It seems rather trite to talk about "the events of the past [insert period of time elapsed since 11 Sept 01]." But at the same time, I'm struck how a week ago, I was happily watching TV, going to bed, having no idea I'd wake up to a changing world. My alarm was set for 8:30am, and I only hit the snooze alarm twice, so it was just before 9am when I actually woke up and heard the radio people talking. At that point, it was still local DJs talking (the CBS radio network news people soon took over), and I don't know if it was the urgency in their voices that brought me from fuzzy-sleep-headedness to what-the-heck-awakeness in seconds or if the words themselves sunk in. They were saying it looked as if a bomb had gone off in the World Trade Center. I listened in shock for a few minutes - assuming this was another of those "little" bombing incidents - bad, yes, but just bad. Not unfathomably horrific.I finally decided to get out of bed and headed to the living room where I flipped on the TV. The shock of seeing just how BAD the "bombing" was was startling enough. But I turned it on within a minute of the second plane hitting the second tower live. I think I sat on the couch, it may have been the floor, I just was too shocked to stand. I watched the news grow worse for a good part of the morning. I was on hold with a doctor's office when the first tower collapsed - and it was so surreal hearing Peter Jennings (the Energizer Bunny of network anchors) try to figure out what was going on - as the entire view was covered with that dust - you really couldn't tell at first what happened. And the dust settled a little, and the person he was speaking to remotely said the tower had gone down, and I just started crying. A few moments later the person on the phone came back and was asking some fairly routine questions, but I couldn't think straight enough to answer in light of what I just saw. I tried to explain that, and she acted as if I were a complete airhead - I had to remind myself that she most likely had only heard bits and pieces at that point from people who'd come into the office, and even if she'd heard it on the radio, seeing it happen live, knowing hundreds if not thousands of people had just been killed on live television before your eyes, hearing that across the country at least four planes were reported hijacked, watching landmarks of your lifetime's visits to New York crumble was an entirely different ball of wax.
I am lucky in that the one person I know, personally, who would have reason to be in Manhattan that day (an uncle) was on vacation that week. I later learned he actually works (worked, that is) in building 7 of the World Trade Center - the one that collapsed later in the evening. I'm lucky that I was not flying from Boston to L.A. on Tuesday, as I've done before. I'm so very lucky, for my family and friends are alive and well. At least physically, because I don't know how long it will be before any of us are "well" emotionally or trust wise.
The notion of going to war scares the hell out of me. Yes, our country has been at war once in my lifetime already, but the "Gulf War" was so far removed from my life (I was 17, or maybe 16... ), just a series of pictures broadcast live every night. How bad a situation can it be if reporters are coming to you live from building tops at "ground zero?"
This, I fear, will not be the same. It's already been shown that this isn't a war fought entirely off U.S. soil. It isn't a war where the opponents obey some "civilized" system of fighting - not soldiers marching neatly towards each other with bayonnettes extended, not troops dedicated to simply attacking the other troops. This is a war in which the opponent is not only unknown (at least officially), but is willing to fight dirty.
I watched "The Day After" - that film from 1983 that scared the hell out of everyone about the aftermath of nuclear war. When it first aired I was 9, and didn't watch it, though several of my classmates did, and I certainly heard more than I wanted to. In watching it this year, I thought how different the world is now - the cold war threat seems so fabricated and dated. After all, we are the superpower now, and who's going to be dumb enough to "push the red button" against us, right?
I fear we may have found someone willing to. My first fear, early on Tuesday, was actually that we would discover the terrorists had not just crashed the planes and killed many that way, but had backed up their arsenal with anthrax or who knows what biological weapons. I still worry that will be next. We're not having a nice formal duel here, we've been under attack, and where it will escalate to worries me.
At the same time, I think what was oddest last week was the normalcy we'd regained by Wednesday. I worked both Tuesday and Wednesday nights, and there was a marked difference. Tuesday there was a huge rush of people early in the evening, and our "prep food" (that's all the fun precooked stuff, like roasted chickens and pizza) was sold out. Frozen foods were a close second. It looked like the night before a blizzard, with bottled water and bread selling nearly out. No one wanted to cook. No one wanted to be caught without emergency supplies, not knowing if it was all really over. By about 8pm, though, the store was dead. No one was venturing out. We had a small handful of customers, but for the most part, it was just quiet. I imagine everyone was home glued to their TVs or phones.
But by Wednesday night, everything was back to normal. The customers were back, buying the same things. Okay, more bottled water than normal was bought, and candles became a hot commodity, still, but for the most part, it was as if nothing had happened. People would say "have a good night" as they left (I'd found myself doing that even on Tuesday - just out of totally ingrained habit - and startled myself almost each time at how utterly stupid it sounded). Perhaps it was simply relief that the U.S. was still functioning for the most part, perhaps it was denial and acceptance as we go through the grieving period, perhaps it was my own personal spin on things. But it felt wrong in that it felt so normal.
Other than a proliferation of flags everywhere, our little portion of the world looks and feels very much the same on the surface. It's the layers of doubt, fear, hate, anger, regret, sorrow, pain, and confusion underneath that keep me slightly on edge, still.
A week ago, I went to sleep, expecting the world to be the same when I awoke. Tonight I'll go to sleep, hoping someday it will be the same again.
posted by Heather Weller on 9:02 PM | link
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School, work, sleep, rinse, repeat.Why in the world did I think school 5 days a week was a good idea? Especially school 5 days a week where I have to walk half an hour each way? And why does my boss insist on ignoring my pleas to only work one weeknight a week. Usually it's two, and that's rough enough. This week, I'm scheduled THREE weeknights and Sunday. Gary's father is visiting on Saturday, so she did give me that off as requested. I'm really getting fed up - I told her I can no longer work Thursday nights, which brings my availability down to 4 nights (Tues/Wed/Sat/Sun) and I specified I only want to work Tuesday OR Wednesday. It's just not right for me to go a week without seeing my husband for more than half an hour as we go between jobs, you know? I'm at the point where if she doesn't listen to the Thursdays off thing starting next week, or if the both weeknights thing becomes regular, I may well apply to work somewhere else. I'm a damn good worker, and perhaps threatening to leave is what it would take to get her to listen to the fact that I can deal with being paid cr@p, but I'm not going to be run into the ground for a job I despise - and I'm getting pretty worn out as it is.
posted by Heather Weller on 1:24 AM | link
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Remember all the planning I did for those school lunches? Well, what a waste. She gets lunch there. I can't figure this out - I guess they give a free lunch to all the preschoolers? Do they somehow assume all parents who put their kids in public preschool instead of private are poor? I don't get it. She had her first hamburger today, apparently. Ugh. Now I'm debating whether to be the bitchy parent who complains she does'nt want her child having beef (I, personally, don't eat it, though Gary does - for me it's a moral thing, but as far as she's concerned, I consider it a health/digestive thing). Guess I hve to start reading the Sunday paper where they list the school lunches for the week. At least Gary's enjoying fruit cups and string cheese, and we're eating the peanut butter crackers for snacks, but sheesh. Wish I'd known that! I sure wouldn't have bought that Winnie the Pooh lunchbox!Anyhow - I'm still not convinced about this preschool. There are three kids in her class. One of them came the first day but not the next two. The other came over an hour late the second day (was there on time today). There's a teacher and an aid. I know one-on-one attentino is good and all, but I could do that at home. I choose to send her to preschool for socialization more than anything else. I can easily arrange one-on-one or -on-two playdates - it's a classroom setting I wanted her used to. Academically, I have a feeling we'll put her in kindergarten next fall (yes, we still are going back and forth on this, and proibably will until we have to decide in April) - she's already learned most of the letters and many numbers (though she hasn't quite caught on that 10 is ten, not "one, zero" - gotta get that across sometime). She can write her name, and all that good stuff. Basically, from what I've seen, she's as ready for kindergarten NOW as many of the kids in there already. And I want to point out none of this is stuff we pushed on her - in fact, I've not done much with her about letters and the like when she hasn't asked - but she's picked a lot up on her own.
On the Heather front, boy am I gtting a work out with this walking to/from school. Tuesday Gary dropped us off and drove me home, then I walked to pick her up and walked about a block to my mother's where Jim drove us home (it's about a 25 minute walk to our houe from the school). Repeated that on Wednesday. Today I walked her there, walked home, walked back to get her, and ended up getting a ride home. Then I worked - standing, mind you, for 7 hours tonight. My poor little legs are rebelling. Oh well, I haven't been swimming regularly since Rowan stopped preschool in May, so it's good to be back to getting exercise, but I think I may have gone a little overboard - or at least should have had a practice week or so to get used to this!
This feels so disjointed, perhaps it is. I'm tired, but not tired. Hard to describe. Guess it's the post-work adreneline thing. It wasn't bad other than being on the crappy register (it's left-handed [I'm a rightie] and has a broken belt, so you hve to stretch and strain to reach things because the customers don't realize it's not working, and it's right by the door, so everyone coming in with a question asks you since you're right THERE, and the a/c doesn't do any good when the humidity is rushing in each time the door opens). Okay, that totally sucked. Oh, yeah, and the cash drawer doesn't open properly, so you have ot literally pull it out each time you need to get in there - which on an express register is fairly often! Ugh.
Tomorrow (well, technically tody at this point) is Gary's and my fifth anniversary. We were legally married five years in May, but August 31st is when we had the ceremony and what we celebrate. My mind boggles at the very idea of it having been five years. It feels like days ago. It was the last time my mother's entire side of the family was together - and I have a sad feeling it will be the last (with my grandparents, their kids, and their kids' kids). Too much tension there. It almost happened again right before Rowan was born for my grandparents' 50th anniversary, but I got stuck on bedrest and couldn't go. :( They took a nice portrait of the whole family - except ME! Whaaaaa. It bothers me there's so much tension between everyone, and I haven't a clue why. I just want everyone to get along again like when I was little. :( (And,no, it's not nostalgia speaking - things WERE a lot different twenty years ago! I don't know what happened!)
Um...okay, like the title said, this WAS pretty random! :)
posted by Heather Weller on 1:36 AM | link
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How in the world can it be the 21st of August? I do not get this. I do not understand at all. It's as if someone put my summer on Fast Forward. Rowan starts school in less than a week. I've been busy stocking up on stuff for her lunches, and actually having fun with it. I bought a little gadget from a Pampered Chef party (don't even ask how much I blew at that party! The funny thing is the party was for a fundraiser for a park I'm sure I'll never use, but ooooh, gadgets of any sort are my downfall). ANYhow - it's a sandwich cutter thingy - take a normal sandwhich and it cuts the center into a circle and crimps the edges. Okay, makes more sense when you see the picture, but, anyhow, I figured she'd probably appreciate round closed sandwhiches as a treat more than regular sandwhiches.Can't find a Rowan-sized backpack to save my life. Well, I did find one tiny one that would have been cute, but her lunch box woulnd't have fit. I can't picture expecting her to remember a bag AND a lunchbox, so now I have to find something a better size. It's either big gaping huge or tiny completely useless. I just picture her falling over backwards if I put on a full sized one!
This is another of those weeks Gary and I pass like ships in the night. Monday we were together about 2 hours between him coming home and having to go back to work for overtime. Tuesday (hey, that's today!) I worked. Wednesday I'll see him while we take Rowan to gymnastics, but then I'm off to a MOMS' night out thing w/ my MOMS Club. Thursday I work. Friday we have an actual evening together! Saturday and Sunday I work, though at least we get the daytimes together.
Oh well, at least we don't get sick of each other, right??
posted by Heather Weller on 1:19 AM | link
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I wonder if this post will show up. I keep getting messages my posts are going through, but then they don't show up on my page. Everything was fine until Lycos or whoever took over Angelfire - now I have to log in differently and it confused my poor little brain.Anyhow, summer continues to race by. Fortunately the heat broke. Unfortunately, the humidity didn't. It's still icky - although not AS icky.
Rowan cut her lip this morning trying to imitate the gymnasts on TV. She likes to throw herself on the floor, which is fine when she's in the gym, but on our hardwoods? Not so smart. She also has a big gash on her forhead (thank goodness for the bangs!) where she tumbled off her computer chair onto the corner of the desk yesterday.
Ohh, and she finally learned to use the mouse! She has a memory game (you know, where you flip the cards and match the pictures on the back) on CD, and since we play the real life version (the Pooh version, no less), she knew how to turn the cards. It took a few minutes of me explaining that moving the mouse doesn't mean clicking at the same time (she always does this when she uses the mouse - runs it around and clicks wildly). And this time she GOT it! Woohoo. She's on her way to being a geek.
Everyone's all nostalgic about computers this week because of the whole 20th anniversary of the IBM PC (PCs and MTV... what a week for memories!), so I won't go there, beyond to say how I wish my parents had let me go to the computer magnet school (that's magnet school for computers, not a school about magnets - magnet schools, since I don't know if they'er universal or a weird Massachusetts thing, much like rotaries, are schools that are meant to attract students [hence the magnet] who have a special interest - they do the standard school stuff, but have a focus on something in particular - in that case, computers, now there's an Arts' magnet school near us, etc.) I wanted to in for 5th grade. :(
I'm not going on until I know this silly thing will let me update! ;)
posted by Heather Weller on 11:37 PM | link
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It is too hot. I know, gee, that's original, bitching about the weather, but..really, when the heat index has it in the 100s in Massachusetts, it's too hot. When getting out of work at midnight feels like walking into the afternoon weather on most summer days, it's too hot. When the grocery store runs out of bottled water, it's too hot.I'm such a bad electricity girl, though. We're supposed to be in conservation mode today, because the power company isn't sure they can manage to keep up with demand. Well, I have the computer on and the A/C going. At least Gary has learned, and mostly remembers, when the A/C goes on, SHUT the bloody windows! ;)
I'm in utter shock and denial it's August. The other day I was talking to a woman who had a child last September. I know the date. And I said, "so he's 9 months old now, right?" I was SURE it was June! That's bad. School starts in 2.5 weeks - that's good and bad. Good because poor Rowan is bored silly. Bad because, well, it's a big step to go to full week programs!
And I'm all stressed because we have to pack a lunch for them. It's a half day program starting at noon - I assumed I'd just feed her before she left, but at the open house way back in June, the teachers said they'd need lunches, since they'd sit down and eat together to start the afternoon. Seems like a waste of time to me. But, now I'm stressed because I have to figure out stuff that Rowan will eat that's portable that won't have the teachers calling child protective services on me for inadequate nutrition! But we bought a little Pooh lunchbox (I picked it up in the $4.97 bin at Wal*mart. It was actually an $8 lunchbox. I wasn't happy about that, but she was SO adament about that box, and I'd told her she could have it, I wasn't going to say no). That and idiot cashier woman from h*ll was taking so long to ring up our purchase, I figured I'd be lucky if I made it back in time to get to work.
It took, I kid you not, *five* tries for my ATM card to go through because she kept hitting the "cancel" function. I cashier - I *know* they have buttons to hit to cancel the online transactions, and she hit it 5 times (the screen on my side kept saying "cancelled by cashier."). She forgot to give the people in front of us one of their bags (okay, everyone does this at some point). She made no attempt to get their attention (nor did I - they hit me at least three times with the cart and had kids running around the store playing sword fight with umbrellas, blocking my way at least twice while I was trying to shop- I wasn't feeling charitable ;)). She forgot to give US one of our bags - thank goodness the customer after us came out and told us, we had no clue - and if I'd driven the half hour home and THEN realized it, I'd have been a bit annoyed. The person who told us she had our bag must have thought I was a moron - I was just looking at her blankly. I was sure we had everything (cashier also split it into too many bags!) and was like "um, thanks" thinking she thought the stuff from the ppl in front of me was ours. But I went through and checked the bags vs. the receipt, and sure enough, she had one of our bags. So Gary went to retrieve it while I strapped Rowan into the car (now SURE I would be late), and while he was waiting for her to get him the bag, she was doing the same repeated cancelling of the customer's card. What a moron.
ANYhow.... This reminds me why I hate Wal*mart. They've got some nice deals, but their policy on hiring the mentally handicapped to handle money has me boggling. (Ugh, I sure hope I don't get a lot of search engine results for "walmart hiring handicapped" - I can just imagine the nasty emails I'll get ;)
So, life in Wellerville is pretty boring. I'm working 4 nights a week, Gary's working 40+ hours a week, and we pass off Rowan to each other a lot. I miss him! I hate my job. I just want to be a cashier again, I don't like this supervising stuff. And I'm SO sore from standing all the time. Whine whine.
Maybe I should start a countdown to our Florida trip (Nov 3-13th) to get my mind on the good stuff. Or thinking about not one but TWO weekends away in September. And the massage I have scheduled in September. Mmmm. Is it September yet?? :)
posted by Heather Weller on 1:25 AM | link
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If you were offered the answer to one of life's mysteries,
which would you choose to have solved? What would
you do with the information?
--question from the If... project, a writing collaboration.Besides where the dryer stores all those missing socks? I think I'd want to find out what happens after death. Personally, I've always believed in the whole "absolutely nothing" school of thought, but sometimes I wonder. I figure if my answer is right, I won't even get the satisfaction of finding that out after I die... and I'm ALL about instant gratification!
No matter what I discovered, I imagine I'd continue to live my life the same. While I certainly don't live by a list of "rules" of behavior based on wanting to get into Heaven or reincarnate into something better than a dung beetle, I do have my own morals I live by so I can live with myself. I'm assuming I wouldn't have any proof I really had this knowledge, so I wouldn't try to convince others their ideas were wrong. Besides the fear of being locked up if I suddenly proclaimed knowledge of the afterlife, I also think it would be a great exercise in futility. It's not as if our views on what happens after death are based on any sort of rational proof - and the fact that we'll never know the answer until we're dead is what makes this a great mystery of course. But I imagine trying to convince someone there was or wasn't reincarnation would be up there with arguing whether abortion should be legal or not: you're dealing with deeply routed views that rational discussion (or posters waving bible verses) won't alter.
The one big change I could forsee if I found out with certainty there is some sort of continuation of life after death is how I mourn, especially in the case of a traditional "Heaven" type afterlife. It would, I imagine, soften the blow of losing a loved one to know someday we'd be together again. I had one friend (not a particularly close friend - we'd been out of touch for several years at that point, and I was closer to her sister, but still knew her well enough to feel the shock) murdered, in a horribly violent manner. I found out about this two years ago, and still to this day, I tear up (and I'm NOT an overly emotional type) thinking how her last moments must have been agonizing physically and emotionally.. the idea that she was at peace somewhere now would be somewhat comforting. And, I have to admit, the idea that the man who did this to her (who has alluded capture for almost three years now) would literally spend an eternity in Hell would be a little rewarding as well.
posted by Heather Weller on 12:02 AM | link
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