Andrew | The sky has fallen. email me


17.9.01

I must just be the surgery grandmaster - I had heard so many stories of tonsillectomies and things going really awfully - same thing with my wisdom teeth pulling that turned out to be a non-event. I was most nervous about the IV drip - it pinched just a little bit. I remember them wheeling me out of the recovery room and down the hall to the O.R. and then I remember waking up in post-op. My body seized in yawning stretches every few minutes for a while. Then somehow I was back in the recovery room with mom. When I was alone in post-op I tried talking. I could talk! Holy shit! I did some vocalises and was over-joyed to find that I could run my whole vocal range with very little trouble - even into falsetto. Mental note made to send the anesthesiologist a thank you note for such a non-invasive intubation. No nausea. 1/3 of a martini's worth of dizziness. Basically it just feels really swollen when I swallow and it hurts to swallow if the pain medication is running out... I'm on a suspension of acetaminophen and another of amoxicillin. Came home and emailed everyone that I was just fine. Karen and Brigitte came over to visit - Karen brought me chocolate milk from Oberweis dairy - the best chocolate milk on the planet. Slept most of the afternoon. Was going to go back to bed an hour ago but started eating and now I'm sort of wired so we'll see. I want to do things! I want to go out - 'I'm not sick! I'm well! I want to sing...." (a la Monty Python's Life of Brian? Or was it Holy Grail?). I was so worried about this and I don't think it's as traumatic as I thought it would be. I giggle to myself as I put on the hospital gown with my ass hanging out and when the nurse said the word 'booties' I wish Karen and Brigitte were there to giggle with me. My right ear hurts a bit - like I had some kind of stuff drip in my sinus while I was down. I was able to call dad and leave a message that I was alright. I was talking. I am so happy I can talk.

On other fronts, we had a wonderful closing night for Sinister... the actors were coked up and excited and the audience was howling with applause... loved when the actors come forward and do a dialogue collage, recap-ing 'previously on Sinister' and then at the end Karen B. says 'And now the conclusion' and the whole cast chimes in loudly and dramatically 'of Sinister!' And the audience went nuts. So rewarding. Went to Sylvie's bar and hung out but knew I had a date with Ron around midnight. He got in from L.A. at 2 that afternoon - he's got a small vacation for the next few days since United is going to cut their flight schedules down. We had dinner at... I can't remember... shit, where did we eat? I can't recall. Christ. We went to Caribou first, of course... then we went to eat at... damn. Oh! Cosi! We ate at Cosi! So I made my way to his place - his room-mates tease him mercilessly - it's so funny. Gilbert calls me 'Mr. September' and I think I recorded that last week they assured me I was part of his Summer Collection. We went to Roscoe's and danced for awhile. We do look so hot together, I will say that. And I loved knowing that people were watching us dance together and wanting to be us or be with us. This hunky smooth brown asian guy and his hunky white date, shirts off, sweat inter-mingling. eyes interlocked, hips in unison... I turned to him and said: 'The best part is - I already know I get to go home with you tonight.' Slept about four hours and then had to wake up to clean my place for mom's arrival. I really like Ron a lot - right now we're in the phase where we just can't believe how hot the other one is. He keeps saying, 'I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend.' And then I think to myself why I don't. I'm so picky. And I find so many guys to be 20-something infants with very little worldview beyond the upcoming weekend. I think a great sign is his relationship with his room-mates - they are all three the best-est of friends. After the CuntBastard incident I am suspicious when people don't have friends.

I'm alive and well and living in Chicago. Surgery was pretty uneventful - very little blood loss - my mouth is stained with the Betadine a cherry red. Got the drug hook-up in a white sack. Tried vocalizing up and down my vocal range and could even go into falsetto. I'm talking. Though I should shut up. Everything is cool-i-o. Bye. Time for bed...

16.9.01

Well everybody, hopefully I'll survive my tonsillectomy tomorrow morning. I'm nervous. I know I shouldn't be. But I am.

More immaturity: Anybody else giggle when Bush said we're gonna smoke them out of their holes?

From: Andy
To: His webhost service
Subject:Spyware Installed?

Any requests for you guys to install Carnivore on your servers - is it already on? Just wondering what level of security we can expect.
From: Support
We've had no requests of that sort (thank god). I'm alarmed about recent developments in this area of course, and have been following the slashdot threads and other news articles regarding this. We would, of course, do our best to prevent such things from happening but anything is possible.
We do have PGP installed on user machines, and we can install GPG on request, so if you're concerned, you may wish to encrypt as many of your communications as possible (if you use a shell based email client, mutt works really well with PGP / GPG, and I've heard good things about Eudora as far as graphical clients go).

14.9.01

I know this makes me a totally insensitive bastard but reading this article made me giggle. Dogs were going through booties at an amazing rate. What's another word for pirate treasure?

I'm afraid of Americans
I'm afraid of the world
I'm afraid I can't help it
I'm afraid I can't
I'm afraid of Americans
I'm afraid of the world
I'm afraid I can't help it
I'm afraid I can't
I'm afraid of Americans
God is an American

That article exulting Americans that I posted two days ago was written 30 years ago. I updated below.

I don't watch this much TV in a month. I can't stop. The repetition and the lack of commercials provides a constant, steady press on my brain. I find that I am ultra-cranky lately. I feel like doing nothing. Nothing at all. But sleeping on the futon and waking up to each new report.

I think one of the scariest things about being in this whole netherworld of grey is the way events develop and grow and fade. The firefighter story that turned out to be not victims from the rubble but rescue workers who got trapped - though that might be the same thing. Loved ones wander the streets with pictures of their missing relatives taped to their shirts. A journalist named Elizabeth on CNN nearly broke down talking to these families. 15 minutes later the anchors at the news desk said 'Let's show what happened a bit ago. This affects even us journalists too.' They played the wrong clip - it wasn't her breaking down - it was a different interview. Then 15 minutes later they went back to Elizabeth and she was interviewing more people. The gratuitiousness of this got to me - then they played the right clip of a dutiful journalist holding back her grief on international media. It just felt like so much media dick-swinging. I want to believe that we are receiving the events live and unfiltered - I didn't see people falling off the building on video on American news sources immediately - it was on the BBC channel. The initial story of a car-bomb outside the Capitol Building - did it happen? Where did it come from? That story was quashed before the end of the day. And the suspiciousness of the sudden 'they were aiming for Air Force One' line of reporting. The planners of this apocalypse new well in advance where everyone was. Or the shots of Bush in the Oval Office on the phone - talking importantly - it seemed so goddamned staged. I shouldn't have to worry that he's going to make a complete fool of himself on the international scene.

13.9.01

I feel so terribly ignorant: Inevitable ring to the unimaginable

IF the attacks on America have their source in the Islamic world, who can really be surprised?

Two days earlier, eight people were killed in southern Iraq when British and American planes bombed civilian areas. To my knowledge, not a word appeared in the mainstream media in Britain.

An estimated 200,000 Iraqis, according to the Health Education Trust in London, died during and in the immediate aftermath of the slaughter known as the Gulf War.

This was never news that touched public consciousness in the west.

At least a million civilians, half of them children, have since died in Iraq as a result of a medieval embargo imposed by the United States and Britain.

In Pakistan and Afghanistan, the Mujadeen, which gave birth to the fanatical Taliban, was largely the creation of the CIA.

The terrorist training camps where Osama bin Laden, now "America's most wanted man", allegedly planned his attacks, were built with American money and backing.

In Palestine, the enduring illegal occupation by Israel would have collapsed long ago were it not for US backing.

Far from being the terrorists of the world, the Islamic peoples have been its victims - principally the victims of US fundamentalism, whose power, in all its forms, military, strategic and economic, is the greatest source of terrorism on earth.

"People went to the roof and, after 20 minutes or so of increasing heat, jumped off - frequently in pairs holding hands. I saw no jumping triples."

12.9.01

Scathing indictment of the causes of recent events from Michael Moore:

Because the airlines consider my safety SO important, they pay rent-a-cops $5.75 an hour to make sure the bad guys don't get on my plane. That is what my life is worth less than the cost of an oil change. Too harsh, you say? Well, chew on this: a first-year pilot on American Eagle (the commuter arm of American Airlines) receives around $15,000 a year in annual pay. So spare me the talk about all the precautions the airlines and the FAA is taking. They, like all businesses, are concerned about one thing, the bottom line and the profit margin. Four teams of 3-5 people were all able to penetrate airport security on the same morning at 3 different airports and pull off this heinous act? My only response is, that's all?

What I do know is that all day long I have heard everything about this bin Laden guy except this one fact - WE created the monster known as Osama bin Laden! Where did he go to terrorist school? At the CIA! When the Soviet Union occupied Afghanistan, the CIA trained him and his buddies in how to commits acts of terrorism against the Soviet forces. Bin Laden was grateful for what we taught him and thought it might be fun to use those same techniques against us. We abhor terrorism - unless we're the ones doing the terrorizing. We have orphaned so many children, tens of thousands around the world, with our taxpayer-funded terrorism (in Chile, in Vietnam, in Gaza, in Salvador) that I suppose we shouldn't be too surprised when those orphans grow up and are a little whacked in the head from the horror we have helped cause.

contrasted with an article of admiration for Americans: UPDATE:This article was written 30 years ago | link

Germany, Japan and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in billions of dollars and forgave other billions in debts. None of these countries is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to the United States. I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone else raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake.

I slept on the futon all night and whenever I woke up I'd turn on the TV. It just gets worse. Stories of hijacked passengers calling their loved ones one last time. People calling for help on cellphones, trapped in the basement. It just keeps stunning me over and over again how low-tech this whole thing was. Knives. Fucking knives. And the bomb threats - little did they know that they were the weapon. We can jaw on about nuclear warfare and biochemical warfare but this is totally insane.

11.9.01

I keep waking up and each time I do things are even worse. Tom Clancy was on talking about the need for stepped-up intelligence and it's negligence in that it's not a high-profile activity for the defense of this country. Clancy also tamed the rabid reporter that the religion of Islam condemns suicide just as much as Christianity - that these are not your average Muslims - and that Catholic and Protestants in Northern Ireland can act just as savage - that was some good grounding to the paranoia spinning out of control on the airwaves. I keep thinking about if these were indeed extremists from the mid-east how someone wouldn't have profiled them on their way in - wouldn't you notice a couple or trio of mid-eastern-looking terrorist types (and I do say 'looking' because that's such a big part of the paranoia)? Part of me wonders if this was perpetrated by Americans. That would be an even worse nightmare - that the enemy is (still) within. What a fucking waste.

Another heartbreaking scenario, a woman was IM-ing her husband and he was in the second tower and was saying he was fine - his responses abruptly ended and she looked out the window and the building was gone. Another: a woman locked herself in the bathroom of the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania and called emergency dispatchers screaming we've been hijacked we've been hijacked. The dispatcher stayed on with her until a terrible sound overtook the phone and the line went dead. The stories of people wandering through New York covered in ash remind me of the book Hiroshima where the walking dead are shell-shocked and everyone pilgrimages to the river to soothe their burned skin.

Called Lingo and she's contacted Josh, Sara and Aaron in NYC and they're all alright. I called Andy's dad to see if he and Katy had reported in - they were safe as well. Jen and Kevin emailed that they were safe too.

Just got off the phone with mom and dad. They said they're students think it's sorta cool looking - they've seen imagery like this in entertainment so often. The initial crash image did remind me of the opening of X-files. And Heather said a Tom Clancy novel has a similar situation - though with a plane crashing into the Capitol Building. It reminds me of Godzilla and Independence Day.

"I was on the first floor. There was a big explosion, some guy came out, his skin was all off. There were people jumping out of windows. It's horrific."

"About 10 minutes later, the second building went off. It just blew off. People jumping out, people just kept jumping and jumping and jumping. You could see they were all alive because they were all just flailing."

"Everyone was screaming, crying, running - cops, people, firefighters, everyone."

Unfathomable. Shocking. Madness. It just got worse and worse and worse. Perfectly and cleanly executed and carefully calculated. Get attention and then make it even worse - expose the weakness and then push the knife farther and farther - wipe that smug smirk off the face of this earth. They evacuated my building and I'm home now. They've shut down O'Hare and Midway and all the trains and buses are running at rush hour volume. They've cleared the entire financial district - the Sears Tower being the main concern as they tow every unattended car in sight... Nobody in the elevators or on the train or on the bus is talking. There's nothing to say. I've never experienced something of this magnitude. My imagination begins building scenes not hinted at - the terror being in a plane heading towards a building, seeing the plane from the building... feeling the ceiling give way and crush you... the families, the lives lost, the terror. The fucking unspeakable horror of knowing it's coming and not being able to do a god-damned thing. I choke up washing my hands in the bathroom at work - thinking of the death. The swath of destruction cut through classes, generations, ethnicities... people jumping out of the building. My heart is soaked in grief. I'm trying to call friends in New York all circuits are busy now, the cellphone networks are all jammed with traffic. I called Ron (he works for United) and he was grounded in LA, sobbing on the cellphone - there was a bomb threat at his hotel and he's out on the streets with nothing but his clothes he's wearing and his phone. Heather emailed trying to contact me since the phones were jammed. I called mom and dad and left a message at home. Suddenly my to-do list is driven down to one simple task: 'Call those you love.' Everything falls away and survival is the only imperative. I'm immediately conscious of the news programs beginning to distill and package the story for quicker consumption... 'America Under Attack' is the title of this movie on CNN. Though if this were a movie it would have just been one plane crashing - a mother and daughter holding eachother as the swarthy hijackers grin evilly and aim the plane towards the building. All of this before the opening credits. No one could have written this - a second plane, a third plane, another crash and then the implosions - the decimation and the desolation. Yet someone imagined it and thought it valuable to make real. An out of control reporter on WGN chattering: 'We're going to war! This is war!' A guy in a meeting I attended this morning was ranting and raving about immediate action - regardless of any kind of logic or target - that kind of talk scares me. I want to be there, witnessing, cataloging, chronicling. I think of people running across to avoid the collapse of the buildings - perhaps running through the memorial park from the bombing just a few years ago. The sky has fallen. I fear what the next few weeks will bring. And will they dare to re-release the movie Pearl Harbor. The most moving testimony so far has been a live cellphone call with a CNBC reporter - she's nearly crying oh my God it's like a oh my God we can't breathe we kept running we broke down a door to get out of the smoke are you okay oh my God it looks like a warzone.

10.9.01

Had a great weekend. Sinister was clunky at the end on Friday but wonderful on Saturday. Sitting in the audience watching them on the edge of their seats to see what happens next was so damned satisfying.

Left the show and went over to Ron's. We went to Roscoe's and danced a bit - his roommates Gilbert and Teddy were already there. They tease Ron mercilessly and assure me that I'm part of Ron's Summer Collection. Teddy was drunk and dancing shirtless on the boxes. Ron wanted to see how much attention I get in a bar - which was evidently a lot. I told him it's probably best that I don't know. He caught two guys talking about us in Tagalog that didn't know he was Filipino - they were remarking what a hot couple we are. Had breakfast at Ann Sather - he'd never had the cinnamon rolls before... then tea/coffee at the Caribou and then we decided to walk to the record store only to get slightly lost and come back. Dinner at Ping Pong and then I came home, napped and did some home-work. Ron is, I think, the first guy I've ever just walked up to out of the blue and asked out. Took us three weeks to finally go out. He's a little shorter than me with a beautiful muscular body and bright eyes and smile. He used to be a ballet dancer and now works as a flight attendant for United. Right now we're in that lust stage that I never trust. We can't get over how cute the other one is. We spend time staring at eachother and wondering why in the hell someone would want to go out with us. We were laughing about when I went up to him and he couldn't tell if I was just passing by or what and inside he's like say hello, say hello, say hello. I never trust my loins.

I think the word loins is funny. If I was involved in some sort of accident, would it be plausible to just have one loin?

7.9.01

I think it's funny when people ask me about the acupuncture I was taking. What for? 'Anxiety and depression.' Why are you depressed? It just shows a perspective if people aren't familiar with the ultra-uber-blues. I usually answer 'genetics,' which confuses them even more.

Surgery in ten days - I think. I hope it goes well.

Been listening to Limp Bizkit's Significant Other (I think that's what it's called)... the first six songs on that CD are just great I hope you know that I'm a chainsaw! (what!?) a chainsaw! (what!?) a mutha-fuckin' chainsaw!

5.9.01

Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by all that there is to do that I just sit silently and feel myself awash in events, tasks and chaos - seemingly beyond my control. Boxing seemed to bring me back to earth - today we sparred - or more accurately - I got hit. Not hard. But enough. It's hard. As soon as Jerome would make a hit I'd immediately get defensive and stay defensive and stop thinking about what I need to do to hit him back. Pretty good analysis of my personality. I rarely ever strike back. That's gotta change. I think that's one of the reasons I'm subjecting myself to boxing. You will get hit. Make no mistake, you will get hit. But you can either take it or roll with it give it right back.

Surgery up in two weeks y'all. Looking forward to it. I'm hoping it helps in preventing monthly throat and sinus infections. And hopefully I can get a voice over demo tape done in the next couple of months.

I think I'm addicted to parfaits.

4.9.01

I did a bad thing. I emailed back a response from a 'I don't want to date anymore email.' The response I received was quite angry and I just had to respond. I know it makes me weak - wanting to dip into the drama instead of just let sleeping (boring, non-ambitious, no goals, lack of conversation skills) lie. And I'm being chided for doing all of this through email. >sigh< Now I want to call tonight and say: 'Say what you need to say.'

Have you ever crossed the street and then realized that you just walked through an intersection against the light. I did that this morning. I wasn't until I crossed I realized what I'd done. Where was my brain? I always imagine the impact the car has on your upper legs first and then wonder if I'd tumble over or under the vehicle. Yikes.

I was all prepared to just party like it was my job all weekend, but once I got down to it I just didn't feel like being around anyone. I almost went out on Sunday night - even had my dancin' pants on. But ended up falling asleep at 12:30... woke up at 8 - went to get a powerbagel with Karen. Then Karen and I engaged in a dramatic television event - we clipped her dog's toenails. Karen has only been able to ever clip one of Cressida's claws in her 2 year life (Cressida is two, not Karen - though sometimes Karen does act like a two-year old). So I helped. I always seem to have a calming effect on animals and children so I talked to Cressida softly and soothingly. I basically personal coached her dog. Now there's a niche market!

I begin my own coaching with a woman I met at the ICF conference. We're trading web design work for her coaching expertise. Very excited. I had to fill out lots of client profile stuff last night - I might post some of it.

2.9.01

I re-upped my picture on Am I Hot Or Not to be part of MetaCube's project. Such an ego stroke - rating hanging at a steady 9.9.

Worked out this morning (chest, shoulders, triceps) and then had lunch with Eric at Leona's.

Saw Hedwig and the Angry Inch (the movie). I liked it - I had a brief nap at the very beginning and then was quite alert and enjoyed the rest of it. Very imaginative. I want to go see the stage show of couse.

Show went well. Only annoyance was I reminded and hounded the actors before we began to talk loud so we could turn on the air conditioning during the show. I was in the back row and I knew many couldn't hear. So next week they can sweat their balls off - I'd rather have actors soaked through their clothes than not having the story told. I'm such a despot.

1.9.01

This sucks: I was going to do a pro bono website re-design for some acquaintances. That was nearly a year and a half ago. They'd given me a CD-ROM with their site and archives on it. I didn't hear from them ever again so I thought they'd lost interest. They called last week wanting the CD. I can't find it. I'm gonna tear my place apart one last time.

A little rage when I clicked on a Yahoo! page and found a Lifesavers ad staring me down. They asked for feedback:

POP UP ADS FUCKING SUCK AND YOU GUYS KNOW IT. STOP IT! IT DEGRADES YOUR SERVICES. HOW MUCH MORE MONEY CAN YOU SQUEEZE OUT OF YOUR CUSTOMER DATABASE. WHY DON'T YOU ADVERTISE SOMETHING I CAN USE! YOU ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME ANYWAY FROM MY CLUBS, MESSAGE BOARDS, PERSONALS... ETC. STOP LETTING YOUR MARKETING PUKES MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS. YAHOO PROVIDES SERVICES TO CONSUMERS. IT DOESN'T 'DELIVER' US INTO THE MAW OF MADISON AVENUE. WHEN YOU USE WEAK MECHANICS TO DELIVER ADS YOU MAKE YOUR CLIENTS LOOK JUST AS WEAK. I USE ALL CAPS BECAUSE I CARE.

And then they ask if I'd pay to have an ad-less Yahoo!:

PAY YOU? WHAT FOR? YOU GUYS SEEM TO BE GETTING ALONG FINE WITH OUT SUBSCRIPTION BASED STUFF - AD-LESS SITE? RIGHT. KEEP WORKING ON SELL SUBSCRIPTION SERVICES THAT HAVE VALUE. NOT DITCHING YOUR HAZING OF THE SURFER TO TURN A QUICK BUCK.

Last night I was intimating to a friend my excitement about my business idea I've cooked in my brain for three years that I hope to execute in the autumn... and if it was going to work or not. She replied, 'Of course it's gonna work! You're Andy mutha-fuckin' Wibbels!' Fuck yeah. Why can't we see ourselves as others see us? Or I guess more accurately, why can't I see my greatness as others see it and only focus on the negative (and in the minority) messages I receive verbally, nonverbally or just through paranoiac 'it's all about me' delusions. I keep meditating on how fear of moving forward, growing more, expanding is fear of failure, yes - but also - fear of living up to that badass you know you are inside. It's that migrating the internal Tyler Derden from the inner world into the outer one. I swear to God, I could build a self-help seminar off Fight Club. You don't have to live by the rules. There are no rules. Yes, there's bureaucracy and red tape but how much of it do you really choose to participate in. Just because 90% of the rest of the world does things one way doesn't mean you have to rot in a cubicle for the rest of your life.

31.8.01

Sitting here at work - things are totally dead. No one is here. My boss even inferred yesterday that I shouldn't even show up. But I came in to check and send emails. Worked out this morning. I hate doing squats. They suck ass. But I did them none-the-less. Probably won't be able to walk tomorrow morning. Wah. Coaching with my practice client went well. I'd read all my methodologies and models the past few days and then just threw it all away to focus on being there with the client. She showed up with an agenda ready to rock and roll. I got a big charge out of it. It's fun when you make steps towards a different careerpath (winks to sister). Sinister re-boots tonight with episode one - we'll see how much of it they remember. Hee hee. Just got off the phone with another web design client. The ultimate goal is to get $1,500-$2,000 a site and then spin fifty clients a year and then be done. We'll see. This lady is doing a trade of her personal coaching services for her site - I met her at the ICF conference and she has been coaching since the beginning when it was still somewhere between consulting and therapy. She's also already got another referral in the wings. This might be a way out y'all. Trying to get some incorporation papers through next week so after my surgery I can begin my major major big-time mega-ultra-uber-business idea. It's so scary and nutty that it just might work. We'll see. I want to build it up over six months - build a business plan - spin it and sell it. We'll see how likely all of this is in the current economy. My focus is all over the place this morning. I think I got enough Sinister mix CDs burned for the whole cast. If not it'll be first come first serve.

I just lost all respect for PETA: "Would you give your right arm to know why sharks attack? Could it be revenge?" (via Metafilter)

29.8.01

Salon does TRL:

An MTV staffer observes the crowd. "You like Backstreet Boys," he pronounces. "Now, why do you like Backstreet?"

"Hi, my name's Michelle, I'm from South Carolina and I like Backstreet because I love their music and their new video rocks!" the teenager says on cue.

"Mmmm. No," says the staffer, sighing heavily. "First of all, you forgot your 'Woooo!' You have to 'Woooo!' at the end of your shout-out. Don't ever forget to 'Woooo!' Now, which Backstreet is your favorite?"

"Um ... Nick!"

"How about Kevin? Can Kevin be your favorite?" Nick is so passé.

"Sure, OK!"

28.8.01

Felt really down yesterday. I've been sleeping a lot lately. I'm thinking it might be from not breathing well due to the ragweed just blooming. I'm highly hooched up on Benadryl and ephedrine. I like the word hooch. I makes me giggle. Watched Hannibal last night. Beautifully done (of course, it's Ridley) - but not remarkable at all. Pretty boring. The plot is almost as simple as Gladiator. The gore didn't seem that awful. I was expecting much worse. And I watched both the endings on DVD and neither seemed to make much sense at all. The Verger character played by Gary Oldman was laughable, I thought - it reminded me of a Loony Toons voice - 'yeeeah, ya see Mac? yeah...'. Cool touches with bringing back parts of the previous film - the DVD includes cut scenes such as Clarice going back to the dungeon prison from Silence of the Lambs. Wanted more suspense. Wanted more terror. Ah well...

23.8.01

Just got off the Metra train after going to see Sweeney Todd in concert at the Ravinia Festival. George Hearn, Patti LuPone and Neil Patrick Harris were in the cast. Sarah brought the munchies with two of her boi-friends. I got drunk before the show even started as we laid a blanket out and stuffed cookies and chips into our maws. The score for this show never ceases to blow me away. Such detail. And I have the score memorized - at one point Patti forgot her lines and I knew exactly where she was and what the lyrics were - or I noticed George Hearn start in to a vamp on a song a half a measure too early. And so operatic without relying on boring recitative. I have stolen much off this play and it's original staging by Hal Prince. I even wrote a Sweeney Todd rip off in high school called Gehenna Boulevard... very sick stuff - I could play the score right now too - it's all in my head.

22.8.01

My dinner with Alexander was cancelled - hopefully in two weeks. I met him when I worked in Corporate Finance - he is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Everyone at ICF knew him and went nuts when I told them I worked with him for a year. He is in the same box as Rocco - someone that's a total badass at what they do and they never show off - they just deliver. Two years ago we had the most mind-blowing lunch where basically he stared me down and said: 'What do you want to do?' and then 'What's the problem? Go do it.' I just sat there giggling uncontrollably. Or yesterday when I was talking to Laurie about a potential revenue-producing project and she gave me the coaching smackdown when I gave excuses. 'There are no excuses, Andy. That is unacceptable.'

Boxing this morning rocked. Jerome kicked my ass big time. I tried to focus on my third-eye (read below) with some of the hits but I was too distracted by footwork.

My goal is to get out of here by noon today. I think I can do it.

I have stuff I can do at home over the internet and the company I'm calling is in Cali anyways.

Forgot to record that at the ICF conference I learned that my SoulType is 7. This means I send and receive through my third-eye chakra. Dude. It explains why I sometimes lead with my forehead and relate to people with my face slightly tilted. I just thought I was naturally condescending. They had all these people wearing neutral colored loose clothes and they'd push against your hands and tell you to radiate from different parts of your body. Then the guru would confirm. He pushed on my hands and told me to focus with my third eye... I couldn't be pushed over. "Now move your focus to your hips," he said. I did. He pushed me right over. "Back to the third eye." Again - immovable. Type 7's are visionaries and are able to travel to different planes of though and possibility and have lots and lots and lots of ideas and move too fast for others... it does makes sense. When I'm directing or doing things - I always thought that I was just processing things aurally because I bow my head a little - but perhaps I am sensing and shaping through my third eye. Same with piano. And it goes with my whole-body sensing of rhythm - especially with dialogue. It's like - if a piece of flat dialogue is spoken it reverberates in my bones - a totally intuitive response. Like last night, I had to rewrite the ending of a scene and I was still holding on to wanting to choke the shit out of the actor that was blowing off the final dress. I went and got a little dinner and came back and had the answer as soon as I walked in the door.

21.8.01

I'm gonna try and publish this using wapblogger.

Latest news is they might instituting a dress code at work. Now that's a really good fucking idea. Not sure exactly what is supposed to happen - I don't think a dress code is going to get back our 2.2 (buh-buh-buh) billion loss this year. That and they deployed the employee survey on line and the servers crashed (no one thought of staggered deployment??) and one lady unknowingly emailed the CEO of the company for tech support. Duh. Spent the morning wrestling with MS Access reports.

I get to rewrite a scene of the show tonight because an actor can't make the tech rehearsal. WHAT?! Final tech and you can't be there. I have to excise the scene with gunfire because we won't be able to rehearse the scene and I'm not about to have un-rehearsed live gunplay onstage. That's just asking for it. This actor is doing his best to make sure I never hire him again.

So very sleepy. Just ate half a can of honey roasted peanuts - I needed something sweet to get me through. Almost time for another chicken sandwich. YEAH!

20.8.01

The coaching conference rocked my little world. I have my first practice client - one of my actresses in the show - I've known Nicole for a while but don't know too much about her personally to crowd a coaching experience. So I'm going to work with her for three months, for free, once a week in creating the life she wants. Also going to try and get four internal clients here at work. We'll see.

16.8.01

from the Chicago Reader:

SINISTER, Baum House, at the Athenaeum Theatre. Tapping into the compulsion that weekly drew millions to Melrose Place, Andrew O'Brien has created a serial drama with intertwining plotlines, tortured characters, and a good dose of suspense. Story number one features lesbian couple Amy and Rachael (Sarah Morello and Nicole Bond), who are experiencing obvious relationship strain. PMS? Seems like it. But as it turns out Rachael's nerves are frayed because she's being stalked. By whom? Find out next week! The second story revolves around TV Boy (Sean Sweeney), who was abandoned in an electronics store as a child; his only emotional connection is to the television screen. His fate too is uncertain: doctors want to save him while evil scientists see him as the ultimate lab rat. As last week's lights went down, TV Boy was kissing his nurse--who's a spy for the scientists! Stay tuned! ¶ O'Brien, who created the 1999 Baum House serial (Kill the Haviland Ladder), clearly has a handle on the episodic format. But he might take a cue from the Melrose writers and add a bit more action (the stalking thread was seriously underplayed). After all, an adrenaline roller coaster is part of the hook. The show has a lively pace, however, and a diverse, competent cast. Starting at 9:30 and running just 40 minutes, this makes a tasty after-dinner treat. --Kim Wilson

Kevin Elizabeth called screaming into the phone she was so excited. I'd forgotten the review came out! She was yelling through the phone so loud that I could barely make out the consonants. Funny that no one else has called. Kevin is just sure I'm the toast of Chicago.

I've been making my sister some Lords of Acid compilation CDs - one is called 'Pound' and has all of their fast songs, or at least my top 20 favorites and then the second one is called 'Undulate' and has the slower sexier music on it.

Started planning the diet - and trying to eat 150 grams of protein a day is a fuck-load of chicken. That's all I gotta say.

Heard a keynote address from Margaret Wheatley this morning. At one point she was talking about the commonality of all peoples and how the Olympic Games was such a great example of this. That, at the games, the different countries would share in their diversity by engaging in penetrating.

I sat stunned. No one else reacted. Dear God!

Oh. Pin trading. Like pins with my country's flag on them pin trading.

My face went bright red and I proceeded to giggle for a full five minutes. More merriment ensued.

Then during a seminar on Networking we had to partner off in groups of two but, 'if there's no more groups of two then a threesome is fine.'

Sometimes I can be such a prude.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water: A nuclear bomb, 100 times more powerful than the one dropped on Hiroshima, is lying 10km off the east coast of the United States. The 3450kg hydrogen bomb, known as a Mark 15 weapon, has been lying off the coast of Georgia since February 5, 1958, when it was jettisoned from a B-47 Stratojet bomber after the plane was struck by a fighter jet during a training exercise at 36,000ft. Documents reveal the search was called off when another hydrogen bomb was accidentally dropped near Florence, South Carolina.

Today went well at the ICF conference - had a 3 1/2 hour lecture from Cheryl Richardson - the lady that's on Oprah a lot these days. Great stuff on coaching and just getting out of your own way. Got really sleepy halfway through - came home and slept for five hours. Went to Kinko's - I've created a list of website do's and don't's trying to get some clients at this conference.

14.8.01

Been working on my web design portfolio - hoping to pick up some clients at this conference I'm going to. I even re-did my Palm V's electronic business card - I added a chili recipe to my contact info and tell people to email for the banana bread recipe... hee hee. I've solicted recommendations from clients the past few weeks. Here's a good continuum of them:

Andy has the exceptional ability to proactively identify user needs and translate these needs into specific features and functions of a web-site. He is improvement focused and creative in offering ideas, which has the impact of enhancing usability and overall quality of web-design. On this basis, his contributions to the web-based 360-degree feedback system that we have developed have been exceptional.
all the way to
ANDY IS A WEB-MASTER...EVERYTHING YOU EVER DREAMED OF IN A WEB DESIGNER..I WOULD NOT KICK HIM OUT OF BED FOR EATING CRACKERS.
From Mierka. And fucking hysterical.

I seem to have become a clotheshorse. I don't know how it happened. I am trying to fit all of my laundry in my closet and dresser and it simply is not working. Maybe it was a gradual process. Maybe it's because of having to have so many looks (corporate, Gen X @ work, boybarboi, yuppification, gym rat). It is interesting to me how my dress has changed as I've aged. I went through a major all black - all the time phase in high school. I wore a black trench coat for about a year and a half (shades of Columbine?). I think I've become more mainstreamed in my wardrobe as I've considered taking my wild creative side underground so I can spy on 'normal' people. People see my plays and expect a multi-pierced, tattoo-ed guy. Then they see simple, clean-cut me. I guess I just keep all my tattoos and piercings on the inside.

Came home early today and went to bed for about three hours. Amazing what a nap can do. Went to Caribou Coffee for green tea and reading Wired. Saw Lonnie - I told him he should come see my plays. He said, "Oh, you have a studio or a one bedroom." I said, "No, my plays. My theatre production." He stumbled a little bit - it was funny. Like when I was in love with Kate and I tried to say the word 'bread-baking' and instead I said 'bed-breaking'. I am up at 1:27 on a Monday night/Tuesday morn! I have almost relegated all the laundry to a neat hiding place. Tomorrow we tech for episode two of Sinister. It should go a little smoother now that we've had one episode under our collective belts.

Talked to a speech pathologist about any preparations for my tonsillectomy and she said just make sure they use the smallest intubation possible and are ultra-careful around the vocal folds. She said that unless they remove the adenoids my resonance shouldn't change all that much and my voice should be back in shape in a couple of weeks. That's good to hear. I'm starting a mass-gaining diet until the surgery since afterwards I'll probably just be drinking protein shakes or cottage cheese and then I'll go low carb for a couple of weeks.

13.8.01

This is really going to piss off my sister. Toughness Has Risks for Women Executives

"With a male executive, there's no expectation to be nice," he said. "He has more permission to be an ass. But when women speak their minds, they're seen as harsh." "Well, I'd tell the men to get over it," says Julia Campbell. Ms. Hollands counters: "Can you get over your DNA? This is a deeply embedded thing in them." "Talk right through the tears," Ms. Hollands writes, "You will look and sound more courageous if you can appear to be focused and steady, and the tears are just those little nonsense things running down your face. You will really make an impression when you finish."
No. It's just people being assholes. Road rage. Air rage. Cellphone rage. White panic. Gay panic.

People.

Being

Assholes.

Comments from Plastic: "When men begin treating them like one of the guys they become upset at being treated as such. In plainer words, women want to be treated as equal to men, but are uncomfortable with just how badly we men treat each other. Which, believe me, I can understand. Men are mean, mean, folk to each other.

12.8.01

Cool article on straight men appropriating 'gay' indicators for social mobility (via Dean). Even cooler is Dean's assessment.

11.8.01

Last night went surprising well. I sat in the back row and did my usual writhing and sweating but the audience seemed to really enjoy the premiere of episode one of Sinister. We had a packed house and lots of people said they were coming back for part two. It is constantly fascinating to me to see how different actors can be in performance versus rehearsal. One suddenly had energy and force behind their character, another seemed lobotomized. I thought we did better than average - which is what the serial is all about - throwing together a quick play with new people and just going out there and doing it - and they seemed eager to know what happens next. The best comment I got from a trusted confidant was 'good writing.' That even if the execution of the play had it's hiccups it still was obvious that I was on my craft. Went out with Karen today. We noted that again we've brought two more plays to Chicago. Pretty amazing when you stop and think about it. Of course I'm on the next step by now - plotting more artistic conquests...

10.8.01

MY CO-WORKER JOSETTE: See the vending machine? All they have is white crackers.
ME: Stop talking about me, Josette.

Oh, I'm a-hurtin' y'all. Hydrating like a maniac but my headache persists. I think I killed off all my digestive microbes last night. I need some yogurt. At least now I won't have to get sloshed for opening night tonight. Jesus Christ. I have that feeling where everything seems about a foot farther away than it actually is - akin to wearing a mask. God-Christ.

Just got in from the opening night party for the W hotel on Adams. Three and a half martinis later I'm dancing on the dance floor and shaking my sweet ass to the DJ's. Brigitte was there since 7 and had had four matinir already. There was no coat check so I stuffed my leather jacket and umbrella in a seat off to the side only to discover on my way out there was a guy wearing my jacket! Luckily I was drunk enough to politely thank him for keeping it safe (whilst I checked the tag to make sure it was my jacket). Major night of drunken stupor. I'm coming home on the train and the world is spinning whenever I close my eyes. Good God. I wished Karen had shown up - she always likes to see when Brigitte and I get sloppy. Time for bed and hydration.

9.8.01

No Ibsen for me. The show was sold out. I did get laundry done (not folded) and went to bed later than I'd wanted but I did get some cleaning done. I am obsessed with clean flat surfaces. My sore throat has gotten worse and I want to go home. I just finished stuff up for the day. Time for a bus nap. You should have heard my voice this morning when I was doing a demo. I sounded like total hell.

8.8.01

I was very not in the mood for boxing this morning. I was out of sorts. But I tried to hang in there anyway. Currently, I'm sitting on hold trying to get registered for a data-conference. The structure of my department is changing again. There's a new level being inserted between my current manager and I - but at the same time I'll now be on the same level with a woman who has direct reprots. It's not changing my work or my pay so it doesn't really matter that much. Going to go see Hedda Gabler at Steppenwolf. I can't wait. I love Ibsen. He's so awesome. My hands reek of the ripe smell of boxing gloves - will not all the Purell in the world sweeten this little hand? Matt dropped by yesterday afternoon for a surprise lunch - he's at the VASTA conference. He heard a lecture where a guy basically dismantled the contemporary notions of iambic pentameter. Or one lady ranted about how the language is not about verbs. It's about nouns. Love it. I can't wait for this kind of geek talk next week at the ICF conference. Then Heather and Brooks are coming in the week after that. It will be good to see them. My tonsillectomy is going to be September 17th. Karen's gonna be pissed - she wants to go on some sort of trip in September. We'll see. Sure would be nice to recover from my surgery in Cancun...

I am gripped by this compulsion for clean surfaces. I want every flat surface in my living space to be unmuddled and bare. My eyes are craving naked order. I want to come in and everything is put away and ready for accessing. I am craving empty space in my life. Note this.

7.8.01

First and final tech went well tonight. We got everything done in three and a half hours - and once we start teching episode two we'll know much more exactly what's going on. I'm a little nervous about the actors and remembering their lines - more for their sake than mine, I guess.

6.8.01

Just got in from Crobar. The place was packed floor to ceiling with sweaty muscular manflesh. It was alternately arousing and repulsive... of course once you got as sweaty as everybody else you didn't mind. I was an exercise machine today. Went to the gym this morning and then shopping with Brigitte - went and got a CD burner only to come home and have the realization that I don't have a Firewire connection. Gotta take it back today. Then came home and ran nine miles for some freakishg reason. Then took a nap and then to Crobar for three hours of dancing. I'm nuts. Saw Dave, Tomasso, Shaman, Adil, Jorge, Alex and a guy that works at my company named Mike. I'd never officially introduced myself - we'd see eachother at work, the gym and out at the clubs and I could never figure out which one I was seeing him at - all three it turns out. It was good to see Tomasso - I haven't seen him in at least two weeks. Dave gave me a ride home. He was slapping my sweaty back saying, 'splish splash take a bath!' Ick!

Mom and dad flew away Saturday afternoon. We ate lots of good places and went to the Art Institute on Saturday morning. It was wonderful to see them but it is always the last few hours before they leave that I get antsy and feel like a total dicksmack. I just want to be alone! I was supposed to go out and party into the morning but I'm not. Oh well. I'm still taking tomorrow off. I'll get more done anyway.

I had the sudden realization today that maybe my anxiety attacks are because I don't like my job. It is so obvious. I'm doing the wrong thing. Duh! Doh! Insert plosive exclamation of incredulousness here.

3.8.01

Mom and dad are in town now. They came in during the downpour. It rained so much yesterday it was unreal. Flash-flooding in a major metropolitan city? I didn't even know that happened! Took them to late lunch at FoodLife in Water Tower Place and then they came to rehearsal with me and watched us run all three parts of Sinister. They really liked the play. I was glad. It shouldn't matter whether or not they like the play - but it does. They've seen everything I've done from puppets when I was 8 to now so it does matter. And they really liked it a lot. That surprised me. I'm thinking it might be better than I'm suspecting. Or maybe not. Either way - it's fun work with fun people and that's what it's all about.

I'm getting hungry again. I wish they'd call so we could go to lunchy-munchy. Baby's hungry.

31.7.01

I had a delicious panic attack on the train this morning. I get on and sit down and the anxiety begins. I was dripping with perspiration. It was awful. I tried breathing deeper and relaxing, closing my eyes... nothing worked. Eventually it passed - after 10 minutes though. I don't know what the trigger was either. Then the train stopped because of a fire a few stops down and they turned the power in the car off. No panic attack. Nothing. I was late and missed my haircut appointment but no anxiety episode. Why can't I have anxiety attacks over the important things?

I still can't believe this shit is happening:

Since taking office, President George W. Bush and his top aides have refused to allow two states to expand family planning services for poor women, reimposed a ban on abortion counseling at health clinics abroad, released a report questioning the effectiveness of condoms and proposed eliminating contraceptive coverage for federal workers. Public health experts inside and outside the federal government are becoming increasingly concerned that the emerging approach is based more on ideology than science, and that the changes might reverse recent successes in reducing adolescent pregnancies and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS. "At each instance," said Judith Lichtman, president of the National Partnership for Women and Families, Mr. Bush "has chosen to act not in a moderate way but in an extreme way." Last week, officials at the federal Centers for Disease Control and the National Institutes of Health tried in vain to block the release of a report that concluded there was "insufficient evidence" that condoms prevented most sexually transmitted infections. Health care providers warned that the report was dangerously misleading.
It just feels like they're chipping a way bit by bit at any kind of sexual responsibility or freedom or choice. Glad I don't have a womb.

I fired an actor tonight. He'd missed three rehearsals with little warning. One of the other actors saw him on the train and is like, 'You going to rehearsal?' and he's like, 'I don't know. I guess.' I'm sorry? Huh? Luckily there were two characters in the play whose casting never intersects so I turned to Bert and said, 'ya wanna play Joe?' He's excited. The worst part is I had to fire the guy over voicemail because I couldn't get a live call to him all weekend. That and his voicemail cut off so I had to leave two messages. It feels good to be no-nonsense about this. It just makes no sense to me why someone would agree to do a play they're not interested in. You're not being paid so why bother? Oh well. I thought I was very diplomatic. We open in a week and a half and I can't dick around anymore. One of the actors asked me if I knew it was impossible for her to get to rehearsal at 7. I mean I got the clue since she's always late. But come on, folks. Can we be adults and drop the passive-agressive shit? That's what I get for casting someone in the 847 area code, I guess. Brigitte joked, 'yeah - so you're done with this casting people you haven't worked with before shit, right?' Heh.

Oh - I ran 9 miles this afternoon before rehearsal.

30.7.01

Found some toy dart guns at Target that will be good for my assault rifle needs. I forgot to blog that I bought a copy of Soldier of Fortune magazine just for kicks at the ghetto grocery last week. I haven't had a chance to read it yet - but it was the magazine that was most opposite my personality. That and Black Hair magazine. This morning was very, very busy. I'm consciously slowing down now for the rest of the day. Got more Sinister postcards being printed at Kinko's as I write this. Send them a huge print job from work too - I always forget that this is a big-ass company and there's always someone to delegate shit to. Why should I stand at a copier or light candles and sprinkle holy water on our godforsaken ColorJet when Kinko's can do it for me? Christy said I can go to the coaching conference. ROCK ON! It's three days of work I'll be gone, hanging out and taking workshops. Love it. Very excited about this.

I think I've got everything done for the day - and it's only 2:13 - though now I have a boring meeting with a vendor about a roll-out that I really don't have very much to do with but for some reason I'm a part of.

26.7.01

Matt's taking the role. Of course tonight one of the actors didn't show up at all. No phone call. Nothing. What the fuck is that?

Went to Carol's Pub (Live Entertainment, Hot Sandwiches) - a total dive bar (it's got Old Style as their marquee). Tonight was karaoke night so we knew there'd be live entertainment but we have yet to see a sandwich - much less a hot one. Karen said she was going to go up to the bartender and say, 'Can I see the Sandwich?' As if there's one sandwich they keep under glass with a little Bunn warmer underneath it so they can qualify to have Hot Sandwiches on their marquee - or what if they just had Hot Sandwich? That'd be funny. Sort of like the Shroud of Turin. Or not. I felt much better after tonight's rehearsal. I feel like this can all come together. The actors finally realized that they get to run around with guns and be badasses so they were especially peppy tonight. And they're finally starting to come out of their shells. Lots of laughing tonight - some parts of the play are just too ridiculous.

Trying to find someone to replace one of the actors for the final weekend of the show. This actor took this other gig full-well knowing that he probably couldn't make it to my show in time. That just really frosts my ass. So I'm being ultra passive-agressive and sending someone else in to play him for those two performances. I sent the script to Alan but he's too tied up with impending husbandhood - he thought the script was really disturbing though. I dunno - I guess it's sorta freakish - I mean the shit that comes out of my brain is so bent anyway that I don't think it's nearly fucked up as it could be until the final few scenes. Offered the role to Jen Joplin and she said she'd do it if I can't find someone else - so I've now tossed it to Matt. Hopefully he'll bite. I hope.

25.7.01

Today I did a little exercise during lunch. I made a list of all of the projects I have a hand in or support. Over 15 different systems and processes. Half of those I'm the back-up admin for. This is bullshit. I was all over the place today. Worked on at least a different task every hour - I talk to other people in my department, "Is it just me or does it feel like everything is spinning out of control?" It really is starting to get nutty. Boxing was good this morning - Jerome started teaching some left-handed stuff and I'm trying to keep all the foot work straight in my head. Probably doesn't help that when he's saying 'left-right-left' I'm thinking chassé or 'pivot-turn-and-get-outta-there' turns into pas de bourrée. Ah, the worlds of dance and boxing collide. Still feel like a big wuss because my punches aren't landing on the flat of my fist but on the knuckles. Patience. Beginner mind, right?

I was musing on the last time I had a female body in my arms... thinking about her body... sumptuous breasts presenting themselves to my mouth as her back arched and her full hips began to writhe... it's been a while.

Tomorrow is Sinister smackdown. Half of the actors aren't going as far with their characterizations as I would like. It's funny because if you ask any actor - how'd you like to get to play four different diverse characters in one play - most would be foaming at the mouth to show off their versatility. I haven't had to pull anyone back yet. It's like some of them are concerned with appearing 'cool'. And cool is something none of my characters are. Nice people are boring. Un-involved people are boring. Plays are about cunts and bastards. Talking to Brigitte today and mentioned how much Lingo's feedback on the script meant to me and she said that Lingo said that she thinks Sinister is the best thing yet and that it really shows me continuing to evolve as a writer. I'm so dissolved in the production process right now that I forget I'm adding another work to my oeuvre - and Sinister feels like a step back into regular writing and play making. I gotta do an actor pep-talk and get them all to awaken their inner bad-asses.

Analysis of parallels between Fight Club and Calvin and Hobbes: is Jack really an older Calvin? Important quote to say to yourself as you imagine who your inner badass would be if awakened: "I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I'm smart, capable, and most importantly, I'm free in all the ways you wish you could be." Say that to the mirror tomorrow morning.

This past week passed July 23rd - I always try to mark the 23rd day of every month from my birthday - I did a quarterly report of Andy Enterprises in my journal. I made a three month plan for the coming quarter. I'm, as usual, trying to do too many things at one time. I keep mouthing off how I'm going to take it easy in September - who am I fooling? I got at least three websites to roll-out along with four other projects.

I'm hoping my boss will pay for me to go to the international conference of the International Coaches Federation for personal coaches - it's just a few blocks up from work in three weeks - I want to go and party and take workshops. I've re-reading my texts from my training with CTI two years ago - personal coaching just seems like such a wonderfully relentless and productive occupation. I think what sucks about my current state is that I'm really good at all the technical computery stuff - I just don't like doing it. Like my sister - we were bad-ass academics with math and science - we just don't like doing it. I think we're both puzzle-solvers when it comes down to it. I like being given a project and leave me alone and let me tinker. I realized this week why one of my co-workers talks so loud: hearing aid. I'll never forget doing a play with so many old people that you could actually hear the audience breathing between your lines - that and I come out for scene three and I hear myself echoing in all the hearing aids in the audience followed by a high-pitched 'yeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeee-kcsh!' as they get feedback. I have a new peeve: people breathing with their mouths open in public places - or really just in close proximity to me. When I can tell if the wino had Smirnoff or Skyy - you're too fucking close!

I wanted to publicly thank Tartblog for her comments on my blog - it's funny that you never know who's reading this stuff... thanks Tart!

24.7.01

Lingo came to rehearsal for The Wine Seller (we're rehearsing both plays in the same community center) and she'd read Sinister and loved it. She said she couldn't put it down. That, for me, is a very good opinion because she had absolutely no idea what it was about or what to expect - plus she's been in or seen all of my plays before so she knows what I've written before. It was a nice little perk for the evening. One actor out sick - I have yet to have the entire cast present at one rehearsal... argh! Getting some acting work done - still trying to be gentle with 'em and let them find some stuff before I start a little more influential guidance. Very glad I cast Sarah, she's a great anchor for the cast and we share much common ground. I made post cards for the plays today at Kinko's. Work sucked. And I've got four hours of meetings tomorrow and that totally sucks balls. Big time.

22.7.01

Today was one of those wonderful solitary days. Got in from clubbing at 4am and then slept to 8:30am and got up, worked out, went shopping (I'm on a quest for plain-front khaki shorts), went to the theatre bookstore and on the way back took my self to see Jurassic Park III. Why must we endure that moustache on William H. Macy? The movie was pretty straightforward - not much plot - just run from the dinosaurs. And again - the only kid in it has to have the standard issue kid-in-a-movie-with-a-1960s bowlcut. If I was stranded on an island of dinosaurs I'd be shaved head, loincloth and all Lord of the Flies in the first day. Of course the dinosaur animation was astounding. The pteranodon sequence was the best part of the whole flick. I only paid $5 to see the movie so I feel like that was worth it totally. And now I'm home and the four hours of sleep I had today is starting to point me towards slumber.

21.7.01

"In theory few men are as free as a playwright. He can bring the whole world on to his stage. But in fact he is strangely timid. He looks at the whole of life, and like all of us he only sees a tiny fragment; a fragment, one aspect of which catches his fancy. Unfortunately he rarely searches to relate his detail to any larger structure - it is as though he accepts without question his intuition as complete, his reality as all of reality. It is as though his belief in his subjectivity as his instrument and his strength precludes him from any dialectic between what he sees and what he apprehends. So there is either the author who explores his inner experience in depth and darkness, or else the author who shuns these areas, exploring the outside world - each one thinks his world is complete. If Shakespeare had never existed we would quite understandably theorise that the two can never combine. The Elizabethan Theatre did exist, though - and awkwardly enough we have this example constantly hanging over our heads." - Peter Brook, the Buddha of Western theatre (courtesy of Greensprout)

Went to see Naked and Shameless in concert at Lyon's Den. I had a good time - the Gap/J. Crew crowd didn't seem to get it though - plus, Matt was coming from opening night of a play so he was already in a really ornery mood - but that's what makes Buck 'Fuckin' Naked so much fun. They sing this song whose only lyrics are 'Let's get fucked up. Let's do some stuff. Let's get fucked up.' I love it. I felt a little out of place because I was dressed for clubbing in olive khakis and a black muscle-shirt. I was the only guy there showing shoulder - ah well. Did I mention how goddamn hot it is in this city? Had to leave one of the clubs early because I was just over-heating. I'd drunk a tall bottle of water on the way to the bar and it was determined to all sweat out before the night was over. Felt sort of gross. Met Richard for a drink at Sidetrack, it seemed to be geriatric Fridays for some strange reason. A lot of male pattern baldness in da house. Then went to Roscoe's and saw Nomi, Adil, Dan and Michael. Stayed there probably an hour and taxi-ed home. Going to Ikea with Brigitte this morning/afternoon, dinner with Jim @ 6. This is the kind of weather where you just want to take a cool shower every three hours - makes me think of Body Heat or Streetcar Named Desire. Designed an album cover for my trance CD - if I ever finish it - if I ever really start it. It's gonna be called Visionary Muffin-Pan. That is how Beth once described me - that I have all of these different visions that bake up in different compartments, themes and media. I love Beth. Wish she'd stop this 'I love my family' foolishness and move back up here to party with us.

20.7.01

Ran eight miles again last night. I was asking Brent at work how long he runs and he's like, "Oh - I usually start at around 16 miles." Fuck that. We'll get there. If we really want to.

They were having a multi-company teleconference in HR today on generational demographics and hiring/recruiting practices. They detailed the Mature generation, the Boomers and the X-ers. The Matures follow the rules, the Boomers self-indulge and the X-ers have short attention spans. I left the meeting after the first half-hour.

Dropped by the agency that's had my proofs for a whole week. I hate to be disagreeable but I really need to move on this shit. It is a little aggravating. Took the train up to have lunch with Alan - he was cleaning out their old house, now that they're in their new place in the burbs. We went to Heartland Cafe up off the Morse Red Line stop. It was yummy. I have acupuncture at 4 today (or 5?) and then I'm having dinner with Jim to discuss some business-y stuff. Going to see Naked and Shameless's final Chicago concert at 10. Might go out clubbing afterwards.

Totally loving this album from Mindless Self Indulgence. I only like a half of the CD but it's really manic punk hip-hop type stuff. The front man is vicious (I think his name is Johnny Urine) and half the time you have no idea what they're saying. One song starts with I love my mommy cause she fucks the shit out of my dad.

I just realized I hadn't put the July archive link up - gotta do that this weekend.

19.7.01

One of my early self-help book addictions was the texts of Peter McWilliams - he's passed now and the texts to all of his books are available on his website for free.

Minor scuffle yesterday when I tried to get one of my ex-bosses (now a consultant) to find someone else to do her typing and copying. We both got very defensive. I just wanted to blurt out: I haven't worked here four years to be typing people's shit for them. Yes it's funny and cute to joke about how Luddite this consultant is but it's a pain in the ass when I come in in the morning and there's a stack of things for me to do. I gently tried to suggest someone in her client departments might be able to offer support. Or maybe you could type it out yourself. I'm very volatile lately. Low tolerance for just about everything.

18.7.01

Boxing this morning rocked. It's starting to get in my bones and I'm starting to hit back a little harder. Learned a few blocks and pins today which is useful since I'm short. So is the Jerome, the instructor.

Yesterday totally kicked my ass. I was all over the place. At least acupuncture forces me to take a nap for an hour. Blocked episodes 1 and 2 of Sinister last night. I love directing. I get this huge grin on my face when I'm doing it. Totally love it. My gaze is so crazy when I'm doing it. I hope it doesn't scare the actors. Sarah and Nicole are trying to figure out how to justify the whole arc they got since I added the last line twist to the whole story. Went to Tomasso's afterwards to deliver a CD with a client's project on it to him. I know I looked like holy hell walking in. He said, 'I don't see how you keep going!' I'm finding myself getting enveloped in the need to be integral - and to what? - to a multiline insurance company that really doesn't give a crap about me as a person.

17.7.01

If you want something done, ask a busy person. That's the saying and it is totally true today. It is sorta amazing how much I've been able to get done in the past six hours. I have requests and emails and voicemails and errands flyign at me from all directions and I'm gracefully in the fray performing at peak functioning, doling out solutions, documents, deliverables, support, accesses and suggestions at light speed. It is thrilling to some degree. But at the same time I remember my addiction to this kind of 'being needed'-ness. It is great to be the lynchpin in so many projects. But that just means it's harder for me to take vacation - people expect too much of me - I have iotas of small but crucial invovlement in dozens of projects. It is great to be needed but it is terrible to be consumed. I need a day off. Maybe Thursday. We'll see. I keep saying that. I was going to take today off after yesterday - but yesterday didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would. Friday was hellish and it turns out the project I burned my adrenal glands out on didn't even get deployed. Fuckers. Motherfuckers. I knew it. I said: 'Who reads emails send on Friday afternoons?' NO ONE.

Had dinner with my girlfriend from pre-school. Maria and I used to hold hands and walk to kindergarten together. We remained friends all through high school. Maria revealed events happening in high school that I barely knew about and didn't know how important I was in supporting her through all of these trials. You never know who you're supporting I guess. Maria looks the same - a little bigger - she's had two kids. But her face is the same as it was 23 years ago. She's got a husband who I think looks a little like me. She's totally different but totally the same. As am I, I'm sure. She was surprised at the 'big news' since I was always so interested in girls. And impressed at the transformation I've made since high school and said she reminded me of Brian, guy we went to high school with - the big man on campus. It was a great compliment (as the opening bars of Marylin Manson's "The Beautiful People" starts in the back of my head).

Tonight I'm hoping to block episodes one and two so we can start working on the acting next week. It's gonna be a tight process but lots of fun. I think since it is so intense it forces you to stop struggling and just give in to the process. I'm totally directing from the hip.

16.7.01

Much to report - I'll try to recap by the end of today. Finished the script for Sinister last night. Mostly tweaking. Was able to get in early today and get the scripts copied before my meeting. I am feeling really dulled out today. The scripts are gonna be fine - edited, added and deleted some stuff. Sat in a meeting and did the blocking for the show - we're doing a read-through of the new script today and then I hope to block at least the first two episodes.

Bought Frankenstein Girls May Appear Strangely Sexy by a group called Mindless Self Indulgence. It is really obnoxious, ultra-caffeinated punk rock - I'm using it for the show. One song's chorus is Dicks are for my friends when they come to my house! or I've been denied all the best ultra-sex. Shoot me now, fuck me later. Also using some Bjork and a mix of Destiny's Child's Survivor. And of course a song off Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.

Had dinner with Tomasso on Friday - sushi. Then we saw Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

which was visually stunning. As with Shrek the detail - down to the last strand of hair is what is so amazing... the pores in the skin of each character. The faces were a little dead and not as animated as real actors reacting in a real-er situation and I was surprised at the spirituality and ecology in the film.

Saturday night I went out to a club called Zentra with Matt, Liv and Ben for Ben's birthday. It was an okay club. I am still always puzzled by VIP sections. We finally got into the one at this place and it was thoroughly unimpressive and half of it was outside in a patio. I can stand outside at home. And the herds of conspicuous trendies was a little grating. Danced upstairs there until 2 and then went to Circuit until 4:30. Ran into Stephen ("I want the cookies.") and Timmy who said CuntBastard was there. I made my way to the dance floor and passed him - made sure he saw me but I didn't make eye contact. He promptly left. Fucking asshole. I win. Ended up dancing and making out with this girl named Ally. It was strange. Also saw Michael and Jorge and Peter and John. Got home around 4:30.

Got up at 8:30 - couldn't go back to sleep. Went running - did eight miles for the first time. On the way back ran into Peter and friends going to an afterhours party - at 11 am. Back home in Indiana we call that brunch.

OH MY GOD - one of my co-workers is talking so loud I think I'm going to lose my mind.

11.7.01

Went and reserved rehearsal space for Sinister for the entire rehearsal process - it's gonna be a blast - we only have nine rehearsals to get all three episodes up and running. Then I went to SportMart and bought wrestling shoes for boxing (Jerome sez I need shoes with less traction). Ran into Richard at SportMart and we went to Caribou where he worked on a grant and I worked on the new draft of Sinister. There's something satisfying when you know that you're the bomb. As I re-read the scripts I knew what needed to be fixed and why. And I know how to more fully flesh out episode three to make it as fun a ride as the other two eps are. It was very satisfying to know that I'm understanding the craft and machineryu behind playmaking.

Yes I'm gonna miss WebVan, alot. I loved it. It's a pity they burned through a billion in 18 months - wish I could try that sometime. But give me a fucking break Salon!

"Now we all feel shame." ..... "I was one of those people who wanted a candy bar, and had it delivered," said one man plaintively. "Now I feel depraved. Those low-dollar items -- that was what killed Kozmo."
"After sitting at home in my bathrobe, and having some nice man hand me my movie, how can I ever go back to Blockbusters?" asked one woman. "It's like living in a Third World country." Said a young man, a retail clerk: "I'm just so tired now. I'm tired all the time."
"When I heard about Kozmo, I started worrying about Vindigo [an online service that allows mobile device users to call up the location of the best restaurants, coffee shops, bookstores, etc. in 20 cities]. Vindigo can't go away. It's a public service. People won't be able to function."
Never under-estimate the ability of Americans to be self-absorbed.

He writes in his online journal on the world wide web.

The Chicago migration continues - Sara and Brian are moving up here. Sara in 6 weeks and Brian in January. Though we're losing Matt which sucks totally - he's going to teach at Indiana University. The deal fell through on mom and dad selling the house but they said they already have an interested buyer. Jessi and Alan move in to their place this weekend.

I've got a new peeve: people who only work eight hours a week bitching about how broke they are. Or I guess conspicuous poverty. I'm serious - if you only work three hours a day three days a week you're gonna have no goddamn money. This of course launched into a contest to see who had the most poverty-stricken upbringing. I wish Matt was there - his family-of-four-in-one-room-on-food-stamps-and-welfare beats everyone. Or Monica can speak to that as well. I mean I can trot out the raised-by-two-teachers-with-one-staying-home-to-raise-the-kids-no-vacations-to-afford-music-lessons-and-Catholic-high-school scenario. When I was a kid all of our furniture was made out of boards bolted together with metal nuts and bolts - talk about cuts and scrapes. That and we had a coffeetable that Heather and I always rammed into it's corners bruising and cutting our faces and shoulders. I will always remember Dan Savage's remark on NPR that children are demise-seeking missiles - that they're always looking for ways to destroy themselves. Hell, that sounds like some of my friends now.

10.7.01

Read through of Sinister went great last night. We have a fun cast with a nice collection of voices and manners that made the lines fun to hear out loud of the first time. I was so relieved. I breathed a collective sigh as everybody left - this will not be the play where everyone figures out that I'm just a two-bit hack. I think it is part of the terror of creativity - that you're gonna be 'found out.' That someone will expose you for the creative 98-pound weakling you know you really are. This of course contrasted with the reality of previous successes that if an attitude adjustment is made you realize that it is a good predictor for future successes. Trying to figure out how to put a nice twist on the first plot in episode three - the second plot does a great little Rod Serling pop - trying to figure out how to do the same with the stalking plot. It will be fun working with a cast of all new actors - except for Sarah - this is my fourth play working with her - fifth if you count Mierka's show... she helped break the collective ice of the evening. And Karen as always, by my side, my producer always the voice of reason and calm while my little brain is spinning in overtime. I've noticed that about my anxiety - that part of the reason I'm where I am today is because my brain seems able to take an idea and just sort of spin around it and compile layers of detail and analysis very quickly. So when I get a worry or concern my brain does the same thing - I spin out all possible (worst case) scenarios and before I know it I've figured out how I could stroke out in the middle of a meeting on learning management systems.

8.7.01

Just got off the phone with Maria - my girlfriend from pre-school. She's coming up to Chicago next week and we're gonna hang out. It will be crazy to see her. She's got two kids and her husband supposedly looks like me. Maria and I used to walk hand in hand to kindergarten together. I haven't seen her in like eight years. This will be quite fun. I think she sorta named one of her kids after me too. I just want to ask her what she remembers me being like - to have people like that that knew you when you were so so young and then ask them - 'who the hell was I?' or 'who do you remember me as?' just seems so intriguing. Do that kind of research into your past and ask people what they remember you being when you were that young. I try to remember when I was unstoppable.

Ran this morning on the lake - it's really warm this weekend. I am almost done with a draft of episode three of Sinister then I'm gonna go to the Gap, get some computer paper - come back and start editing the three episodes. We have a read-through tomorrow. I don't feel like the third episode is as good as the other two. I'm hoping the cast can give me some useful ideas and feedback on what else belongs in the third episode.

6.7.01

I had lunch yesterday with one of my co-workers, Laurie, a totally hip cool lady... she's all about Kwanzaa in December and when I complained about the heat a few days ago she's like - 'I love it - it's Africa-hot!' Whatever... like I say - 'It's Irish foggy out today' or 'That's German fascist, don't you think?' Anyways - we was havin' lunch and she was giving me advice on stuff and was going to recommend an accountant for me to talk to and she prefaced it with 'Are you prejudiced?' And I answered, 'Not except for the blacks and the Jews.' She almost fell on the floor. Or I flipped off Jeff today as I passed his cubicle - something Karen and Brigitte and I do absent-mindedly all the time - just flipping eachother off for no real reason. Jeff's tall so when no one was looking I got one my tip-toes and saw him across the rows of cubicles and said 'hey Jeff!' and I flicked him off. So funny. Until I get fired, right?

Not sore from boxing yesterday at all - a little back stiffness but no wrist pain (which is really a good thing).

This morning as I was waiting for the bus the riff-raff was talking about the economy and I actually got called a 'dot-com kid.' And then they really went nuts when I was on my cellphone. Part of me did it just to aggravate them - I should have gotten out the Palm V to really rattle their cage. The one guy actually used the concept 'planned obsolesence' quite aptly.

Currently overplaying U2's 'Elevation.' Something about the way the song starts out and then totally kicks into gear is so fucking badass. I know my sister will tear my nuts off if I go see Tomb Raider but I still want to go after seeing the U2 video.

5.7.01

Boxing rocked this morning. I'm not as sore as I was last week. Still kicked my ass though.

Once again, I see one of my 'big ideas' already being done and successful. Dammit!

Yesterday was probably one of the best days of the year. It was so nice to be out in the weather all day and it was plenty sunny. Karen, Lingo and I got to the beach at 10am to reserve a spot for our cookout - the place was already packed. Obnoxious assholes had their trucks taking up to three parking spots at a time to reserve them (this drive me nuts and had me screaming inside the car). Luckily we followed the cop in and so people started moving their cars to take up just spot at a time. I had packed the cooler with all the sodas left over from my plays in March as well as Coronas and a bottle of wine and a bottle of chardonnay I was trying to get rid of. Also brought bratwurst to grill up as well. It was so nice to be in the sun all day - used lots of sunscreen and only a small patch (where I can't reach) got burnt. Even braved the waves in my square cut navy Speedo - I felt naked with it on. Very strange. Immediately put my shorts back on once we got out of the Jesus-Christ-It-Is-So-Fucking-Cold Lake Michigan. Buck Naked and Dave Shameless came and did a guerilla concert for us, too. In all about twenty people joined us throughout the day for grillin' and swillin'. Everybody got along - no intrigue, no undercurrents. Then after that party we went to Jen and Jason's for more grilling out and blowing shit up (Sarah and Scott had driven to Indiana that morning and bought a bitchload of fahr-werx). A day leaving me happy and proud of and lucky to have this wonderful group of friends around me.

My proofs from my headshots look awesome - I'm very pleased. Lots of different sides of Andy. Very pleased. Mr. McConkey does it again.

3.7.01

Saw a stunning woman on the bus this morning. Dark brown skin and golden eyes. Medium length hair in tightly curled frond... full lips and a collarbone worth a nibble. Hypnotic eyes.

from The Portable Coach

Identify the ten most important people in [your] life and focus on them - instad of trying juggle [your] once-large Rolodex.

To have your name removed from the lists credit card companies get from the reporting agencies to send you credit card offers (I get one at least every other day) - call 1-888-567-8688 to have your information secured for Equifax, Transunion and Experian.

2.7.01

Rented Scary Movie and Unbreakable last night. I thought Scary Movie was pretty damn dumb - it's a lame attempt to cash in on the success of the Scream movies (of course it worked). The funniest part was when the killer is chasing the big girl and she cries out, 'Don't kill me! I'm only a day player.' It reminds me of the need to write screenplays that make agents and producers laugh. That for the most part 'real' people don't come in contact with movies until the test screenings. So write to appease and please the moneybags. Unbreakable was a really great idea in a so-so film. The ending had a nice twist. And why does every little boy in ever movie have to have the Brady Brunch reject bowl hair cut? My sons are never allowed to have that. That and rat-tails. Anything but a goddamn rat-tail. Or mullets. At that to the list too.

Mom and dad got back from the beach. Work is lame today. Had a good workout yesterday and cardio this morning. Gearing up for the boxing damage on Wednesday. I'm finally stopped being sore on Sunday.

Bored bored bored... argh.

1.7.01

Hysterial: Cartoon Network is playing a Merrie Melodies with Hitler flying into Moscow - little imps are attacking his plane as they sing 'we're gremlins from the Kremlin' to the tune of the Volga Boat Song. So surprised they didn't censor this. There's swastikas and everything.

29.6.01

Bored out of my skull sitting here a voice-data conference. I need to get a phone headset so I'm not always straining my neck and shoulder with holding hte handpiece up to my ear. My vision is blurry right now because I'm so out of it. I'm listening to a demo of a conferencing program and there really isn't any reason why I should be sitting here. It sucks, man. And I really really really have to take a piss and we've got twenty minutes left in the conference. Argh!

In an effort to remove myself from Microsoft dependence I downloaded Sun's free office suite StarOffice last night. It is compatible with Word, Excel, Access and Powerpoint and also offers an email client, a media player and a browser. Now if I can only get a non-Windows machine. I feel the beginnings of a throat infection - that swelling in the back of my throat and the need to drink huge amounts of water. Today is a lazy day. I'm going to the gym tomorrow. The boxing really put me down - I need some toughening up though, right? Erik said he could tell I've lost weight in my love handles and stomach and remarked at my 'tits' at lunch yesterday. Unfortunately since I've seen Fight Club twice in the past two weeks all I can think of is Meatloaf's bitch tits. It is funny that I process the boxing instruction in terms of music and rhythm from my piano background and the body positioning in terms of my dance training.

28.6.01

I am so sore. Jesus. My back hurts like no weights workout could do. Had dinner with Tommaso last night after acupuncture. Had a nice anxiety attack in the middle of our walk to dinner. I tried to stay low-key and I think I made it through alright but Erik noticed as he walked by with his dog. Why are you sweating so much? Luckily, Tommaso was talking to some friends and didn't hear. I quietly related to Erik I'm having an anxiety attack. And it was soon over in about five minutes. I started Zoloft again two days ago. I'm gonna do a half-dose like I was doing last year at this time. Enough to help me ease back from the abyss but not enough that I'm not pissed off enough to write. I just feel un-stable lately. Too many projects. As always. As usual. I need a vacation. Though I know that I really get no break until mid-August after Sinister opens. I feel a-wash.

I keep thinking of my propensity to always try and do too much. I feel like I need to just drop everything for a month and then re-group and re-prioritize all of my little personal projects I've got going. Really want to get the theatre site back up and running - I've got some cool ideas for it.

My back will not move today. I feel like I have a board inserted back there.

Had lunch with Erik at Big Bowl. We always go there and always say we're going to go somewhere different but then we don't. But it's so good. Erik commented on my pale complexion as of late. Of course he's Mexican-Guatemalan so he's brown year roun'. Maybe I'll hit the fake bake tonight.

27.6.01

Had another boxing lesson today. My first of ten. Jerome, the instructor, kicked my ass. I immediately came out of the gym and bought some ibuprofen. I will not be able to get out of bed tomorrow. I was feeling sort of tired and I'm like 'oh we must be near the end' and I look over at the clock and it's only a half-hour into the fifty-minute session. Ouch.

26.6.01

Just when I think that maybe corporate interests aren't really defecating on the rights of this planet's citizens I find something like this: Coca-Karma - how Coca-Cola ripped off one guy for a billion dollar idea. We're moving more and more everyday to corporation-nations and brands instead of ethnicities.

The Palm V is singing Patsy Cline - 'I'm back in baby's arms..'

This rocks: Pud over at FuckedCompany has a little flip book of idealab!'s incredibly shrinking client list.

24.6.01

Just got in from the day's revels. Met the crew at Matt and Brian's - half of us went to Ann Sather and then watched the parade. I then visited Eric's place and a guy was there that has had a crush on me for the longest time. He finally confessed it in a drunken conversation a few months ago - he wanted to 'break me'. The highlight of my day was him rubbing up against me chanting 'I want the cookies! I want the cookies!' So much for innuendo. Stayed at Eric's and drank till about 8pm and then went to Circuit for an hour or so and then Roscoe's. Ended up booty dancing with Eric's friend Ventura and his cousin Humberto - they're awfully close to be cousins. They made an Andy-sandwich at one point. As they say in Ferris Bueller - 'oh so they're that kind of family.'

Had a good time last night. Was supposed to meet Xxxx at Sidetrack but when I saw the line that was a block long I knew he didn't have the patience to wait there. So I called him and he was at home with some friends so I walked to his apartment past Circuit which had a similar line at midnight. Got to Xxxx's and he warned me that they were snorting coke and smoking pot. Big schmeal. I turned down the coke - my allergies are bad enough already with out shoving shit up there. Didn't hit the pot either. Maybe it's because I haven't indulged in drugs that I find them so boring. What always makes me laugh is how casual drug use in real life is compared to the media's portrayal of peer pressure and background soundtrack a la Traffic. We're bored. We shop. We roll. We toke. We drink. We fuck. Stayed there for about an hour and a half. Then left to wait in line at Circuit. Matt was coming home from bowling so he waited in line with me and then went on home. Circuit was packed but not impossible. I just love the mix they have there. So tribal. Immediately went to the washroom line to take care of business and then got out on the dance floor. Danced for about an hour and a half and then walked home with Shaman and then got a taxi from there. Ran into Rafael before I left and asked him if he'd seen CuntBastard and he said no and I intimated there was a very very long story behind all of that. Got home as the sun came up at 5 and then went to bed. Going to Matt's to watch the parade go by.

Matt's dad's celebrate 25 years of couplehood in a few weeks.

That's amazing.

from The Portable Coach: (I'm on a self-help binge lately)

For those who are too caught up in their lifestyles, other people take on the quality of being extras, bit players in the movie that is their life. It's important to amake a distinction - who is an asset and who is just an adjunct - becuase ssallow reltionhips tend to be high maintennance either in money, time or both. I'm just suggesting that you identify who in your life adds joy and energy versus who merely supports, entertains or assists you.
Chew on that.

23.6.01

Heather and Brooks called to say that Tomb Raider is a shit-hole of a movie.

The new Mitsubishi Eclipse commercial really got me. It's the one with two couples and a group of three women in their cars bouncing to music. I think the simplicity is what gets me. That and we all know the excitement of being in the car with music turned up loud and your buddy is paying for the gas or somebody's getting a Chug and you sit in the car and just enjoy the booming bass surrounding you and you know the night is going to be fun. I like the three black chicks in the car - they're just sitting in a gas station jamming. It's elegant and a little glam without being 'too perfect.' And the song rocks. It oozes cool.

Then there's the new Levi's super-low on the hips jeans commercial which has animated navels singing 'I'm coming out.' Does anyone else find the obvious vaginal metaphors here totally repellent? I remember reading about a porno called Chatterbox - the inverse of Deep Throat where instead of a woman having a clitoris in her vocal tract she has a voice box in her snatch.

22.6.01

Very very very hard day. I got up and went to the gym. I was late to work because I had to go to the salon I went to the day before and I left with their men's room key. Something is disconnected in me right now. Common sense seems to be a thing I have dis-possessed. Got to work at 9:30 and immediately found out my day would be dominated with four hours of meetings and demos. I didn't get time to go get my Palm V. I had to cancel lunch with Erik. And I missed another acupuncture appointment. The night before I spent with a designer and a client I'm the go-between for regarding a book cover - we were at a Kinko's trying to do the last few changes to the design. We crashed two computers trying to get the work done. It was awful. And they had Photoshop 5.5 which really sucked ass in my opinion. I'm totally biased towards Macromedia because I never learned the Adobe stuff but watching the designer use Photoshop - things seemed really counterintuitive. Maybe Illustrator is better. It was a very very frustrating evening.

Went with Brigitte and Kevin to see With or Without Wings. Laughed even more than when I saw it two weeks ago - Mierka's timing is impeccable and she had to stop the show a couple of times because the over-sold house was rolling in the aisles. I giggled through the whole show and when I wasn't laughing I was crying. Had a really good cry. Mierka is such an inspiration - I hope I'm that cool in five years. When Mierka says: 'And I knew the only place where I could get the arts training I needed was in... Dayton, Ohio' the audience fell to pieces - so many of us are fellow alumni of Wright State and she imitates at least two characters that many of us knew personally. I just don't feel like I can go out tonight. The show is too important. I haven't really stopped moving all week anyway so I'm happy to just have a Friday night alone - even if it is Pride Weekend. But you know what? It's the same people in the same clubs dancing to the same music... Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Market Days, IML... it's always the same thing... which if that's what you're looking for is fine. It seems all my gay friends have circles of friends that are all gay. I don't know if that's a function of them coming out and then moving to Chicago or coming out and losing their current friends that couldn't deal with it. I find I resist that Big Gay Life at times. But I resist the Big Straight Life as well. Walking around Lincoln Park and everyone is packed into the bars drinking and carousing and pretending to have a grand time - you can see the same thing in Boystown. Amusing ourselves to death... again I come off as Anti-Fun. It's my Catholic upbringing checking in again. Pleasure = Bad. Me and my conspicuous depth.

Says the guy that got his chest waxed yesterday. It didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would. It was really funny. I was sorta nervous going into a skin care salon - not the most comfortable place for guys, right? One girl was in because she had some kind of home-waxing debacle that effected peals of laughter when she took the receptionist in the back room to show off her mangled tuft. I told them about Brigitte ripping out her eyelashes when she tried at home eyebrow waxing. The I managed to warm the place up when one of the receptionists was talking about partying in Lake Geneva and going to a strip club and I'm like, 'Are you talking about the Sugar Shack?' And suddenly in the den of feminine beauty we're talking tittybars and lapdances. That was when I had the lapdance that cried. Talk about guilt. Her manager had just bitched her out and she's wiping her eyes of tears as she's grinding her thong in my face and I am having a hard time trying to objectify and empathize at the same time. Good racket to get a good tip though. But the smooth chest feels great - who needs asian boys? I'm kidding! I'm kidding!I got it waxed for my photo shoot on Monday. Trying to tame any skin irritations currently. I'll get bored with it and let it grow out again, I'm sure - I just think it makes my physique look better.

I sorta like the new N Synce single, Dirty Pop. It's got a good percussion arrangement. The video is pretty slick - these boys are aging better than the Backstreets. I think because Sync realizes the transience of their popularity and keeps things fun and stays away from the ballads. BSB seems intent on boring the shit out people with sappy drippy ballads.

Oh and I can't go to Popstars auditions - they're checking IDs so they'll probably immediately weed me out for being gasp! 26.

21.6.01

Gonna go pick up my Palm V at the taxi office tomorrow morning. Damn. I was all set to buy a Visor Edge!

I left my umbrella on the train this morning.

20.6.01

I just left my Palm V in a taxi.

19.6.01

Lifted and ran this morning. SO hungry right now but trying to do the two hour wait after cardio before eating. Sometimes I wonder if my fitness obsession is even worth it. I figure that I've come this far and look like I do now so why not go the extra mile and really get ripped? Testing for the web app is going well - kina - better than I thought or would have suspected that's for sure. Trying to decide if I want to wake up early Saturday and go audition for Popstars. Their age cut-off is 25 though. Hmm...

Testing for our online web app has gone well - started 12 hours late but it finally got underway yesterday afternoon and responses have been good.

Got my hair cut today. Probably the most traditionally masculine place I frequent would be Frank's Barber Shop on Van Buren. Though my barber's name is Lisa. She's a stitch and her ogling always puts me in a good mood. Our time together always concludes with her holding the mirror behind me so I can check out the back of my neck in the front mirror and I look off to the side and say things like 'Hey...' or 'How ya doin'?' as if I'm cruising to the side at a bar stool. We have way too much fun cutting my hair. Got it a little longer than usual since I have headshots on Monday morning.

Not too 'gayed' up about pride weekend this weekend. I think since the past two weekends were so busy I just want a quiet one. It is funny that last year at this time I was a party machine. CuntBastard and I would have dinner and then toss down three martinis each and head out to the clubs till about three and then have breakfast and even get Krispy Kremes. That was a strange period of partying - sort of making up for all the partying I didn't do in college. I don't regret the fun times we had. But the impending crash of a destructive 'friend'ship was forseeable from even this far back. I try to Let Go and Let God but I wish CuntBastard much ill will. I hope he gets battery acid enemas and prison rape for a thrice daily dessert. I know I should let God take care of things on God's Time. But God didn't owe the IRS $12,000 now did s/he? It is funny how during the actual investigation and tracking down process of the CuntBastard saga I didn't have an anxiety attack. I was calm and cool and detached. I think that reality had become so unreal that I just had no point of reference to freak out over anything. And then today I have a brief anxious episode when two people are at my cubicle at the same time. I'm considering if I should go back on anti-depressants or what. It is crippling to constantly live in fear that your face is going to turn bright red and sweat is going to pour from your forehead and everyone is staring at you. And you just have to wait it out - no amount of yoga or breathing or affirmation or psychobabble bullshit seems able to extricate you from this tendency to over-heat. Yavgeny, my acupuncturist (my newest alternative healing venture to attack this malady) says that it is my internal body heat energy from the Water elemental energy in my Kidneys and having too much defensive chi. It gets to the point where you aren't having anxiety attacks over a situation - but the anticipation of having an anxiety attack over the situation. A meta-anxiety attack. I knew I'd get meta one way or another. It is embarrassing and awful. That I can dance shirtless in front of a crowd all come hither but if someone closes a door at a meeting I start to freak out. It is the perfect impediment to my progress - totally irrational so I can't combat it with my usual mental arsenal. Totally unpredictable. What am I so scared of? Why do I allow myself to live in this much fear? When did someone tell me I wasn't good enough so deeply that I believed them? It is so ridiculous but it holds me back. I can't walk into a photo shoot or an audition in this state - I have before and it is always a disaster. I don't mind being a nervous wreck - I just hate showing it. And then to hear people describe me as totally confident and unshakable and unstoppable floors me. I feel so bored lately. Nothing seems to be grabbing my attention lately. I've lost touch with my dreams. Everything seems so hopeless. This whole 20th birthday of AIDS thing has affected me more than I'd ever think. 40 million people in sub-Saharan Africa. That is just so fucking unreal. And the politics and manipulations with the issue in the United States on both sides of the coin. AIDS is the perfect disease, striking us in one of our weakest parts of our selves - our libido. In a world that glorifies constant sex with multiple partners it was perfectly calibrated to destroy and raze generations of men, women and children. It reminds that every sexual act or union is more than exchange of hearts or lusts - it is a physical exchange that can explode beyond the two people and affect an entire society. We are responsible. We are all responsible with every sex act we do. Every decision can affect how this monster behaves and spreads. I think I'm over-reacting to one side from a very Catholic morality but I know that if I logged on to some chat rooms there'd be a world of 'consequence'-less sex available to my door within a half-hour. I see AIDS as coming up through the classes in this country as violence has - there will be some Columbine-like event where all of sudden we wake up and straight rich white kids are dying off in record numbers and it will be too late. So I sit here feeling creatively barren and emotionally empty at this crazy world.

18.6.01

Does this guy scare the shit out of you too?

Getting ready to start a new draft of episode two of Sinister. I'm considering moving my computer into the bedroom for the summer since it's cooler in the middle room where the air conditioner is. Hmmm... I shall meditate on the situation. Made it through the day grain-less.

Non-Controversial Christ Painting Under Fire From Art Community: (The Onion)
"Perhaps we can reach some sort of compromise," Anderson said. "I don't want to go so far as to soak the painting in the menstrual blood of a 13-year-old girl, as some have demanded, but I'm open to other suggestions. We might be able to scare up a pint or two of rhino vomit to splash on the canvas. And I know candied yams can be mashed into a nice, viscous paste and spread pretty easily. Personally, I like the painting as it is, but if a little shock is all it takes to calm everybody down, I'm all for it."

"In my 1997 piece 'Shitrock Salad (Eat 'Em Upp) #79,' I placed myself in a sealed plexiglass coffin for eight days with only a slender tube providing me air, while maggots writhed about my ranch-dressing-covered body," performance artist Eugene Weaver said. "While I admit 'Jesus Rising' shows some skill in composition and color, I think Nunez could have made a far more powerful statement by scourging his naked flesh with broken glass, rolling in a bed of salt, and crucifying himself on an old metal mattress frame."

I remember when I was in middle school reading a book about a guy that made contact through a computer with a two-dimensional world. It was an entrancing book whose images remain burned in my brain forever - these two-dimensional animals and citizens of a 2-D world. And I just stumbled across it online after reading other articles about flat worlds. This just goes to show you what a huge geek I was in middle school - why others were out shooting hoops I was contemplating the ramifications of two-dimensional organisms.

17.6.01

Just got done watching Fight Club. It's one of those movies/novels I wish I'd written - mixing brutal, testosterone-drive violence with anti-capitalist, anarchist ideology. And Helena Bonham Carter hasn't looked this good since Miss Honeychurch in Room With A View.

I visited my neighborhood grocery for the first time since it's been made-over. I walk up and a guy is waiting to welcome me and asks if I need a cart? What? This is strange. My ghetto grocery has made a step forward. The inside was mostly redone - not as garish and 60's-reject as before. Things were much cleaner. Very different from the hellhole it used to be. I may even trust their deli. Happy to learn that honey-roasted peanuts have very little more carbs than dry roasted. I need something crunchy to munch on. I've got lemon marinated chicken finishing baking in the oven and I just made a salad for the meals tomorrow.

There is something inherently erotic about the little Yoplait yogurt Expresse things. A carnal wink as I wrap my lips around a long tube and then squeeze it from the bottom up to feel it's sweet parcel pour into my mouth. I'm thinking they test-marketed on nymphomaniacs. 'For the last time people we can't make the tube any thicker!' At the same time I do not feel I could consume one of these yogurt-on-the-go treats in public. It's way too connotated.

Very busy weekend. Friday called all my actors to offer them their roles. Over half have accepted so far so that's good. Might have to re-cast some if I get any more rejections. That night I went over to Karen's and slept through Oh, Brother Where Art Thou? and watched Quills. I liked Quills from the idea that no matter you what you keep creating. Even if you are chained naked in a dungeon you write your story on the walls in your own shit if that is what it takes. It also got me a little inspired to start writing some dirty prose.

Let us rejoice and be glad: Vidalia onions are in season. If you have never partaken you must pick one up at your grocery and integrate it into your cooking.

Film shoot all day on Saturday. I was the first shot of the day and the last. So I thought I'd go home in between, right? They drop me off at a train stop and then I realize that this part of the blue line doesn't operate on weekends. So I take the Cermak bus to Madison and start walking east. Through the projects. I got off the bus and looked around me and thought, 'I'm not safe here.' Definitely felt like a moving target. Finally a taxi came by honking at me to see if I need a lift. I got in and fell asleep - fucking ride took forever though. Then I got home and had about an hour and a half before I had to go get back on the train and do the whole thing again. Not a great use of my day. Should've stayed there and hung out instead of traipsing. Went to Tommaso's and we had Leona's delivered and watched some episodes of Sex in the City. I hadn't watched any of it before... thought it was alright - I can see why everyone loves it - I like the Seinfeld aspect to it. Sunday brunch at Feast for Lingo's birthday - I had a mimosa - it was yummy. And a smoothie and a garbage omelette. Brigitte and I shared a dessert called Chocolate Nemesis. Came home and promptly ran six miles and then started my usual Sunday cleaning spree in preparation for the week. Tomorrow is a hard day at work - we're testing this web app that a third-party vendor has been developing for the past few weeks. I've written and delivered all the testing scripts. I hope things go well. I'm packin' just in case. Olivia is gonna be one of the Lovabulls! Felt very 20-something at brunch as we all sat around and discussed our weeks and our lives and our jobs over our omelettes and cocktails... every once in a while Madison Avenue gets it right.

14.6.01

From: Heather
Subject: flip flops

As one of those people who wears sandals because for some reason keeping my feet cool has a way of keeping the rest of me cool (and therefore not pissy) so that I don't bite anyone's heads off. It also means I can't run as fast, making it much easier for developers to escape my wrath.

Anyway, as one of those people, I resent your comment about sandals. If you had floppy sandals, you know you'd be wearing them, and tormenting others with it all the same. In fact, you'd probably do something similar to the time you brought in HOT NOW on a weightwatchers day. Evil, Evil, Evil.

Nyah - heather
Leave it to my sister to put me back in my place.

I'm gonna lose it. Now that it is warm many of the women at work are wearing flip-flip type sandals in the office. You hear them coming and going and circling and flipping and flopping - it is maddening. That and whenever my co-worker Jeff mixes up his yogurt. He doesn't open it up and stir it with a spoon - he violently throttles the Dannon making a moist and icky slapping sound. I'm going nuts.

i won't bitch about the weather i won't bitch about the weather i won't bitch about the weather IT IS SO FUCKING HOT JESUS CHRIST IN HEAVEN!

Shhh: I'm gonna try and get out of work early today so I can play a little bit. I've packed shorts and sunscreen in my backpack. Shhh...

Even if I don't leave early - the idea that I could has seemed to brighten my morning - that and it's Fat Day so I can eat anything I want. I'm tempted to stay on the eating plan for today but I know I'm crashing it with Jim tonight at Ervwin's so might as well make a day of it right?

Totally loving this ShoutCast stream.

13.6.01

It has been an insane past week. I was at a film shoot all day on Saturday and Sunday for a student film. I always forget how long it takes to make a film - film people just run on a different time zone. It was a hard shoot on Saturday - all day in one small room with lights aimed from every window and even more on the ceiling - plus it was our first sunny day in quite some time. I sweated like a pig which was embarrassing and sort of started a snowball effect. Awful - it had me looking up facial antiperspirants that night. But I stayed in there and hung on. Even during the sex scene. Which, by the time we got down to it, was incredibly tedious. Trying to be erotic with that many people in the room is quite a challenge. More shooting on Sunday - this time I was there for four hours to run across a kitchen shirtless for under thirty seconds. Like I said, I love film.

Mierka's show opened on Saturday and it is fucking awesome. She recounts dropping out of DePaul after she is diagnosed with multiple sclerosis - it is crazy to think that Mierka - this vibrant super-charged badass of a girl was nearly wheelchair bound for many months. She is in remission now but her mom has been diagnosed and Mierka has started a foundation to support artists with MS, Mookie Jam. The show is hysterically funny and left me in well-placed, well-deserved tears - not till the very ending did she get sentimental - totally classy. Let 'em cry a little and then black out. If you're in Chicago. Please go see it! If you're not and no someone who is in Chicago - tell them to go see it! If you know anyone whose life has been touched by multiple sclerorisis - please pass the website on to them.

I took Tommaso with me to Mierka's show. I noted that this was the first time I'd brought a guy-date with me to an event with the rest of the gang. He did well among all of my crazy and drunken friends. We went to a birthday party for one of his friends on Sunday. It is so strange - our dates are usually around other people - I joke that 'it's like dating a fucking Mormon, always being chaperoned.' But it does keep the emphasis of our time spent together as light and fun and playful. I'm usually get-down-to-business but hanging out and talking? Gay romance? Who knew!

Last night we had our first night of auditions for The Baum House productions of The Wine Seller (written/directed by Jason) and Sinister (written and directed by me). I finised a final draft of episode one today here at work. Two is ready to be re-typed and three is formative. I like to re-type a play instead of editing it - it gets you in the flow of your writing and I think makes for more organic drama. Sinister is a strange beast. Three episodes with two plots that don't intersect. My logical side screams at me that I should have written two separate plays. The plays do intersect a few times in terms of staging and plotting and dialogue but they do not share the same reality - just the same stage space. It is odd. And I'm thinking of this play as a 'lesser play' anyway so I'm a little more off-guard about 'making a statement' which is fun. I'm focusing on writing fun and actable scenes for actors to blow it out with. Our auditions were huge last night. There must not be much summer theatre going on. We were packed with actors for the three hour cold-reading call. Many great women and some great men as well. Lots of good minority women, which is good. I'm trying to cast outside my usual cadre and and also trying to get some pigment into my usual ensemble since we're all basically whities from Ohio. The roles are not ethnic-specific. I figure ethnicity - or at least a white male playwright writing about it - will come from the performers themselves - their own unique flavor and identity - of which their ancestry is just a small piece of the pie. It's like I have a lesbian couple - I haven't observed many lesbian couples - I'm just trying to write well written scenes of two women struggling in love and let the actresses bring the right energy to it. It is funny to see the cold readings of a scene I wrote just two weeks ago. Eerie. Page to stage never ceases to amaze my little Indiana mind.

Getting new headshots in two weeks. I'm showing a little maturity now that I'm 26 (a few eye wrinkles whispering their arrival) - my old ones look way too boyish. Need to add some more mature 20s looks along with some corporate sexy with glasses type shots. Might see if we can do some body shots as well - we'll see.

Workouts going well. I've gone from three times a week to two lately - running on the lake has been marred due to shit-ass weather but I'm getting back on the horse or if not then doing a quick 20 minute interval run a la Body for Life. Trying to lower carbs lately and increase protein intake. I figure I'm where I'm at now and if I just dedicate a little more I can really be something to drool over.

The world of full-time employment is exactly the same as the world of independent contractor employment. Monday and Tuesday are going to be hard days - we're beta testing a web app from a third-party developer. The best part is that I've never designed user-testing before. The way it work here is if it involves computers then Andy (who 'knows about computers') does it! It's sort of funny. I hope the testing goes well but we've had some bad experiences in the past. I'm suspecting things will be fine but a few hiccups between the scripts I've prepared for the testers and the actual app - which we don't get released to us until Monday morning.

Mom and dad are leaning on me to go to the beach for a few days - I dunno. I might fly down for the weekend or something. I think it is in two weeks though. It would be nice. I do deserve it - just don't know what my vacation schedule looks like.

I put the lists back on the blog. Albeit in a horizontal form 'stead of veritcal. Let us rejoice and be glad.

11.6.01

I was just on the phone with Karen - who has been vegetarian since Lent - she calls these faux weenies she eats Not Dogs - they're really called SmartDogs. But to have her talk about eating Not Dogs while I'm counting veal patties is such a delicious illustration of the strange world in which I walk.

Veal patty count: 1 patty.

Fuck: I just realized my play's opening image is a total rip-off of Poltergeist. That's like when I realized my play Roadkill had a communion sacrament in it with milk and cookies. Christ. It's probably just as good since I'm lifting an entire scene from Aliens as a wink to my sister.

I've noticed that if you take any sentence from any play I've ever written you can add the word 'Well' to the front of it. I am trying to break myself of the habit of beginning every line with 'well.' It is quite a bugaboo.

8.6.01

My girl Mierka's show opens tomorrow night. She was diagnosed with MS when she was 23 and then two years later her mom was diagnosed as well. Mierka's in remission and she's started a foundation for artists with MS. (I designed the website)

7.6.01

I'm buzzing. Richard and I went to go 'look pretty' at an opening party for the new W Hotel on Adams. We went and had free drinks and loiunged around trying to look as trendy as possible. We had dinner at Thyme which rocked and then danced at Roscoe's for a bit. The three cocktails I've had tonight are working their magicks and I must retire to slumber.

Veal patty count: 4 patties.

I seem to be getting popular again... Amy over at Tart Thoughts has linked to me and so has Sovaj. Thanks y'all! Reminds me I need to get my old blog list back up on this thing.

Now this is offensive:

"Dog Owners Want to Spend Day as a Stray: Battersea Dogs' Home has been inundated with calls after it offered a couple the chance to spend a day living like stray dogs."
Don't we call this being homeless? Oh that's right - the homeless aren't cuddly cute and obedient to their masters. This pisses me off.

6.6.01

Had film rehearsal this evening - we shoot on Saturday and Sunday. Again, it is strange to rehearse pre-sex scenes that are all about glances and flirting and knowing that is not going to be consummated. I think I'm much better doing film work than stage. I feel less nervous and I'm more easy going just being there with the other person and acting. Before they were working on my stuff they were rehearsing a scene in Spanish since that all the actors knew that and one of them had Spanish as their native language. It was fun to sit there and try to get the gist of what was going on and not knowing the lingua.

I have had a dull headache all day. I hate this. I have no energy lately. I could sleep all day today and still wake up and need more sleep. I feel totally stuck on episode three of Sinister. I am so tired. And I am getting 8 hours of sleep. This is crazy.

Well kids - looks like I'm a leftist libertarian (Economic Left/Right: -3.27 Authoritarian/Libertarian: -5.97).

5.6.01

Word to the wise: When you are at Sam's Club and you see the big sack of veal patties put it back. Put it back in the freezer case and shut the door. You don't need 15 veal patties. You live alone. You really aren't going to be able to eat them all. Even if you freeze them and eat one or two every other day or so. You will begin to feel that you are eating Cruelty Patties but the guilt of disposing of the baby moo-moo seems even more egregious. Step away from the veal patties and no one will get hurt.

Hee hee: Slutblog has deemed me spongeworthy!

Oh God. Lisa and Scott - two of my high school chums who got married just had a baby girl. She emailed me a picture - what a beautiful little person. I think my paternal hormones just started churning again.

Today's weather totally fucking sucks. It's like 9 PM instead of 9 AM. It has been like this for the past two weeks. I'm going crazy. Er.

4.6.01

Once again the girls have decided that our month-long project is going ot be to stop being so critical of people:

From: Karen
Subject:RE: Hola
June is Wardrobe month. Brig and I are in the process of developing a 12 step program to becoming nicer, better, whole-heartedly open and good people.
From: Andy
To: Karen, Brigitte
Subject: RE: Hola
OH! I thought you meant we were all going to start dressing better.
From: Karen
Subject: RE: Hola
Right, Andy. Right.
From: Brigitte
Subject: Our 12 step program
May I present to you the twelve steps to recovery as outlined by AA.  However, I have changed it to involve our purpose.
1. We admitted we were powerless over criticism - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to critics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
To: Karen, Brigitte
Subject: Go see
Moulin Rouge - it rocks
From: Brigitte
Subject: RE: Go see
Fuck you. I called you yesterday to see if you wanted to see it with me.
From: Andy
Subject: RE: Go see
I saw it with Tommaso. He has a black cat named Bunny.
From: Brigitte
Subject: RE: Go see
I guess I can't compete with an Italian with a black pussy.

2.6.01

I ran a section of my blog through the Pornolizer:

And once again I stand on the fisting brink of raunching smooching and raiding gangbanging. A assfucking licks-long ordeal fucking to a raunching terribly un-asslicking conclusion. A fingerfucking whimper to close such a cocksucking fucks bang. Hopefully the cuntlapping chapter will be licked today so I may get on to the smooching other plot gangbangs that entangle my life. I have been so sleepy lately.
Even funnier is running it through CNN.


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