FUCK YOU, TERRORISTS. FUCK YOU.

posted by Upright at 11:30 AM

QUASI-THINKING & PSEUDO-LEARNING 101
Professor I. Noah Better wants to help YOU figure out those tedious quandaries in your life that you just don't have the time to figure out. In his debut, he answers two hapless people's questions for two guys just wanting to get laid: one through pop music interpretation and the other in the most uncomfortable of places. The Professor also wants you to send your own questions in, so get to mailing.
posted by The Red Lizard King at 8:39 PM

URL OF THE MOMENT
Grimcity
Not sure how to describe Grimcity, and that's fine by us, because every time we click on the thing, we end up finding out something new, such as, oh... it is illegal to say I want to kill the President of the USA (Is it okay to say, "I want to kill the Usurper of Democracy Who Is Currently Whoring Out the Lincoln Bedroom for Phat Caish"? We hope so!) Best of all -- NO POP-UPS!
posted by Upright at 10:40 AM

FUTURE RETARD
American Accent
Hmm... well, there was a point to this particular strip, but I lost it somehow, so yeah, more random than usual. Sigh...
posted by Upright at 2:52 PM

NA!P PRESENTS
King Mongo Game Review: Black & White
Tired of the same boring, tiresome and straight-to-the-point game reviews you can find any old place on the Internet? So was King Mongo, so he went French academician on our asses and wrote this meta review of "Black & White" (and if you don't know what "meta" means, you will after reading this).
posted by Upright at 9:29 PM

URL OF THE MOMENT
The Daily Bull
Sure, would-be usurpers to The Onion's throne come by the dozen, but the Daily Bull has carved out it's own "satyrize the media to all fuck" space on the Web. You may recall that The Bull was the first on the scene when Lucas apologized and renamed "Attack of the Clones," following it up with "George Lucas Denies Changing Episode II Title." But wait, there's more: "Ask Uncle Jeb" -- Jeb's dead, but ask him anyway.
posted by Upright at 1:28 PM

HELP NO APOLOGIES! PRESS FUND A MASCOT!
We need YOU to help US take care of THEM!
No Apologies! Press is a caring, charitable organization. The only problem is we don't have any money to be charitable with. But that's where you come in! Help No Apologies! adopt a starving child and you'll be taking a step to making this world a much funnier place. (Corporate sponsors more than welcome)
posted by The Red Lizard King at 10:46 PM

NOTES FROM THE RED LIZARD KING
WWJD?
Let that mighty role model who died for your fucked up perverse sins give you the low down on the stank on the hang low. That's right. Everyone is running around asking What Jesus Would Do (should I get the station wagon or the SUV? Oh Jesus, what would YOU choose?), NA!P has given that mighty saviour of everyone's souls the opportunity to tell you Who Would Jesus Do? He's down with OPP, G.
posted by The Red Lizard King at 11:45 PM

MOVIE REVIEWS
A.I. reviewed by Death Rock and Nice Alice
Death Rock and Nice Alice see a lot of movies. Occasionally, they'll review one. Death Rock says he won't be happy until the two thumbs up or down rating system is replaced by the How Many Jon Bon Jovi Heads Worth of Suckage system. Nice Alice is still hoping that at least one nice thing can be said about every movie. Although A.I. has put her to the test.
posted by The Red Lizard King at 5:00 PM

NA!P PRESENTS
NEWSFLASH: Tax-Refund Checks Bounce
It's us! We told you and the rest of the world first! With our brand-new, crackin' reporter Hesah McToole onboard, we are the very, very first to bring the worst news ever to light -- the so-called "tax cut" is a hoax, and the refund checks Americans are receiving are bouncing! Please note that we stand by our reporter, after careful vetting on our part of his notes. Though we'll be the first to dump his ass if he embarasses us...
posted by Upright at 10:40 PM

FUTURE RETARD
Reality Is a Stupid Comic
Stephen Hawking takes our hero for a trip beyond the dark little corners of his hut into the realms of time and space, as perceived through the lens of a comic. Or something.
posted by Upright at 11:00 PM

READING RAINBOW: THE OUT-TAKES
White Noise Reviewed by James
Kids today. Why aren't they reading things like Sam and the Firefly or Ramona the Pest? This out-take was edited down from the original clip. I should put up an MPEG of the shots cut from this kid's book report. Rogaine, Monoxodyl, Propecia.He just flies off the handle every few lines and raves on about Killers and Diers and which one are you. I heard it really freaked out the camera guys. Hey Parents! Get your kids some books with pictures, fer Chrissakes.
posted by The Red Lizard King at 10:15 PM

MOVIE REVIEWS
Memento
Death Rock and Nice Alice are back after a bit of a hiatus from reviewing movies. It's not as if they haven't seen plenty of movies; it's just that they were too sick, depressed or pissed off after having sat through the last four or five to even consider writing reviews. Hopefully, Memento has wiped those horrible movies from their minds.
posted by The Red Lizard King at 1:08 AM

NA!P PRESENTS
Crazy Asian Drinks: The Third Batch
God help, but it's true -- Jeff and Brent did drink the these disgusting bastards. And are the rumours about Drinkachu true? Do find out!
posted by Upright at 6:06 PM

FUTURE RETARD
Comics Are Stoopid
Comics, the literature of the future! Comics, the mass market art! Comics, easily digested by retards and super-intellectuals alike, entertain for minutes on end and double as toilet paper in a moment of need! Of course, our hero is neither a super-intellectual nor a retard, and has some very cogent points to make against comics. Very cogent, indeed...

(And dammit, decorate your site with these new bastardly rad buttons!)
posted by Upright at 3:57 PM

DWARF LOVER: THE COMIC
Brennan Vs Kohk
It's a meeting of the minds when Elf meets Dwarf. Diplomacy was never so filled with sexual tension. Just try not to think about the fact that the female elf is role played by a male nerd. *shudder*
posted by The Red Lizard King at 1:03 AM

NA!P PRESENTS
Goat Sex
Just read it -- it's that important.
posted by Upright at 10:13 PM

GRUNION GUY'S DIARY
Grunion Guy's Awards for Writers
Grunion Guy decided to throw together a little awards ceremony for the crew at No Apologies! Press. We didn't really care one way or another so he had total control over the categories and nominees. Even if Grunion Guy wins, I can't imagine he'll be too happy when Death Rock re-introduces him to the Duke Boys for passing up Movie Reviews in every single category.
posted by The Red Lizard King at 7:59 PM

URL OF THE WEEK
Great Mobile Homes of Missouri
Ha ha ha! We all talk about white trash and their trailors -- but we don't really know white trash. Thank God. After this glimpse into Missouri trailor trash hell, you'll be thanking your diety too.
posted by Upright at 10:01 AM

THE GALACTIC HERO CORPS
The Death of Mr. Mystic
Can it be true? A death in the Corps? Or is it just a sensational title to lure in readers? You be the judge, reader, by reading it. Reading it like the wind! Don't miss the extra-special feature (which is a feature of a Grunion Guy Story, just in case you miss it).
posted by The Red Lizard King at 5:30 PM

THAT CAVORTIN' BASTARD SEZ
Can't Even Say Nigger, Yo
I was hoping we'd have Perl technology to set up a How Racist Are You poll for this article, but our provider never did get around to setting up Perl for us. So until then, just read this article and figure you would have scored 100% on a How Racist Are You quiz (if you're white, that is. Minorities would probably only score 90-95 percent or so).
posted by The Red Lizard King at 6:05 PM

FUTURE RETARD
Funding, v.3
The Funding Crisis reaches, uhm... a crisis point! One last desperate attempt at learning the Super Bowl results is all that separates Our Hero from untold riches, a time machine, and final, nut-munching victory over Future Retard himself! Will he succeed? Or will he utterly fail? Invest five seconds of your life and find out!

(And invest another 10 seconds and catch "Funding" and "Funding, Part Deux". Okay? Okay? God...)
posted by Upright at 3:28 PM

DWARF LOVER: THE COMIC
Duke Suetir Appears
The second installment from the transcription of the St Louis gaming communities peace talks with Chris Davenport. And though this comic hasn't gotten anywhere near where they do the peace talk thing (and I'm beginning to doubt it will, seeing how it's funner to make up things they said), if you check out Chris's page, you'll see that the meeting didn't accomplish much. Relations between the Dwarves and Elves seem as strained as ever.
Perhaps if the races didn't have such stubborn, belligerent, mocking diplomats who obviously have no self-esteem, things might've gone better.
posted by The Red Lizard King at 3:08 PM

NO APOLOGIES! PRESS
No Apologies! has a new look. It's smoother, easier to update and takes a hell of a lot longer to load! But it has lots of new, pretty graphics. Did I mention it's easier to update?
posted by The Red Lizard King at 3:03 PM

URL OF THE WEEK
This Is a Cry for Help
Oh yeah! Features animations, comic strips, and dead-baby dress-up! I played with dead-baby dress-up for hours and hours and hours.
posted by Upright at 11:04 AM

NA!P PRESENTS
Crazy Asian Drinks: The Second Batch
Three more craptastic bastards one may consume -- if one is retarded and has no sense of taste or smell! Join us as we expose the myth of Asian "Drinks". And check out our first hate mail! And meet our Dark Nemesis! Oh wow!
posted by Upright at 10:35 AM

AND THE BUNNY ROARED...
What if Arkansas were on Survivor?
Doom Bunny examines the faults of each state and boots them from the Union for one reason or another. He says it's the definitive NA!P list of states which are cool enough to remain in the Union. Even thought the Red Lizard King and Upright were not consulted. And I have a feeling that he is only keeping Ohio because his wife is from there. And he kept Colorado because he went to college there.
Hell, I live in Oregon and I would've voted it off the continent in the first or second round.
posted by The Red Lizard King at 8:31 PM

URL OF THE WEEK
John Barber Comics
Fuck. This guy's site, just launched, kicks fucking ass. I'm mad as hell. This guy is doing something new, making Flash comics that don't annoy, and making it feel like you're reading a comic book. Oh, and the content? Please, the dude can write. Fucking pisses me off. I'm jealous. Can you tell I'm jealous?
posted by Upright at 3:01 PM

NA!P PRESENTS
Arnold Reviews ArnoCorps
All you Arnold fans awaiting the advent of a tribute band worthy of The Oak's name, relax -- you now have ARNOCORPS to deal with. Have your doubts? Take it from Arnold himself: This band will kick your ass. Wussy.
posted by Upright at 12:30 PM

DWARF LOVER
Enter Gary the Small...
The comic based on Chris Davenport's epic meeting with Larry Pressfield and gang begins! This is how it really happened! And if Chris says it happened different, he's a liar and had better remember that he forfieted all rights to the transcripts to NA!P.
posted by The Red Lizard King at 2:04 AM