posted at 8/10/2000 1:24:53 PM
another long period of non posting...well, I have my excuses...work is still blah, I have started considering other offers. some really neat things going on in LA right now, and several of them really need and want me. not as many big egos involved as in the current one, so I should be able to carve out a much better and more comfortable space for myself. In the love dept, well now, the summer of love has been in effect. an old crush from SF was in LA visiting her grandmother, and after a nice dinner and some drinks, our conversations turned to love lives and I finally told her of my crush from 5 years ago, and that nothing has been lost. One thing led to another and soon we were smooching in the bar a little, all the while trying to decide if I was a little devil or purely an angel...another bit of love is from a friend from NYC who is in LA for a few weeks. A crush, very fun and over-the-top flirtations, but I doubt anything will come of it. Both of these two are moving to LA by the end of the year, so my social life could get very crowded soon...the LA/work girl has still been around, but we haven't been down any more romantic paths. She is such a loner and a private person, she has a tough time including anyone in her life regularly, I feel. Not setting myself up for a heartbreak, but I am going to be patient and see what comes about. With the other potentials in my life, I don't count on her as heavily now, which feels better. Also planning my vacation in Ireland with my cousin in October. More as plans progress...
posted at 7/21/2000 11:32:59 AM
wow, it's been so long since I have said anything here. I wonder if that is due to my subconscious finally seeing light at the end of these tunnels and I don't feel as angsty? If it is, it's taking a little bit longer to get into my conscious mind, but it's getting there. Not that things are suddenly bright and cheey, but some of the steps I have taken (some might use the "empowerment" buzzword) have helped. I am a confident person and don't usually have to talk myself up, but I took a different approach recently, both in work and play. At work, I made it well known that I am an Internet Rockstar and that needed me in som many way, that they had better start listing and supporting my views, and not just asking for them. In life, I've decided to go for it more, to lay things on the line a little bit. I haven't given up on the quick flare up of love from a month ago, but I am finding other beauties to occupy that same space. Life is good and getting better...
posted at 7/6/2000 2:16:56 PM
do I need to be the captain of the ship? or do I just need to have input on which way we're heading? I don't do well with dictatorships, at least, not without someone who I fully respect and trust at the dictator. How do I force my opinions to be heard and valued without seeming like a primadona? Maybe that's not a bad thing, as I know I've earned respect and admiration over the years. I know a lot of shit, and I need to be able to use it and feel like it's being heard. Where does confidence stop and cocky begin?
posted at 7/5/2000 2:07:19 PM
So many little things on my mind, all adding to such chaos and those little nagging feelings that you can't quite put your finger on. Everything was so peachy just a few weeks ago, yet things can change so rapidly. Work, relationships, life, plans...it's all a swirling blob right now. Do I move, change jobs, find a girlfriend and make more distinct life goals, all at the same time? Sort of a shocktreatment for the entire being. wonder what my cousin, the phd in clinical psychology would make of my life. he's here, visiting from Hawaii. Maybe we'll talk about it this weekend when we're hanging out.
posted at 6/30/2000 1:57:32 PM
went out for drinks with the gang from work last night. we really need that bonding time away from the office. the team that gets drunk together... a lot of turmoil here. the new head of our dept is pretty cutthroat, but she hides it behind such a sweet exterior. She's making me nervous. Not specifically, I know I have enough to add in so many areas there's no way she could make me obsolete, but I know the rest of my group has the Fear. trying to figure out how to deal with her about it... looking forward to a long weekend. my roommate jake is gone, I'll have the place to myself. Wendy & Sarah's bbq on tuesday is the focus of social times, just relaxing until then. a guy from work is bringing me his dad's old video projector that just got upgraded. his dad is a rich beverly hills hotshot surgeon, so I have a feeling even the old projector is a piece of work. Things with the ladyfriend have gotten to a decent level. we're not a couple, but we're not apart. hopefully more than just fuckbuddies, but still casual for now...
posted at 6/27/2000 12:25:31 PM
self doubt creeping in. did I come on too strong, too squishy? I hope I didn't scare her away. what's a boy to do? how do I know what is right? waiting on a response to my email that asked those very questions, hopefully without sounding like a needy whiny selfish boy...
posted at 6/25/2000 4:13:10 AM
drunken thoughts now, wishing she were here with me and not with her friends...I don't want to be so selfish but dammit, she is the best thing to enter my life in a long time. I look at her picture and am transported to the memories of the few moments spent with her and of the visions and fantasies I have had over the past few months. I need to balance my adoration with freedom and individualism, but it's tough, I want to give her everything, to be better than anyone she has ever met, to be anything she needs. I am strong enough in myself to know I won't lose the "me", and what I see in her, I know will only bring out the best in me. I want that. I want her. Not ready to say it's love, but I wouldn't mind it turning that way...
posted at 6/24/2000 11:23:12 PM
it's been an amazing week. my thoughts as often on her as not. distractioned during meetings, innuendo filled emails, always too short phone calls, flowers on her doorstep before she came home from a class...I am in heaven. I only wish I were a knight and had a dragon to slay for her, or a cowboy who had a villian to gunfight to prove my devotion.
posted at 6/19/2000 11:13:04 AM
wow, what a weekend. I turned 32 on Sunday, and I swear, this was the best weekend of my life. drunken nights at the pub with my best friends, first smooch with a 3 month crush in a darkend back room after hours at the pub, sleepless snuggling on the couch, morning fun interrupted by another friend, lounging by the marina channel, another night at the pub with more friends which turned into an all night drink along ending at 8am when the fire broke out (just a candle & some photos, no damage), another evening of getting to know the crushee better, with both of us close to playing hooky from work this morning...
posted at 6/13/2000 11:58:07 AM
weekend in Detroit...youngest sister's wedding (older guy, very quiet & shy, should be very good for her and Cory)...dad's new ladyfriend and my sister's problems dealing with that (they still haven't dealt with mom's passing in December)...feel like we're still spinning our wheels at work...no focus, no leadership...
posted at 6/8/2000 10:45:16 AM
quite a star studded cast of characters in the office today. It's funny how your brain treats them differently when you see them on tv or read their words in an interview, as opposed to just standing with them talking as normal humans do. the celebrity mystique seems to fall away easily when you see they are just regular guys. It only crops back up in your head when you realize that they are indeed all on the list of the top 50 most powerful people in Hollywood...
posted at 6/7/2000 3:46:12 PM
funny, but I think I wrote that last line specifically as if someone at work were reading this. I started out very pure of intention with the thought, but it turned into a CYA sort of double-speak. write for your audience or write from the heart?
posted at 6/7/2000 3:43:15 PM
what a great meeting. i was just discussing a pitch idea with my friend Seth, a filmmaker. He adds so many great things that I cannot do, yet he is also hungry to learn about the things I know. We're going to do some great work. Now I just need to figure out how to incorporate that same attitude among the group here at work. It will be much easier, I believe, if we can pull off this one example piece well, then we have a good sample to point at and use as a discussion springboard.
posted at 6/7/2000 11:18:40 AM
THE ZEN MASTERS SAY:BEFORE ENLIGHTENMENT CHOP WOOD CARRY WATER,
AFTER ENLIGHTENMENT CHOP WOOD CARRY WATER.THE ACTIONS MAY LOOK THE SAME BUT THE MOTIVATION MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
posted at 6/6/2000 11:36:31 PM
I just finished watching Big Daddy, with Adam Sandler. I guess I am exactly that demographic - single male in the early 30's, struggling to find balance between career and life and relationships...where we differ is the amount of emphasis I place on the career and so much less on the relationship part. Am I scared? I've only had one real relationship in the past few years, and I don't know if I am looking for another. I sometimes question that view, and wonder why...isn't it normal to want to be close to someone? I guess I just don't know what I am looking for, and don't like making the "wrong" choices...
posted at 6/6/2000 10:59:38 AM
today is shaping up to be quite fun. fun in a sarcastic way. Have you ever reached that point when you stop caring quite so much, so the things that added stress suddenly just become humourous? I'm not quite to that point, but it seems like things are tending that way. We're trying to fix that asap, before we are all driven into fits of hysterical laughter...
posted at 6/5/2000 7:37:50 PM
end of the day...should I be heading for a drink or working on this pitch? seems like a common dilemna at the end of the day. I do wonder if I can do them both...I've tried before, but my pitches always become unreadable once I spill a drink on that bar napkin.
posted at 6/5/2000 12:34:33 PM
so, Monday morning finds an interesting article on my company, pop.com. An interesting set of assumptions on a topic that is shrouded in secrecy. It's funny how everyone wants to dig up some dirt, some chink in the armor...
posted at 6/1/2000 8:48:03 PM
so, this is the first test of my blog. where did that name ever come from? weblog. terrible marketing.