What a Blah Day I don't feel to well. Its not like a sickness, more like a tired, I don't want to do shit - ness. I'm tired of people. I'm cranky. I'm probably about to start my period or something... I don't know. But I'm still tired... I have to read tonight and write an outline of what I read. I suppose that's not so bad. I hear the Poetry professor is a bit of an asshole and now I really dont' want to take that class. The vending machine downstairs is broken when I desperately needed some caffeine to get through film class today. Its not like I don't pay attention or anything, I just get tired sitting there for 2 1/2 hours. I should get back my (unaided) philosophy paper tomorrow. I'm kind of scared to see what I got... I might order from Pizza Central tonight. Get a burger or something. Lym hasn't written me back. I mean I know its only been a day but somehow I just think that maybe I misunderstood his intentions. I mean really, why me?
posted by < Merx > 10/2/2000 6:29:39 PM
A Night in Shining Armour The ASA cabaret was tonight. It was awesome, despite my feeling like a complete alien. All those references to the "blue eyed, blonde haired, big busted" Barbie doll types made me want to hide underneath my chair. And I'm not even white! At least not as much as can be helped... But there was much universiality in their songs, poems, excerpts of writing that it just affirmed my need for creative release even more. Undoubtedly the most wonderful part of my night is when Lym, my crush du jour, out-of-the-blue stopped to talk to me as I was leaving the Chapel. Though few words were exchanged, I'd like to think that he gave me the clarity needed to fully indulge myself in "liking" him. My invitation to come "visit our office more often" could be considered quite ambiguous (for which I kick myself now because I think I could have been more assertive in hindsight) his "interception" before I left definitely makes things concrete to me. I think. Anyway, I'm going to do my best not to over-analyze the encounter lest I drive myself mad and pick it apart till there are only shambles of a great moment left. God, I hope I didn't misconstrue - please, tell me I didn't misconstrue.
I plan on starting to dive into Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar" any moment now. It doesn't have to be read until Tuesday, but the sooner the better because I have a tremendous amount of work to complete for other classes. I hope tonight doesn't ruin my ability to concentrate.... ( he really is just awesomely everything....) See! There, I did it! I broke concentration... damn I'm screwed for the rest of the weekend. I hope he comes to see me at the office. I hope he sees things my way. I hope I'm seeing things properly. I suppose I should just be grateful to have any sight at all. Sigh to it all.....
My roommate invited her friends to stay the night here. So far they've been no trouble - they actually seem pretty nice. I haven't seen Nick since breakfast. Time apart (for anyone in any type of relationship) should be cherished. Sometimes you can get sick of just thinking of being seen with that person (god, are they joined at the hip? that's not hip... what the hell is...) I remember watching Empire Records where Robin Tunney had her own funeral with all her friends in the back of the record store. It was sort of their way of showing her that she was loved as they all said their piece about how they were going to miss her. I wonder what people will say about me when I'm gone. I wonder if I make enough of an effort to not care sometimes. Its true that I care too much sometimes. Sometimes, sometimes is all the time. Ha! My life is like a poem with a hole in it - first, you wonder what the hell happened to the paper, and then whether or not there is an important part missing. So you just read around the hole hoping to get a general idea of what's going on. Too bad that hole contains everything. (I always get the messed up paper.)
posted by < Merx > 9/30/2000 10:37:59 PM
funny how money changes situations. and how miscommunication leads to complications. i received a check in the mail today from my Uncle. i feel loved. i love my family. distance is always a good thing. in film class today we watched excerpts from "Casablanca" and "Mildred Pierce". i never enjoyed black & white films really, but for some reason i feel more cultured having studied them in "film analysis". joan crawford is one bad-ass mofo (ooh! shut yo' mouth!). she's the reason I laugh everytime i see wire hangers (poor christina...)
i gave nick back the hundred bucks he lent me at the mall of america. i don't think he'll ever lend me money again, but it was nice of him then. it is so cold in my dorm room. analisa (my RA) said they were going to turn on the heat this week, but how does that do me any good when i'm freezing my ass off right now? sometimes i just don't think people think these things through... i should probably be reading for philosophy right now. i don't wanna, but of course i will. too many people to disappoint back in CT if i flunk out my freshman year.
why am i such a tough girl all the time?
why does it take me so much longer to get comfortable with people than anyone else?
why don't I trust anyone but myself?
why do I ask so many questions? life is weird. no, no. i'm weird.
posted by < Merx > 9/25/2000 7:42:08 PM