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Aiiee. Up for no reason.
4:40am and I'm yawny and want to be asleep.
I think there was a spider or some other critter in my blankets nibbling on me, my right foot it scritchy and red. Tea tree lotion stuff, shook out my sheets. Now cranky and awake.
Right as I was falling asleep, in the good old days back in 10'o'clock - I had this perfect blog entry that I almost got out of bed to post. Then I thought 'Wow Jen, that is truly lame that you would get out of bed because you thought of something you wanted to post to a public website. Freak. Go to bed.' so I did but now that I'm awake I'll type it in remembered, reconstituted (like Buger King frenchfries) form:
Right now my heart feels like it's pulsing and just so damned full. I feel like an end of season Maple tree - I need someone to cut out a bit of my bark and let some of this just pour out. I'd rather into a bucket, for tasty maple syrup, but if need be I'll just pour some of this stuff into the ground and release the pressure.
Hrm. That sounds vaguely sexual. I didn't mean it that way. It sounded so much more substantial in my head. Ah well.
On the topic of maple syrup - when I was about 10 years old I got in trouble for setting out all our pots and pans and most of our plates in the snow one evening. This is when we lived in Arizona and there was about 2 feet of snow at the time. I'd been read and reading Little House on the Prarie books my whole life and had always wanted to make the maple candy they talk about in the books. (Set out fresh hot maple syrup on cold plates, put in snow for a few minutes to let harden, eat, yum!)
Unfortunately, I'd never seen real maple syrup in my life, so I used what I thought was the equivalent - Aunt Jemima's (I believe it was even the Light variety). Also I left the cookery out all night and most of the day as I forgot about it. Ohh boy was I in trouble for that one.
So here is the last 6 months of my life - http://www.flutter.com
or at least a big chunk of the last 6 months. It doesn't look too flashy on the outside but it's um, big and complex.
Go team.
"The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problems." - Mahatma Gandhi
I'm really afraid that this is going to be a very big, drawn out, sneaky and black and white war. Black and white as in not full of grey areas. I think it's going to be a big 'we are GOOD and you are EVIL' war - with both sides thinking they are the good side. I think that the most uninvolved, powerless and hungry people will be the ones who are punished.
At first I was annoyed when people began arguing about how and when we should 'retaliate'. I thought it was overstepping the time for mourning. Now my thoughts are beginning to spread past the last week and the next week. I'm beginning to think about what this will mean for everyone's future. Each day is sadder than the day before, not less so.
In the words of the immortal Toad:
"The world is FULL OF BUTTONS, but not one of them is mine!"
(my former college roomate Allison Laclergue will understand this, but I do not think she reads this site. We used to read Frog and Toad books in our dorm room, studying for stuff like her midterm in Music Appreciation)
NEW (more thought out) plan:
Grin and Bear It until April 8th.
Apply to PSU, SOU (hi little sister!) and anywhere else in Oregon that's not Eugene.
By then my parents will have moved or will soon be moving to Southern Oregon.
Hopefully J-me will stay put in Portland.
Unless there's a big surge of available jobs in SF and rents go down in which case I may move there and kidnap J-me back to that good place.
Unless there is a big bad war raging, in which case I will selectly grab all of my friends and head to my parents cabin in the middle of nowhere and built a fort and eat berries.
Today is a lazy all-day-in-pajamas type day.
I watched 'Memento' (broke down and bought a VCR yesterday, temptation to watch the news was too great)
and lazed around. Cleaned some small bits and ate some really good cookies.
Today is a worky day, so I'm winding my way through wireframes as I listen to new Bjork which is really really soothing and good. French doors have been open all day so my dreary little flat feels a bit fresh and lively now.
My lease is up November 8th. Pondering a move to a place that won't be so incredibly cold and dark during the winter. Also have a nagging idea in my head that I want to go home. I know I'd like to stay at least a year (until April 2002), but part of me keeps feeling that if I could just be around my family and near friends that it wouldn't matter if I had a job or what I felt like doing. I could always live at my parents cabin, use savings to buy food and maybe take dippy art classes and spend days walking on the beach. That would be comforting, but not challenging. Whereas England is challenging but not comforting. Someplace in the middle would probably be best. I haven't watched the news since Friday on purpose, so I have no idea what's going on 'retaliation' wise. But if we have a real drawn out war as opposed to a shorter less involved 'military action' then I defininitely will be moving home. Ahh funny when I type that, I realize I (as usual) have no idea where 'home' is. Maybe I'll go find a new one.
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