we
don't
need
you
anymore
my journal 9.12.2000
i dig rock and roll musicsorry... i have been super busy lately. i probably wont be updating my journal or web page much until the weekends. i will try to update more but right now i dont have much time. big news of the day.......
I GOT A JOB AT SPLITROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!
peace out until we shall meet again... sorry i dont have time right now, i wish i did:-(
posted at 10:29 PM
9.11.2000
here is the story of... Magdelenai went to a Grabfast concert last night. it frickin rocked so hard! i would love to be in this band! they play such great music! they have a sound similar to a perfect circle's which i love! i have been writting alot of lyrics lately. if you're lucky i might post one or two. i am sorry that i have not been on much lately but i have been very busy... going to jb's alot, the concert, homework, etc. i have to go write an essay now. i will get on later on tonight after i go to jb's and write what has been going on but there is an essay that i need to carve away at the marble already on the paper and release the perfect image beneath the stone.
posted at 4:39 PM
9.8.2000
are you a hippie???i just got done watching coyote ugly with TJ. it inspired me very much. it gave me the feel of needing to write songs and poetry and never stopping. it also made me feel a need even stronger to sing my heart out. i came home and wrote some surreal songs. tomorrow i am going to go watch hollow man with Paul. I was supposed to go with paul tonight but i wasnt thinking about the plans i had already had to go with TJ and see it. but tomorrow i plan on chillin at splitrock and going to the movie and working on the web page im doing for unchained some more. sunday night there is a Grabfast (the band im auditioning for) concert. i am going to go and talk with some people some more. im listening to some cds Jeremy told me to listen to. I am not the keenest on 80's music but alot of it has folk stylings in it and i totally dig folk so its all good. i really like most of the bands supprisingly.
i was sitting in the hall waiting for my turn to go back into class and find out the answer (a game like clue) so i was just sitting, minding my own business, singing Casey Jones by Grateful Dead. so this girl asks me... note: she has to ASK!!!... if i am a hippie. i am kinda just sitting there shoked that someone would ask someone else if they are a hippie. i mean, this is something you should just know. you look and someone and say, "that person is a hippie" or something of the such, not "are you a hippie?" that defeats the purpose in my opinion. stupid people.....
i have to write an editorial by monday for the newspaper. i have to idea what to write it on. im gonna have to brainstorm alot to write it on something unique and interesting. well anyway im off to see the wonderful wizard of oz...
posted at 11:32 PM
9.7.2000
unchained, unleashedi am now webmastering for a band back where i am from called Unchained. It is a band of some friends of mine. i started it tonight. i have the account setup and a little welcome message...nothing big. i am going to have it running to the point that it is at least viewable by tuesday. i will be posting the url too so you can check them out. it is getting late and i need to read some stuff for my journalism class. may the force be with you.... live long and prosper!
my improvement for the day........ still smilin like the sunshine that i used to be (notice the sarcasm)
posted at 10:00 PM
my future lies in space travelyesterday was cool... i went to splitrock and had a couple of chais. it is like a really good feeling when you drink chai. your mouth goes like completely numb. i had like 4-5 because they make a bunch and don't do much with the leftovers and they aren't that keen on it so more for me. i met meghan, she is getting married. she is pretty cool. shes funny. dianne gave me a yellow rose. that was sweet of her. roses are my second favourite flower, next to lilacs. i put it in my skankin vase that i got. it is orange and curvy and just really trippy. i had no plans for the night and neither did lilly so lilly and i went and had coffee at jb's. meghan workes at jb's and i had to laugh every time she walked by because she would just like smile even though she wasn't very happy... i would hate to constantly fake emotion to customers. i met a bunch of people.... i met jeremy... he is a really nice guy. he is the guy that was playing that one night... i didn't see his band but i saw the other t hat wasn't very good. their music is supposed to be similar to that of like a perfect circle and stuff. they don't have a singer so i offered and he is gonna listen to some of my stuff and see what he thinks. i made him a tape of me singing like some grateful dead, bob dylan, and bush but it wasn't a very accurate sound because what i sang in distorts everything and the batteries are almost dead. hes gonna lend me some cds that they pattern themselves after and have me sing some stuff from them. i am gonna have to get new batteries and maybe just a better way to have him hear me all together. i like the style of apc but i don't dig their lyrics so it would be really cool to play that style. classes were odd today... man i have some messed up classes... drama is like all weird. there is such a wide variety of types of people which is cool but odd when you mesh them all together and make them do the same thing. messed up.
my improvement for the day........ i smiled alot
posted at 7:25 PM
9.5.2000
i wish i was like you, easily amusedlast night i was online and jared and i were talking. he asked me if i was still willing to make a web page for his band. i was more than willing so i am going to start working on that pretty soon. i am going to try to have it set up somewhat for people to at least come and see it by next tuesday. i should be able to do it since i have nothing else to do. my connection was kinda weird (still is, i constantly get "timed out" messages or something when i try to go to a web site) so i wanted to completely restart my computer. i got off and got a call from bart. it was a nice conversation. we ended up talking for like two hours. he was giving me some insight into how to handle some situations in my life and my life in general. i am going to try alot of what he said. i didn't end up getting back online last night for my usual surfing purposes... just helping my mom check her email. then went to bed very early.
today i woke up and kinda stumbled out of bed, ate breakfast, gave my shot, got dressed... and the whole time i am completely lethargic from need of sleep. i went to school to wait in the counslers but it was worth changing pe to drama now and child development later. i was happy. i went to drama and the people seem nice.
i got home and slept for a few hours... or tried to. my cat was like trying to play and bite me and stuff.man i need sleep more sleep, sleep is good.i am going to go meet my friend... sleep. goodnight world.... merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight
posted at 10:01 PM
9.4.2000
if i had it all again i'd change it alli got to draw on walls. we went and got some lunch... i ordered some country benedict thing but NO MEAT... i am a veggitarian. they brought it with meat. the waitress was really nice though... she made me smile. she felt bad so she went back and forth asking what kinds of gravy or whatever they had and they only had it with meat. so i got the egg benedict instead of the country benedict... it was ok but i think i made the cook mad. the waitress was really nice though... i guess it is all good.
right now i have a head ache... i think i'm hearing voices... everything is intensified.... i feel stoned... i think just about all of this is a result of my nerves. i got stronger pills today finally. i can't wait til i go to bed so i can have a release from this... i am going to go watch down to you again in a few minutes... i like that movie... it makes me feel a strong sense of desinty in my own life... also the sense that letting the cables sleep gives me... i suggest downloading that mp3...
posted at 3:23 PM
i know i dreamed youi have been crying alot lately. i guess i cry over nothings... but is anything a nothing if it means something to you? something so treasured that once you lose it you will do anything to get it back. i guess it is easier said over posessions than people that you love but don't want you anymore for reasons you can't comprehend when you understand so much more than most in this subject. i have been crying alot lately.
tonight i needed to escape my life for a few minutes. so i decided that i would go with my mom to lander and just drive. driving is soothing when there is talk and music... especially the musical stylings of one Paul Simon. i sorted through some things i guess... but not really. i miss my home... even that which is not my home but my claim to fame. but here in the desert you can't remember your name for there is no one for to give you your fame. i guess today i needed something more... i think i got it. i need chicago. i need to be able to sit and drink coffee and talk with friends and just vent and rant and rave. i guess this is what i have been needing for a while but it never came. hopefully it will come soon... i need something like this right now.
splitrock isn't open tomorrow :-( i was hoping to be able to talk with lilly. maybe go get some coffee later on in the evening at the place in town that stays open later than most... and they close at like 11. i guess what i need now most of all is company over coffee.... i have had no one for far too long. hopefully i can find some of what i need. if i had more time to spend, dont you think i'd be with you my friend, if i needed someone ... the beatles didn't have time but i do... too much.... lets do some living and after we die, wild horses couldn't drag me away....
tomorrow i am going to help my mom decorate something and order the Massive Attack cd... no coffee planned... plans are made to be broken.
posted at 12:59 AM
9.2.2000
do you glow when you fade?i dig movies alot. what else do i have to do here but watch movies and brood? i rented anywhere but here and down to you. i watched anywhere but here with my mother tonight. it was great. i can totally empathize with the girl in the movie. only in alot of ways i wish i had more of her apathetic attitude about other people and the need to befriend. i dont really need to befriend but i couldnt really be to the point she is. i guess i admire that.
my nerves are acting up very badly. i have gone days without medication. my parents want to wait for some thing to be transferred before we pick up my prescription... but i think we will go tomorrow because it is getting to be badly needed in urgent timing. i took a couple of like motrin which usually help with like a head ache and stuff but it did nothing with my nerves. i wanted to blame the heat but the heat couldnt make it this bad. this is one of the worst it has been.
i wrote tonight for the first time in days. the process of turning random thoughts into poetry. i think everything is a gift from God. poetry is inspired. i think that inspiration is one of the rarest forms of a gift from God... true inspiration i mean. i am not saying that all of my poetry is inspired by "true inspiration" but i like to think that alot of it is. i am going to post some in a few minutes.
judith has been so incredibly sweet tonight. she has been sitting on my lap and just purring... i wish i could pur when im happy. i guess the sound would kind of give me the push to be happy moreso because it is such a beautiful sound... cats are such special creatures... so independent yet so loving and fiesty all at the same time. i guess i look at cats in awe.
i think i need the massive attack cd. they make me feel good. i have like 10 massive attack mp3s. my parents went to the store and were going to pick me up a massive attack cd if they saw one but the one i want is like 2-3 years old so i will have to order it. it is so calming. definately has the calming factor... could make anyone mellow even if just for a while. they are becoming one of my favourite bands.
posted at 11:32 PM
i'm a liar and a thiefi think sitting and drinking penny royal tea will not be able to match the love i need to ease the pain. i am listening to massive attack's song dissolved girl and i think i am dissolving. i talked with bart a few nights ago and it really helped me see things in a better light. i felt like my life was coming together and that the answer was there just waiting for me to catch it. then the downward spiral hit again. i stole the hearts of people and i lied. i never really lied... i just didn't tell them the things that i should have. and things that happened a long time ago blew up in my face. have i really been that bad of a person? is karma out to get me?
i started school. it is alright. i totally dig newspaper and library aid. all my classes are really small... i think my biggest class might be like 25 people.i got out of PE finally. I went to PE and we only had half a class period... no problem right? Well after all the running and stretching i got sick and went home. my mom called my doctor and told him how we gave 4 less units and i still had a bad reaction and how i cant handle it. we he agreed instantly and wrote me a note so on tuesday when i should be going to PE i will be changing my schedule and getting a better class. the only classes i really want to keep the same are newspaper and library aid. people are nice i guess. alot of preps come and talk to me.... i guess preps can be nice and stuff if you talk to the right ones. people also come up and compliment me on my clothes. one of my best classes is biology. my teacher is hilarious... he is like saying how he doesnt care if we sleep, eat, space out, not do homework, and the such in his class. it should be a fun class.
have you ever just seen someone who completely stood out? not by what they wear or how they look or anything but for some reason they stand out. there is a girl in two of my classes who just seems different than most people. she keeps to herself very much. we have talked a couple of times but not many. i think one of the things that made me notice her was her black eye liner and such... i love black eye liner (i think i would like it more on myself but couldnt do it with my parents anti everything that resembles goth). but it wasnt the way she looks... it wasnt the was she really acted... it wasnt what she was wearing (different from looks in a way)... but it was just the way she was. just being. just there occupying space and time... different in the was she is in the way she merely is. it is odd... she intrigues me in a way that i don't know... it is weird but it is like there is something that just seems like she shouldnt be among everyone else.
yesterday after school i went to splitrock and talked with lilly... we analyzed the terrible art that hung on the walls... thank God that they are changing it next week. there was a football game and a dance yesterday. i would have somewhat enjoyed the dance if i knew people. but i haven't a friend in this football town. i hate sports and i think it is funny when the jocks all ask you what sports you are into and their jaw drops in amazement when they hear that i am into no sports.
i have found the joy of napster... well actually "rapster" the mac version of napster. i have bee downloading soo many songs that i have never been able to find before. i have a bunch of massive attack songs and they are enchanting me. i can listen to them and just feel better. i got some bush mp3s... like THE ONE I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!! i was SOOOOOOO excited to find it. it sounds so much better than rem and i totally dig rem... just no one can match the wonderful sounds of gavin's voice. i got some frank sinatra and zao mp3s too... yeah, mp3s are great. i think i am going to go buy the massive attack, mezzanine cd... it is like feel good, somewhat profound lyrics... im totally digging them.
i rented bats last night... terrible movie. not really my style. i am more into the philosophical movies or the "chick flicks" when i take it back today i am going to rent Jakob the Liar. it looks like a good movie and I haven't seen it yet. I might rent another one that I can't remember right now but I will when I see it. I will be downloading mp3s and watching movies tonight... to think this will be the highlight of my day.
my goatee is almost as long as it way before i shaved it off. my hair is also getting pretty long so i am excited about that!
well i must scat... i need to veggitate and sleep...
posted at 12:36 PM
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