A humor column with ideas taken from real life. Poke fun at reality with rural Massachusetts' favorite rodent.

Gerbil Not on Summer Vacation

GREENFIELD, MA: Contrary to the late dearth of content, and bucking the trend set by Suck, Feed, and The Onion, the Gerbil is not, in fact, on vacation for any period of time, particularly the summer.

The recent lack of news posted to the Gerbil's site is attributed both to severe lethargy and occasional spasms of ambition, according to contributing editor Jason Nesbitman. "Every now and then, I'd think about writing a story, but it was so hot for a while there, and my air conditioner is on the blink. Firing up the laptop appreciably increases the ambient air temperature in my 92 square-foot studio apartment, so I just gave up," Nesbitman explained.

On the rare occasions when ambition overtook environmental concerns, sheer pride led editors to research hosting providers and domain names in the hope of taking the Gerbil to a larger segment of the public. "It would be really nice to set up the site on a real address, especially since our provider sucks," stated Liz Griffin, who hasn't contributed a story in the last 7 months. "Of course, actual content would also be nice."

Word at the HQ is that the core group of contributing editors will hold a meeting in the near future to discuss the future of the Gerbil. The time and date are still under discussion, but the location will most certainly be the Columbia, SC Airport Hampton Inn.
posted at 10:52 AM

Kraft Introduces Crystal Light Meth

DALLAS, TX: While some mothers got chocolates or flowers on Mother's Day, Kraft gave mothers nationwide the rush of crystal meth in several tasty flavors when it launched Crystal Light Meth today.

"We figured that it was a natural cross-over," noted Kraft spokesman Reg Hallas. "The meth gives mothers what they need to keep going during their busy days, while the fruity flavors cut the harsh, chemical taste that crystal meth sometimes brings."

Crystal Light Meth comes in six flavors: tangerine-orange, strawberry-kiwi, tropical cooler, fruit punch, appleberry, and lemonade.

"Wow, that was great!" noted Deb Gillian, a mother of three from nearby Killeen. "I've got all the cranked up energy that the drug promises, but the strawberry-kiwi flavor really hit the spot. I can't wait to try the other flavors!"

But the drug effects and great taste weren't the only benefits mothers saw in the new product. "I could never get close to my son, as he'd just spend all day in his room smoking crystal meth and listening to Limp Bizkit," said Fort Worth mother Peg Sewall. "Now we can smoke together and come closer. I don't know if I can handle Fred Durst's rantings, though, even when fried."

Crystal Light Meth got a huge boost with its target audience when Oprah Winfrey announced she would do an entire show featuring women who were empowered by using it. "While I don't usually tolerate drug use, given my past experiences, the stories these women have told me makes me think that this product is a tool to better lives."

Kraft's next drug product crossover, Miracle Whippets, will be rolled out in time for high school summer vacations.
posted at 9:15 PM

Jim J. Bullock to Speak at Pace U Commencement

NEW YORK, NY: Pace University President David Caputo announced earlier today that Jim J. Bullock, known for his role on "Too Close for Comfort" and a long stint on "Hollywood Squares", will deliver the annual commencement address to Pace undergraduates May 24th at Radio City Music Hall.

Bullock will receive an Honorary Doctorate of Letters as part of the commencement ceremony. The degree and speaking role were originally meant for John A. Gerson, CFO of William E. Simon & Sons, LLC. Students met with Caputo and his staff late Saturday to protest the choice, based on the fact that Gloria Steinem was also speaking, and the students wanted to have at least one speaker they recognized.

Bullock was notified late Monday afternoon of his nomination by the Board of Trustees, and was quite pleased to hear the news. "Oh, this is simply adorable, I can't believe it," Bullock gushed. "Of course, I'll have to ask for the afternoon off at the Banana Republic, but missing out on a few hours pay is well worth being back in the spotlight."

Bullock has not previously performed at Radio City Music Hall, but was lucky enough to walk on stage and sing a few bars of "Tomorrow" from the musical Annie during a tour of the venue. Security personnel quickly removed him from the premises.

"I think they thought I was nuts or something," Bullock recalled. "All I wanted to do was live out my boyhood dream of dressing up like a 9 year old girl with red hair in ringlets and sing on a Broadway stage. I've been lucky enough to do both parts of that now, given that little incident, but putting the two together has proved more difficult."

Assam El-Kabnalel, the assistant manager at the Banana Republic's Rockefeller Center store, has not yet decided whether he will allow Bullock the time off to attend the event. Caputo told The Gerbil that in the event Bullock is not available, John C. Reilly is on call for the gig. "I'm not sure anyone would noticed if we made the switch," Caputo explained. "After all, the only real discernible difference is that one is slightly older and heavier. Couldn't tell you which was which, though."
posted at 5:04 PM

Paul O'Neill Hit with Batteries

BALTIMORE, MD: Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill was showered with batteries today during an appearance at Johns Hopkins University.

O'Neill, on hand to discuss "Fiscal and Tax Policy for the Internet Age," was met with choruses of boos from over 400 people dressed in shirts and hats of the Baltimore Orioles. Shortly into his speech, while discussing the impact of sagging Internet advertising revenues, he was clipped off the ear by a AA battery. That started a hail of batteries, mostly AA and AAA, but with many C, D, and 9 volt cells as well.

"O'Neill's a bum! A lousy, whiny bum!" yelled Craig Halloran, of Harve de Grace, Maryland, before letting loose with a barrage of AAs. "Every time something goes wrong, he just complains and complains. Take that!"

Similar invective was common throughout the crowd. "I can't stand his voice!" yelled Ron DeMatha, who was passing out C cells to other attendees. "Listen to him simper about tax rates! We all know Greenspan is the real player here! Go home, O'Neill," DeMatha bellowed, before tossing another battery.

Others justified the attack based on prior treatment of those they support. "When Governor Glendenning was at the National Governor's Conference last year, he was almost hit by a pocket knife someone threw," stated Zach Jans. "The way we see it, the only way to protect our own is to take similar action against their people," added Jans, before lobbing an old lantern cell at the podium.

Other attendees seemed confused by the rain of batteries. "I can't say I understand the reaction," noted Professor Kendrick Mathers, a former colleague of O'Neill's who arranged the lecture. "Maybe they think the tax cut should have been bigger. But they should be throwing batteries at Congress if that's the case."

O'Neill was rushed to Johns Hopkins Hospital, where he was treated for minor cuts and bruises. A Treasury Department spokesperson said O'Neill would be day to day, but expected he would be back by Thursday, when he's expected to speak at a conference in New York on tax credits for low income college students.
posted at 11:12 AM

Ford Emasculator Due in 2002

DETROIT, MI: The Ford Motor Company introduced its model line-up for 2002 today, and among the familiar names like Mustang and Escort was the new, maxi-sized sport utility vehicle named the Emasculator.

"We looked at the SUV market, and found that males were actually under-represented. We assume it's the soccer moms that have driven the market to now," said J. Paul Thorne, a Ford spokesman. "We feel that the Emasculator will appeal to men who want to express their masculinity through their automobile."

The Emasculator is a slight deviation from Ford's SUV line. The company that created the Explorer, which some tag as the model that launched the SUV craze, followed with the Expedition, a much larger model. Ford then retrenched somewhat with the Escape, a smaller model more in line with the Nissan Pathfinder. They then presented the Excursion, which is similar to the Chevrolet Suburban.

The Emasculator is bigger. In every way. It measures 21 and a half feet in length, seven and a quarter feet wide, eight feet high, and weighs 7122 pounds. It seats 13, or 10 with luggage.

"It's not just the size that will appeal to men," noted Thorne. "It's the whole package; the size, the look, the roar of the engine, the whole magilla."

The Emasculator comes standard with 1.3 million candlepower halogen headlamps, a horn that measures local noise conditions to blow up to 120 decibels, and a glass-pack dual exhaust to proivde a throaty roar from its Triton V-16 engine. It is also only available in black, navy blue, and forest green, with buckskin leather upholstery, rainforest wood interior paneling, and endangered leatherback turtle inlays.

Ford dismissed environmental and safety concerns. "Men don't worry about gas milage. Men can pay for their gas," noted Thorne.

As for tire explosions that plagued the Explorer, Thorne quipped "Tires? Do you see any tires on this thing? The Emasculator runs on a full track, just like a tank."

The Ford Outfitter division also announced two pacakges for prospective buyers. The first, created in conjunction with Black and Decker, is the Handyman. It includes built in battery chargers for power tools, a drop light with a 100 foot cord that extends from under the front bumper, and a table saw built under the last row of seats.

The other Outfitter package, the General, is a special version endorsed by the US Army. It includes Kevlar-composite body paneling, night vision technology, smoke canister launcher, and a mount for a .50 calibre machine gun for "hunting."

"Any American male who does not own the Emasculator will be less of a man," Thorne proclaimed. "That or they're whipped."
posted at 3:56 PM

Missing Roommate Found Buried in Basement

DAVIS, MA: A local man was arrested yesterday after a long police investigation led to the exhumation of his roommate from the basement of the house they shared for years.

Jon Arbuckle, 44, was arrested and charged with one count of second degree murder and one count of illegal disposal of a corpse. If convicted of both crimes, Arbuckle would spend life in prison without parole.

"He would never tell me his last name!" shouted Arbuckle, as he was being led away in handcuffs. Arbuckle was referring to his former roommate, known only as Lyman, with whom he lived for several years in the late 1970s and early 1980s.

Lyman disappeared several years ago, with no trace as to his whereabouts. Arbuckle stayed in the house after the disappearance, sharing it only with two pets. These were Arbuckle's large orange tabby cat, Garfield, and a dog named Odie that originally belonged to Lyman.

Ironically, police broke the case when, during their latest stop at the Arbuckle house to check on old leads, Odie dragged what later turned out to be Lyman's femur into the living room.

"It appears that Odie had been digging at the grave site for some time," noted police chief Mac Kyle. "The dog clearly did not want to see his master go undiscovered."

Neighbors and acquaintances did not seemed surprised at the developments. "Jon was a strange guy," said Jean Young, an assistant at the veteranarian's office where Arbuckle brought his animals. "He dressed in plaid and polka-dots, took dates to the cafeteria, he was just weird."

"You know that X-Files episode where the family on that farm turned out to be both the sons and brothers of the woman who lived there?" asked Ida Burnlee, Arbuckle's next door neighbor. "He was from a farm like that, from what I could tell. His whole family looked the same, and the sons seemed a little inbred."

Police sources refused to comment on Arbuckle's mental state, but sources did note that he often indicated that his cat Garfield talked to him. Sources also indicated that Arbuckle put most of the cat's comments in two categories: insults aimed at Arbuckle and demands for lasagne.

In a sad postscript, Garfield had to be put down due to his gross obesity. Odie has been adopted by the local police department. Police chief Kyle was unable to comment further on the animals, as he was investigating new developments in the decades-old flight of radical terrorist Chuck Cunningham.
posted at 9:08 PM

New Guy Smells Like Mothballs

GREENFIELD, MA: Various members of the Gerbil staff have come to the startling conclusion that the faint, acrid odor noticed throughout the office since last Monday is, in fact, directly related to the presence of Todd Parkham, the new mail guy.

Acting Editor Jack Finch was the first to notice the odd odor, when Parkham delivered an important FedEx to Finch in his office.

"There ain't a whole lot of air in this place," explained Finch, "and before too long it smelled just like my aunt's attic. Well, it smelled like how my aunt's attic used to smell, before she went up in search of her Arbor Day decorations last year, tripped over my cousin's 10th grade art class project, snapped her neck, died, and laid there in the stifling heat for 3 weeks. After that, it smelled different."

The topic even made it to the pitch meeting for cover story articles, though the crisis in China threatened to relegate it to the back pages. "We figured having Americans detained in a semi-hostile country was pretty important," said Finch,"so we assigned the space to our best International writer, Kevin Anderson. Unfortunately, Kevin is also our only writer with actual experience in writing news, and soon found employment at the Easthampton Ledger Star."

Parkham is quick to defend himself; "I don't smell like nothin'", stated Parkham. "If they all gots a problem, then they all can fuckin' take it up with me personably."

Finch stated that if the problem does not subside, he will push an appearance clause past the union and require Parkham to have his wardrobe laundered, or at least splash some Obsession on before entering the building.
posted at 12:02 PM

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