Tuesday, September 18, 2001

Regarding the US and the war situation, I hope that the president does what he has to do without telling most of us what it is. Seriously. It won't be effective if every Tom, Dick and Harry knows in advance.

Regarding how we as a nation have come together, that's a great thing. It's amazing how so many people have put aside their personal shit for a greater cause. However, we should think twice before persecuting those in our own land. That's not helping.

I have two stepbrothers who are in the city working on shit, so I'm glad they're OK. One's in the military and the other's a city cop.

And of course, every one of us has experienced personal real life events. I'm having a fun time with depression, as usual. *end sarcasm*. Right now I can't sleep because of a snoryface. Both of our jobs have been rearranged (mine by choice) and I'll be helping to find my semi or entire replacement tomorrow (ugh, today... fucking lack of sleep). Said snoryface's job laid off many but he escaped it, however, he's on a different shift now. I hate feeling scrutinized at work because I'm the one to cry foul if I don't think shit is fair. I should've learned from my mother to shut the fuck up and ignore the people in question before complaining. My body was entirely fucked from a personal training session last Monday and I can FINALLY work out without feeling like a lump of shit as of yesterday.

So that's my life in a nutshell. Sounds exciting, no?

..so said the disorganized one at 03:12 AM.
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Tuesday, September 11, 2001

Everyone's got something to say about the World Trade Center plane crash, so I guess I've got to jump on the bandwagon. Everyone's already said the "it's a shame, it's horrible, this is the next war" shit so mine will be different.

Let's help the people who need it and quit glorifying it. Let's shut the fuck up about how we're going to nuke an entire country over this. We don't know who's responsible, and no matter who is, their whole fucking country didn't do this. If a radical faction of our society did same to a country, would all of the US deserve to die for it? Let's shut the fuck up about rumors and calm down.. try to live life as normally as we can. Even if half of the country disappears tomorrow, the other half is still alive and well and owes money and needs to eat food and take a shit.

And yes, for the individuals involved or any other murderer, I support the death penalty. But we've been through death penalty on this site.

That said, I hope that nobody that I or anyone I know knows was involved in it. And I hope that my family on Long Island wasn't too badly shaken up. And I hope that we somehow manage to stay out of a goddamned world war. And I hope that this country doesn't repeat its past actions and place Muslims or Arabs in concentration camps just for being a member of a heritage.

..so said the disorganized one at 09:11 PM.
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Saturday, September 8, 2001

I've unsuccessfully been trying to change this site to PHP again. Maybe soon. I really don't want to crank out posts when I'm just going to have to import more of them..

I'll decide.

..so said the disorganized one at 10:39 PM.
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Wednesday, September 5, 2001

I swear, this is fucked-love month (well, month-overlap).

Does it take experience to know you're being fucked over, and not in the way that causes screaming orgasms? Does it take intuition? What does it take?

This one friend (at band camp?) who I've mentioned here before, a bit covertly, and who will probably scream at me if he should come across this, is taking it up the ass and since he ain't gay I don't think that's a good idea. He's in love with a woman. Who dumped him. Who despite common sense laws that say once dumped MOVE THE FUCK ON CAUSE IT'S OVER he actually won back for a short time and made things right with. Who dumped him AGAIN, this time over email (wussy, wussy, wussy). Who said that she can't promise forever with him because he reminds her too much of her father and she can't trust him. Who it was discovered had been with an ex-boyfriend who's probably... her goddamn father's age.. behind my friend's back.. trust, anyone?

This sucks as it is. What sucks even more (I feel mortified for this guy, as if he's just going to be embarassing himself) is that he plans to try to win her back again. Oh god... he's been a good friend of mine for YEARS now.. I don't want to see him place himself in a pile of cowshit and say "here I am, come pile more on!" But I know from experience that when you have made someone such a part of your mind, your heart, your soul (oops, sold mine :P) that you call out their fucking name twelve times a second in your mind, that moving on MAY be a tad bit hard.

But damn.. you gotta make some commitments to yourself and have some standards. You shouldn't expect jack shit from other people but you should expect the best from yourself. If you throw yourself into a boiling pot and get burned, maybe you should get out of the goddamn pot.

Incidentally, I cannot condone his referral to the situation as "love." I think that if they "loved" each other, the situation would go like this:

Her: I've got designs on my ex, I'd like to experience him once more.
Him: Thank you for being honest with me, and since I trust you go have fun and please be honest.

Ok, that's a bit extreme - it shouldn't be expected for anyone to just gaily go along with that unless it's a designated "open relationship." But the point is that the person who wants to be with the ex should be honest about his/her intentions instead of making up bullshit, and the person who's being permissive should not stand for anything less than his/her standards of honesty.

..so said the disorganized one at 10:50 PM.
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Tuesday, September 4, 2001

I feel happy. And beautiful. And terrified. But terrified comes with the territory. Things are changing. I am becoming the me I've desperately wanted to be.

And I am becoming really fucking cheesy. True, I've been in zombieland for a bit. Reflecting on just who I am and what I'm doing in this world. And you know what? Who gives a flying fuck!

I don't mean that in a derogatory way. I mean that it doesn't really matter who ANYONE is. I don't really believe that there's a meaning to life.

Just what we make it. And it's the case that we perceive things in vastly different ways.

For instance, stand close to someone you're friends with. Pick any visual example, providing both of you can see. Describe the colors of the thing. Chances are, you'll actually see a slight difference in the colors. Life in general is like that.

Also, in the spirit of make-friends-with-those-bygone and whatnot, perhaps the second person on that list of three people that I referenced a couple of entries below will break down and quit ignoring me. I hope so. I think that he still has a really fucking skewed view of what our relationship was about (per the writings on his webpage, which I ain't sending links to 'cause as far as I know he hasn't read this and I'd like to keep it that way unless we're on good terms). A relationship that lasts for two months and fails isn't the be-all, end-all in my opinion. And loyal as I may be.. you make me cry, I ain't gonna seek your company.

I guess that was my rebuttal to being called a liar and the other wonderful things said.

But then again, aren't love and hate on the same side of the spectrum?

So hopefully two down, and hopefully I speak to them both again. The third is female, and although I'd like to apologize (publicly, probably never going to do it privately) for my portion of the rift between us, I surely do not ever expect that to become a friendship again.

..so said the disorganized one at 11:20 PM.
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Monday, September 3, 2001

The best way to cure yourself of an addiction is to quit taking the fucking drug.

Anyway, the less one talks about his or her mental wackiness, the less he or she experiences it. The more it is spoken of, the more it is validated.

The lobstery one and I spent yesterday doing the touristy shit of San Diego.. went to the water park and the zoo. We were too lazy by the time we went to the water park to go on any of the slides, and besides we all know what happens to your stomach when you drink too much Coke. The water park and the skyride at the zoo of course were familiar.. the kind of thing that makes you wish you went with a whole group of your friends (shush, I do too have friends, just none *here*) and laughed the day away.

But another philosophy I'm trying to adopt is that of the water signs, the 'sit back and enjoy life' deal. I hate being melodramatic, I often react before thinking and get pissed about trivial shit. True, this gets it all out before the big shit hits, but it makes me dislike dealing with myself as much as people can dislike dealing with me.

Smile. All is well. And all is for the best.

..so said the disorganized one at 10:38 AM.
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Sunday, September 2, 2001

One might assume that my lack of posting would indicate that I didn't have much to say. Oh, on the contrary, there's so much on my mind that I can't properly formulate words.

I think I'll begin with friendship. And how having people in my life, even for a short while, makes things that much better.

Years ago, I taught myself a new philosophy on love - which was to appreciate the presence of those I loved in my life, even if they could not be "mine" for one reason or another. And there are several people, male and female, that I will always love (yes, the females would be platonic.. get your mind out of the gutter), even though we've long since parted ways. Everyone I get close to is special and irreplaceable to me, and when they leave (even under bad terms) there is somewhat of a hole in my life. Of course the hole is filled by time and other things, but I suppose I have a list of three people (three I can think of offhand, anyway) that I wish I didn't lose contact with for various reasons.

So having someone return from the void (no pun intended) makes me feel very happy. It makes me grateful for the positive changes that my life has taken during the time of non-communication and it makes me happy to reminisce, of course. Sometimes things seem as if no time has passed at all, as if all of the inside jokes were as recent as yesterday. As if the ability to think and feel with someone has never disappeared.

I must keep with my stoic Capricorn writing style on this topic. Departing for one moment..

Concede and believe me,
I won't give up, I won't give out on you

(Sister Hazel)

..so said the disorganized one at 09:05 AM.
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