Saturday, August 12, 2000

Just a thought... what is an out of work Amazon (no, not the online store) supposed to do for a living? Ok, so I'm not *really* out of work, but it looks like the writing is on the wall. What next? Will I become the next incarnation of the "computer geek that works for McDonald's"?
8/12/2000 4:15:45 PM

I'm generally not a "compartmentalized" person. For some reason though, I've tried to be. I try to keep different aspects of myself seperate. My job over here, my family over there, my other interests over there. I'm gradually realizing that this isn't working for me. I'm not that type of person, and it's just taking to much *energy* to keep my aspects seperated. So, I'm starting to allow them to ... melt into each other.

We've moved into this new place... a great two story townhouse style apartment. And moving means looking at how I want thing arranged in the new place. My business office here, in the living room. My books along the walls, near the couch and chairs. My CDs near the stereo... but where to put my altar? I was getting really tense about it, when I finally realized "melt, melt". So now, my altar is spread throughout the house.

My Goddess figure is in the living room, near my desk, where She can smile on the family. My Otter totem sits over my computer, to remind me to play. My broom hangs near the door, to sweep the negativity from us as we come in the house. My Guardian Dragon is on the bookshelf, watching all the available doors. I'm letting my life... my religious life anyway, spread through the whole house.

I'm using the concept of compartments to become more organized (i.e. to make sure my environment is in harmony with who I am and where I'm going). However, I'm *using* it, I'm no longer trying to *be* it.
8/12/2000 3:57:13 PM

Friday, August 11, 2000

The other night, I was watching "Practical Magic" with my son, crying through it as I usually do :) This time I was crying a bit less, but when the women get together and cast the Circle "from hand to hand", the tears started flowing.

My son, who has the empathy abilities of a child twice his age, came up to me and said "Mommy, why are you crying... if you share your troubles it makes them lighter". At first, I couldn't express why I was crying because I didn't really know. Then I finally figured it out... I really miss doing that.

The first coven I was involved with was the best one. It was a group of about 3 to 7 women (we didn't exclude men... we just didn't get any that wanted to be part of our coven :) We practiced together for about 7 years, and while we frequently used the "hand to hand" method to formalize our Circle casting, the fact was just being together "with intent" was enough.

I hived off from that coven when I moved to Pomona, and was solitary for a few years, and then formed a coven of my own. While I knew lots about magic, ritual, and Wicca, I didn't know very much about group dynamics and it showed. I've been "coven-shy" since then, but I'm beginning to think that maybe I need that in my life again.

Which of course, just brings up more questions... start my own again (and hopefully learn from my bitter lessons of the past :) or find another compatible group and join them? Having been an HP, and having worked (for *years*) on things like ritual design, group dynamics, lesson plans, student-teacher ethics, etc, will I be happy being a covenmate? Or would I be that most dreaded person, the "know-it-all" and not leave myself open to learning? I'm not even going to *touch* the question of "which trad" at this point :)

At this point what I know is "I need more". What that "more" is, and how to find the expression of it that best fits me, is something I'm just starting to explore.
8/11/2000 10:41:34 AM