1. Why Dwarves Rule!

3. Excuse Me, SIR?

2. Elves? Pshaw!

4. For Shame? Moron!

+-+-+-+

Thanks to No Apologies! Press for giving me this web space!

Wednesday, September 12, 2001

FUCK YOU, TERRORISTS. FUCK YOU.

posted by Brent Johnson 11:31 AM

Thursday, September 06, 2001

One must sayeth that surprise strikes like the sword of Shanilear that the DwarfLover hast not yet made some sarcastic remark about the demise of one's favorite roleplay character. Perhaps we have turned a corner? Or perhaps Chris knows from past RPG lives the pain.

The pain...

I thought I was ready to discusseth the falling of one of Elvedom's most important heroes... I'm not!
posted by Larry Pressfield 3:08 PM

Friday, August 24, 2001

Methinks it time to apologize for mine long absence (forsooth, it is strange to apologize for mine non-appearance in a forum that is not mine own, but judging by the electronic mails I haveth receivethed of late, it appears that an Elf is the star of a Dwarfhold. Wonders shall never ceaseth.)

Alas, I, Larry Pressfield, must announce the death of one who was as close to me as family -- mine long played, well awarded, much beloved, most heroic character, Brennan "The Fist" Morningstar.

He... wait... I can't go on, not yet...
posted by Larry Pressfield 11:04 AM

Monday, July 23, 2001

No Apologies! Press is looking for people to become Extended Family Members of the new mascot they hope to adopt in the very near future. Check out their Mascot site and join up. I'm an Extended Family Member! Are you, Larry?

Bah. Whatever. I'm obviously NOT chaotic. These are adventurers I've just met and I've found them suddenly suspicious. I'm just roleplaying, dude. I suppose you'd play a Lawful Good character and if the people at your table were roleplaying Lawful Evil characters, you'd just go along with everything they do because they're part of your group? I know you would not, Larry. We shall see how things turn out whenever my GM is free for the next session for I have spoken with the halfling at the Wizard's of the Coast store and he says I shall learn a lot more than I've assumed at next session. Perhaps hesitation and asking my new comrades about the news before turning them in may have been a wiser way to go. But I've been a long time from the Role Playing table and I may make a few mistakes as I go.


posted by Chris Davenport 9:35 PM

Thursday, July 19, 2001

Cccchhhh! A typical chaotic dwarf who can't be depended on to defend his comrades-in-arms! But whatever, for your game is your own and not mine. Speaking of which...

Tonight, my current character Brennan the Fist -- you might recall him saving the entire Old World singlehandedly -- must face what mayhap be his greatest challenge yet: The Mogul Dragon of the Chaos Wastelands. "Dragon?" you say, surprised. "Dragons in the Chaos Wastelands?" To which I say, indeed. Turns out this particular dragon not only survived the Realms of Chaos, he conquered a fair portion of them. Needless to say, the peril to the Old World is tantamount and I and two companions must dispense with him. With Dimurang, that viscious sword of the ages, in hand, I forsee no real problem.
posted by Larry Pressfield 3:37 PM

Wednesday, July 18, 2001

Fame and glory will soon be mine! In our current Warhammer adventure, we made it to Kislev without much problem. As we approached the city, my fellow travellers and I formulated a plan. Since the three of them were known and wanted through muc of the Empire, they decided I should enter the city ahead of them and scout things out. Seemed to me a bit paranoid, seeing as how Kislev pretty much runs itself outside of the Empire's boundaries, but I was up for a nice bit of solo play.

Once through the gate, I actually started seeing wanted posters of both Gallyin and Vashir; the former for practicing the dark arts and the latter for murder, assassination and treason. I made some inquiries about the local taverns. Turns out my fellow travellers haven't been totally honest with me. Rumor had it, they're agents of the Empire and were hired to assassinate the Royal Family of Kislev. An attempt had been made on the prince's life a few months ago by the duo but fate smiled on him and he discovered the plot. The guards beset the assassins but they escaped when Gallyin summoned a horde of dark shadows and wraiths to take the guards.

The thing that interested me most was the large gold crown reward for the capture of the two: 15,000 gold crowns.

So I met with some very important advisors to the king with my information. Seeing as how it's an elf assassin and a lover of dead things I'm helping to set a trap for, I didn't feel too bad.

I hope they don't read ths page. Probably not. Neither seems the type to be interested in dwarf porn and I haven't told them about it. Where could I bitch about my fellow gamers if they knw about my site?
posted by Chris Davenport 7:49 PM

Wednesday, June 27, 2001

What a cheater!
posted by Larry Pressfield 4:54 PM

Tuesday, June 26, 2001

Just got back from another round of Warhammer with my new dwarf Chezwik Tunnelbound. Tonight, the four of us (Hidge, Gallyin, Vashir and me) journeyed north along the base of the World's Edge Mountains toward Kislev. I got to know Gallyin the Elementalist fairly well on our journey. It seems she was an apprentice in Talabheim under a Elementalist name Zark'al who was heavily into the politics of the city. He seemed more concerned in playing off the political figures within the city to gain more power for himself than with teaching Gallyin much. She became frustrated with his lack of interest in the Elemental arts and began studying late on her own. Well, one roleplaying cliche lead to another and she found herself eavesdropping on a meeting with Gallyin and what she thought was a higher up in the Talabheim courts. Turns out it wasn't. It was a demon with a remarkable sense of smell. She was found out and barely escaped with the help of her small knowledge of the Elemental Arts. The next day, she found out she was wanted for summoning demons and sending them to kill wealthy public figures. She made her escape with the help Hidge, who she'd just recently begun prowling the city with.

That was the most interesting part of the night. Mainly, we all just got to know each other a little better. Except for Vashir, who really just kept to himself. We also stumbled upon a small encampment of orcs and Vashir took out two with his bow before Chezwick could even draw his axe. We didn't find much on the orcs. I'm hoping to start getting some real loot when we hit Kislev and start fighting the Chaos Hordes!
posted by Chris Davenport 10:59 PM

Monday, June 25, 2001

What's a mouth-breather?

Anyway, that chick, BabewithaBrain@aol.com, can email me anytime! I bet she's real smart and hot!
posted by Larry Pressfield 1:35 PM

Friday, June 22, 2001

For want of anything better to post at the moment, let me post a few emails from retards who are still using AOL. Feel free to e-mail them with obscene and crappy remarks.

nice mullet, mouth-breather.

       --BabewithaBrain@AOL

Please cut your mullet! Where do people go to get their hair cut like that
anymore? Do the USA a favor and cut that mullet! I am sure I am not the
first to tell you...

       --DickBikini@AOL

Napolean the Midget is using my computer at the moment. Please call him at
1-800-315-9888 Thank you

       --SWall23@AOL

And here are a few from Assholes who have actually evolved enough to not use AOL (although I don't think the guy using Hotmail really counts).

you are a loser.
       --Sam Jackson

Nice mullet ya perveted freak!
       --Fat Nik Merrifield

I'm sure most of these people suffer from obesity or negative personality syndrome or syphillis but they invariably seem to be concerned about my hairstyle. Fuck all of you, assholes. It's as if Mullets Galore has given them the downtrodden group they've been longing to kick. I'd at least respect you if you hated me for your own reasons and not because of a funny web page you happened to be instant messaged.

Did I mention 'Fuck You'?

posted by Chris Davenport 8:11 PM

Thursday, June 21, 2001

I've been a bit busy lately between work and my new roleplay group. Yes, you heard right! I finally found a group of people to roleplay Warhammer with. I met the gamemaster, Chad, while playing in a Magic tournament at the new Wizards of the Coast store in the mall. We were playing a sealed deck (7th edition) and I had opted for a weenie deck composed of black, green and blue. I had a few Blood Pets, Llanowar Elves and Canopy Spiders to get some quick action going. Followed those up with a few bigger creatures like Hollow Dogs. Then I had to throw Blue in because I had Tolarian Winds, Treasure Trove and Inspiration. Made my 40 card deck *super* quick (when I had the proper mana). But that wasn't too hard because I had a sky, moss and charcoal diamond to throw into the mix. Anyway, Chad and I made it to the finals. He destroyed me with an even quicker weenie deck. Lots of one mana cost creatures bulked up with Unholy strengths and giant growths and that sort of thing.

Anyway, I mentioned how Magic just wasn't as satisfying as a good, consistent Roleplay group. And whaddayaknow? He was GMing a weekly group in Warhammer! So I met up with them last week and created my first new Dwarven character in WAY too long. A Troll Slayer named Chezwik Tunnelbound. He's Very Resilient and Very Strong!

Most of the night was dedicated to creating Chezwik. He's from the Southern end of the World's Edge Mountians, just East of the Badlands. He's been wandering the Empire, mostly throught the World's Edge Mountains, since he was a young Dwarf. His family was killed by Dark Elves and he was banished from his clan for being unable to protect his kin. He can only return when he has once again proven his bravery and his ability to protect those in his clan. Chezwick was ambushed by a group of Hobgoblins while traversing a narrow chasm just South of the Moot. Hemmed in by arrows and boulders, Chezwik could only bide his time. Luckily, a small group of adventurers were travelling in just that area and were able to get the upper hand on the hobgoblins. Chezwik was very grateful and has decided to travel with his rescuers.

My new travelling companions are Hidge, a Halfling thief wanted just about everywhere in the Empire, Gallyin, a female Elementalist who was driven from Talabheim by rival sorcerors and labeled a Demonologist and Vashir, a mysterious elf who I believe may be an assassin of some repute. Currently, we are headed North to Kislev. From there we plan on making some money in the war against Chaos hordes in order to travel more inconspicuously within the Empire.

I can't wait to play next week.
posted by Chris Davenport 12:28 AM

Monday, June 11, 2001

Well lah dee dah! YOU'RE in Maxim. How's it feel to be so FAMOUS?!

(I've just been advised by my Protocol Advisor that the above statement sounded "jealous." I disagreed and overrode him, but on the off chance someone does think so, trust me, it's not.)

Here's a great resource for all you actual roleplayers out there (as oppossed to those coming in to check out us "dorks" or seeking out "dwarfporn")... The Canonical List of Famous Last Words (Roleplayers Edition). Roleplayers far and wide would do well to read -- and learn -- from the follies of characters past. Just imagine the situation when players uttered:

"I know an illusion when I see one."

"Why can't we take Clarissa (Disguised evil high priestess) with us?"

"Thank God it's finally over!"

Ah, these quotes bring back memories of my early roleplaying days! :).
posted by Larry Pressfield 3:37 PM

Friday, June 08, 2001

Also, we've been getting quite a bit of traffic from HowFreshIsThisGuy lately. I was posted there quite some time back (much to my dismay and shame, although the traffic is nice) and the hits died down a long time ago. Just recently though, I've been receiving about a hundred hits a day from HowFreshIsThisGuy. Turns out, the site was featured in Maxim (and MaximOnline). Maxim has a little pull out guide to web pages and HowFresh is one of them. And the screen shot of HowFresh has my picture. That's about the closest I've been to a hot chick in, well, EVER. Thank you Maxim.
posted by Chris Davenport 7:16 PM

Actually, my site wasn't supposed to be all about roleplaying but sort of the life of one particular roleplayer. It just happened that when I started this blog, I was about to join a local group but they splintered into a bunch of little factions over whether to continue playing D&D 2nd edition or to upgrade to 3rd edition. I was pretty busy and really just wanted to find a Warhammer group anyway, so I just dropped out of that scene.

But, I think you have a valid point. The place is called DwarfLover and the five percent of people finding my site not looking for Dwarf Porn, are indeed looking to read about roleplaying and dwarves.

When are you going to get around to setting up a Lord of the Rings Blog?
posted by Chris Davenport 7:12 PM

Wednesday, June 06, 2001

I think we should just convert "Chris Davenport, DwarfLover"to "Larry Pressfield, Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region"! All ten dwarf-only roleplayers out there in the world who might even think about checking out this site are due for a big disappointment because:

A) Chris hardly adds anything to this blog
B) When Chris does write anything, he hardly writes about roleplaying dwarves

My advisors counseled me to return to this blog after Chris and I had the Big Blow-Up earlier (as dwarves and elves are wont to do) so we could learn something about what compels roleplayers to play such a nasty-ass race! And while I like posting my stories about Elvendom, it ain't exactly what the people checking out "DwarfLover"are looking for, is it? No wonder more than twice as many people voting on which race they want to play choose elves over dwarves!

posted by Larry Pressfield 11:49 AM

Friday, May 25, 2001

Okay, here's a poem that did win, a couple years ago. I actually thought it wouldn't win -- it wasn't epic, it was really just for me. Yet everyone in my holt really responded and identified with it! So I'm proud to present...

Private Time with Private Parts
by Larry Pressfield, Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region

Oh, I have tripped about this wondrous land,
From the Western seas to the Eastern sands,
Fought thousands, nay, tens of thousands
of battles and wars, with bow and lance!

And in my journeys I have seen
the fairest lasses and gayest queens
the tallest towers and grand cities
but through it all, it always seems

My private time with private parts
is most satisfactory for me

I need not the bussle of city streets!
Nor the hussle of any city meets!
I just want to stare at the veiny leaves
Among hidden trees, where elves retreat!

For private time with private parts
Is better by far for an elven peace!

For who needs the constant flutter
of mortal goers and mortal comers?
I prefer when I'm alone, without another
Away from all my mortal lovers

My private time with private parts
is where I come, under cover...
posted by Larry Pressfield 10:40 AM

Monday, May 21, 2001

My poem did not win, although I have won in the past. Just not this time. Maybe next time.

Larule's poem is about the Elven homeland that is used in most of our roleplay clubs here in Missouri. Elarian is the jade-green forest that covers that land, while Duardie is the grandly city that graces it!

Live Action Role Play? Hmm. Not really. I mean, we do do Live Action stuff, but only for festivals and get-togethers and the such. Most of the roleplaying is done on the tabletop -- although it can get pretty lively when one of those mean Chaos players reaches across and rips up your character sheet, those bastards. "What's the big deal? I just killed him anyway!" is their justification. But I like to save my deceased characters in a folder I've named, "Crypt Grimoire of Fallen Heroes."

Nah. Live Action Role Play is pretty gay, if you ask me. It's mostly goths and that sort running around and complaining that they're level 10 so you shouldn't be able to see them, since you're only level 2 or something. Stupid and lame.
posted by Larry Pressfield 1:58 PM

Wednesday, May 16, 2001

Hey, Larry, what was your poem?
So, are the St Louis Dwarven group, Human group and Halfling group as into this Live Action RolePlay thing as the Elves are? And if so, what do they do? I never knew this kind of intense stuff went on, which may be part of the reason that I was as perplexed as I was that my ProDwarf rant (with a few anti-elf statements) caused such a hoopla out there in MO. I've only ever been part of late night gaming sessions with a few close friends and the occasional join in at a Con (as you know, having shared a table with you at least once).
Also, I don't get that Elf poem. What the hell is Larule talking about? At least a Dwarf poem would be understandable (well, it would be if it were in English).

Zeiger auf Urlaub

Es war einmal ein Zeiger,
der hält es nicht mehr aus
in seinem Uhrenhaus,
denn er hat sich geweigert,
sich stets im Kreis zu drehen.
Die Welt wollt´er jetzt sehen.

In der Nacht -
ganz unbewacht -
schlich er sich fort
zum neuen Ort.
Er wollte nach Amerika,
wo alles sehr viel besser war.

Er kroch auf´s Schiff an Bord.
Denn das fuhr nach New York.
Doch in der neuen Welt
gab es heute leider
nur Uhren ohne Zeiger.

So begab er sich in Ruhestand
in Californien am Strand.

posted by Chris Davenport 10:14 PM

Tuesday, May 15, 2001

Ah! The following is the poem that won the monthly "Poems that Make Elves Cry" competition in our holt. I feel it exemplifies the meaning of being an elf roleplayer in the "imaginary" world we play in. I must admit, a tear was shed by even me. (Once you have read the poem, you may want to join an elven roleplay club -- just drop me a note at larrypressfield@yahoo.com and I'll try to get you info for your region of the country).

Oh Elarian, Oh Duardie!
by Larule Pauano

Tis true, this new old world
holds much to awonder the heart!
The Vales of Eladrioradorld!
The Blaquemont Hearth!
And my home away from home,
The Everglade of the Elvenhuard!

Ah! But I remember Elarian!
Oh, I 'member you, Duardie!

And lo! We thrust our poorly selves
from the shores of those blessed lands!
And hi! We landed here, wondrous elves,
every step wrought flowers from sands.

A wondrous place made we
amongst this mortal country.
But oh, how I miss Elarian,
How I ache for Duardie!

Ah! I remember Elarian!
Blessed forest of our child times!
Oh, I remember Duardie!
Blessed city of the youthful kind!

And if my coil should unfurl
My eternal life's flag unfold
Would then my spirit flag
Would then my heart go cold?

Or would I flee upon the eve
of the holiday of my life
upon the crests and over the sea
to my lands, like a kite?

I hope so, I dearly do
for the love of my county.
I remember Elarian,
I remember Duardie

Oh!
posted by Larry Pressfield 5:03 PM

Saturday, May 12, 2001

Where are all the chicks who roleplay Dwarves? At first I thought Larry was just a bit obsessed and not too many people did this Live Action thing. Then I thought maybe it was just people who love Elves who do it, trying to make their lives seem, um, prettier. But I guess Dwarf Lovers do it too.

posted by Chris Davenport 12:16 AM

Tuesday, May 08, 2001

Sigh... when is that elfchick going to email me...
posted by Larry Pressfield 4:14 PM

Monday, May 07, 2001

Forsooth! This is supposed to be a forum for dwarves, but since I detest them and since Chris isn't around much, I'm gonna tell you about THE GREATEST MOMENTS OF THE ELVES!!! Especially my gaming session last night! As Lord Brennan the Fist (the real Brennan the Fist, not the one portrayed by NA!P as a chick elf), I single handedly fought off an entire Chao Legion that threatened to do the impossible -- burst through the gates of that great Eastern city, Kislev!

It was a grim moment indeed! For all the Allies of Order were scattered, and the Chaos Legion came in strong. And should Kislev should fall, then the hordes of chaos would spill across our fair lands at will! We had but one chance -- me. For Brennan had Dimurang, the sword most feared by the Chaos Legions, because it causes HUGE extra damage against those with the Black Blood! Plus, the Elven wargod Earul finally answered my prayers (who said worshipping the gods wasn't worth it??) and granted me extra strength, toughness, a Fate Point and one more attack per round!!!

But still, the Legion was legion -- wave after wave of Chaos warriors poured in against me, seeking to breach the gates. The fate of the free peoples lay in my ability to hold them off. And the game master wasn't forgiving, for after a while I had to make toughness checks to make sure I didn't falter. And I didn't fail one! (Well, I could have failed one, but I had that Fate Point handy and used it!)

Needless to say, the roleplaying went on through the night, well into the morning. Finally, after much dice-rolling, Mountain Dew and erasing of pencil scratches, I came out, victorious! Oh, the rejoicing, for all of my Elven club (many of whom had characters that died in the earlier battles) remained to watch this desperate stand of one heroic elf! Even the GM wept, having never seen anything like it in his ten-plus years of gaming. It was truly, gloriously a gaming session for the record books.
posted by Larry Pressfield 11:47 AM

Friday, May 04, 2001

I AM THE BEST!!!
Normally, I'd be in character and not bragging about how great my character is because my character is very demure and not one to brag about his exploits... but since I'm not allowed to be in character on this board... You are now reading not only the ElfLord of Elves of the Great St. Louis Metropolitan Region, but the one and only Grand Dancer of the Spring Greeting Festival, an annual ritual that welcomes both the gold of sun and green of nature back to the world, as well as the blushing Elven newbies that have joined one of the many Elven roleplay clubs ("holts," as some players call them) in the St. Louis area. Yes, it will be me dancing alone in the Elessar Fields (aka King Park) -- and, by the way, I happen to be the only elf to have been both Elflord and Grand Dancer at any one time in the entire history of Missouri roleplaying! I AM THE BEST!

So if you're that hot chick with green hair and are just dying to contact me, do so! I can get you free admission to the Festival!
posted by Larry Pressfield 3:00 PM

Saturday, April 28, 2001

Well, Larry, you realize that at this, shall we say, 'dry point' in my life, I probably wouldn't turn down the elf chick in the middle that looks like she ate four or five other hotter elves. And don't let the green hair distract you from the poochy belly and flat chest. Although, she is pretty cute. But she isn't 'elf-like', sir.
One other little matter: Learn how to end your HTML tags. You have a habit of turning all the other entries different colors because you forget your </font> tag.
posted by Chris Davenport 9:56 PM

You, sir, are a complete homosexual. Oh sure, most of them are not "beautiful," but that chick at the end with green hair is just hot. She can email me any time she wants! I bet she'd appreciate corresponding (and possibly meeting) the Lord of the Elves of Missouri! I know I would!
posted by Larry Pressfield 6:37 PM

Click above for larger picture.
Oy! THIS is a group of elves? I can see why they'd want to think they were graceful, beautiful, elegant beings. This is just scary. Roleplaying elves is dangerous. I think it's the actual danger that parents should be concerned about. Not rock music or pornography or drinking or drugs or roleplaying in general. The real danger is roleplaying ELVES
It would be really scary if people who roleplayed dwarves had this same mentality. A bunch of people gathered together trying to grow really horribly long beards and spending their weekends in caves trying to forge things.
posted by Chris Davenport 8:33 AM

Friday, April 27, 2001

Noting that, according to the results of the continuing poll in the left column, people actually like roleplaying elves better than dwarves (nearly two to one!), I feel it appropriate to point my fellow elves to a home away from home. Of particular interest to DwarfLover and the boys at NA!P will be this accurate and moving description of what it is to be an elf, and what compels us elves to be elves. I wonder if Rilian has ever heard of me? I am, afterall, Larry Pressfield, Elflord of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region!
posted by Larry Pressfield 10:08 AM

Thursday, April 26, 2001

When shall "Larry Pressfield's Ultimate Discussion of the Lord of the Rings" be up? When indeed! Them people at No Apologies! Press keep responding with "We're busy, Larry! We've got a lot to do around here! Back off already!" Furthermore, they've banned me from sending more than one email a day! Imagine, in this day and age, when instant communications are now available, that I can't just send in my modest thoughts and suggestions for the site that's bearing my name. Never fear, however -- I've taken too jotting down all my thoughts on the my home-made notebook (comprised of binding together the character sheets of all the players I have slain with my various elf characters throughout the years) and then sending them off the NA!P. Once a day. Just like they said. I wish they would actually respond.
posted by Larry Pressfield 4:22 PM

Thursday, April 12, 2001

I think the folks at No Apologies! have lost the transcript to our historic meeting and they're now scrambling to make stuff up. They left out when I called you a 'dewlicker' also. I do like the fact that the elf is kind of sexually ambiguous.
So, Larry, when's you're Blogger gonna be up? I'm all up for a LotR discussion and what not.
And I know Warhammer is *the* game but I just can't wait for Neverwinter Nights y'all.
posted by Chris Davenport 9:11 PM

This Elflord... er, sorry, uhm... I just read the latest episode of NA!P's comic based on the transcript of an actual roleplay session (actually, a roleplay EMERGENCY that Chris initiated! But all you "dwarf lovers" know that story already -- and if you don't, read the articles on the left), and I find it very inaccurate -- I distinctly remember calling Chris' character a "mudmuncher." What? Is "mudmuncher" too offensive for NA!P's under 18 fans??? That's a bit like a Dungeon Master who, making a secret test against a poison dart, fudges the roll so that the player doesn't die: NOT REALISTIC NOR FUN! If you die, YOU DIE! The fates have so decided!!!

(And let that be a lesson to all the DMs out there -- fudging die rolls IS BAD FORM!).

So says Larry Pressfield, Elf Fan (is that alright to say here???).
posted by Larry Pressfield 3:01 PM

E-Mail Me!
Chris Davenport

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