Today was supposed to be my first official day at UCSB......until the (ultra-cliche) unthinkable happened.
I boarded the train to Goleta at 10 a.m. fully prepared to start a day of Legal Theory and to fix my financial aid blunders. The train sped up the coast as usual, but it halted at Carpenteria, about 10 miles from Santa Barbara. Apparently, a woman sped off of the highway and landed on the front car. She died instantly and the train stalled for half an hour while the police cleared the tracks. Two miles later, as I was walking back upstairs to my seat, the conductor screamed into the walkie talkie of one of the crew members, "Holy shit, this just ain't my day. A guy just killed himself under my train!" I froze. In a state of partial delusion and convulsion, I scrambled up the stairs and flung myself into my seat. The power ceased. The power also ceased in my brain. We were stuck between the coastal mountans and the Pacific for nearly three hours. In those three hours, I amused myself by reading and sorting different M&Ms. I was obviously having a total panic attack. My hands started their horrid ritual of becoming numb finger to finger and my breathing was so shallow and rapid, I couldn't control it. I tried to focus on other things, like the fact that I missed my class. But I just kept thinking of what must go through someone's mind before they jump in front of a train. Isn't the notion unfathomable? Anyway, the train finally made it into Santa Barbara station where I sat in the heat for two hours until my mom's best friend picked me up. While waiting miserably, I befriended Kenneth, a homeless veteran. He was the penultimate "bum waxes philosophical" type. It was rad. First, he donned a sharknose mask and drank short dogs of T-bird while growling at kids. He has four kids and seven grandkids. Anyway, he told me three very important things. First, he said that he carries around lots of trinkets because he's an old gypsy and the best of trinkets he keeps within his heart. Second, "learn to discern." Third, "You can be an eagle, that's okay. Fly like an eagle. You can be a cat. Be cool like a cat. Just don't ever be a dog." I especially like the idea of learning to discern. I mean, why am I really complaining? I was dropped from a class which I now have to take at the extension. Big deal. In the grand scheme of things, my class means very little. I'm not going to plunge in front of a train because I don't get to live on campus. I have to learn to discern what is really meaningful from what is trivial. From now on, life is going to mean more to me. Education can only get one so far. The love of my family, friends, and self can take me wherever I want to go. For this, I am thankful.
posted by esther egelko 9/25/2000 9:37:31 PM

Sunday, September 24, 2000

Alright, I'm back in the game! It's been so long since I last did anything important web-wise, I've decided to come back full swing and start blogging away again. So, let's talk. First, am I psychic or what? When Marion Jones' husband, CJ, dropped out of the Olympics stating that he had a knee injury, I knew it was total bullshit. I mean, the guy is a shotputter and he's really huge. Steroids, anyone? Also, knees play an important role in that sport, but a shoulder, neck, or collarbone injury would really be the only way to get the World Champion out of the Olympics. Check it out.
posted by esther egelko 9/24/2000 1:36:00 PM

Tuesday, September 19, 2000

I'm finally getting this mother up after a month or so of sitting on my ass.
posted by esther egelko 9/19/2000 11:33:52 PM

Sunday, September 10, 2000

youre killing me, larry
posted by esther egelko 9/10/2000 12:52:20 AM

talkin to barryjive77, trying to fix this motha
posted by esther egelko 9/10/2000 12:49:38 AM

Thursday, September 7, 2000

i keep messing everything up
posted by esther egelko 9/7/2000 9:21:41 AM

holy shit! i think this works!
posted by esther egelko 9/7/2000 9:18:13 AM

ever
posted by esther egelko 9/7/2000 9:16:28 AM

this will never work, will it?
posted by esther egelko 9/7/2000 9:12:19 AM

Wednesday, September 6, 2000

why can't i be a web goddess?
posted by esther egelko 9/6/2000 11:50:21 PM

please...work
posted by esther egelko 9/6/2000 11:47:11 PM

does this motha work?
posted by esther egelko 9/6/2000 11:42:40 PM

Thursday, August 17, 2000

The new Placebo song, "Taste in Men", is about as dope as it gets. It sounds like the instrumental was lifted off of DM's Ultra, but the lyrics and vocals are so fresh and luscious. Also, I'm beginning to dig Brian Molko's new look, although the goatee (see this month's Select for further proof) disturbed me at first. Tomorrow afternoon, Ro and I will be in Frisco for three days of being touristas a.k.a. oodly oodly oodly fun fun fun...sorry, Ro. I know that is downright evil, but I had to do it. Oh yeah, I almost lost a few fingers or my hand today.
posted by esther egelko 8/17/2000 11:15:10 PM

Tonight's major event at my theater-A woman couldn't find her keys. Instead of patiently looking through her many attractive handbags and articles of clothing, she decided to dump the contents of her Kenneth Cole knock-off onto my counter and snarled at me until she finally found them. She looked at me with the gaze of a thousand John Wayne Gacys and exclaimed, "I just needed to have a temper tantrum today." Lady, in my perfect world, I would have a temper tantrum and knock you on your lazy, selfish ass.
posted by esther egelko 8/17/2000 1:21:15 AM

a new haiku for you:

George Bush's Idea of Education Reform...or GBIER

I support kids, but
If they don't have a hall pass,
execute, I say.
posted by esther egelko 8/17/2000 12:39:50 AM

Wednesday, August 16, 2000

At the moment, I'm wearing flare pants, a dirty t-shirt and my good old high school punk rock jacket. Why? Today's laundry day. After hauling all of my patchouli and smoke-reeking shit down to the complex laundromat, I waited for an hour for a dryer. It gave me the opportunity to watch the building's nutjob toss one pair of socks into each dryer while singing along to whatever Judd blasted out of her little radio headphones. Normally, I would appreciate this sort of eccentricity, but when you're reading an issue of People from 1985 in a filthy laundromat wearing the same underwear you did on Monday, there is no room for compassion. I have to reload my solitary dryer now. I shall return.
posted by esther egelko 8/16/2000 11:42:01 AM

At the moment, I'm wearing flare pants, a dirty t-shirt and my good old high school punk rock jacket. Why? Today's laundry day. After hauling all of my patchouli and smoke-reeking shit down to the complex laundromat, I waited for an hour for a dryer. It gave me the opportunity to watch the building's nutjob toss one pair of socks into each dryer while singing along to whatever Judd blasted out of her little radio headphones. Normally, I would appreciate this sort of eccentricity, but when you're reading an issue of People from 1985 in a filthy laundromat wearing the same underwear you did on Monday, there is no room for compassion. I have to reload my solitary dryer now. I shall return.
posted by esther egelko 8/16/2000 11:32:14 AM

Tuesday, August 15, 2000

The new layout is up and I'm not sure if I like it yet. Please let me know if you see any problems with it...in a nice way, of course. I don't want to get an e-mail that says, "Your site sucks...go to hell..blah blah" just tell me if a link is down or something like that. Work was so dull tonight, in fact, I had the opportunity to finish Clandestine by James Ellroy. For Ellroy, the ending was a little too cheerful, but I enjoyed it to no end. Later I'll start the copy of Fight Club that Ro let me borrow. She said that it takes about an hour to read and I believe that. Also, I'm thinking of hitting up one of my uncles for a few bucks because I am literally beyond broke. If I don't ask, I'll have four dollars until Friday. Oh yeah, speaking of family, my mom woke me up yesterday to tell me to stop smoking. When I explained to her that I am addicted and it would take a lot of time for me to quit, she replied, "Just stop." It's not easy, mom. Whenever I don't smoke I get a horrible headache which travels down my spine. I crave and crave until I scrounge up enough money to buy a pack of Basic lights or some other cheap crap. I've had to comb through my ashtrays in search of butts suitable for smoking. That's an addiction. I am not proud of it nor do I think smoking looks cool. But I'm an adult, this addiction is my right no matter how socially unacceptable it's becoming.
posted by esther egelko 8/15/2000 11:50:37 PM

Three days until Frisco.
posted by esther egelko 8/15/2000 12:54:09 AM

Monday, August 14, 2000

Is it time to take this site down? I'm not sure what to do. I know plenty of people like it and trust me, I'm thrilled. However, this site doesn't really represent anything besides a schlocky web persona that has nothing to do with whom I may or may not be. Jesus, that was an awkward sentence. My best pal, Ro, has a brilliant site. And when I read it, I know for damn sure that the witty girl is represented quite well by her site. I, on the other hand, lack that sort of sheer eloquence. When I write, I think, "Gee, I hope someone reads this and thinks that I'm cool." That's no way to live your life, kids.
posted by esther egelko 8/14/2000 1:46:46 AM

Saturday, August 12, 2000

Being sick at work is horrible. At least Ro and my mom were there to cheer me up. I like my hostees, but I don't really appreciate it when they leave me service messages in my guestbook. It makes me look like an asshole. I lost everything in my email inbox about a month ago, so if I haven't gotten back to you lately, try again. I think I'm a pretty nice host. I offer relatively unlimited space without censorship and that's pretty much the best I can do. Sorry folks, I'm only human. Also, why the fuck don't people sign my guestbook simply offering praise or something? I wanna be adored....I am the Stone Roses, baby.
posted by esther egelko 8/12/2000 8:59:52 PM

Tuesday, August 8, 2000

had a great birthday. the girls are home. i'm goin to frisco with ro. life is rockin'.
posted by esther egelko 8/8/2000 11:23:14 PM

Sunday, August 6, 2000

"esthersucks: wouldnt it be cool if everyone you knew had some sort of advanced martial arts training? you could get them to fight to the death."-I'm a moron.
posted by esther egelko 8/6/2000 1:24:04 PM

Saturday, August 5, 2000

I went to work today fully anticipating a day with ditsy girl, but instead, I was stuck with two teenagers who wanted to do nothing but talk. With a staff of one, I usually have to get my ass in gear and run both concession stand and projection, but with Laurel and Hardy downstairs, I didn't do much except watch The Croupier and But I'm a Cheerleader, both of which, by the way, are pretty damn good. Actually, the Croupier is flat-out fantastic. I love Clive Owen. I want to have like ten thousand of his babies. Anyway, I tried to stay upstairs as much as possible, but refreshments lured me downstairs. I felt like the girls were doing their best to a)impress me (which is nearly fucking impossible) with anecdotes of smoking and drinking and wacky gags* (see attatched note) or b)make me feel really really old. But wait! I'm not really old, damn it. One of the girls tried to do the "I'm only 16, but I'm going to 'bash the scene'" thing by telling me that she has a Blink 182 t-shirt with their old drummer on it. Come on, here. Then, she proceeded to ask me if I knew who Korn was. I was very tempted to say, "the most ass-kicking Iron Chef judge in the world, missy" but I didn't. Who is Korn? Have I been living under a fucking rock? Korn? Who are they? I'm sorry, but if they never collaborated with Donny and Marie, I just can't help you there. The most impressive banter was this:
Employee: "That cheerleader movie is about lesbians, eww."
Me: "Huh?"
Employee: "Don't you think that that's gross? Cheerleaders are like lesbians in that movie."
Me:"I think the movie's trying to express the idea that people from all walks of life can be gay."
Employee:"Yeah, but cheerleaders, hahahaha....(insert chortling here)"
Me:"Why couldn't cheerleaders be gay? They spend so much of their time lifting their friends above their heads and stuff."
Employee:"Are you gay or something? Is that why you're getting so pissed off?"
Me: "No, I'm just trying to make you really uncomfortable. Now go clean up theater three.

Thank you. The part of Esther was played by Bob Denver.
*Note from above: don't ever try to impress me with drinking or smoking stories. I can top all of them. Thank you and goodnight.
posted by esther egelko 8/5/2000 11:36:15 PM

Man, I hate "The Real World." Are the producers over at MTV so socially and culturally retarded that they have to cast the dregs of the earth for each and every season? Can you name an honest, intelligent cast member from any of the seven casts? I certainly can't. If this represents society at large, I'm moving to a shack in Montana.
posted by esther egelko 8/5/2000 12:25:15 AM

Friday, August 4, 2000

does anyone know where I could find the font that looks like the one used on the Beastie Boys' Hello Nasty lp???
posted by esther egelko 8/4/2000 11:33:20 PM

I don't want to move. I don't want to go to UCSB. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to sit here, drink this Rolling Rock, and read kity.nu. Her site is so amazing. What did I do today? E-rock picked me up in the deathmobile, a crystal blue Ford Escort station wagon. It rocks. We first pilaged Toys 'R Us where E-rock procured a copy of the Powerpuff Girls soundtrack and a Gundam model which may or may not be missing a few pieces. We then cruised downtown with PPG in full blast and I swore I saw Jack Nicholson speed past us in a black BMW. The second we stepped out of the car, two broken-down raver types tried to sell us E. It's understood that they accost everyone who's young and seemingly hip, but we are just dorks on a mission to rock. We don't need that shit. No, I'm not straight-edge, but come on, who needs E in broad daylight on the street? NAZIs, that's who. Anyway, we found a store that sells used indie cd's for two and three dollars a pop. I was in heaven. I bought six: three Boredoms albums (Japanese Metal!!!!!), Are you Normal by Ned's Atomic Dustbin, Rufus Wainwright's self-titled, and Superdrag's Regretfully Yours. Remember Superdrag?? The "Who Sucked Out The Feeeeeeeeeeeling" guys? The rest of the cd is pretty average, but that song always rocked me like a Foreigner album. It was worth the dollar-ninety nine. Hey, do you remember how that song got so much airplay on MTV?? I can't imagine being able to turn on MTV nowadays and enjoy any of the songs or shows. Sigh...oh yeah, we ran into Natascha and her friends and ended up getting some good cheap Mexican food and going to her apartment. In other news, my mom got her old job at Ventura College back and I couldn't be happier. She hates Oxnard and I can't blame her. Besides, this job pays almost twice as much. I'm a materialistic bitch, aren't I?
posted by esther egelko 8/4/2000 8:29:41 PM