start to affect me, and then I'll have a few more months until.... And there's not really anything they can do. There's some treatment, like pills or chemo, but it'll just maybe add a month or so, and it'll make me feel bad the whole time. I'm going to keep working for a while, to keep up medical insurance, and I have 7 weeks vacation, so I can take off whenever I want to. We'll go on trips and stuff, and I wanted to go to the beach again, near Charleston. I always liked it there, I really enjoy walking on the beach." I remember that he had mentioned this earlier, and my mom chided him, saying that he just wanted it to be like it was before, when all of us were kids. I tightened up even more on the floor and cried harder.
We talked more, about financial things, and possible alternative treatments. I had meant holistic or natural medicine, all the new age stuff I've been hearing about. He thought I meant research hospitals. He'll consider the research stuff but again, thinks it will only worsen his quality of life. I decide to bring up the other stuff later, maybe subtly.
He says I have to talk to my teachers, and decide what I want to do. I say, "I think.... I think I'd rather come home." I know that there's not even a question about it, but I can tell he doesn't want me to. He's proud of what I do up here, and he puts a lot (a little too much) of importance on education. I remember what Ayako said about how she regretted spending three years away from her cat, who she loved like a sister. Her cat died of kidney failure at only 9 years old. She said she was so glad that she was able to see her cat, and say goodbye, but she still wishes she had spent time with them, instead of going to college. I remember the week I took off for my grandfather's funeral freshman year. It made my life hell, but I never regretted it... And I knew I had to come home. My dad says, "I was afraid you'd say that. Well, consider it, and ask your advisor.." etc. etc.
After I get off the phone, I start weeping in earnest, balled up on the floor, mouth open in a silent wail. I stumble around in shock and fall on the couch, cry some more. Think. Think about how much I'll miss him. About how his life is kind of sad, how he worked so hard for so long, and he'll never get to retire. About how lonely mom will be. About the pain he's going to go through. And he's not afraid of that, that's not what he's worried about. He just doesn't want it to negatively affect our lives. He wishes he could protect us from it, that's why he doesn't want me to come home. He doesn't want to be a bother to us.
Dad, you silly thing. There's not really a choice about it.
Later that day, mom and dad call back and tell me that they're supportive of me wanting to come home. My dad realizes it would be better all around, that I wouldn't be happy at school. I'd be useless, really. Leaving all the time to visit, not being able to concentrate, etc. Personally, I know he misses me, and he'd be happy to have me home. And I just have to be there. There's no way I can't be home with him, and spend what time I can with him. No way. I went on campus and filled out the withdrawal form later that day. Did a lot of emailing.
I spend that weekend packing, getting things together, making plans. I'm to leave a week later, Saturday the 8th. I get Earth stuff figured out, try to find a new president or new leaders, at least. Ayako and Laura are wonderful. We bake peanut butter cookies and make pancakes and watch movies together. We fight with our landlord about phone lines, and I ask him questions about the lease and subletting. I decide to leave my furniture in the house.
This would have been my senior year, so all of my friends are graduating. I'm really going to miss everyone in Studio - I love this group so much. They're all wonderful. I'd love to have seen what projects they did, and where they go - I'll try to come back for graduation, but I don't know if I will be able to. The doctors say six months - who knows? Anyway, I decide to throw a good-bye party Friday night at my casa. I let everyone know why I'm leaving - he's been fighting it since March. We won some battles, but we've lost the war. Short, to the point.
A few days later, the emails come streaming in. Support, offers of help and sympathy. "If there's anything I can do..." Scheduling getting together with friends who can't make it to the party, or who want to hang out seperately.
My advisor is fantastic. She sends me an email on Tuesday asking if I'm okay, apologizing for not being more touchy-feely on Friday. I tell her it's okay, I'm not touchy-feely either. I met with Harriet today, talked about my summer internship and how well it went, what I hope to do in the future. What I should do on my break. I'm thinking of taking classes or working, if nothing else than to keep myself busy. When I come back, I want to graduate in a semester, save some money. Mom has almost a million dollars to support her, but she's only 53, and the women in her family live a long time. She'll probably have to work more than she does now. I'm hoping Sarah will be able to send her on some cruises. If I get a good paying job, I'll either pay her back or buy her expensive presents like furniture. I always felt bad about taking all that money for my education.
Anyway. I've got another Earth meeting in 15 minutes. I should probably be on time for this one. I'll let the group know what's going on, and we'll try to figure out who's taking over. Ayako and Aria, Matt, maybe some other girls who were in Earth all last year. It's a shame I won't be able to be president, we were going to have a really good year, I think.
We're lucky in that respect, though. Other than the cancer, we really have nothing to worry about. I can take off from school easily. My sisters live nearby. We have enough money. My parents have really good friends to take care of them in NC, I have most of mine up here but I have some in Charlotte, too.
I'll be posting a lot more than expected now.
posted at 3:27 PM ...
I've been working on a lot of Earth-related stuff recently, and I thought about how I would defend myself if someone, say an Objectivist, came up and started arguing the merits of conservation. Why do you care what happens to the earth after you die?
A good explanation for people that don't care about the well-being of anyone but themselves would be to tell them that they never really die, they just take a time-out before coming back to a new life. Therefore any problems they create for future generations become their problems next time.
This point becomes moot, however, when arguing with someone who was not raised beliving in reincarnation. I've found that even when someone converts, they still tend to carry a residue, if you will, of old beliefs or superstitions. I just was wondering... if our nation was mostly Buddhist or Hindu, would we have such problems with the environment? Certainly there would be fewer instances of heart disease, since there would most likely be more vegetarians or vegans, or at least more meals that included that eating style. But that's a tangent...
I'm just wondering what the far-reaching effects would be of a national belief in reincarnation. The knowledge that you are responsible for your actions towards yourself and others, that you will meet again those you have wronged, and be forced to make it up to them, that anything you do now will be visited upon you again - how much would it improve our society?
As I see it, or at least as I can tell through casual practitioners of it, Christianity is based on forgiveness. Jesus saves - it means you were lost in the first place. It seems as though most casual Christians use the Bible to justify their prejudices, but ignore its dictates about pious action and do-gooding. They use church as a weekly redemption of their everyday sins, believing that they can do whatever they want, as long as they feel bad about it afterwards, and ask for forgiveness. It's like a never-ending get out of jail free card, and most people milk it for all that it's worth.
If people actually believed that their sins cannot be erased, that they will be punished for any and all wrongdoings (and punished accordingly) - if they knew that the purpose of their life was to improve themselves, to make themselves into better people, rather than to entertain themselves and make themselves happy in shallow ways - would they not be sure to treat others as they wish to be treated? Not because they will go to hell- which any sly Christian knows can be averted by asking forgivness, and besides won't happen to any true believer, regardless of their sins - but because they will actually suffer for it in life. Perhaps not this one, but in the next. People would be much more hesitant to wrong others, knowing that they would later be so wronged. They would be more eager to help others, knowing that they could be helping loved ones that they had lost, or perhaps their future friends and family. Knowing that others would help them when they needed it.
I can't help but think that the loopholes in Christianity, which have turned off so many from mass religion, have been detrimental to society. Now mind, I'm not talking about true Christians, who actually follow the laws of 'Love thy neighbor'. My friend is one of those, and I don't know any group in the world that she hates. My other friend exhibits almost every negative trait I can think of, from time to time, but as a recent convert keeps exhorting me to save myself, before it is too late. I'm sorry, but I feel myself in a better spiritual position at this point than she is, even if I, like the majority of the world, am not Christian. She's caused a lot of pain in her lifetime already, and has more vices than I care to list. Her main goal right now is to keep herself happy and fed, and she uses the Bible as a subsitute for a strong moral force. Because she believes in Jesus, she is a moral person, and therfore doesn't have much to worry about. I don't believe in Jesus, therfore I am doomed. Yet she is preparing to live her life for herself and herself alone, and ridicules any who profess to change the world or help others. She lies with abandon, steals from her parents, hates groups of people because they are different than she is, yet she tells me that *my* soul is in trouble. I'm not saying that I am spiritually superior - but people in glass houses....
I wish more Christians were like Joanne. She loves everybody, she's incredibly sweet, and she likes helping people. Sure, she tries to recruit me now and then, but it's because God makes her so happy, and she wants me to have the same happiness. She wants to help people for the sake of helping people, not to aid her way to heaven.
Is it such a stretch to believe that if everyone was trying to make themselves into better people, the world would genuinly improve? Not be perfect, but... be better. And make it easier to solve problems, or prevent them.
Well, it's all just rhetoric, anyway. Am I using that word right?
posted at 5:40 PM ...
