Tuesday, July 17, 2001
by starlight. smashing pumpkins. courtesy of lyricsplanet.com by starlight i'll kiss you
and promise to be your one and only
i'll make you feel happy
and leave you to be lost in mine
and where will we go what will we do?
soon said i will know
dead eyes are you just like me?
cause her eyes were as vacant as the seas
dead eyes are you just like me?
and all along we knew we'd carry on
just to belong
by starlight i know you
as lovely as a wish granted true
my life has been empty, my life has been untrue
and does she really know, who i really am?
does she really know me at last
dead eyes, are you just like me?
posted by clone j at 7/17/2001 12:14:16 AM
radiohead. thinking of you. courtesy of lyricsplanet.com Been thinking about you, your record's a hit
Your eyes are on my wall, your teeth are over there
But I'm still no-one, and you're not a star
What do you care?
Been thinking about you, and there's no rest
Shit, I still love you, still see you in bed
But I'm playing with myself, and what do you care
When the other men are far, far better
All the things you got
All the things you need
Who bought you cigarettes and bribed the company
To come and see you, honey
I've been thinking about you, so how can you sleep
These people aren't your friends, they're paid to kiss your feet
But they don't know what I know, and why should you care
When I'm not there
Been thinking about you, and there's no rest
Shit, I still love you, still see you in bed
But I'm playing with myself, what do you care
When I'm not there
All the things you got, you'll never need
All the things you got, I'm planning to please you, please you
Been thinking about you...
posted by clone j at 7/17/2001 12:12:01 AM
from nutopia. meg lee chin. my generation.
(the city's all wrapped up.)
i saw the best minds of my generation.
running on empty.
super-glued to the tv.
dreaming of prosperity.
talking insesantly.
saying nothing.
sleeping on platforms at train stations.
sipping chemical cocktails.
alive to the universe, dead to the world.
hallucinating delusions of media reality.
in camden town.
desperate in the pursuit of cool.
he's in a suit, she's in a straight jacket.
seven eleven nightmares at 3 AM.
posted by clone j at 7/17/2001 12:08:02 AM
so, i'm here again. i'm feeling better i guess. mostly because i'm slowly replacing eric with a void. just like i did for a previous love.
the situations are kind of similar. i feel too much, they don't feel enough. well, that's actually unfair to say, because i can't exactly demand them to feel as much as i do. it's even that way with just regular friendships.
but the void is useful. it's just easier to go numb. even if i do think of her now, it's just... empty. i'm not crawling the walls, or pointing my finger to my head like a gun, or giddily prancing about like a mindless fool. it's just... there. just void. tucked away nice and neat. which is what is going to happen with eric with any luck. this weekend has just been particularly bad and enlightening all at once. it's just better for us to be apart, in all ways. the "just friends" isn't working. maybe because i want too much, but won't admit it. or because he feels lied to because i haven't even bothered to ask. i can't open up to him, and he can't understand the reasons why because he doesn't seem to comprehend things the way i do. i can hardly blame him for that, but i can't let him be burdened by it either. i wrote a letter. i suppose, it's a "dear eric" letter. i don't know if i'm gonna mail it. (he's moved to his mother's, so i'd have to ask him his address anyway.) i've never been able to be true in abandoning someone. i can't just do it. i have it in my head that i will, but i never stick to it. i always run back, or jump at the chance, y'know? and it's sickening to watch myself just cave like that.
but he might think that i wrote it in order to get a rise out of him to force him to pay more attention to me. and maybe i am. until i can figure out what my real motivations are, i can't very well send it. but i'll prepare. but slowly closing off, and withdrawing. he'll easily fill the void. i can be happy for him, if not happy myself.
but part of me. part of me warns him that's what i'm doing. but it's hard to portray that in typed messages. i just... can't call him anymore. i can't mask my voice like i once did, and he's noticed quite a bit now. so i really can't call him anymore. i'll just have to hack it. for the better of the two of us. i don't know if i'm being more selfish by wanting him happy to make me happy, or by being cowardly and not executing the fact.
posted by clone j at 7/17/2001 12:00:21 AM
Sunday, July 15, 2001
the medications working. it's doing what it's supposed to. i'm not though. i'm not making myself better. and i'm wasting time and money and time. i make myself sick.
in anyway one single human being could to another. i feel like i'm a disease. that i just get in there in whatever means i can and just fester. waiting for someone to get rid of me. and then pass to the next. until they get rid of me. i can't get rid of me though. i'm like... the carrier. hah.
posted by clone j at 7/15/2001 12:51:27 AM
and i could be doing something to make myself feel better. but no, i'm a masochist, so we cam't have that. i listen to the saddest music. hoping it'll make me cry.
i hate crying. but if it's an easy way out of feeling bad, i'll use it.
but i can almost see myself crying, and it makes me ill.
eric tries to get me to open up to him, 'cause he says it's hard to be open with me when i'm not open with him. but i've never known him *not* to tell me something, whether i wanted to hear it or not, so the concept of him being anymore open than he is now is nearly frightful. let alone the concept of what i could turn into if i were open. just a blubbering idiot. who harps on things that really shouldn't matter.
but do. to some bizarre recess of my mind where i hide things that i don't want seen.
but eric is always telling me how i'm so transparent. if such were the case, he wouldn't have to question me to death, right? wrong.
we were on the phone. for a good... 135 minutes. "this is how i see my relationship with you"... is how it started i believe. something along the lines of... "you want to belong to me, but you know that i'm not going to belong to anyone. and that i won't belong to you. but that's what you want."
if we just don't talk about it, it'll go away. the words just blare in my head, and i can't speak. i just can't remember how.to talk. which sucks when it's long distance. and he would sit trying to think of what he could say. to convince me that he wanted me happy without having to be the one who makes me happy. har har. he asked ssomething that just ... hurt. "why do you let me hurt you. why do you let any of this hurt you." like it's a choice. like i sat down with myself, and said, "y'know. i'm gonna find a new way to hurt myself." i just ... need. i need others approval... presence... attention... i need to hurt. 'cause i don't know how else to feel. it's just easier to stick to what you know.
he says i make him worry. i don't want to make him worry. i don't want to make him feel bad at all. i just know he could be happier without me.
it's selfish to ask to have never been born, isn't it.
posted by clone j at 7/15/2001 12:45:32 AM
how can you let someone know you need them, when you don't let them see your face. wow. i'm just... really hurting right now. it's almost laughable.
laughter. the god-gifted defense mechanism.
posted by clone j at 7/15/2001 12:36:02 AM
Saturday, July 14, 2001
it's just easy to think i'm easy to forget. i go all out to leave such a powerful impression that after a while i don't care whether it's good or bad anymore. but simply the impression matters. but i always have this dread no matter how hard i try, or how hard i try not to, i'll be left. again. and i can't find it in myself to blame them either. 'cause if everyone's doing it, why can't you. so, i'm in the middle of trying to not love a lot of people. it's not so much easy as empty. you can get rid of the ache, but then there's this numb void that's left behind. the walls throb as if to collapse to let the pain flood in as it once did, and you try so hard with every over-defensive mechanism in your body to hold them up and keep it out... to make it into a nice homey shell that you can live in. and then you hold out everything. not just pain. but anything that can cause it. and everything does, so everything then.
it used to be funny how that works.
posted by clone j at 7/14/2001 11:25:53 PM
i'm so painfully bored. so bored that it inflicts pain on my bodily person. that i actually feel numb in parts of my body, and pain in others, and in my stomach the little dr. pepper bubbles are antsy the way they swarm in my stomach.
i sure wish i knew what to feel. i kind of forgot what feelings are which. every motivation seems perverted somehow. i suppose if you think about it long enough you can decipher just how sickly a species we belong to, really.
i should be happy. but i don't know if i'm happy for the right reasons. and if i am happy, if i have any right to be when so many other people are so unhappy. which makes me disgusted with my own happiness. i suppose i'm denying my own feelings. but if people did it more often, think of the type of world we would live in. who knows. people just might go out of their way *not* to do the cruel things they do. hah. that'd be the day.
just sitting in a perpetual limbo gets one to think. and think a lot. i mean it's nice to think a little. then you can be like, "oh well that's interesting." but after a certain point it's like, "ew. that's a sick revelation." and then two steps past that you've gotten to, "why is anything worth it anymore." and then, if you can hop skip and jump into the next level of oblivion, you walk into "what a hell we live in" - stage right. where you can't figure out if you're a better person for knowing what you know, or if you've just sunken that much lower into the filfth you've just discovered. everything you ever knew, or ever thought you knew becomes twisted and ill. perverted from the root, and then yanked out of your control.
and then you look around and someone will tell you that you're not the only one.
they're lying. because you are. because no one can see through your eyes. because it'll always be a step worse from the inside to go out. than it is to come in.
posted by clone j at 7/14/2001 11:22:24 PM
Thursday, July 12, 2001
i had to split up the conversation, but here it is. have fun.
posted by clone j at 7/12/2001 06:03:23 PM
me: so my brother's girlfriend is here. and is very
very much preggie. eric: Yeesh. <.< eric: Pregnancy weirds me out. eric: Babies weird me out. me: it weirds me out because it's my brother's. me: they're upstairs napping together right now. i want
to gag. eric: Yeah.. I could see that too. eric: Well, at least he's supportive. eric: Most guys won't even do that much. me: at least i'm relatively sure that they're not
getting it on. that i could not deal with. me: i think... my brother tries really hard to look
like a man. me: and he wants to be a "real man". me: and he's still convincing himself that this is
*the* one. me: i think it's mostly highschool puppy love gone arye. eric: Love is what you make of it.. me: it's overrated. eric: If they're happy, then it shouldn't be a problem. me: i don't think it'll last. eric: Not really. it's just misunderstood. eric: And humanity as a whole probably isn't ready for it. eric: But it's here anyway, so, deal. me: easy for you to say. eric: I've always felt this way. o.o; eric: Even before I met Paul, even when I was heartbroken. eric: You can't blame Love for human frailties. me: love *is* a human fraility. eric: So you believe humans are the only... creature to feel love? me: likely. me: you can argue that a squirrel courts another
squirrel. but it's all hormonal. it's all natural. eric: You could say the same for humans. me: people, however, have the capability to focus and
manipulate this feeling to specifications of their own devise. me: yes, you *could*. but i'm not. eric: That love can be explained as a biological process just as anything
else science turns it's eye on. eric: Stars are pretty, but they're just burning balls of gases.. me: that makes it unpretty? eric: It makes it less... human. eric: They become distant objects with no mystery. me: the human sense of what love is is all in their
heads. me: they have hormones. they have urges. but they are
directed according to the idea of what they want in their head. eric: Then, what is altruism? me: doesn't exist. me: i actually had to look it up. me: if you're talking about selflessness, there is no
such thing. me: if you're implying the cooperation of individuals
to contribute to the survival of the species... it does exist. but only in the
confines of the minds of man. you don't cooperate with just any human. you
cooperate with the human that fits your specifications and can provide you with
what you want in return. eric: What about complete sacrifice of yourself for one other being you love? eric: Complete loss of life. me: depends on the motivation. eric: The wish for no harm to come to the object of your affection. me: all the motivations can be perverted. a person
could sacrifice their life for another, to see the other live - otherwise their
memory would die. if the other person dies, than you're left with having to live
with the fact. it's simply easier to die. me: a type of vanity for that object. me: it's yours. you possess it. and if it's harmed, it
would hurt you. because it's yours. me: because it's something you like to look at or be
with. because your life would be affected by the death of this other person.
posted by clone j at 7/12/2001 06:03:02 PM
eric: Okay.. let me give you an example of what I'm talking about.. eric: Object of affection is about to be hit by bus.. eric: You push person out of way.. eric: Get hit by bus, die. eric: Simply because you didn't want that person to get hurt. me: well you're hardly going to care very much when
you're dead. me: this is the second time i've had this conversation
today. me: but it's WHY you don't want that person to get
hurt. me: you could call it love, if you really believed in
such a thing. eric: Well.. I do. me: but in the act, you're thinking of that single
person and the affect they have on you. me: but that's selfish 'cause you're hardly thinking of
anyone else in the world. me: i mean, it's not like that love is only reserved
for that one person. eric: In that situation.. I think most people would understand. eric: It was an act of self-sacrifice for another's life. me: so? does that somehow nullify everything that
person's done? does that one act define what love is? me: i don't have to love someone to put my life in
front of theirs. eric: No, but it's a strong expression. eric: A moment of clarity. eric: It makes people stop and look and think about why someone would do such
a thing. eric: Because it defies basic human nature. me: but that doesn't make it love. me: i would simply do it because i could. what do you
have to really lose if you do put your life in front of another? that person
could have died. which means you would've lost them anyway. so instead, you die,
you still lose. eric: It's hard to define love, yeah. It's one word which can encompass a great deal of things. eric: But maybe you gain in the process.. me: but love is not just some thing that just appeared
at the beginning of time. eric: Not intentionally.. me: i mean, if you don't believe god has any
intervention in what happens on earth, of course. eric: I don't believe in a real figure watching down over us. eric: I believe God is basically what connects people together. The binding
of everything in the universe. The universal awareness and being. I Am. The
moment of self-awareness being the big bang.. so on. eric: So.. to me.. everything in existance is God. me: i used to think i could be happy simply loving
people. that it would be okay if i just loved people. that i could make them
happy in said love. but it doesn't work that way. everything has to be two ways,
or no way. which i suppose is why altruism is more something that just happens
whether you like it or not. but it just doesn't work that way. me: pantheism. me: you could love someone and they won't care. so if i
put my life in front of theirs, they're not losing anything. me: but if i don't put my life in front of theirs, *i*
lose something. eric: On the physical level. me: on every level. eric: Maybe you just incurred some -major- karmic credit though. me: if they were to die, i would lose them. me: however, if i were to die, they would lose nothing. me: so it just simply makes more sense for me to die
instead of them. eric: Maybe you completed your purpose and move on to a better existance. me: if you think we have a purpose. eric: I don't want to say we do.. In all truth I can only postulate and hope I'm right.. in truth I don't know
anything. me: i think people live, they do stuff, which affects
stuff, and die. me: the affects could be called a purpose, but hardly
anything divine about it. eric: So.. maybe whatever thing in the dark says, "I am", big bang, and then
tries to disvocer what that means, with everything in existance being a
projection of it's own self-discovery. me: i don't think it matters how one dies, just that
they do. me: if i die for someone else's sake, i'm no better
than i would be if i died falling into a ditch. eric: So what do you feel about Immortalists? eric: People who want to use science to make themselves eternal. me: that's just dumb. eric: Why's that? me: it's self defeating. me: everything is finite. the world won't exist
forever. me: if you live forever, it'll really suck if the world
ends without you, now won't it?
posted by clone j at 7/12/2001 06:02:13 PM
eric: No offense, but in your philosophy, there doesn't seem to be a point to
existance, so why would going one way or the other affect anything? me: it's just a domino effect, is all. me: i drop a dime. someone picks up that dime. they buy
a candy bar with the money they have. they give it to their starving kid sister.
the sister chokes, and dies. me: we may or may not be aware of what the consequences
of our actions really are, but they happen. que sera. eric: So you're saying Immortality would just slow down the cycle? me: yes. me: immortality wasn't granted to humans. so humans
will suffer for achieving it. karmic backlash. eric: You're espousing the White Wolf philosophy on immortality. me: should i pat myself on the back? eric: No need to get an attitude. me: right. me: death is just a part of life. the people who can't
accept that will find some other way to destroy themselves. me: immortality only ensures the vessel with survive. eric: Likely. Personally, I think I'd like to try immortality out for a while. me: but you couldn't just try it for a while. me: you'd have to do it forever. if the world exploded,
you'd float in space, and simply exist. eric: Well, I'd like to try longevity for a while. eric: Well.. I'm talking about unaging. eric: Science isn't at the point of invulnerability yet. eric: If the world blew, the unaging would go with it. eric: The point is to get off the rock and spread like cancer. eric: Out across the stars. me: i don't want to age either. me: but i don't exactly want to be like this for very
long. me: i'm impartial to my 'vessel', but i don't know how
long i can bear living in it. eric: So you believe in a soul? me: i believe that what happens to my body only matters
if i let it. me: i'm not saying i'm capable of not feeling pain if i
simply pretend it's not there, but i'm sure that we have a potential that
doesn't require our bodies. me: that we have a potential that transcends this
vessel. eric: I'm glad you have some optimism in you. me: i just think most if not everyone wastes it. eric: Probably.. me: if you like, "love" can be one of those potentials. eric: Hard to say. It's probably a very personal experience. me: possible. but if one experiences it, and it doesn't
change them, then i don't see what the point is of trying at all... y'know? if
you're just looking inside yourself because that's what everybody else is doing
- unless you're trying to aspire to something better than you are, there is no
point. me: so take love. if you're not loving someone else so
that you (and that person, saying the feeling was mutual) to become more than
you already are... there really is no substance to it. me: and maybe i'm picky. but substance is equivalent to
real. one may argue taht if you think you feel it, it's genuine. i think it's
just self delusion. you think something means more than it really is. me: and... am i just talking to myself? eric: I'm reading.. eric: You're more of a Thinking person. eric: I'm more of a Feeling person.. me: i tried that. didn't work out. eric: Well, it's just who you are.. me: only if i want it to be. me: if you can convince other people of something, you
can easily redirect that and end up convincing yourself. eric: And what does it matter at that point, if you convince enough people? Perception is reality. me: even better. what people know is all they need to
know. if you're not actually like that, it makes no difference, because in
reality that's what you are. me: if you wanted to change, all you'd have to do is
convince everyone else. and essentially - i think psychologically, you convince
yourself that because you had to change for others, what you were before was
either inadequate or wrong, eventually making you into what you tried to seem
like. eric: Of course.. in order for it to become absolute truth, you'd have to
convince the concensus of that fact/lie. eric: <consensus> eric: This is why people should join my Cult. u.u me: you officially have a cult now? eric: Sure, why not? o.o me: i see no reason why not to. it's just news to me. eric: Well, I say, if people want to deify me, then let them.
posted by clone j at 7/12/2001 06:01:28 PM
me: i came to some what of a conclusion. me: well, no. just a notion. eric: What's that? me: you're reaction to professions of love are
distorted by how you feel about your mother and what you think she is thinking
when she tells you she loves you. that she either wants something from you, or
is about to rely on you for something you may not want to do. eric: Think so eh? eric: But do you know much about my relationship with my mother to make such
a hypothesis? me: ::shrugs:: i only know what you tell me. me: which is... almost never good. eric: Well, you see it through a tinted glass then, likely. My bias, which is complete anger towards her.. me: and that you never tell her you love her, even when
she tells you she loves you. simply because you may not believe in your heart of
hearts that you do. me: probably. but that doesn't particularly make it any
less real. eric: That much is true. eric: I think the most painful part in A.I. was when he first loved Monica. eric: And I knew because.. I don't feel that anymore. me: the whole imprinting thing was a selfish act on the
mother's part. eric: I stopped feeling it when I was 10 years old. me: i don't remember feeling it. me: like, ever. me: and it doesn't particularly make me sad, 'cause i
really don't miss it. sometimes i would like her to hold me or show affection
for me, but she's just not the time. eric: That's what I feel towards my Dad.. me: i feel that way about my dad too. eric: But with my Mom it's just a sense of loss, and that I can't love the
person she's become except through pity. me: sure, i'd react if something happened to them. and
i worry about them and what not. mostly because i would be very much at a
disadvantage if they were ever to die or be harmed. eric: Strange how that is.. I always thought I'd be at an advantage if my
mother had died. eric: Not that I ever wanted her to. me: 'cause you're not a spoiled brat like i am.
posted by clone j at 7/12/2001 05:59:32 PM
eric: Between the two of us, I should be the sociopath. eric: Not that I'm saying you are. eric: But.. you get my drift. eric: I wonder if I am. o.o; me: if you're the sociopath, what am i. me: everyone is to an extent. eric: What exactly is a sociopath? me: brb. dad just got back. busy day busy day. me: it's someone who doesn't have a conscience. me: they don't have a sense of what is right and wrong.
they can't distinguish the two. i think. me: i can check though. brb. me: i'm pretty sure that's what a sociopath is though. me: so you, are not a sociopath. me: because you feel guilt. me: right? eric: Yeah, I guess so. me: you're not a sociopath because you have limits to
what you would and would not do. eric: But what if a sociopath understood the bounderies of socioety
intellectually? eric: And avoided them to keep harm from coming from himself.. eric: <to> me: they would do anything that serves themselves. me: they would break the law, and run. really fast. me: worst case scenario, they'd kill whoever tried to
stop them from getting what they want, or die trying. eric: But, what if one understood the consequences were almost unbeatable? me: i think the whole idea is that they CAN'T
understand that. eric: That he would control himself in his best interests and find another
way to get what he wanted? eric: Hm.. alright. me: i mean in the extreme case of sociopath...ism. eric: Psychopathy. me: but in some ways, everyone's a sociopath. heh. you
can draw lines between psychopathy and capitalism. >.> eric: In a lot of ways, I think Capitalism will just collapse in on itself.. me: i think the human race will. and capitalism is
gonna help 'em do it. eric: It's just as redundant as Communism. me: that's just how people are. eric: I'm a Utopian sort've person. me: though the whole idea is that utopia's don't exist. me: i would like to make my home a utopia. eric: They don't, but they could. me: ideally. just five people who can cohabitate
without any jealousies. eric: That's just my opinion. And when people says they can't work, it just
makes me shake my head, because that's the attitude that keeps it from working. me: just all doing their own thing to be whoever they
want to be. it's mildly communistic, i guess. but it only works in small groups. me: basically.
posted by clone j at 7/12/2001 05:58:05 PM
me: i really hate how my brother misuses the word gay. eric: Communism is a very utopian idea. It just doesn't work.. me: sorry, that's mildly random. me: but he says he doesn't believe in political
correctness. eric: Oh.. I know what you mean. me: but i told him it's just not correct in general, by
definition. me: saying that a mecha looks gay is incorrect. because
gay implies both male and female homosexuals. which if you are going by the
feminine stereotype of male homosexuals, you'll have to address the masculinity
of the females. eric: I often mock my friends by it. "Man that's just gay!" "Yeah, I guess I can see how it vaguely resembles two giant phalluses rubbing
together in steamy congress." me: so you're really not calling the mecha effeminite.
you're calling it homosexual. which is just wrong. me: heh. eric: Of course.. this is a male-biased image, but they are male and it
really upsets them, which is the desired effect. me: kudos. me: and gay as in happy - it's also incorrect. me: and i just tell my brother how ignorant it makes
him look to me. i can't respect a person like that. and he's my own flesh and
blood. me: my school is damn notorious for misuse of the word
gay. me: and it disgusted me each and every time. eric: I use to go to a bible school. me: and even when they did use it in context it was
always something like, "it's not like i'm gay or anything." eric: I understand. me: and i'm sitting there like, "why would that matter.
o.o;" me: like, it befuddles me that that's even necessary to
say. eric: Exactly, it just shows that the only thing they have issue with is
themselves, not gays.. eric: If they had no issues with gays, they would be comfortable enough with
themselves not to worry over it. me: exactly. but i think it's subconsciously made girls
insecure with their masculinity. me: i mean, it's just not guys. eric: The definition of homophobia is being afraid you yourself might have
something in common with gay people. me: gayity isn't as big a deal as people make it. me: my brother says he's not homophobic. me: but he only began to say that when he found out my
aunt is a lesbian. me: and that our cousin is gay. me: he's still homophobic, in his own way. because he's
part of the problem, y'know? me: he still has this mindset that gay people are
drastically different. eric: Lots of gay people seem to have the mindset they're drasitcally
different. eric: This is why flamers are flamers... in my opinion. me: that "gay" is a suitable classification for
anything he damn well pleases because it's like he doesn't recognize that it's
not a common adjective. me: yeah. i kinda think that too. me: i mean, i never understood why people take pride in
something they could never change. me: "i'm black dammit." "so? it's not like you chose to
be." eric: It's just a defensive reation.. I can't blame people for that. me: i never joined the black students association in my
school, because it disgusted me. me: i can't either, but it doesn't make it any less
noticable. me: and just... sad. me: like my gut literally sinks when i see stuff like
that. that they have to have frickin' parades to validate their existance. eric: I agree with you though. Seperatism just breeds the undesired effect. me: it's fun, but the motivation is just... sad. me: i'm gonna paste this in my blog, this conversation
is just too stimulating to not have recorded. e.e;
posted by clone j at 7/12/2001 05:57:18 PM
i posted a really long log that i had with someone 'cause it was really cool and stimulating conversation. and i went to my friend maureen's journal, and she was all talking about how she had a really cool connection with this online guy and they just clicked on every conversational type level.
posted by clone j at 7/12/2001 05:55:40 PM
Thursday, May 03, 2001
it's impossible to not be hypocritical even with the most fundamental things. eating healthy to sit on your ass and tan. complaining about things you can fix. acting smart and being dumb. i suppose that's more tragic than hypocritical. i feel ill when i see people hurting over stupid things. then again, my upset with the world could be considered less than pointful. i wish talking wasn't so necessary. it is a stumbling manner of communicating. likely granted to us because we can no longer depend on the expressive nature of gesture. society is built on sound: education, communication, entertainment... all because we can't properly utilize the bodies we were given this notion is reinforced by the technology industry. the more we know, the more we use it for detestable self-indulgence. "ooo but what about medicine?" oh. you mean those funny th8ings that fuck with the natural order of things. and i'm a hypocrit again. benefiting off a grotesque kiosk of shallow needs and wants and living off artificially bought time. maybe i wouldn't be alive to argue. without the overpaid specialists the foul smelling sterility. the dead can't complain. they can't regret. hurt. they don't need. social darwinism shouldn't only be allowed to thrive in CERTAIN fields. if it's going to reign, give it totla sovereignty. allow the weak to die and the strong to survive. life isn't meant to be fair. it's not even obligatory for it to be ncie. people aren't born into the world with inherent respect, or love, or responsibility. those are all social devices that allow people to use others for their own gain and for the betterment of every oTHER individual life. my going to school, getting a career... it's never all for me. it's either for parents or some other superior faction - corporate or otherwise. freedom in it's true form hasn't existed for like ... a couple hundred centuries? "fighting for freedom" - that's a ... really nice thought. sorry if i sound patronizing, but it's hard not to when that's what i'm doing. the discrimination is wrong, not because of "inalienable rights," but because it's man made. one judges the other at first glance. we've beenclassically conditionied to create our own pointless mentalities and devise shallow manifestos to make us feel better about the monsters we are and the beasts we create in the form of rules. people aren't smart. they're gifted. priveledged against being as stupid as someone next to you. we live in a comparative society when the weak should fall - and will. when the strong excel at conformity and manipulation of resources - human or otherwise. the "individual" was never meant to exist. but now that it does, it becomes a bizarre category. that has a great divide : thos eindividuals who depend on fewer and control more, and those individuals who lay contrary to more and align with few. either is marginalized - one is limited to their reign, and one is confined by the permitance of what htey can or cannot feel. my little manifesto will not conclude with a call to revolution, or to pacify the ignorant. there's no solution. there never was, and never will be. it's the compounding spiral that is history.
posted by clone j at 5/3/2001 03:24:32 PM
i really don't like people. i'm seriously having problems finding redeeming qualities. which is bad, since there's so damn many of them. perhaps the stress of exams and grades has put an unmendable crack in my overall outward personality... it's bothersome to smile at members of a race i detest, so of course i smile wider. maybe i protest too much, but it's an evident dislike of stupidity. because that just happens to be an inherent quality, i'm fixated on thi flaw - it's like that blemish or deformity people stare at when they speak to others. (kind of like enrique iglesias' mole.) the endless cycle of idiocy, idiocyncracies, idioms, and whatever the hell other "idio"s. i realized that i'm only hurting myself and the conscious side of me doesn't mind. penitent as it may be. but i have to assume there has to be some punishment for my manner of thinking. the unforgiving notions i devise that people have died, are dying, and will die. that it doesn't matter how they die, have died. nothing anybody does is gonna bring them back and no justice you invent will ever stop it from happening. death is like a kock kock joke, you answer when it calls. if people continue having this mundane fear of dear, of course killing would be bad. it's that thin line again. love, hate. fear,... the opposite of fear.people have an obsession with death. it's okay to say one's passing is a divine end to a human life, and turn around and write a living will to live when they really can't. suicidal people become so nearto ending their lives, and teeter back and forth on the line - yes, i want to live. no i want to die. or the sickened mentality of dying for something. that's just dumb. you're going to die anyway, if you want to rush it - fine. but there's no prize for it. there's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. you're dead. there's nothing you can do other than go wherever you go after you die and watch people stain your memory. dying for anything is begging to die in vain. "oh but it's for the cause!" -- well, the ends justifies the means: you're dead. you wanna die, do it on your own time. not between commercials during my primetime. the "spectacle' of death is a grotesque thing. "ooo! let's jump off a bridge and be famous." "ooo! i'll die so i'm remembered." "ooo! i'm gonna change the world for self-indulgent idiotic children of the future who are going to repeat history anyway." i can't stand it. it. people. life. death. people. did i mention people? i can question it until every pointless phrase stumbles out of my mouth - but it's so tiresome. as useless are the words unheard as a talking dog. it's wearing at me, thinking is. feeling this way with an unstoppable vengence takes so much energy. maybe if i were deaf it would be easier to shut up about it. i don't like people. i don't like being people. it's annoying. irritating. needing people, don't like. meeting, seeing, hearing, understanding - basically any beatitude one could name - "people". i can't taake it. it makes my skin cralw to be in the middle of it all.waking up in the morning and seeing some flesh and bone in the mirror and seeing ugly. sitting on the can and wondering why i bothered to live htis long. standing in the shower, neck high in bubbles and never feeling clean even in that scalding water and never wanting to leave that warmth. putting on lotions and clothes and picking at myself like a barbie voodoo doll. everything is worry. and i could look how i want to look but forever never feel that way. it's disgusting. it makes my head hurt, and i get dizzy while my stomach sinks to the top of my thighs and it's contents crawling up my throat begging for a way out. what's the bad part? i need that feeling. everyday of my life. i miss it. when i feel good, i induce it if i can - and it's remarkably easy. just pop an old scenario in the vcr of my mindseye. this life. it's a gift. like the sweater from gradnma that's hidden behind your socks. what happens is never in anyone's control. the longer it's delayed the worse the fear will be. doctors and medicine play a reinforcer to man's self-indulgent nature. humanity is flawed. imperfect. maybe that's why i dislike it so. maybe i just know a different evil that exists in mankind. the dumb. the tupid. those who get away with the two. murder is nothing in comparison. the idiotic nature of man kills so many things. a man can kill me with a nice, and a nation with stupidity. it's disgusting. i want to be sick. no, sicker. i'm not sick enough to kill. i'm not sick enough to be locked up. i'm not sick enough to simply end it all. which is allegedly good.
posted by clone j at 5/3/2001 03:14:44 PM
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