remeber the star trek holodeck. even though i fear the world is ingenuine much like that, today i wish i was inside it and i could yell "FREEZE PROGRAM" and life would stop, and i could hang out, and think, and walk around...
from the mind of m d Wednesday, March 21, 2001
thanks to amanda for being there when i needed someone the most today. she also read my latest entry and said it reminded me of the following picture by mc esher. i found it fitting with the metaphors i had written about identity and peeling away. This is by: MC Esher.The Bond of Union
from the mind of m d Wednesday, March 21, 2001
yeah. i'm just feeling sorry for myself. it'll pass
from the mind of m d Tuesday, March 20, 2001
i wrote lots of letters today.
bound up in metaphor. tied up in similie. i am struck by the silence i paint on.
because some i didnt send.
i should send them....but they need the quick editing of a mind clear of noise. i sent a ps in stead.
p.s. i am still here. pssst: i am still here.fuck. i can not bridge the stupid silences... they are feasting on me... my skin puckers with anxiety, a quick switch from apples to oranges, from calm to rough exterior. peels of me loop around themselves, a hollow bitter exterior. my outer wall, letting them out, i feel sick pyschosomatic spasms of something... what? i dont know either. stop asking so many questions. why cant i leave myself alone. i'm tired of imagining people standing around me asking questions. my very own peanut gallery of souls intruding with their interrogations. utterances and newspaper articles circulated about my private mind about my body. me[full stop] not you [full stop]. Stop spreading the news. any real voice and i'd have occassion to faint, watch myself from the other side of the room, see the girl i know slide away from her own body and turn into a broken tile on the floor.
why do i have such difficulty and anger with what others feel is trivial... because this is me. my life. my body. and i have to lug it around... i have to live with myself. i have not felt the fleeting and fluttering emotion of anger in a long time so this is all new to me too. i do not know where to direct it, but out... at everything. at nothing. i'm tired of that too... feeling everything and nothing. the endless emptiness of ambiguity.
from the mind of m d Tuesday, March 20, 2001
i loved the book alias grace. read it.i feel spent. my emotions. my thought porcesses. my creative juices. squashed... like someone took them all, threw them in a juicer and tried to make juice out of me. all i have left is the dry, garbled looking outer skin... the fruit inside is depleted. almost. empty. a flower with all her petals plucked. someone save me from this. save me from me.
from the mind of m d Tuesday, March 20, 2001
Hello. its been awhile. i've been insanely busy and a bit frusterated with no computer access at home.
l got the job offer, and am now a bit anxious about working so many hours a week, have to negotiate with both bosses....more later !
from the mind of m d Tuesday, March 20, 2001
that's it. the webpage must be redesigned. watch for changes.
i have a horrible head ache and i was sick to my stomach this morning.
what is that about? as if i havent been sick enough this month... yet here i am at work... working away. working away... i just want to play all day... bang on my drum all day.
from the mind of m d Friday, March 16, 2001
my apologies to eric, as it turns out i misunderstood his blog entry... in the end, we were both in agreement that attempts at unifying beliefs have failed and often ended in violence. hitler is peprhaps the most glaring example. last night while lora and i were driving we stumbled by a house on a hill... at first i noticed a large german flag hanging in the bedroom window... then the front living room window had no curtains and there were two large floor to ceiling posters hanging on either side of a large fire place. I couldnt see what was on the posters, only that they were huge, black and white and of people or a person... it didnt look like hitler, it actually looked like john lennon, but i dont know... there was also a large canadian flag on another wall, very little furniture, and the capper, an enormous swastica flag of the nazi variety on a hallway wall... yes, we were driving slow and drove by twice, and honestly the place kind of creeped me out... i mean... these were all very large, very proudly displayed statements...last night i dreamt that i was dating the guitar player of A Perfect Circle. I was also travelling around with them on tour. It wasnt the normal guitar player, he was a bulky long haired blonde guy who resembled a lumber jack more than a guitar player. Anyway, that night we were playing (yes, i may have been in the band too) at the Orephum, which is where i saw them live IRL, and there were these two women who were in the band too. Not the ordinary bass player but someone else. Anyway, the singer and the drummer were arguing about whether or not they wanted to play, and one of the women got so fed up that she just walked on stage on her own and started singing with out the band. soon the other woman joined her and so began this wretched off key non harmony... but the audience loved it. later in the dream i remember walking down a long pathway in the woods. i was high. i must have been in the dream, because i was doing all this acrobatic nonesense... like at one point there was a large log crossing the path... it was bent over and about four feet off the ground, at least. Somehow i found my self on top of the log and decided to do a back flip off it it. I remember careening through the air in slow motion. The cool thing about dreaming is somehow you can see yourself doing it, and feel yourself actually doing it at the same time. So it was like i was a third person observer and the first person protagonist at the same time... AND it was slow motion. Fuck. I love dreams. Pardon my language. Anyway, so the dream continues and i'm back at the hotel with the band. We're all sitting around trying to decide where to sleep. I get the floor. That was my dream.
Lots to talk about today. Like that the BC gov't is trying to legislate pay equity... i cant believe employeers are bitching about it and saying such stupid things like "while we support the 'idea' of pay equity, we dont want to have to pay for it"... there's nothing, i can see absolutely nothing wrong with the idea that women (or all people for that matter, minorities are underpaid too) should be paid equal wage for equal value of work. Damn. Provinicial budget today too... i love how they called the early information the media got "leaks" from the government, when they know damn well that the gov't is slipping their favorite reporter tips, and the gov't gets something out of it, because they can then controll the initial reaction to the budget by feeding the media things they know we want to hear... like, surprise surprise, health care is a big issue. Anyway...
I listened to the most amazing man on the radio last night, a Canadian philosopher who is working with people with mental and physical disabilities... he is trying to make a difference in peoples lives and has started some sort of movement... LArch (sp?) it was a radio thing, so i can only guess on the spelling... But anyway, he has a knew book called "becoming human" i think... his big thing was recognizing that all people should be part of a community that lets them know that they are valued and that everyone should try their best to make this world a better place... for everyone... its hard to explain how his ideas are different... and maybe they're not... but he was so genuine and passionate and had so much love for everyone and individuality that i just wanted to curl up in his lap and ask him to tell me that everything is going to be okay... because if he told me that, i might just believe him...
I am reading a book called "Alias Grace". Its by Margret Atwood. I have decided that i would like to meet Margret Atwood. I've seen her interviewed a few times and she's got this suriety about her and insight... and she's Canadian. yay.
Anyway. I've rambled enough.
from the mind of m d Thursday, March 15, 2001
I was greatly saddened by the Taliban order in Afganistan and the destruction of the great statues of buddha... Actually, statue doesnt do it justice... COLOSSAL figure is perhaps more acurate. Despite the out cry of the international community to prevent it, the destruction of the statues was carried out.The Taliban had said the huge figures, carved into sandstone cliffs in Bamiyan city more than 1,500 years ago when Afghanistan was a seat of Buddhism, are "false idols" and must be destroyed in line with Islamic laws. Even pakistan, afganistan's closest ally did not entirely support the decision, but was unable to elicit a change in the order.The power of one. Not just sad, but scary.
eric's [3.13.2001] ponderance upon the nature of the world, the greys areas, the intolerance, the tolerance, and the motion of culture has me thinking. what would our world be like if we all believed the same thing at the same time. rather awful, i suspect. i dont think it's the answer. reminds me too much of aldous huxley and brave new world and the insatiable love for the capacities which undo us. turned against one another, churned out in tubes, sterilized. drugged. unreal. i am afraid for that. what -is- progress... the definition alludes me. the thing we should all believe in is eachother...
i got a call about a job interview for a second job today. i'm rather excited about it.
Meanwhile, i've been building walls around my own life. i've grown detached. i think all the time about everthing that's going on for me right now, and yet i have thought about nothing. i know its bad when that happens. it means that i'm blocking things out. but, with time, i will find the answers.
kristina gave me a plant on the weekend. i water it everyday. its growing on my window. its beautiful. two stalks. one leaf. brilliant green. alive and vibrant.
from the mind of m d Tuesday, March 13, 2001
hey... um... more from my brain tomorrow, perhaps it will be more inspired... its been a long day at work...
but i wanted to mention that i made chocolate fondue for dessert to go with the salmon. we dipped fruit in it. yum strawberries.
from the mind of m d Monday, March 12, 2001
i've been sick. under mental duress. off balance body.there have been boxes. lora finally started to unpack yesterday. we have a floor. we have... things in cupboards. we have... space. slowly life is fixing itself. compartmentalizing. not sure if i like it yet. though i like things to be tidy and put away.
if you're reading this. . . introduce yourself if we havent met already....
from the mind of m d Monday, March 12, 2001
another monday. where's my brain. i left it somewhere
from the mind of m d Monday, March 12, 2001
quick... what kind of dessert goes well with salmon?
from the mind of m d Friday, March 09, 2001
