this is my personal blog with my thoughts from my personal life
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Monday, January 15, 2001
ok so i still haven't posted here in a while but oh well, i just felt like i needed to come here to get a little of this stuff out!:) anyway, so i was on the phone w/ someone for about an hour and they helped me to relize that maybe i do need to get my life on track, not w/ my friends or the way i think or anything like that but w/ God i've strayed from his path this year like they all said we would when we got to high school,life isn't the same anymore, i just don't know where i belong/stand w/ him. I've drifted from everything i knew to a new world that wasn't me, I found comfort in some people who I thought i could trust, but not as much as him, with Jake, with my life, with everything i know its going to be alright b/c he will make everything the way its supposed to I just have to beleive more and let him back into my life rather than pushing him out. the major problem is my doubt, I dont know where I belong, I don't know where I'm goung to go, im scared, im scared of not being able to let him in as much as I want to, I want to make my life more. I want to be able to show it in the way I show myself if that makes any since. I guess I just want to know where im going and i dont know that right now so i need alittle time to myself to find out. I've just got to search with in me to find it.I've got to make time.anyway i need to go b/c I still need to start on all of this :) ciao
posted by im not content to crawl... at 12:26 PM
Sunday, December 24, 2000
*it wont be the last, it wont be the last day i live,it wont be the last guy,it wont be anything i dont want it to be* ok so i haven't posted here in forever and a day! my life for now is pretty much or track as much as it can get! i was taken of my anti- depressents ive been off of them for about a month or 2 so thats good! i have a boyfriend if you want to call him that :) distance at the moment is one of our biggest problems...life is pretty good! i guess you could say! i went to homecoming w/ zach which was a blast, ive partied alot this month w/ friends im just pretty much back to normal! i think ive just grown up a little and i think thats good! im still the plain old me but ive learned alot through just learning that crying is ok that i can talk to anyone and they do care! but anyway since it is CHRISTMAS EVE im going to go b/c i need to get ready for church! love all of you [whoever reads this....which is no one]
posted by im not content to crawl... at 4:51 PM
Wednesday, October 04, 2000
*you found hope,you found faith,found how fast she could take it away,found true love,lost you heart,now you dont know who you are*i really like that song it really describes how i feel about some stuff even though i dont like girls and thatz what she is singing about...ya know? well anyways,carrie just called and i dunno im feeling like besides my parents and tess i can really trust her with whatever is going on with me....so my parents just said that this weekend were gonna either decided to go to the doctor or not b/c ive changed my mind alot about it and so we are going to decide and either go or not b/c they wanna prevent me and help me help myself and stuff,so i dunno we will just see..well i better be going [off to bed] hehe neways lata homies!
posted by im not content to crawl... at 8:54 PM
i guess ive just kinda abanded this blog i havent written in a while.....yea but itz not like anyone reads this anyway so why do i write it all??i guess just to vent...well my day was alot better 2day.....it still got to me but my friends or atleast tess,carrie,cate,jessica,jay,and my parents are helping me through it slowly day by day i get alittle better and im sure ill still have my awful days but i can say atleast that ive learned something from this experience....hmmm....o well i guess ill always have something to look back on that i can tell my kids never to do because i was a vitctim of both "desiases" in 8th and 9th grade....it just gives me the chills i dunno itz really weird now that i think about why i did it (cut and starved my self) i think it was that i wanted and experience i wanted to see what it was like uncounchlessly..i know that makes no scence but in my world/head it does....neways this is boring and ive gotta be going homework *hehe*
posted by im not content to crawl... at 4:49 PM
Monday, October 02, 2000
well....the past 24 hours have been yet a new and very different terrifying experenice for me.....as ive said before last night i cut to little cuts on my wrist and today i woke up and went to school feeling just as depressed as the night before i talked to a few will remain nameless friends and saw the look on a few concerned faces...once i talked to the last person who help me make my decision i came home wrote a long letter placed it on my mothers bed for her to find and read....well she read it,talked over a few things with me,when my dad got home she told him too....then we had a "family descion about my sistuation" well we came to the conculsion that i dont need to dwell on the past or my bad days or bad moments and move on and if i contuniued to continue with what ive been doing that i was defenity going to the doctor.....so we will see i dunno im not happly content but i can say i have a big weight lifted off my shoulders......well i better be going........
posted by im not content to crawl... at 8:36 PM
Sunday, October 01, 2000
*hmpf* after my spaz attack and a few minor cutz im ok now and everything is ok between us i dont think we will ever be the same but atleast were not fighting....no one knows how much that whole thing tour me up inside....... i dont think ill ever be the same either i mean how many times in your life can you say you almost decided to drown yourself in a bathtub b/c of a guy....well i can say i thought about it once....he said if i tried it again that he was getting my help somehow.....i dunno....but neways i dunno i dont think our relationship as friends or whatever you would have called it will ever be the same......i agree that we may be closer on the friendship level but i dont think on the whole more than friends level we are gonna be much anymore....but hey i dunno that no one does.....but i dunno ive gotta get some sleep....nighty nite children *hehe*
posted by im not content to crawl... at 9:41 PM
have you ever liked someone so much and then find out they dont like you anymore?ugh i just wanna crawl in a hole and die!!why are your teenage years so hard?i cant help but just sit here and cry like a little kid....i know it sounds so stupid but when you like someone so much and then find out somethings happened to that it hurts..like when i liked josh and i found out he was moving i remember ashley for some reason came over that afternoon and i just cried the whole time until she left and then i cryed the whole night well this is sorta like that..i mean yea he doesnt like me anymore and we never really "went out" but we both had feelings for each other and i was just really starting to really trust and really really really like him but i guess not anymore this always happens to me!!y the fuck me?im so lost!!!i just need a little guidence and i dont have that!!!whatever i cant really see the screen anymore through my tears so i better go...
posted by im not content to crawl... at 6:23 PM
Saturday, September 30, 2000
UGH!! i mean ok look at this ok me and *this person* were supposed to go and do something 2day well she tells me she is going somewhere and will call me when she gets home!she never calls!!ok so then i just find out she went to the game!ugh ok you could atleast tell me the truth ok well maybe her plans changed but still ok i dont think thatz very fair to ME but ok yea i am being self-centered ok yea i admit it but ok itz like i dont feel like i really *fit in* w/ anyone in auburn there all so stuck up and stuck in there little groups no one really *spreads out* like i dont really have a group of *close* friends here wait i dont have any close friends here yea i mean i tell tess and carrie stuff but im not *best friends* with either of them i like just make my own group i dont really have one main group of friends and i like it that way i just wish everyone was that way!!ugh o well im sick of ranting off my soap box.....i just wish i could cry for ever!
posted by im not content to crawl... at 9:52 PM
Ü im so happy just to be alone for the day...my parents went to the game with abunch of ppl and i got to stay home b/c there was no way i was going to stay out in the hott alabama weather for 5 hours without shade!yea i know you think im crazy...i luv outside and lieing out and stuff but not with another 5000 ppl for 5 hours....so i dunno i just think im gonna relax i think itz what i need right now!neways i dunno last night matt was like following me and carrie around i havent even asked him yet so i dunno itz kinda confusing and then he had and x-tra seat b/c we had all of drake and samford there too so we were all packed in and he was like yea i need a rookie to come sit with me and i had one next to me so i was like you can go sit up there if you want and she was like *ohh no im fine* ugh she was annoying neways so then i was like well scence no one will sit with you matt and me and carrie come sit up there with you so we can have x-tra room and he was like no *one rookies* but then he was like tammy tammy here come sit with me UGH he pisses me off sometimes i mean yea i know we have been friends scence like 4th or 5th grade but ugh i mean come on itz and xtra seat atleast give it to someone who needs it!neways enough about that! sorry im just kinda pissy 2day!i think im gonna go take a bubble bath!!*hehe* im just feeling like a girlie gurl 2day!haha!lata homies!
posted by im not content to crawl... at 12:47 PM
Friday, September 29, 2000
hehe!well today was just a little to peppy for me to handle....first we were all so hyper at lunch and like all my friends like brett along with me [he is SO fine] well neways he was sitting across the cafeteria and shekia decides she needs some ketchup so she gets up and proceeds to go to the middle of the cafeteria and stand there for atleast 5 minutes and stare and him then bailey gets up and does the same thing while me and tess sit there and die laughing and brennen was just shaking his head the whole time....neways as brett was leaving sheika screams *brett* the deaf boy didnt hear her *BRETT!!!* so he turns around and looks at us and just slowly walks out while me and tess are sitting there with our heads covered up laughing so hard were about to pee neways shekia goes come here and he kinda turns around and walks out *ugh!how cocky!* lol i dont care i would rather him not come over than come over b/c if he did that would have been really really bad!!!newayz ig2g carrie just called lata!
posted by im not content to crawl... at 5:22 PM
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