oddly enough, the first thing that came to my mind was the "pilot" episode of that dumb x-files spin-off. it was the only episode i watched of the show because it was not very good. at any rate, part of the plot was about something called scenario 12d, in which a commercial flight was to crash into the world trade center. (i don't exactly remember why, but this page says it was a government plan "to keep tensions high and increase arms sales.") in the end, the situation is averted, with the plane barely missing the top of one of the buildings. (sometimes seeing a show or movie like that makes me wonder if it gives people ideas; but since the show has already been cancelled, i doubt too many people watched or remembered it, anyway.) what i saw on tv when i woke up today was like watching that episode, without the happy ending.

and there still is no ending to the story. i had to take a break from watching the tv because i couldn't keep looking at the same images and hearing the same shit-talking ("we will hunt them down and punish them") and favorite phrases ("perpetrators," "faceless cowards," "heinous crime," "how many are dead?"). but if i hadn't seen this all day, it would almost feel like watching a movie or a tv show. being so far removed from the actual situation — with only minimal effects here, like everything closing early — made it seem like it was going to be like war of the worlds.. where afterwards, they would announce to everybody that what they just heard and saw was a work of fiction. but i know it's not, and i'm not sure how to react to that. it would almost be easier if it was all just an elaborate joke; at least it would be easier to forget. but who knows what happens now?

i wrote to everyone in new york city i could think of whose email address i had, just to see if they were alright. so far, i have received positive responses. and for that, i am very happy. but i haven't heard from a couple people yet. i will just hope that they are okay and haven't gotten a chance to respond yet. and for the first time in a long time, i'm glad i wasn't living there.

millie was supposed to go to new york tomorrow for cmj. i wanted to go so badly, but i knew i couldn't afford it. now it looks like we'll both be kickin' it at home instead. but even in the barrio, we are safe in our home.. i think.

last night, i filled out an application for tower. i haven't had to fill out an application like that in years, and i always feel so stupid when i do so. is "i fucking hated this job" a good enough "reason for leaving?" if i get the job, i'll be getting quite a pay cut from my last job. i'll be going from a fairly sizeable salary (especially for a single 23-year-old) to a little more than minimum wage per hour. but i don't really care, to be honest. i suppose i'll have to learn how to budget my money now. i won't be able to blow it on fancy stuff that i've always wanted to buy. i may have to eat in more often than i usually do. but as long as i can pay the bills and still get a few dvd's or cd's that i want, i'll be okay. i really just want a job where my responsibility is minimal, the dress code is almost nonexistent, and the benefits (the employee discount, of course) are enticing. sure, it wouldn't be my ideal job, and i couldn't do it for the rest of my life. but at this point, it should suit me just fine. part of why i wanted to move to the beach was to get the same kind of job and enjoy the freedom it would give me.

as you can probably figure out, i'm not moving to the beach anymore. my time in atlanta is not yet over. and maybe it's better this way. while i was still considering packing up all my stuff and moving to florida by myself up until the day i decided to stay here, i realized that doing so would almost be like regressing. it would be like living in decatur, alabama again — nothing to do and no one cool within a fifty mile radius. sure, it would be great to be so close to the beach. but i guess the sacrifice would mean more to me than i had originally thought. maybe i'll just move there to die, like so many of the state's current residents. then they can just throw me in the ocean and watch me drift away. whatever.

at least some people have shown me that not all strangers are assholes. first, i am staying in the apartment of a girl i barely know, while she is out of town. thru her, i met another girl, who introduced me to her friends, who all welcomed me as if we had been friends for years. i hung out with them around their small town, watched fireworks and saw the phosphoresence of the ocean, rode the indy cars, went to disneyland, and watched bad movies. three of them even showed up at the troubadour last night, where i had gone to see smile for the first time. i'll miss them all, in a weird way. and we probably won't see each other again for a long time.

tonight, i'm sitting in that apartment by myself. i've been here all day, watching bad movies and sleeping and wishing this annoying cough would go away. i'm just in the mood to be alone and not do anything. but at the same time, i feel as if i'm missing out on something. afterall, i'm just outside of l.a., where there's always something going on. but i don't even care. i'm pretty much ready for something else. and i don't know if it's even something new that i want to see right now. but maybe it's just something familiar that i want. maybe i want to be sitting on a porch in atlanta, having a drink and talking shit with my friends. but now we're three time zones away, and it will be a while until i'm back there.

i must say that roswell was quite a disappointment, even tho' i wasn't really expecting too much. if the events on the show were real, the characters should be glad that something is there to alleviate the boredom they would feel from absolutely nothing to do. i spent the night in my motel room, flipping between at least five movie channels. even the ufo museum was pretty weak. (after that, i thought that i better not even waste my time at the smokey bear museum that i passed later in the day.) but viewable from its parking lot was a little place called the crashdown diner. i'm sure it was put there after the show was on the air. it even had a lower budget model of a ufo made to look like it had crashed into the building.

i should have gone to see the faint again last night. i saw them at emo's before i left austin, and i was figuring i would see them again when i arrived in phoenix. but jessica wanted to go to the casino again. we had gone on the previous night, and i had at least made my money back. since 105° weather doesn't exactly make me want to get my dance on, i went with her again. and i lost $32. i initially only lost $12 and then spent the rest on trying to win it back. after i blew all my money, i spent the rest of my time there calling friends. i suppose i can laugh it off easily enough, altho' completely losing money when i'm unemployed is definitely not a good thing. i should have gone with my original plan of going to the show with hopes that the cute girl behind the counter at the record store would be there.

however, on my way towards baton rouge, i was quickly running out of gas. thinking i would soon come upon an exit at which to feed my car, i instead ended up on miles and miles of bridges, with no exits in sight. when i finally arrived at one, i took it and followed a sign that said a gas station was four miles to my left. after about two miles, i was on a gigantic bridge. and after another few miles, i was in the middle of nowhere. by this time, the gas gauge is falling below E, and i was trying to remain calm. after another few miles, i finally saw a conoco. and as i pulled in to the parking lot, i gathered (judging from the flock who were sitting in their cars and bumping bass loudly) that i was the only white person within a large radius. this didn't bother me, but i wondered if it would bother them. i pulled in anyway and got $10 of gas to get me back on track. i received a few odd looks, but for the most part, i was ignored.. which was exactly what i wanted. i got back in my car and retraced my steps, continuing on the continuous bridge thru the swamps.

i'm still waiting for all my loving fans to offer me a place on their couch for a few days. i still have to make it back to the east coast, after i make stops in roswell, phoenix, and los angeles. of course, i'm going to at least drive thru las vegas, just like i did in new orleans (where a hooker/stipper winked at me). basically, i'm not going on any schedule or real plan. so if you live somewhere that is interesting enough, i might just stop by.

on another note, i finished my new ep before i left atlanta. i have a few copies with me, and that's probably the only way you can get one until i get back to a semi-permanent residence. you can order one on the site, if you wish. but my access to the internet is fairly sporradic, so it may be a few days before i receive your order. at any rate, i would say that it is the first thing i have released that i am actually proud of. so i hope others will enjoy it, too.