9.17.2001 | 4:28:06 PM

i don't know what it is. maybe it's because i know he is interested in me. but now, i'm starting to be aware of him more. i don't know what i'm feeling or thinking. all i know is that i don't want to be feeling anything at all.
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4:25:00 PM

wow, how awful for lill. but i'm glad you're a-ok. [hug]
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9.16.2001 | 3:27:16 PM

nice redesign kerowyn!

on an unrelated note, youch! my right breast is feeling some quick shooting pains.
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3:20:47 PM

it feels good to have the apartment to myself rather than have six or more ppl roaming around eating the food. [my can of pringles mysteriously disappeared] it's good to have some alone time which is what i've been used to for months. i can now breathe.. i should be studying instead of surfing. i should..

at the farm [i mentioned it in a previous post last week], the prof did something that he needed doing but still, it felt weird. he grabbed a female goat and taught us that the only real way to determine what sex it is, is not by seeing what isn't there [the testicles/penis] but by the presence of the female sex organ. so he grabbed one, lifted up its front hooves and showed us the nipples. since there are no testicles, he turns it around, clamps the body between his legs to hold her in place, pulls up the tail to expose the anus and showed us the vagina. he actually opened it up with his fingers to show us. i understand it's something i need to learn but i couldn't help feeling sorry for the goat when she finally broke free and ran away. i mean, do goats feel violated?
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3:05:00 PM

more developments. i had the inkling that he was interested or attracted to me. little things he does, like gazing at me and when i stare back at him, he has to look away because as he says, he doesn't want me to see his thoughts. or when he placed his hand on my knee to ask me if i wanted slush. not exactly anything big you'd think but i've only known him for about a week and that seems to be very casual touching. or when i went to dinner with him, my housemate and her bf, and he suggested we go to the movies, like a double date. plus, the fact that my housemate told me he was such a great guy and not to limit myself because of the age thing. [he's 21, i'm 23 going on 24 this december]

but yesterday, it was confirmed by my housemate that peter is interested in me. i'm very bothered by it. i like him. he's a great guy, funny, sweet, considerate, a gentleman. great boyfriend material, i'd say. but i don't know my own feelings. i like hanging out with him but it's hard for me to imagine going out with him. i'm on a different mental plane from him. plus, my issues with sex and intimacy make it difficult. i don't think it would work out with a virgin [he's had gfs but wanted to have sex with someone he truly loved because he believes it will make the experience that much more meaningful--unbelievable that such a guy still exists right?] because i'm uncomfortable as it is with sex. i don't want to have someone fumbling around with me and make it even more awkward.

i'm kinda withdrawing mentally right now too. but i don't want to hurt him just because he is a great guy and i'd like to be close friends with him. i just don't want to lead him on. i hope he will move on soon to someone else. i think if he was more mature [not so much in years but in personality and attitude], i might seriously consider dating him tho.

i don't get it. why does this happen? when i feel like i've found a really great guy friend, something happens to change the dynamic of the friendship. i was planning to talk to him about and make him see i'm not a good match but i think i'll just wait and see for now. maybe when i don't give him the signals he's hoping for, he'll get the hint and move on.
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9.15.2001 | 4:07:06 PM

ya know, it hurt that when i talked to others about what happened, it was written off as a mistake. even tho i felt inside that it was more than a mistake. to have someone say, yes, i understand what you're feeling and going thru and that yes, it was more than just a mistake, i dunno... it helps to let go some of my guilt. like maybe i'm not the one at fault. what happened shouldn't have happened and i didn't cause it. [shrug] just thoughts running thru my head.
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4:02:49 PM

it's been a while since i blogged eh? been busy i guess. i'm plain tuckered out with school and work and just not sleeping. i suppose there was no need to think that i would be spending most of my time alone because my housemate's friends have invited me everywhere so every night, i do not get into bed until past 1, waking up at 7 the next morning. i feel as if i've already posted this up before but with my sleep deprived mind i just don't give a hoot.

i finally slept in my dorm room last night and boy, are my suitemates loud. they all seem to have gotten along pretty well, hanging out together. too bad i was so tired because i went to sleep right after 11pm. i wake up to a loud knocking and there are 6, maybe 7 ppl clustered outside my door, waiting to meet me. maybe the impression i gave wasn't exactly a good one but hey, i was still half asleep. so i guess the good thing is that the ppl i share a suite with are nice. problem is even they admit they make up the loudest suite on the floor. great. just great.

i talked about it again with my housemate. she asked me if i liked a friend of his [yes, q and lill--it's peter!--hey, don't look at me like that.] because i'm pretty friendly with him. yeah, i am. i haven't felt this comfortable with a guy since my bf. but i told her he wasn't what i was looking for. i know, i shouldn't limit myself to a type of person and often what you're looking for isn't what's right anyway. but even if i were to develop those kinds of feelings for this guy, i wouldn't be abe to do anything about it. i just know that i'll start to withdraw and act in such a way that he'll want to withdraw from me. i've come to realize that as horny as i am [and i'm sure you all know that by now], mentally and emotionally, i'm just not ready. for anything. i say i want it badly and maybe i do, but when it comes down to it, i'm not mentally prepared. even the thought of it right now, makes me feel like i want to shut down.

man, my housemate has got some problems of her own, so much that i can't even make sense of it all. and it felt really horrible to watch her cry in front of me and not be able to do anything but put my hand on her shoulder.

in an attempt to lighten this mood, i'll tell you about my animal science course. a girl sat next to me and i'm figuring she didn't get a chance to eat or drink anything for breakfast yet. i could tell because she was breathing through her mouth. i wished she didn't.

anyhoo, i visited a farm for my animal science lab. it was great handling the goats. it saddened me tho that they were all going to end up being slaughtered. i need to distance myself from it if i'm going to be working with animals that i know will end up being killed. it's just kinda hard when you're playing with them. [sigh] afterwards, for dinner, when i ordered a chicken sandwich, i ate 2 bites before i stopped. i couldn't finish it. the farm experience with the goats had affected me.
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9.12.2001 | 11:06:03 AM

i think i may still be in shock. it hasn't really struck me because i'm disassociated from it. i have no friends and family who was killed. my sister works not far from the world trade center but she's ok. but i watched the news with everyone else and i couldn't believe some of the things i saw. of the ppl jumping/falling out of the building. to actually see the flaling body as it plummeted down, it was mind-numbing. i didn't know any of the victims but i admit i began to choke and tear up a bit when i watched the news.
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9.11.2001 | 2:21:45 PM

f.u.c.k. eh? interesting...
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2:17:56 PM

so i'm learning new things about myself. how ppl perceive me and stuff. my housemate says i should smile more because i sometimes look glum. my face is pretty expressive. i can't lie for the life of me. so whatever i'm feeling, it'll show on my face, whether i want it to or not. it's not something i can hide from others. so if i'm not feeling happy, you can see it in the downturned corners of my mouth. i admit, my mouth is not prone to smiles. something i need to work on. but i do give into many short bursts of laughter. so i'm not sure what that means.

there aren't many ppl i can reveal myself to. on paper, on line, it's a different matter but in person, talking to someone, i do clam up. i'm more private than i think i am, i guess.
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2:11:35 PM

wow, i'm stunned. i walked into my animal science class and the first thing the teacher talked about were the plane crashes. and i'm sitting there totally befuddled cuz i have no idea what is going on. plane crash? world trade center? wha-?

now, the university is closed, many students are at the campus center watching the news and i'm still in shock. i don't know what to make of it. what goes into ppl's heads when they decide to kill thousands of innocent ppl?
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9.10.2001 | 11:26:04 PM

i didn't have much sleep last night. after my talk with my housemate and i was listening to linkin park, i don't know what happened. i cried. for a good long while. i stopped and when i thought i was done, it started again. it felt good.
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12:22:04 AM

sorry. didn't find much time to blog this weekend tho i can't say i did a whole lot either. but i'm back at school thanks to lill's willingness to drive me up. she got to see my bare assed room. being the swell pal she is, she took me grocery shopping. so now i have lots of food. i shouldn't be starving any time soon. great news tho is that a dorm room has been set aside for me. my housemate has a friend in the housing office who is doing this for me. so even tho it's supposed to be first come first served, he is definitely guaranteeing me a room. and it may very well be a single. a tiny single, but a single nonetheless so i won't have to deal with annoying roommates. so i'm pretty darn happy considering that my stomach has been twisted in knots over my living situation. i think it's actually easier to live with or among strangers than with someone you kinda sorta know.

so maybe this will be a good week if this is how it starts.

but i had a really good talk with my housemate today about sex. the not so good things about it. like molestation, rape and sexual coercion. you know the stats that 1 out of 4 women will be a victim of some sort of sexual assault [assault meaning unwanted sexual advances, i guess]? so it's like if you were in a room with 4 women, at least one of them will have been or will be a victim. very sobering and i think very true. i think about that sometimes when i'm in a roomful of women and it jolts me when i think of that statistic. i shared a little with my housemate and she shared as well. it wasn't a lighthearted conversation. both of us were to some degree affected by it. but i'm glad we had that talk. i'm glad that she talked to me.

i'm listening to linkin park. i'm hooked on the band. the lyrics, the beat, the music, the voice of the singers, they all resonate with me right at this moment. i don't know what i'm feeling right now. i just get this way when i talk to someone about my experience.

another of my articles has been published. this time, it's about something a bit more personal and so it makes me queasy that thousands of eyes will be reading them. altho at the time, i didn't really give a hoot what ppl thought or else i wouldn't have submitted it a couple of months ago. i'm so queasy about it, i couldn't bring myself to read it. i don't even remember exactly what i wrote but i know it's about my parents. i feel like ppl are looking at my naked pictures or something.

just wanna say thanks lill for the big hug. i know it means something to not only accept a hug but to offer it in the first place.

kisses all around...
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9.8.2001 | 12:28:21 PM

i did an extraordinary amount of pooping when i was up at umass. i think it was nerves. or maybe all that oatmeal. and my dreams have been plagued with sex. practically every night, for goodness sake. it's not something i like because it's not very likely that i'll be getting any for real. so i'm a horndog.
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12:24:20 PM

i'm back in boston for the weekend. i really did miss it when i was away for, oh, 3 days. when i stepped onto the pavement in boston, it felt like i was home. and to start off the weekend, i went out for drinks with a friend, my homeboy, at the pour house grill. i can't hold my drink too well so a guiness and an amstel was enough to make me a little lightheaded. it felt good to catch up. the 3 hours of talking passed by real quick.

you know what the sucky thing is tho? i lugged my humongous bio book home cuz i figured i had homework. turns out, i don't. i've already done it so now i gotta lug it back to school. tsk. broke my back for nothing. i hope to hang out with my gfs tonite cuz the way i see it, i won't be coming back to boston for a long while. it'd be nice to have dinner, maybe shoot some pool, with them. i'd like to have something to bring back with me to umass. a fun night out with them would do the trick.
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