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Tuesday, August 28, 2001

Well, I'm here and things seem to be going pretty well... but I still don't have a bossom buddy. It is really hard to be away from every familiar thing I ever knew, and not have someone to share those feelings with. If I could just find one person, who I related with completely it would be fine. I am just not used to the whole continuously being acquainted with people, but never really meeting people. It seems as if there is always a friendly face, but never one to become familiar. I have always considered myself to be an outgoing person, and relatively friendly; but that doesn't seem to matter here. It doesn't matter how many people I introduce myself to, I don't get to know them, and they show no interest in getting to know me. I am sure it would be easier if I had a "security blanket" such as a boyfriend on campus, or a best friend rooming with me, like so many of the other girls do... but I don't I have for the first time in my life found my self completely alone... and I am going mad. So as a result of being completely alone, and not having a single understanding soul I have turned to talking to my family and going to see them, but I even get ridiculed for that... I just can't seem to do anything right. But with any luck, things will get better, because I am here for the long haul.
9:34 PM

Saturday, July 28, 2001

I’m sorry for the resent distance. Since the last real conversation we had, I have been doing quite a bit of thinking. I don’t quite remember how we started talking or even why we kept talking for that matter. Nevertheless it seems as if, despite all of my attempts, and prior success you have mastered your way through my emotional labyrinth and fought all of my barriers. I couldn’t stop you, in fact I’m slowly beginning to realize that you my have actually come in subtly through the back gate that I neglected to arm adequately. Whatever the method you have succeeded, and taken over my perfect little kingdom that I took so much care in creating. But the saddest part is that I haven’t minded having you seated on the thrown next to me. I had almost come to a point where I was willing to share my kingdom. But I now realize that may not be exactly the idea you have. So I am calling the game off. It had to end one way or another. And you know what, I’m not the one who will decide this time. My part is done and I’m not going to continue to play a two-person game alone. So you decide and get back to me.
11:12 PM

Sunday, June 03, 2001

I have decided that after a certain period of unintellectual, and non-thought provoking conversation and association that one looses the ability to perform such acts. I mean I have intelligent friends and all but life seems to be cluttered with the little stuff. Tonight I had a person boggle my mind in such a way that no one, and I do mean no one, has ever been able to do. It was somewhat refreshing. I mean I usually "get" things... it doesn't matter how bizarre it is I can see it... I "get" it... but tonight I read not just one, but two pieces of poetry (written by a peer) that just left me amazed. That doesn't usually happen, and I am glad that it did. I think part of my reading it was a test to see if I could handle it... but part of it was a test of my own to see if he was worth my time. And in the end (as long as he didn't mind my moment of idiocracy) he is... well his work is at the very least worth my time. It is odd to finally, after so long, find someone who's work is something I would really enjoy getting to know better; something that I see tremendous potential in, something written by someone that has to be (inevitably) so extremely interesting. I mean I could see the possibility of interest in him all along... but now, that I have read this I see so much more then before. I am not one to believe in life-long connections being made in high school... but this person is one of the very few that I wouldn't mind knowing for the rest of my life... someone that I truly believe will one day be my equal or I his... will have the same love of writing that I do and will someday be as successful at it as I intend to be. I see him as a professional ally that could possibly be the best thing that could happen to my possible career as a serious writer. It is a wonderful feeling... to know that I am not alone in my search for literacy and quest for success in creativity. It was numbing to meet or rather get to know better (briefly) someone that actually does think outside of the conformist’s box and "dare to D V 8". Now if I could only accumulate a small fortune of these people... people who love to expand their horizons through the paths and thoughts of others... people who would and could sit and discuss meaningful things, not just the day to day happenings.

I'm not saying that the day to day things are unimportant... it just will be nice to go beyond that on occasion, and with any luck frequently.
1:45 AM

Wednesday, April 11, 2001

So, as I promised, I didn't keep you waiting a month and a half this time. Just a month.

So, life is somewhat boring on this end. No great philosophies today. Sorry. Although I am quite sure you all weren't really looking forward to reading to me ramble aimlessly either (that is "i" ther, just for your proper pronunciation needs,). I found a contest for poetry. I am seriously thinking of entering... however, as things go I can't really decide on a piece to enter. I do of course have until June, so over the next few weeks or so I will be taking a pole of the ones you all feel are the best.

Here they all are, but you may have to look for them. If I win my work will be published. Pretty COOL if you ask me.

Oh, I take back the uninteresting part. I did have somewhat of a fiasco during spring break on Thursday night at a near by college (but not so near as KSU). The only reason I am putting that up here is so that in 4 and 1/2 months when I get off to college and I look at this page I will remember what a fool I was and not make the same mistakes. So, sorry but you guys you don't get any details, unless of course you already know and then, in that case, you were privileged.

Well, I believe that is all I will bore you with for now... hey since it wasn't as long in between this post and the last you guys just may hear from me more frequently. Or if your lucky maybe not.
8:08 PM

Monday, March 19, 2001

A month and a half... is much too much time to pass in between post. I haven't abandoned all outside links to the world, just most of them.

Not as if it is an excuse, but I have been rather busy. Between Symphony, Mock Trials, and Model UN (not to mention two AP classes) I just haven't had much time for leisure. It seems to me that all my life I have waited for my senior year. It was supposed to be a year of parties, slack classes, and doing nothing at all. But as life, usually, goes it is never what you expect. Instead, I have had harder classes then ever, more activities then I know what to do with, and no parties (except the infamous Birthday Bash; wink wink Stacy and Jan). Yet, with all of the horrible realities of the famous senior year, it has been a good one, and one I will most definitely never forget. I have had fun, and fame, and most of all a wonderful view of the surroundings or rather I should say future surroundings. It seems that my Crush of late is in fact a high scholar, however... I must say that KSU seems to have an array of adorably intriguing, and somewhat eye-friendly young men (wink wink Heather). So, the year must not be a total bust... besides I have received news, of a favorable kind, recently of another piece of eye-candy which will in fact be attending college with Tracie and I... God is smiling on me after all.
6:36 PM

Sunday, January 28, 2001

Theory: I have come up with a possible hypothesis. When you sleep not only does it take to a different mental state but perhaps it takes you to a parallel reality, and when two people dream the same thing perhaps it sharpens that reality.

Reasoning: I had a dream last night about this guy. I have had dreams about him several times. He isn't someone I think I have ever met before, but everytime I dream about him my dreams become very real. I can feel the dream. For example, in last night's dream I was looking a dresses, and one was satin, and I could feel the satin; the next was made of beads and I could feel the beads; the next had fur and I could feel the fur. It wasn't just familiar fabrics I could feel. I could feel him hold my had, or touch my back, or I could feel him kiss me. I could feel how soft his hair was, I could smell his cologne, and the food that was being served at the ball. I could hear the music, and all of the distinct voice of people such as the waitor, and the greeter, and the orchestra leader. I could feel how cold the marble floor was and my feet pounding against the floor as we danced. It was so present, so now... so real. I can remember touching his face and thinking how smooth it was, and then we discussed that he had just shaved. I remeber as I was putting on my dress how the carpet felt under my feet, and how the dress felt as I zipped it up. I remember the cold knobs on the doors, and the overwhelming warmth that came from the ball room because there were so many people. All of this I would have sworn happened had I not been lying in my bed when it all stopped. And not all of my dreams are this way, only the ones with him in them. So, I'm thinking that when I dream about him, he dreams about me, and this makes it more real then usual dreams.

NOW: for your opinion. Contact me at - ravenhigh@usa.net
7:07 PM

Saturday, December 30, 2000

So, it seems as if yet another year will begin soon. It is so damn reliable. Almost sickening don't you think? I must say I do. It is never failing. And no I'm not saying I would want it to not happen... I suppose in a lot of ways the new year brings about new beginnings, and hope... but it just seems that in a lot more ways it brings about endings, and inevitable change. But I suppose I could be completely wrong. I suppose that this year I could get everything I have ever wanted... that this "new" year could bring about every change I have been hoping for...

Have you ever tried at something so hard, and after a good many attempts and failures it sort of breaks your spirits? Well, I think I'm broken... once and for all. It is like a stallion running free suddenly pinned up in a barn... he tries for a good long while to be free again. He'll fight everything in sight, but if you keep him pinned up just long enough... he will bow down and take what is coming to him. But the problem then is that his head stays bowed, it hangs as if ashamed. He's not as good of a horse, he takes the load but there is no enthusiasm, no pride. And eventually it is not the same horse, his eyes don't glisten, nays don't speak like they once did. And eventually he is regarded as just another material object instead of the respected spirit that was so attracting in the first place. Not only has his temper been tamed, but also his vitality.
11:35 PM

Sunday, December 17, 2000

You know I can't help but think..."I wish I had done things differently. I wish I could just take it all back. I hate the fact that my insecurities, infringed upon yours; and cause endless rejection. What if I had taken you home? What if I had excepted dinner? Where would I be now? Maybe I wouldn't be morning the loss of someone I never really had."

You know I see you with her, and I don't KNOW that you like her and I don't KNOW that she likes you, but I figure that's the way it is. And it hurts, it hurts so badly. It's going slowly, but I'm trying... it is just that I fell so hard that getting back up is so painful. And I know you don't feel this way about me. And I'm looking for comfort everywhere I can, but there just isn't any. I feel completely abandoned, and I don't know what to do about it. I mean there are days where I'm fine with things the way they ended up, then there are others where the sight of you makes me tear up from the sheer pain of it all. It's just so hard... and I suppose the hardest part is knowing that I single handedly screwed up all possibilities of us having an absolutely wonderful friendship.
1:10 AM

Thursday, November 23, 2000

Okay so this week has turned out A-OK. I got my acceptance letter from Berry. I must say I was extremely overjoyed.

The other good news is that I will be legal in exactly two days... well one if you consider I will be 18 on Saturday. So you count it however you want, but my birthday will be here Saturday either way.
1:20 PM

Wednesday, November 08, 2000

So, things are better... a lot better. I spent the majority of yesterday on the campus of Berry College, in Rome GA. And I must say it is the most beautiful college I have ever seen, it was so inspirational that I even filled out my application... and I plan on this being the only one I submit. It was dreary, and cold, and wet... and yet it was still absolutely breath taking. It is everything one (well one like me) could want in a college. It has an awesome reputation, wonderful academic program, great extracurricular programs, a gorgeous campus, nice people, cows, horses, deer, turkeys, rabbits, and squirrels, a nice size town near by... and well soon they will have me... and that really will make it perfect. ;-) I am just so excited, and well it has put my mind at ease a little because I don't feel like I am just meandering around with no purpose... at least now I know where I want to go to college. And I do know that I want to go to college there. It is just one of those feelings you get when you first walk on to a campus... and you know... I'm sure if I were to pursue it I would get that feeling with other colleges... like Harvard and Yale... but why should I worry about such things. So now all I have to do is decide on what I want to major in... you know the greatest fear of all... decision what I'll be "stuck" doing for the rest of my life..
9:11 PM

Sunday, October 29, 2000

I swear...you all are just a bunch of damn liberals. I suppose I love you any way... not that I'm a republican but GORE is an IDIOT!!
7:08 PM

Thursday, October 26, 2000

So, today was spent in the car touring the campus of UGA. My mom had some work to do in Athens so she took me along... it meant she only had to do the drive once... and she made money off of it, so it was good. We first got lost in downtown Athens due to the fact that every single person in Athens assumes that everyone knows exactly where they are going. Then we went to the visitor's center, and then got lost while trying to view the rest of the campus. Needless to say, I wasn't impressed with UGA... in fact I didn't like it at all. I mean I suppose I was expecting to go down there and fall in love with it, but it was just too big, and too impersonal... and well too BIG.

So, the whole UGA experience, and a little time to myself has got me thinking ( yeah, I know)... about whether or not I should even go to college. I mean, I don't even know what I want to major in, and I am so scared of being stuck in the same job for the rest of my life... and extended education means exactly that... I have to do the same thing for the rest of my life. I wouldn't be able explore the world and my capabilities... I would only have the knowledge to do that one thing... the exact same thing forever. And what if I do go to college, and then later decide I don't like what I'm doing? Then I have to start all over again, and get more, new knowledge. And then I would feel as if I had failed at life. So what is worse... not succeeding or never trying?
9:09 PM

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

I'm lying to myself, and in the process am lying to everyone around me... not intentionally mind you... just inevitably. I want so badly to be able to be honest, especially with myself... and in some respects I am... yet, in other aspects I can't help but delude myself... to see clearly hurts too badly.
12:27 AM

Thursday, October 19, 2000

Okay, well... life goes on, it drags on in large intervals, very long exhausting intervals known as days. And yet with every day that goes on, I still find no contentness... I mean, things happen and change and I get angry at some friends, and fall for others. My feelings stay the same, but I expect theirs to change... it is the whole personal double standard. "What is good for me isn't what is good for you and you can't have it anyway." So if I have this mentality does that mean that everyone else has this mentality too? And if so do they expect this to apply to me? Am I the one that is suppose to change... am I suppose to except their change? Well, damn-it I won't.

Just because we don't spend every waking moment together like we used to doesn't give you the right to push me aside. I won't stand for that... I won't let you push me aside, and me get hurt because I've been deserted by yet another "friend"... so I'll go away first. I'll be the one to cut off our friendship, because it means I don't get hurt as badly, cause you see... unlike you I care about us being friends. And I can't deal with being abandoned, I won't make myself deal with that. It's not fair... it is not all my responsibility... that is what happened with the rest, and now it is slowly but surely happening with you and I. All it would take is a phone call or and e-mail. I've had to be the one to do it up until now... but not anymore... if you care you will this time... if not then I guess our friendship is over. Just know that you did this not me, and that I will always be here... for the phone to ring... the number may just not be the same.
9:13 PM

Wednesday, October 11, 2000

It seems as if we have a genius in our mist... congratulations my dear. And you will have to show me the really cool gray pants tomorrow... but I must say I envy you for I have to dress up again tomorrow... Mock Trials suck, especially when you are loosing! But that is a whole calamitous story in it's self.

I have fallen back into the pits...again... even thought things have been really busy and not too bad around here, I'm really not understanding where the inspiration is coming from... it is just coming and I must take advantage while I can... so the point is I will probably be producing a few new works this week... when I do I will inform.
5:42 PM