sunday, september 16 (9/16/2001 01:33:53 AM)  tonight was interesting. since i was on my own for dinner, i decided to take up a friend on his offer to take me out to dinner as a pseudo birthday present. i know. about a month late, but it was one of those iou kind of things. might as well hang out with one of the only friends i haven't alienated around here anyhow. c'est la vie. dinner was interesting, my niece deciding to take charge and attach herself to my friend instead of listening to me. so like my niece. whenever there is any sort of boy around, she'll attach herself to him like a hawk. seriously. she's only five, but man. girl's got chutzpah. later on, i made some revisions to my trip plans in about a week or so, and sat down to discover the world of oldies. with the whole not being able to listen to anything mood i've been in lately, this has been a very nice change. i'll sit down, listen to some shirelles and my spirits immediately lift up. it's little, it's meager, but it's something. and lately, it's the little things that have been spurring me up lately. i've also been listening to some more recover, although i'm sad to hear about how their singer dan, who apparently got himself into some sort of old fashioned bar room brawl (he seems too passive for that, but eh), fractured his jaw in two places and is currently undertaking some hospital time. and they might not even be able to finish up their tour due to lack of money, so their first ever national tour might have to be cut short. what a week to have everything suddenly happen. poor guys. my sympathies are with them. however, they're lucky boys compared to most others right now. the whole freaking world is going through insane grief, so eh. still, for a good band, that is a bit sad. again, must be one of them long weeks. i don't know why but i have this thing with guestbook etiquette. i'm such a nazi about lots of things relating to the internet because that's just the kind of geek that i am. nazi fascist geek. but still, not as bad as some others. and always cuter. i operate from a given set of rules and use it to govern my daily computer-related life. rule #621: never sign your own guestbook. i'm sorry but there are few to no exceptions for this. the few exceptions range in the "there's no other way for me to contact this person," and "it's something i have to defend" category. and even that has some holes in it. it's best quoted from a guestbook i've read recently where one of the overseers of the site signed, "i feel like such a tool signing my own guestbook." and he's right. he should very well feel like a "tool." it's something that warrants that bad feeling. like knowing the milk is expired, but really really really wanting milk with your cereal. you deserve the hours of stomach grinding that you get for doing that. otherwise, i just can't explain it. it's not a message board. don't treat it as one. don't think it's one. it only makes it look worse. it's almost like wearing the shirt of the band that you are going to see. for example, wearing a phish shirt if you were to attend a phish concert (to which i would advocate neither in the first place). in the words of some guy in some movie i can't remember, "there's always some guy that wears the shirt of the band that they're seeing. don't be that guy. just don't." of course, you can still do whatever you please. i may be some crazy nazi, but i'm not your mom. hehe. "your mom." okay, i feel and sound like i'm 12. i think it's the insane amount of cartoons i've been watching to avoid watching cnn constantly. i'm currently giggling at the stupidest things in the world and it feels great. also, i've had entirely too much coffee tonight. why? no reason. just because i felt like coffee would be good. why is it that the nights i need coffee to work for me, it knocks me out like a light. the nights i don't need coffee to keep me alert, it turns me into a manic insomniac? i need to write a manifesto.

saturday, september 15 (9/15/2001 02:55:12 PM)  i'm still tired and unwilling to write, but if i don't write now, i won't write later. a chain reaction will occur and i will end up napping and forgetting all about this. ugh. so this group project of mine. i've been complaining about this for months. random stuff like: "my group sucks," "god help me," and "why don't you just fail me now and save me the possibility of a stroke?" i've said a lot more, but some of it won't be published because even i have a sense of decency to what i publish. well, really i don't. but hey, i'm being good today. our group began with seven people. one person dropped from the class. one girl (this horrid fashion victim girl who's just a moron) never shows up to class. she was our "team captain" (not elected by me, mind you). one guy is the guy who keeps wanting to talk to me while i dictate/instruct the rest of the group members. he doesn't stop giggling and he does no work. he shows up to class less than i do. and that, in itself, is amazing. then there's one other guy. they call him "abba" for some reason. he never showed up to class. he sounded like a fucking moron the one time i heard someone talk to him. this leaves three people. one of whom is the giggly kroq guy. so we never even really began working on our project until two weeks ago. since the class was broken up into two groups, it was us and another group. the other group began six weeks ago. we began late because no one knew what to do and since i actually showed up to class (yes, i take blame for that), i made everyone start on a piece of the catapult. (we were building a trebuchet.) we had the thing about 90% finished by the end of last week. the two guys in my group told me that they would get it finished. since i had gotten all of the wood pieces measured and cut already, all they had to do was nail and drill the pieces together. so i put it into their hands. i walked into class on friday and everyone was there, standing in the front of the class. standing in front of two trebuchets. one looked strong and well-constructed. the other looked like it was going to fall apart. you can guess which one mine was. as i walked in, the kroq guy immediate came to me and was apologetic. somehow, i couldn't help but smile. this whole thing was so aggravating and taxing that i just had to smile at how it all came out. some other guy from the other group say that i was smiling and remarked, "man, connie's just like oh my god, you stupid people." but in all honesty, i was proud that they even finished the trebuchet. i honestly didn't even think they would finish it so seeing it in all its rickety glory was just too much of an amusing sight for me. it doesn't end there, however. our instructor is the stupidest instructor in the world. he's the one who shows us demeaning "learning videos" that you would otherwise show to elementary school students. he talked about how we were "irresponsible" and blah blah. and maybe 1/3 of it had relevance. first of all, asking us to do a fucking group project was ridiculous. asking us to do a group project whose goal was to build a catapult? one which we'll probably never have to do in our whole lives? beyond ridiculous. however, he did tell us that we would get good grades regardless since he did see us "take control" of the situation. that old bastard. i can't stand him. most math classes do homework and take tests. we make a fucking catapult. we never did one math problem in the whole ten weeks the class went on. ugh. and now that i write that out, it seems as if it was useless to even write. i'm tired and need to get out of the house. my mom was supposed to come back sometime this weekend. however, we're still up in limbo because she still has failed to contact anyone and international flights still aren't being allowed into the states. my sister said yesterday that maybe it was because she wasn't allowed to use the phone or that she couldn't call into the states. somehow, i don't think that's really probable, but then again, we're trying to grasp any kind of reasonable conclusion to attempt to soothe our nerves.

friday, september 14 (9/14/2001 08:04:49 PM)  i have a big commentary on today's events. yes, my group "project" was due in class today. no, our project did not come out as expected. but there's a whole story to that and frankly, i'm too tired to try to put the afternoon in words right now. instead, i ended up taking an online personality disorder/psychological profile. oh yeah, those are valid. but the results were kind of amusing. Paranoid: High Schizoid: Low Schizotypal: Moderate Antisocial: High Borderline: Very High Histrionic: Moderate Narcissistic: High Avoidant: Very High Dependent: Moderate Obsessive-Compulsive: High hey, i'm not a schitzoid. there's some relief there.

(9/14/2001 03:33:36 AM)  today was almost normal. i was finally able to listen to something else in the car other than some newsradio am station. i went to class, talked about projects, homework and final exams. then i went to the grocery store. during the afternoon, it isn't uncommon to see a lot of the elderly crowd at the grocery store, happily shopping and being very friendly to the other shoppers. the crowd that was there at the time i walked in was very close to the crowd that would normally occupy a grocery store at 11pm. it was quiet. the few people who were there weren't smiling. their faces almost stoic, as if they were walking through their very own daydream. it was extremely odd and just a bit disconcerting. as i finished my shopping, i stopped by the many newspaper slots outside of the entrance. there were three los angeles times slots and one daily news slot. they were all empty. i ended up finding a daily news newspaper slot somewhere across the street. i had purchased the very last issue, headlined "this is war." i find journalism headlines a very interesting thing. it's the thing that pulls you in, that gets you to buy the paper. however, in my case, it was the only paper available. but the headline wasn't shabby. i can't say the same for the san francisco examiner, whose day-after headline was "bastards!" tactful bunch, that staff. and nerves are still a bit shoddy. i hear that they've raided and arrested some men in some hotel in thailand, apparently because they had plans to bomb the embassy and there were bomb-related artifacts in their room. that just shakes me up. in one of the nicest gestures anyone i know has done so far, megyn informed me of some of the information regarding international flights and how they're going to be disallowed into the states until at least next week. then she said that she would tell me if she heard any other new information. and somehow, that gesture meant a lot to me. i realize that my worrying is probably unnecessary and silly, but it's valid for me. i need her to be safe. my sister and i aren't talking much on the issue mainly because we're both kind of afraid to talk about what might be going on or what could have gone on. we exchange short sentences, hoping to alleviate each other's nerves but failing horribly. anger and hesitancy just fills the apartment whenever she arrives home and the phone doesn't ring. and it still hasn't rung. my television is still tuned into most of the news, since it's practically unavoidable unless you care to tune into bad cable television programming. and even some of that is preempted. i've been watching interviews with former president bill clinton and he had some of the best things to say. and as much as i dislike politics and as much as i like to claim indifference toward political issues, i wouldn't mind it if mr. clinton was still in office right now and dealing with this matter. but again, i really can't criticize. i really shouldn't. it's been a fairly long day. i've had too much news for the time being and i believe it's time for comforting sleep.

thursday, september 13 (9/13/2001 11:38:56 AM)  it's so ridiculous. people, in fits of anger and panic, are attacking people of middle eastern descent. in some places, the people being attacked are, and i quote, "arab-looking and asian." i've had enough of listening to this. some of the media just won't stop showing those horrific scenes over and over again. it's time for a break. after finding out that a friend's friend's father was on one of those planes and panicking that one of the names of the passenger list was the name of my good friend's brother... it's just too much. i scoured the list of names of people they released on usatoday.com and realized, 'hey, that's daisy's brother's name.' and it almost started to set in. he worked for some big company. and he is prone to flying around the country a lot, according to daisy. i tore apart my room looking for her number, half frightened as to what i would find out. i finally found her number and called. her answering machine picked up. calmly and quietly, i left a short message voicing my worries, asking if her family was okay. an hour passed. then i received a phone call. daisy's bright voice filled the receiver. her brother was in fact, on a plane, but not out of new york. he was in the air as it happened, and consequently grounded in atlanta. i breathed a giant sigh of relief. then i realized, how many people are going through this, except without hearing the good news that i heard. it's worse than tragic. i later voiced my worries about not knowing the whereabouts of my mom, as she still hasn't contacted any of us. if the far-fetched possibility of us going into a war breaks out (and if it happens, i reckon it's going to break out pretty soon), i don't want my mother to be someplace overseas. i want her to be home. safe from any possible danger. i've already heard about random bombings going on in malaysia, and i worry about where the hell she is. this is going to turn me into a wreck.

wednesday, september 12 (9/12/2001 06:12:20 PM)  we spent two of the three hours of today's media class discussing or rather, throwing out conflicting opinions on what had happened. one friendly but stupid boy dispassionately remarked, "if they kill ten thousand of our people, we should kill ten thousand of their people!" i sat there, in the middle of class, with my head down, staring ahead. what a horribly ignorant thing to say. i don't know. being caught up in things, you don't think people would actually think things like that. but it's scary because in situations like this, how do you retaliate? when has there ever been a situation like this? my television has been stuck on cnn for the longest time, and there's this poll that says that a mere half of all americans are confident in our president and his abilities in this situation. and that's not a lot considering he's supposed to be our "leader" and such. i just don't necessarily like his cryptic, cliche addresses to the american public. i'm not looking to you to deliver a speech i saw in the movie "independence day," but that sounds like what i'm getting in return. but you know, i really shouldn't be a critic in this situation. no one should be, really. i went to donate blood today and waited for sometime around two hours. everyone there was somber and it was just a little bit strange. police officers were directing traffic into the parking lot. there were so many people there. it was a great act of humanity to see. and as much as they're "increasing and improving" security at airports, i'm extremely nervous about airplanes right now. i used to absolutely love flights. last week, i purchased a flight ticket out of lax, scheduled to leave in about a week and a half, and i'm highly second-guessing my purchase right now. sure, it's a one-hour flight. sure, the security is supposed to make you feel "safer," but the thought of being up in the air right now kind of sickens me. and we're still waiting on my mom.

(9/12/2001 12:58:22 AM)  a priest was killed by the collapse of the second tower while giving last rites to a firefighter who fell casualty to the first tower's collapse. i want to try to do something to take my mind off of this and maybe think about other things, but my worries are circling around nothing but what has happened in the states today. i can't imagine how most people feel right now, since the odds are that most people know someone who was involved in this. and it certainly doesn't help that i hear really loud, low-flying aircraft go over my apartment every five minutes or so. this is like a horrible disaster movie. even tom clancy said that he would've never written a book remotely like this because he never thought something like this would be possible. and at a time like this, i can't help but feel like our media system is just ridiculous. it's one thing to be looking at a photo of an event, but it's another to be looking at a photo of someone's death. and there's no doubt that this photo is a much public documentation of someone's death. oh. and if you could, could you replay that footage you have of the second plane flying into the building a few more times, and in succession, even? i have a niece who hasn't quite been traumatized yet. i took a nap, wanting to not hear about it for a while. i woke up, and the tv was still blaring. and as my eyes adjusted to the light of the screen, the images i saw horrified me. videocameras captured victims falling or jumping off high floors of the towers and they were airing the footage on television. i began to see figures just coming off of the building, one by one, one after another. my eyes watered up and my throat tightened. i couldn't believe people were just watching this. how could you stand there and videotape someone falling to their death? sure, they didn't show the body hitting the ground, but they might as well have. cameras zoomed in on wiry figures that seemed to detach themselves from the tower while cries of "oh my god" rang on in the background. and various family members have been calling the apartment and asking if we had heard from my mom yet, since apparently, she's called no one since her departure on sunday. and even though logic dictates i should have nothing to worry about, i can't help but worry. i'm absolutely terrified right now. my sister began talking to me after having not acknowledged my existence for almost two weeks now. she asked if i had heard from mom. i said no. i could hear the worry in her voice. then she said softly, "if the phone rings tonight, no matter how late, wake me up." today needs to end.

tuesday, september 11 (9/11/2001 01:43:35 PM)  so i've been trying to get to blogger.com all morning, but for some reason, the internet service at my school decided to be choosy. but all i can say really, is my god. obviously, everyone knows about what had happened this morning, so i won't repeat the grotesque events that went down. i had been working on my two projects all night, with the television on mute the whole time. sometime around 6:15am, i glanced at my television and wondered why george w. bush was talking live on the news. so i listened in and was confused when he put his head down for a moment of silence. i continued watching and was absolutely aghast at what i saw. apparently, most of the morning news ended up catching footage of the second kamikaze airplane flying right into the building and it was just really shocking. like watching some really bad big budget hollywood action movie, except that this was real life. and i wasn't dreaming. i know it's cliche to talk about all of this stuff and express concern, but any humane person would feel for this thing. the possibility that there might've been over 10,000 fatalities? i was never this empathetic for tragic events like the previous bombing of the world trade center, or even the oklahoma bombing, as bad as that was. i recognized that it was a horrible event, but it never bothered me that much. it's not that i don't have a heart, or a soul for that matter, but something about this particular event bothered me personally. as i sat in class, i attempted to look up any news on the event, hoping to find out more that i had already known. and the whole morning was strange. almost as if i was walking through a frosted glass glaze, i listened to the reporters on some am newsradio station talk frantically about the happenings as i drove to class early this morning. one of the things that really bothered me was just before one of the buildings collapsed. the reporter was reporting live and talking about the fire in the tower when she suddenly screamed, started yelling "oh my god!" and began to cry. you could literally hear the absolute terror in her voice when she screamed as the tower began to collapse right next to her. they cut her live broadcast and went to some guy in the studio. i couldn't believe what i was hearing. it didn't sound real, how could it be real? then i began to scour through the different articles. the more i read, the more it difficult it was to swallow. "A person who answered the phone on the trading floor at interdealer-broker Cantor Fitzgerald, located near the top of the World Trade Center, said "We're f---ing dying,'' when asked what was happening, and hung up. There was screaming and yelling in the background. A followup call was not answered." and the humanity (or indication of lack of) in that quote just struck me for some reason. and it's frightening. i've been in the world trade towers before. we tried to go to the higher floors, but for some reason, we didn't. but i remember running around the place and playing with their revolving doors. then i remember taking pictures of the place, in awe of how tall the buildings were. and to think that, that very building ended up killing so many thousands of people, all in a matter of a short period of time.. i also read some other ap article, that was rampant with quotes from onlookers. "it looked like metal shards falling from the building, debris falling from the top floors of the building. but when i looked with binoculars, they were people falling and jumping off the building." and even smiling seems disrespectful to what has happened and to the people this has happened to. and it's amazing that i'm watching this horrific part of history go down in infamy. with all of the people in new york, i hope that "and"rew (and his family) and pressman are doing fine and far away from the madness that has become the world trade center. and as if i wasn't already nervous about my mom's safety flying back from thailand later this week. i don't think i'm going to be calm until she arrives back here at home. safely. and she will. i hope she calls soon. she told me she would call when she arrived in thailand. i haven't heard from her yet. i hope she calls soon.

monday, september 10 (9/10/2001 10:32:07 PM)  i think i've been spending too much time snacking on candy corn, because i'm actually noticing cavities that i've never noticed before. so really, that can't be good. but it's like some sick kind of taste in candy, this like for candy corn. i've been told twice that it's disgusting, and i don't exactly look upon it as the best kind of candy in the world, but i just can't get away from it. ugh. i received my firewire cable in the mail today and as excited as i am about finally be able to load clips onto my computer, i have so much to do and i can't afford to waste the computer time that it would take to load two hours of footage when i have projects and essays due everywhere. so the other night, i talked about watching the mtv movie awards and had this weird feeling how britney spears wasn't exactly singing during her performance, and to my delight, i found out that i was right! apparently, she was lip-synching pretty badly and i wasn't the insane one who noticed it. glad to know i have most of my marbles intact. and i'm debating between making a drive up to whole foods to buy some healthy snacks for tonight (i doubt i'll get any sleep) or make a shorter trip to 7-11 to get coffee and candy. i live with such dilemmas. i even bet that i won't get started on my two sites (due tomorrow) until sometime past midnight. you know, midnight, my prime time to work on anything. sigh. no rest, no rest.

(9/10/2001 11:48:22 AM)  so i spent four hours last night trying to finish up my business plan proposal. a ten-page whopper, that details a business that i am to start up, market, finance, etc etc. why the hell am i doing this? oh, that's because it's my e-commerce class. three things that i highly dislike: business, anything-commerce, and class-related. except for my big media final. that's going to be fun. since my credit card has been spazzing out on me, any kind of charges i made to it were cancelled. including a trip i was going to make in two weeks. so i called up my friendly discover card agent, and they told me that my card was put on "security hold." the lady who helped me was actually really friendly, so this made it easier not to get angry. apparently, there was some charge that caused speculation of whether or not i was using the card or not. later, i found out the charge in question was at some unocal, which means a 76 gas station. that's odd. i've been using 76 gasoline for years now, and i almost always charge it to my card when i'm gassing up the car. so why now? they never gave me a clear reason. but they apologized and gave me the green light to continue spending. so i'm happy. i'm still tired. i set my alarm for 9am, so i could wake up and complete some extra missing assignments i needed to turn in, but i kept rolling around until 11am, which is basically the time i usually wake up for class, sans the time to complete any remaining homework. sigh. and tonight's going to kill me. i have two complete company store websites to finish, one in flash and one in html. i've barely decided on a layout and i'm just lazy. ugh. i don't know why i post when i'm half-conscious and really have nothing to say. ack. off to class.

sunday, september 9 (9/9/2001 12:44:48 PM)  things that displease me: the floor being too hard to sleep on waking up at noon when i usually wake up from 2-4pm my mom's old, old, old boyfriend wishing i had purchased that red recover shirt at the show (goddamnit) waiting for the firewire cable i ordered to be shipped to me so i can begin editing two weeks of finals wondering if i should travel during the two weeks i have off after finals end the stereo touring (breaks my heart for some reason) mounting, constant, irreversible debt my discover card being rejected at a gas station when i know i still have a lot of credit left on the card choosing to be alone rather than be with friends who just don't care anymore the weather making your face break out, and/or just feel disgusting webcams that don't work funyun breath and those are my thoughts for today. nothing organized, nothing that flows. that's just how today has been.

(9/9/2001 03:03:24 AM)  after making a strangely timed trip to 7-11 for some much needed coffee, i'm beginning to feel pretty scraggly right now. that's right, i'm too lazy to make my own coffee. i spend an hour washing and drying the dishes, but i'm too lazy to make my own coffee. anyhow, i'm watching rushmore for the 5th time today. actually, during the second and third time the dvd repeated itself, i was in the other room, attempting website designs for my web design final, due this tuesday. and technically, as it's showing right now, i'm paying scant attention to it, as the nice glow of my computer offers more comfort than the movie does. although i'm beginning to have favorite parts of the movie now. mainly the whole revenge war scenes between the two characters, max fischer and mr. blume. it's just too great. so my mom and her boyfriend leave to thailand tomorrow, for about a week. as much as my mom's been ignoring me and the like, i'm a bit worried. i don't know. it's a natural tendency to worry about something like this, right? i hate that her boyfriend is such a weak-willed person. well.. i'd probably hate it more if he was an aggressive jerk who ordered my mom around. but he's such a ninny that it just makes me wonder how he's going to support my mom. it's kind of scary. i walked by the room he's taken board in and spotted him sleeping. he's about 70+ years old or something. it literally looked like he was dead. i watched him for a few minutes, until he finally stirred. after that, i figured it was safe and went about my own business. but it was still frightening for the time being. and he's creepy as well. it aggravates the hell out of me whenever i really need to use the restroom and as i walk in, i see that the toilet seat is up. i can't fucking stand that. i don't tolerate anyone being as inconsiderate as that. first of all, you're in someone else's house. secondly, you're in a house that happens to be occupied solely by women. third of all, that's just fucking gross. really disgustingly gross. ugh. ugh! anyhow, the coffee did nothing for me. i feel like crashing so terribly at this moment. after feeling ditched (an eye for an eye, i suppose), ignored and belittled today, i feel as if sleep would do me some good.

saturday, september 8 (9/8/2001 04:40:09 PM)  i'm feeling horrendously weird right now. maybe it's the feeling of being pms-y (i don't really think that's possible) or the feeling of having nothing to look forward to. i mean, what do i have to look forward to? homework? finals? presentations i don't have ready yet? i could actually be working. i could be productive right now. i could be so productive right now. but i'm sitting in the living room, watching bad comedy central 80s teen flicks (which are wholly better than 90s teen romps, but who's comparing?). there is a huge array of really good vegetarian takeout food in the kitchen for some reason, but i just want a cup of coffee and a small bag of chips. i'm feely grody today, so i feel that grody food deserves my attention. moving on, i'm probably going to watch my rushmore dvd again, since there is little else on television and i've just been watching that movie all too much since i received it as a birthday present. it's odd how that movie will remind me of high school. i remember it being released when i was a senior in high school, and there was this big hoopla with my being able to attain the press kit for that movie. this was when i was still starry-eyed over phantom planet and that whole crew. i've since changed my opinions of that whole crowd, but i can still remember my good-friend-at-the-time telling me every little factoid about jason schwartzman and the rest of the phantom planet gang when she would "hang out" and "party" with them whenever she visited LA and such. i'd get all the best gossip in the world, and god knows how much i live for any sort of catty gossip there is. but the more gossip i learned about this kid, the less i liked him. and even though that doesn't defer from the fact that he's a pretty decent actor, it does zilch for the empathy aspect of the movie. however, i adore bill murray (sans what about bob?). so that in itself makes the movie for me.

(9/8/2001 03:34:35 AM)  i had a very long day today. but aren't fridays always long? i ended up showing just how much i hate my classmates today with dirty looks and exasperated sighs. the instructor called me candice, to which he was greeted with a cold stare and mean thoughts. then another hour in traffic, and home. it hasn't been as nice as it has been recently. just "hanging out" where i feel most comfortable. never having to get out of my pajama pants. never having to fix my hair or unshine up my face to go out. never having to worry about devil sun rays that turn my skin a crispy brown. it's great. this weekend should prove to be great, though. apparently, all of my final projects are due next week. all the websites, all of the business proposals, essays, presentations, etc. i don't think i've ever gone into something as unprepared as i am going into this. i don't even have a clue as to what i'm doing with most of this stuff. but again, i work well under pressure. i don't necessarily like working under pressure, but i work well under it. well meaning quick, not quality-ridden. and if those two paragraphs seemed hollow and just dead, it's because i poured a lot of myself into an email i spent much too long writing. it wasn't emotional in any sort of way, but it was a good act of closure or option for beginning. i'm just tired of being coy. i'm not good at being sly. i never have. so making myself something i'm really not is just eating away at me. especially when i'm making myself something in order for someone to form an opinion of me that i can safely approve of. why should i really care anymore? i get in these weird moods where i need approval from others, and then there are times when i could care less about anyone's opinions of me. but i always care a little bit. i've never been immune to biting remarks; my ego isn't quite that healthy. but in this circumstance, it's not me. and i won't have it. if i beat around the bush, my writing would be as vague as most of the kids on makeoutclub (where, oddly enough, if you search for band names, no other band/performer will come up with as many entries as dashboard confessional. and that, sir, makes you think. or at least it makes me think, because i judge people by stuff like this. you know. because i'm superficial and elitist like that)... which it sometimes is. but i try not to make it so. and trying's worth a bag of chips, of course. and i'm falling asleep as brain candy is playing on the usa network, which is the first time i've seen it on some network cable/tv-ish sort of medium. i've almost forgotten how much i love those guys. this entry was useless. and now the medicine is kicking in so i'm about to klunk out.

friday, september 7 (9/7/2001 02:29:47 AM)  my mom's boyfriend is in town visiting her, so technically, i get to sleep out in the living room, on the futon. but since the futon is too short (my legs dangle over if i try to lay flat on it), i usually opt for the floor. so floor space it is. i'm a bit annoyed at the fact that i ended up missing letterman tonight because of the stupid mtv video music awards. i had subconsciously reminded myself all week that jimmy eat world was going to be on david letterman's show on thursday night. so every night this week, i've been tuning in, simply because i have no internal calendar and i think every day is thursday. plus, there was never anything on television so i would always remember. but tonight, i caught myself watching the stupid mtv awards. watching nsync win awards were fun, however, but watching britney really obviously lip-synch through her performance was kind of sad. regardless, i ended up completely forgetting about jimmy eat world and missing it altogether. it didn't even hit me until someone asked me if caught letterman tonight. argh. i began to play around with imovie on my lovely tobey, for the first time tonight. the first time since purchasing this laptop, almost a year ago. but i was amazed at how easy it was and how much i could do with it. i won't be using it for my final project, but i'm probably going to use it to make a stupid little movie for fun. oh, fun it'll be. i've been waiting for the weekend all week now. it's strange how this week has seemed so atrociously long. my niece began her stint in elementary school earlier this week and i'm so proud of her. i picked her up from her first day of class and she had already made a new friend. of course, being the elitist snob that my niece is, she didn't even know her name, but still. it's the principle of the matter. but the best thing was that she told me how much she loved her new school. and i couldn't have been happier for her. i remember liking elementary school when i began. then you went into the upper divisions of the elementary school ranks, and that is where you just die. this is where kids are cruel, heartless and fickle. i hated it. i just hope my niece fares better than i did. ugh. i hate kids. especially those who gave me trouble back in grades 3-6 in elementary school. and dozing off is a good alternative right now.

thursday, september 6 (9/6/2001 02:33:11 PM)  spent most of yesterday feeling nicely awake. for the first time in a few weeks, i was actually fresh feeling and not draggy. however, that changed when i woke up this morning for class. as usual, of course. however in my slumberish state, i was greeted with a batch of great emails that made me laugh all too much. on a sidenote, my lovely friend danielle is so not insane. she thinks she be insane, but she be not. while in goleta, i whispered to megyn that, "hey, the recover singer guy is kinda really cute." and she nodded. then we talked about it later, and she was talking about the really tall.. really skinny singer, dan. i was talking about the shorter, tummy-bearing robert. this always happens. everytime i usually mention something like that, the person i'm with will always just give me the strangest look and think that i have the worst taste in the world. which i actually kind of do, but i'd prefer to call it eclectic rather than "bad." i'm so damn tired. sitting here in javascript never infuses me with any sort of energy. it's like it sucks me into this void where i just feel lethargic and dumb. not just dumb, but incredibly dumb. it's not that the instructor doesn't try. he really does try, and i even try to pay attention. but i've known for a long time now that i have the limited attention span of a 4-year-old. and most of the things being taught are things that i ended up teaching myself years ago, when i just started to learn html by myself. i really don't mean to sound any holier than i actually am since i know that i have so many things to learn. but teach me something i want to learn. make use of my time. be fucking productive once in a while. ugh. my rant for today. finished.

wednesday, september 5 (9/5/2001 10:40:04 AM)  i ended up passing out last night sometime around 6:30pm/7pm and didn't wake up until sometime around 9am this morning. which is really amazing, considering i slept for over 12 hours straight. i guess i was making up for lack of sleep for the past three days. ugh. it felt really nice waking up this morning actually refreshed. the only thing was waking up to hearing my mom refer to me on the phone as a "slut" (translated from chinese) and then slapping my side to wake me up so she could tell me to pick up my niece from kindergarten at noon. that wasn't so nice. but at least she's not ignoring me anymore, right? i guess so. so i woke up and finished the journal entry i meant to finish last night, which is just more rambling about the weekend, so it's nothing even vaguely interesting. and on a slightly funny note, i found a review for monday night's show extravaganza. the review isn't exactly the best review (the writer had a lot of incorrect info), but the funniest thing is the picture they used with the article. the caption reads rory phillips, but the picture is of ross recover. kind of sad, but funny regardless since the picture is ross with a stupid look on his face. homework. homework homework homework. i need to stop lagging. seriously now.

tuesday, september 4 (9/4/2001 12:56:01 AM)  so tonight was the last night of the three-day impossibles/recover california tour leg, and they couldn't have ended it any better than they did. and i don't think i can be any happier that i have all of the great parts on tape, which is going to make for some great footage for my documentary. i ended up with about 50 minutes of footage tonight, which is more than both saturday and sunday night footage combined. tonight was just weirdly amazing. it started off iffy, however. my situation at home right now is not the best, so it was really nice just leaving this place. i went to mariana's apartment because she wanted me to visit and such. so i left to her apartment and met her really nice apartment-mates. we left to the coffeehouse place the boys were playing at sometime around 6ish. the coffeehouse was located in such an area that if i hadn't had mariana guiding me, i would've been running around campus like mad for hours. hours. it's located in the middle little atriumish place in between three giant buildings. what a great location for kids who aren't familiar with the campus. anyhow, there was a really bad opening band, so we sat out by the bike racks for a while until recover played. mariana wanted to leave to do some homework, but promised she'd be back for the impossibles set. after a while of just watching kids mingle, i went into the coffeehouse to watch recover set up their equipment, as this really unfunny guy "warmed" up the crowd with bad jokes. it was really funny though, because two of the recover guys were onstage setting up their guitars and stuff, and as the emcee would tell stupid jokes that all of the usc kids would laugh at, the recover guys would just give the emcee the most confused, boggled look and just not laugh. i thought that was the best. anyhow, i'll keep the synopsis short because i still need to write a really long journal entry for this past weekend. which, since i'm lazy, will probably be written and posted tomorrow. not tonight. no no. recover played an absolute awesome set, better than the night before. they were mad crazy, spastically rocking the stage. i absolutely adore bands who mad rock it out onstage. this was no exception. river city high was next, so i went outside to sit all by my lonesome. it was interesting, however. i sat there, watching most of the kids and listening to their (mostly stupid) conversations. i was the only one sitting by myself until rory came over to talk for a bit, until his voice died out (literally) and he went off to get some tea and cough drops. then i just watched more of the "punk" mohawk-wearin' kids outside talk about how ska was still great. for a while, i sat there and actually seriously contemplated driving away from los angeles altogether, because for a minute, i was hit by this sudden, irrational fear of home. i didn't want to go home. i was really afraid to go home. it's not like they'd yell at me (now, at least), but today has been like i haven't been here. they've been ignoring me, and if we happen to make eye contact, i'll just get really horrible glares. after thinking about that for a while, i realized that river city high had finished, so i went into the coffeehouse to get a good place to stand so i could tape. and oh, the impossibles. again, this show just proved why i love them so much. i don't think i've seen them play as well as i have as of late. it seems as though they get better every tour i see them on. gabe had a new haircut, so i guess he felt it was time for a new gabe to emerge, because he was such the animated boy at the mic. and since i'm saving most of my synopsis for those who actually care to read what happens, i'll just give a short little list of things that made my night. craig's bass going out, and gabe entertaining the audience with jokes about genitals. gabe jumping on top of an amp, doing an ass dance for everyone, then screaming out at the audience dan from recover jumping onstage and singing in during the atdi's "star slight" cover craig and gabe hopping around the stage like bunnies, waiting for rory to tune up his guitar rory and gabe doing hick accents and talking about when they used to "sleep together" craig rolling around on the floor (never get tired of that) the sound guys shutting off gabe's mic and gabe screaming how they had "emasculated" him gabe telling everyone to "keep it real" as he left the stage, rockstar style i know i talk about them too much, but they made me laugh so hard, it was really difficult keeping my hand still as i was taping most of the shenanigans. they weren't performing at their absolute best tonight, but god, i don't think i've ever seen a more entertaining impossibles show live, or even on tape. and for that 35 minute set, i completely forgot about everything that was bothering me. anything that might've been creeping around in the back of my mind. everything that was going wrong at home, and was already wrong at home. for those few minutes, i laughed and enjoyed myself. and i felt great. this whole weekend was great. laughing in the car with megyn always makes me like everything a little bit better. i love it when she visits. the night ended perfectly with some extra footage with the boys. i said my goodbyes, and realized that mariana had never come back. so apparently, i was ditched. i eventually found my way to the outside of campus and walked about five blocks to my car. but that didn't even matter because i was still feeling great. but now i have to face everything that i put on the back burner as i went out and enjoyed myself. i've never been more grateful for school.. ever.