25 April, 2001

Sometimes I wonder why I even have this webpage up. I neglect its presence daily, and whenever I do update it, I always end up feeling guilty because there are mountains of other things I could (and should) be doing.

I can't wait for summer. I just want it to be here already. I'm intrigued by all my classes, but I want to be exploring the world.

I went to New York this weekend and it was quite good for me. Every time I go to New York, I feel older. Not because of the city, but because every time I go, I feel more comfortable when I'm there -- it's like an assembly of experiences have made me become more mature or better equipped to walk among the masses.

And the trip was a dream in and of itself. Too many good things rolled into the course of two and a half days.

But now I'm back here. And though I know there are good things here, it's like I want to be somewhere else doing other things. But good things will come... I just need to have patience! (e)

30 March, 2001

There is a journal I keep when I travel. On my last birthday, about a week or so before my trip to Europe, a friend, who is lost to me now because of space and time, gave me this bought-at-Barnes-and-Noble, purple, cloth-bound journal with a small window cut out of the purple cardboard. The window has no real view -- it's just five suitcases that have no cohesion. My favorite part about the journal (besides its function) is this black elastic band that holds the book together.

The journal has gone through wars; the torrential terrain of emotions and travelling. The cover -- those purple cardboard sheets and that black cloth -- have torn themselves away from the pages, and now when I open the journal, I am facing the last page of the book with train schedules, and email addresses of people we met at Interlaken.

I only ever write in this book when I'm travelling. And usually it's only solely about what I've seen, how those sights make me feel. All that good stuff. But sometimes things from other parts of my life -- things I've left behind -- wriggle their way into the pages. The funny part about that is that I keep another journal. The daily thing. And if you figure out the times when I've not written in there, then you can probably figure out when I've written in my travel journal. And things weave themselves together, and there are so many threads and loose ends. Travelling usually provokes me to write more. And that carries over to when I get back home, too.

Anyway, going to New York was a fun thing this past weekend. And now being back in Cambridge has been good too. But just when the weather was starting to get sunny and beautiful, there is this ugly coat of gray. Uck.

But my journal is full. (e)

9 March, 2001

Yes, yes, I am quite the unmindful fool sometimes. I suppose, once again, life has just been catching up to me. I've been rolling in things to do, people to see, places to go. It's been a crazy semester already. And it's already the midway point. Currently, I'm taking English Romantic Poets, Expository Writing 20: Poetry in the Modern World, a freshman seminar on art history, and a painting class. I have been learning so much from all my classes; and even if Expos can be a bit of a drag sometimes, at least opportunities to read really good poetry (i.e. Auden, Hughes, Rich) present themselves constantly. English Romantic Poets rules, though. Today, my friend and I had lunch with the professor, and it was incredible to just talk with him. He has so much knowledge in him, and he was really receptive to the idea of two freshmen trying to have a conversation with him about English, general poetry, critical theory and weather. My art history seminar has reminded me how much I love the subject, and how interesting it is to just analyze a painting, or a sculpture -- or any work of art. And I love that I get to go to the museum every week! But the painting class I'm taking has been the most fun. It's stressful at times just because it's hard to figure out how to craft something creative out of nothing but a tube of paints, brushes and a canvas. But I'm becoming better able to handle the assignments, and more capable of actually making colors work together.

Anyway, enough academic stuff. I do have an active social life right now. It is all well and good.

Apparently, I'm actually admired somewhere! Emily is quite a darling. You ought to visit her site. The web is connected in the weirdest ways, sometimes. You never really know who's out there reading what you're writing, but it's so nice to get emails from people who care and who want to establish a link.

I remember thinking that was precisely why I wanted to start writing in some semblence of an online journal thing. I'm not so sure if I'm such an exhibitionist now. Inherently, I'm an open person -- I tell small, silly details to everyone, even if no one cares. But I must say that, somehow, my urge to speak, to write, to voice everything has been subdued. Maybe it's the lack of time, but I'm thinking it has more to do with the body and mass of my life right now. It has started to take a shape and form I'm so unused to. Trying things like painting, even meeting new people, joining new clubs can become time-consuming, and overwhelming. But I am so happy right now. I don't know how to describe it, but I just am. The small things I never knew would happen to me are happening. And they're making me feel good and well...

So it's snowing outside. The white is coming down in droves, creating moving diagonals that cross the path from my window to the windows of the library. The spindly, dead branches outside are covered with thick coats of white. And they keep getting heavier. Oh the life of seasons!!!!

Now I'm going to read. It's a quiet afternoon. My friend is sleeping on my couch. Oh these lazy Fridays! (e)

3 February, 2001

My parents have long been the source of much of my discontent. I know, I know, I'm not alone. There are many kids who haven't been so pleased with their parents, but for me, particularly, they have been a pervasive source of criticism and input throughout my history of life. For a period of time, there was much that I did to please them. And now that I'm in college, and after one whole term of going through the tug-of-war about my major, my parents have finally been won over. They accept and understand that I am different from them. My mom even told me to go pursue my dreams. They have finally embraced a level of empathy I never expected from them. In truth, I feel I expected too little. Their lives have been full of struggle, whereas mine has been handed to me on a silver platter. But they have finally come to the realization that I am living my own life, and that I have to make decisions for myself, to please myself. And they are proud of me. So so proud.

Life besides Academia has also brought some interesting things. I am still doing water polo. It's really quite fun, even though I thought it would kind of be a drag. I never expected that I'd enjoy being a field player. And I never thought that my life as a college student would involve a sport.

I cannot wait to finally figure all this concentration stuff out. All the stress I'm experiencing is rooted in the concentration muddle. Ah well... I suppose we'll see what's to come of it.

Finally, I would like to announce that I finished Bridge Jones's Diary which was quite good, quite true, quite the unintellectual book (except, perhaps, for the not-so-subtle Pride and Prejudice references). It was a fun read. Definitely something that was enjoyable for this point in my life! Now onto French homework, and hopefully some Jhumpa Lahiri too! (e)

30 January, 2001

I wish I were veteran enough to say that at the start of every semester, there looms a sense of rebirth on campus. I suppose it's not thoroughly possible that this is the case, but maybe?

We start shopping classes tomorrow, and tomorrow alone I'm going to try to go to five classes to get a sense of what they're about and, ultimatley, see if I want to take them. I keep thinking about what I want to "concentrate in" (in other colleges, this is more commonly known as "majoring in"), but I'm narrowing it down to English, Literature, Art History and Visual and Environmental Studies (our art department). And yes, I am back full circle from the beginning of the year. I think it's really interesting that the scope of what I actually want to do hasn't really changed. It's just that I've been exposed to different areas within each of these fields, except for V.E.S in which I've not taken any classes. But, I am all too sure that I'll have the opportunity to be even more confused about this concentration issue by the time we have to declare.

I've been just sort of hanging out around here. I finally finished Adam Gopnik's Paris to the Moon which, I might add, is an excellent collection of thoughts of an American in Paris. Some of his descriptions were just too pristine... I mean, so easily touching, and so vivid. I have started two other books (which I will not have time to finish by the semester's end, of that I'm pretty sure...): Bridget Jones's Diary, and Lahiri's Interpreter of the Maladies. One is so sinfully good, the other is critically acclaimed. And which one am I further into? Yes, Bridget.

Well, I'm off pretty soon to an interview with Paul Bamberg (who is supposed to be a mathematical genius) for his freshman seminar, "Calculating Pi." Interesting... I wonder if we get to watch the movie...?

22 January, 2001

I have realized that I've actually learned a lot more than I thought I would this semester. I've been able to explore astronomy through the lens of basic physics, I've looked at portraits and how they are actually rooted in philosophical ideas about the self, I've learned a new language to be basically proficient, and I've been able to pick up on some of the nuances of E. M. Forster. That's so crazy. I have never been so aware of how amazing the things I've learned in a semester actually are.

Tomorrow I'll finish my first semester of college, and I can't wait to finally be done. Admittedly, I've been slacking in terms of astronomy. Seeing as my computer was completely virus-ful, and I've had to try to restore the things that I've lost (aka, .mp3 files), I suppose I'll be all right. It sucks, though, to have lost some of those wacky pictures friends have sent, and all the strange pictures I've taken of myself. Ah, c'est la vie.

I am looking forward to so much. I cannot wait to visit friends at Columbia for the rest of the week. Leaving on Wednesday will be a good thing for me. I think I need to get out of this place. This need is not rooted in dislike, whatsoever, but in the fact that I just have some personal things to sort out. Having the room (our whole suite!) to myself for a couple days is nice too, but I guess I'll be happier once I've refreshed, cleaned off my slate, done all those renewing things.

I suppose the virus on my computer expunged a wonderful part of my life -- my first semester of college. But maybe it's not one of times in my life that I need visual evidence of. I have it in my heart, in my mind. I have some parts in my journal. I keep feeling like I really don't need to restructure anything; I've built a base, a foundation, that does not have to be physically proven. I'm here; that's proof enough. And damn, am I happy!

16 January, 2001; more

It has been a crazy day already. A job interview, another potential job interview... but the best part is that both are art-related. One is working at the museum friends' office, and the other is as an assistant in the slide basement/dungeon underneath the museum. I cannot believe how obsessive I've become about art. I didn't think it was possible.

Life here has been pretty mundane. Finals lead to dead-dom because everyone has hoarded food into the library, has decided to start barracading himself/herself from the rest of the world, and all the rest of us non-library clumpers are taking an exciting look back at the semester and reevaluating what we've taken. Looking back on a couple of my classes, it's been a satisfactory semester. Not the best in terms of classes, but hopefully one of the best establishing semesters ever. I have made many new friends, gained lots of new experiences, done radio stuff, worked more hands-on with art work, and have been able to talk with some of the most fascinating people on the planet.

I think that abandon.org has some of the best writing on the web. I used to like Marissa's site just because of her design, but it is the marriage of her design and content that drive this ever-popular place, and which has rocketed her name into recognition. I salute her!

Once again, it seems that I should be studying French. Really, I feel I should be. So, I leave now (for the library, to become a hoarder/barracader), and I'll let you know later how it all goes. (e)

16 January, 2001

So, I've made a webpage again. I'm not really sure what I'll put on it, or what its exact purpose is. Maybe I should do some sort of resume thing? I don't know. In any case, here it is. Please send input, etc. I'm really into feedback, and lots of people telling me what I can do to improve this thing.

I've wanted to write for a long time. I've been writing a lot of poetry recently, actually. Just kinda catching up on the poetic side that I've shut down for a while. Not because I haven't had the actual drive to do it, or the motivation (trust me, there's been too much motivation for writing), but the element of time has been lacking quite extraordinarily. I mean, I shouldn't even be doing this right now. Instead, I ought to be studying for my finals. Am I? Not really. So, I suppose that doing something that is artistically productive might have some sort of bearing on my personal edification.

Anyway, je pense que je dois etudier le francais. Donc, je dis, "A bientot!"*

* I do not know how to create accents... (e)

18 December, 2000

When I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was be famous. And then came the strain of exhibitionism. That's kind of why I started my webpage in 9th grade. It had a little Calvin and Hobbes (only Calvin, mind you) icon that welcomed and ushered visitors in. It was all about content, and I tried to get as many hits as I could, so instead of viewing the page once I'd make changes, I'd wait for my parents to visit it so that it could be a genuine hit.

And I decided recently that I was kind of going to abolish the web from my life, in terms of creation. I thought that I would become inducted into the literati, and that's still certainly possible (ahem, I think), but for now, I have remembered that I really have to create. Especially for the web.

So, here I am, struggling for ideas and epiphanies that might make my website look remotely interesting. Maybe I've come up with something, but in any case, here it is, and feel free to drop me a line! (e)