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7.10.2001
Russ Antonio 21:13 link
another one from laffaday.com
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
7.9.2001Russ Antonio 07:04 link
from tz @ laffaday.com
A woman is lying in the road after being run over. The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid. "Are you all right?" he asks.
"You're just a blur," she says, "So my sight is clearly affected."
Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight. "How many fingers have I got up?" he asks her.
"Oh shit!" she replies, "I must be paralyzed from the waist down as well."
1.10.2001Russ Antonio 21:23 link
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable." twistedhumor.com
Russ Antonio 21:20 link
I was at a party this weekend and a jokester, stifling a laugh said, "Listen to this: One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to-"
At this, my Jewish friend, Al Cohen said, "Moskowitz and Finkelstein; Moskowitz and Finkelstein; always two Jews. Why do they have to be Jewish? Can't you tell the joke with other nationalities involved? Why don't you make them Chinese for a change?"
The jokester, sobered and embarrassed, said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend. Here's the joke: One day, Hong-lee Yang and Mao-chen Foo were going to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Hong-lee Yang's nephew..." laffaday.com
Russ Antonio 21:16 link
i'm in a "jokeful" mode today so here's one more from mailbits.com
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment, where he soon discovered she was actually well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get intimate with her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors, and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry, by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma, and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world."
She continued, "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
Russ Antonio 21:10 link
TwistedHumor.com Joke of the Day
"The Penis Poem"
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
>From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!
Russ Antonio 21:08 link
another one from twistedhumor.com
"Office Humor" - Rated R
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin
and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
1.8.2001Russ Antonio 19:09 link
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people…
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, you stupid jerk!
- a quickwit from mailbits.com
Russ Antonio 19:06 link
from mailbits.com
A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and more painful.
His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided.
On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to
soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it - my maid said hot water."
Russ Antonio 15:48 link
so twisted...
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know
where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of
a bitch."
Girl: "But father he has gonorrhea!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Russ Antonio 12:20 link
An American is at a restaurant one morning having his coffee and a croissant with jam, when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Canadian: "Do you Americans eat the whole bread, eh?"
American): "Of course we do."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside, eh. The crusts are collected in a container, recycled into croissants, and sold to America, eh."
The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread, eh?"
American: "Of Course we do."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't, eh. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to America, eh."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do, eh", the Canadian says with a big smirk on his face.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, eh."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to Canada."
10.22.2000Russ Antonio 08:04 link
this sure is twisted...
After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"