6.30.2001

Beatitudes: Blessed are the poor in spirit: for their's is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for their's is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
Matthew 5:3-12.

I'm not sure if, or when I will write here again. I pray that I do, but until that day I mourn.

6.29.2001

I am employed again: I signed up at the temp agency yesterday- and this morning they called me with a job offer for next week! That was really quick, and it pays really well, and it'll give me something to do during the day so I don't sit around bored out of my mind. And the experience and all that. But the money, that's what I'm looking forward to. The money. Money. Mmmmm.

Details: Last night was such a blast. I can't remember the last time I had such a good time. You know how, a lot of the time, what was to you a really great night becomes a boring story when you try and tell someone? Not this one. This one was exhilerating and awesome and the details of it are fascinating in every way.
But just to spite my dear friend Annemarie and Katie Evans, I'm not saying one word about it. Hee hee. I love being cruel.

6.26.2001

Buying Machine: I am the proud new owner of 6 CDs and 1 book today. I went out with Kristin (to the beach for lunch and we stopped by Virgin), and when I came back home, the CDs I had bought off my own wishlist (because you all suck and won't buy me things) were here! So today, in my possession:
Lifehouse, "No Name Face"
Athenaeum, "Radiance"
Evan and Jaron
Gorillaz
Radiohead, "OK Computer" and
Creeper Lagoon, "Watering Ghost Garden".
These are all bands that are pretty new to me- I've heard a song here or there, or they've been suggested to me but I've never heard them at all. Athenaeum, for example- never heard a single one of their songs, all I know is that according to Amazon.com, people who bought bands whose CDs I already have, have also bought them. So I'm giving it a shot. I have money to burn, right? I might as well burn it on music. After all, all the music that I've gotten into recently I got into because I totally took a chance on something I wasn't used to. Seems like that's the way to get awesome new music.
Ellie is responsible for my buying the Gorillaz, Radiohead, and Creeper Lagoon CDs... She played me songs by the first two and I liked them, and I already had the second Creeper Lagoon CD, but she told me their first CD was way better, so I'm giving that a shot, too. Anyway, this is 5+ solid hours of music so I probably won't be able to hear it all tonight... But I'll just finish tomorrow. If you guys have heard these bands and you like them and have other bands you'd like to suggest to me, go right ahead. I love getting new music.

6.25.2001

I hate: Having to post big, important parts of my life on my private site because I don't know how to package them for the entire planet. I've gotten through so many of my problems by writing about them on here, it's not right for me to sneak it away somewhere else because I'm embarassed or ashamed or afraid... I know people say that writing in a journal is therapeutic just because you're getting out your emotions, but a lot of it to me is that for all that I go through, good or bad, there're still hundreds of people that read and respect what I have to say. I wonder if that level of respect would be constant if I said all I had to say. Maybe one day I will.

Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaah!: Billy and Jessica are getting married. I have been reading both of them for as long as I've been blogging, and I love them both from the bottom of my blogging heart. I wish you guys all the best, I know you'll be happy forever.

The Schizophrenic Monologues: I've been feeling the urge to get in shape again.
Brain: OK, lazy-ass, time to get to the gym.
Body: I'll pass on that, thanks much.
Brain: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. You're getting love handles! You aren't going to college with love handles.
Body: They aren't love handles, they're... Sex grips.
Brain: Shut up. You need a six pack, pecs, and some arms to carry around all those books and get some looks.
Body: Did you just rhyme?
Brain: I'm your brain. That's what I do. If you get fat, I refuse to cooperate with any of your nefarious schemes-to-be for the rest of your short, pudgy life.
Body: You're evil. I hate you.
Brain: Yes, but I'm the part of you that needs to look in the mirror, and you're what I have to see. Get up out of your chair.
Body: Fine, fine, fine. Tomorrow.

6.24.2001

UCSD in 2002: Newsweek's new #1 Party School: Sorry for remaining incommunicado for so long. I left for orientation Thursday night, and didn't get home until Saturday afternoon- and then didn't even come online.
Besides sit through a bunch of lectures telling us about college and our requirements for graduation and the like, the main thing we did was sign up for our classes this fall. My schedule: Spanish Literature 2B, Making of the Modern World 1, Introduction to Acting, and French 1A.
Anyway, so that was that, the excitement really came in meeting so many new people.
The first guy I spoke to, Brendan, I spoke to because I overheard him talking to someone else about how he was taking a trip to Spain the week after orientation. Naturally, as soon as the word "Spain" fell upon my ears, I entered the conversation and let him know what an awesome experience he was going to have. Turns out that he lives mere miles from where I live, and we decided we'd hang out this summer after he came back from Spain.
There was this other guy, Todd, that really frustrated me because he was clearly smarter than me and so aloof about it. I'm going to have to develop some kind of humility when I go to college or else I doubt I'll make it through a quarter. He was double majoring in Latin American studies and Urban Planning... and his score on the spanish placement test was one point higher than me. Anyway, no, I'm not dwelling. Good for him, he's better than me. We're both going to be in the same spanish class, so I figure it would be cool to make study groups or something so we could all help each other out.
One guy, Brandon, kept joking around that he only got in to play water polo, but I'm doubting that's the case because from his papers and the classes he was taking... looks to me like the bastard is one of those "I'm smart and athletic, take that, bitch" types.
Let me interrupt myself here briefly- for all that I sound bitter, I swear I'm not. With the exception of "wisdom teeth boy" whom you guys don't need to hear about, there wasn't a single person at orientation that I wouldn't love to get to know better. It's just that, honestly, it's hard for me- it's a little bit scary... intimidating, if you will, to have grown up in a situation where I was so clearly elevated in skill and intelligence compared to the people around me, and then be thrust into a group of people- hundreds of them- that I clearly view as better than me (and whoever knows me at all knows that's a classification I rarely bestow upon anyone). Moving on.
I think the person I connected with most was this girl named Ivette. She was from the Bay Area, and I found her to be a very interesting person to talk to. She was opinionated but not rude, confident but not egotistical (which wouldn't have been a bad thing, per se, but still), and very outgoing and nice to everyone around. We share a lot of common interests and we like the same movies and music. She caught on to my egotism faster than anyone else but also understood the fact that I'm just confident and act egotistical for the humor aspect. It was nice not having to explain that for once. I met her on Friday night as a group of about ten of us were sitting around talking about the lamentable party situation at UCSD. We made a pact- we're going to turn UCSD's reputation around. Starting next year, we're going to be the smart kids that know how to kick back and have some fun. USD and SDSU will come to us. I think we got a good start on that, too. We went down to the Price Center (UCSD's quad) and kicked it until half past midnight. There were these two Janitors who used their keys to let us in everywhere- we hit up the billiards room but the balls were locked away... And when we decided to leave, they let us hop into their little janitor-trucks and raced each other back. It was a trip. ... Well, it was more fun than it sounds, at any rate. Anyway, I gave Ivette the address to the site, so if you're reading this, hi, and my magnificent art-like pieces of prose I overglorifyingly described can be found in the following three posts.
There were lots of other people I met that made really good impressions on me, but these were the most interesting.
It's really crazy meeting these people who I've never seen before in my life, and knowing that they're the ones I'll be spending the next four years with. I've already changed and grown so much in the last four years, and those were with the same people I've known all my life. How are four thousand strangers going to influence me? I can't wait to find out.

And I bet you five bucks that "wisdom teeth boy" is going to end up as my roommate.

6.21.2001

I am so graduate-ated: And as such, I refuse to think for about a week, and that includes proper spelling and grammar. Unless, by some freak accident (though I promise you, not by design), I happen to do things correctly.
It's difficult to describe the feeling you get when you are standing next to five hundred of the people that you have shared your best and worst times with, who have seen your smiles and your tears, and have or haven't been there for you for whatever reason. Even the people I've never talked to are familiar faces; even the people whose necks I'd like to wrap my hands around have taught me valuable lessons.
Our graduation was at 7 in the evening. It seems like that's an odd hour to have a ceremony, but I thought it was perfect. The sun is setting on a brilliant and glorious era of our lives, only fitting that it should also do so during the ceremony that celebrates it all. Hearing the voices of the administrators and students more-esteemed-than-I is an experience of particular note, knowing that, while our entire class seems prophecied to contain the movers and shakers of our future world, these were the ones who motivated us- pressed us forward to accomplishment and taught us that no matter how sure we are of our own sui generis, our deiousness, there's always someone who surpasses you, who having cast a shadow on your brilliance, teach you to endure and reach further for the light.
A stadium of six thousand well-wishers are watching, and though I definately don't know most of them, I do know who they are here for, and their presence in support of my friends makes me happy. Six thousand people who didn't even come for me will never know how happy I was to see them.
A teacher I've never met before says my name; an administrator who has no idea who I am wishes me good luck and means it, a photographer doesn't need to tell me to smile because I am happy, and I have succeeded, and I am in my moment finally as a member of one of the most blessed groups of people on earth- the youth, who, in the span of their lives will never realize that before them lies more opportunity and blessing then most of the planet ever gets to see.
As collectively as the subconscious that makes us who we are, the class of 2001 moved their tassels from the right to the left, and, only upon tossing the cap into the sweet atmospheric oblivion do I realize that the sun has set on but a portion of my life, and a million sunrises are yet to come.

6.20.2001

Final Thoughts: Walking to the parking lot after senior breakfast was over was a journey unto itself. The sun was shining unobstrusively, the breeze whipped through the halls like God's apology for the high pressure system, and the sound- five hundred plodding seniors turned speechless by the moment- was exquisite.
I walked with Jessica, who expressed her sentiment that it didn't all go exactly to plan, but she did the best she could for what she had.
I agreed that our grand plan was far from the direction we ended up taking, but we're on our paths now, and it's over.
I didn't say the words out loud, but I couldn't get them out of my head.
It was good.

6.19.2001

Summer: We weren't talking about what projects we still had due, or what we were planning on doing during our vacation. We didn't talk about anything. The most profound thing we said the entire time was probably, "we shouldn't have built it so close to the water."
Tomorrow night, we're adults, but today we are kids with a mission... to give mother nature the finger and protect our god-damn castle with all our sand engineering know-how, and shovels and buckets we 'stole'. With every rising wave, with every recalcitrant drop, our castle comes closer and closer to destruction, but we won't let up.
Until the waves start to look good, so we forget about the castle and go play in the water- until that gets old, so we come back to the sand and dig a big hole.
Tomorrow night, we will be high school graduates. Today, we play in the sand.
Tomorrow we won't have an excuse anymore.
Today, we don't need one.
Tonight, thirty or so of my friends are meeting for dinner at Downtown Disney. Except for grad night, it'll probably be the last time we hang out like that as a group. But it will be a perfect ending to a perfect experience that only one word can describe.
Wow.

6.18.2001

Graduation Presents: I'm really looking forward to all the wonderful presents my considerate friends and family and readers will get me for graduation. I wish there was some way to help them know what to get me. I love getting presents.

What we have here is a failure to communicate: And it's all your fault. If you guys were dumb enough to listen to all the reptitive and monotonous crap I have to say, I would be able to post more often. But since I don't want to bore you all to death with the same old stories of nothing, nothing, and nothing, I haven't been posting.
I actually feel really weird about it because this site is my outlet... and I haven't been pouring anything out, so I'm wondering if my emotional systems have shut down, or what.
Anyway, this week I have a lot going on. Today is my interview at Banana Republic- so you can be sure I'll have a lot to say about that. Tomorrow is our Commencement rehearsal, wednesday morning is Senior Breakfast and at seven o'clock (oh my god) I graduate. Thursday evening I leave for Orientation at UCSD where I'll be until saturday evening.
And that's the table of contents of my week.
And you know what I'm doing until my interview? I'm cleaning my room. I'm pulling out everything I don't need and putting it into piles. The trash pile, the keep pile, and the bonfire pile. I've got so much stuff that I would just love to burn, like notes from middle-school sweethearts, my freshman year writing portfolios, and SAT notecards (Screw you, SAT! I owned you!).
So, I'll still be updating off and on this week- with about the frequency as I have been this past week, but hopefully during the summer blogging (and my life) will pick up again.

6.15.2001

Shivers: Today was the last day of school. Put that way, it almost sounds trivial, but to any high school seniors reading this, I think you know what I mean.
That bite-the-bullet-this-is-it-guys-5-4-3-2-1-happy-new-year anticipation/dread that slowly expands into existence before it erupts into this unfathomably intense emotion so strong that nothing else matters. That people I've known never to shed a single tear in the six or eight years I've known them just suddenly break down into human beings who don't need walls anymore, who just want their friends to know how much they are loved and how important they are to each other.
Oh and by the way, that 'C' I was killing myself to get in math? I didn't get it.
I got a 'B'.

6.12.2001

Hanging by a Moment: A lot's gone in this last year, there've been ups and downs, confusion, irritation, insanity, and chaos. Most importantly, there's been bliss, and if I could pick just one day out of these last four to remember for the rest of my life, it would be today.
We gave our speeches today for our mock-election in government class. It was me, representing the Libertarian party, against my friend since kindergarten, Matt G. I had an incredible speech written for me by one of our school's valedictorians- most of the reason it was impressive was because, for all my efforts in drama class, I have finally learned how to speak in public. I did it all out, for the fun of it, because Matt's party had five or six people more than ours, and four or five of the members of my party were missing that day. But when the votes started getting counted, we stayed neck and neck all the way until the end- and I won. It means absolutely nothing outside of the class, but I won, and Matt told me that even he had voted for me. I know it's meaningless, I know it's nothing, but I did my best and for what little it was worth, it counted.
I turned in the satire of myself that I wrote yesterday, and when I got it back today- I had received an A+.
After school, I was walking to my car when my friend Elishama came up to talk to me. A long time ago I had written a sonnet for her to turn in for her English class. She got an A+. She told her mom that I had written it, and when her mom read it, she submitted it into a poetry contest. Today Elishama told me that my sonnet was runner-up in the contest, and that I might be eligible for a large scholarship.
Then, I came home, went online and took my Spanish placement test for UCSD. I did well- very well. I got placed in "'Spanish Literature 2B' or Higher". As far as I'm aware, I don't think there's many classes higher than that available. Which means that I can start French or Italian right away. I love learning language, and this means I have a great chance to get another head start.
I brought home Kristin's yearbook, she wanted me to have enough time to sign it all the way. I did, and she came over later to pick it up so her other friend could sign it as well. I brought her upstairs, and said to her, "Kristin, can you do me a favor?" Me and her have known each other since the fifth grade, and for the first six of the eight years that we knew each other, I had this unhealthy infatuation with her. We've since become the greatest of friends. "Will you indulge fifth-grader Kian's one fantasy?" She laughed, and I finished, "You still owe me a slow dance." I came over to my computer and pushed play on my mp3 player, starting Lifehouse's "Hanging by a Moment". True to her estrogen, she started crying as we danced in slow circles around my room for three minutes and thirty six blissful seconds. It was a moment I didn't want to end. Me and one of my closest friends celebrating an eight-year long friendship- not a sporadic one, but a constant one. The one friendship we've both had that's lasted through every trial and test that life passes our way.
It almost feels like today is marking the end of an era of my life, but I don't like to think of it that way. Today marks the beginning.