I am so tired of the way things are.

I’m tired of being tired; of never getting enough sleep, of having to force myself out of bed each morning when I know I didn’t get enough sleep, of coming home in the evening so worn out that it’s all I can do to change into some sweats, feed my pets, and feed myself before crashing in front of the television and giving in to the sweet release of brain candy. Every. Night.

I’m tired of my job; of performing the same mindless function, day after day, after day, after day, knowing all the while that there is no significance in what I do. So little significance, in fact, that there is talk of eliminating my position. I’m tired of the politics, and of the uncertainty, and of the forced social interaction with people with whom I have nothing in common beyond the fact that our paychecks bear the same logo and signature. I’m tired of positioning my life around a paycheck. I’m tired of putting my life on hold in order to make a living. And not a very good living, at that.

I’m tired of not being challenged. Not intellectually, not spiritually, not professionally—I honestly don’t mind not being challenged physically, but even that would do me a world of good. Nothing is pushing my boundaries. I’m not even trying anymore, in any of those areas. I’ve stagnated in a pool of complacency.

No more.

There are going to be some changes. Changes in occupation, in lifestyle, and in attitude. They’ve already begun. I’m back in school, and back in church, but that’s just the beginning. I’m going to stop focusing all of my time and energy on making a living, and start making a life. I don’t yet know how, exactly, but I will.

Changes in my lifestyle will probably also mean changes for this site. Not just Internal Monologue, but all of it. Right now it’s built around the fact that I’m stuck in front of a computer all day with nothing more meaningful to do than amuse myself and my friends with commentary on the minutiae of my life. My site used to challenge me. Not just the design, but coming up with new content, as well. Granted, it was never as good as it is now (which probably isn’t saying much), but it was something I was required to work at, and that was a good thing. I miss that.

So watch for changes in the coming year. Changes in the site, and hopefully, changes in me. It’s time to rethink my approach to life.

2001 is going to be a year of reinvention in the House of Jean.

© 2001 by Jean Cousins | ...

return to ritalin junkie