On the potty training front: a possible breakthrough. Numerous times over the past couple of days, TJ has come to me saying that he has to go potty! Formerly, he was only successfull at using the potty because we told him it was time for him to go. With him taking an active interest in using the potty, I think he'll be "trained" (I really hate to use that word) before we know it!

He has been very sweet and loving lately, always wanting to hug and kiss me. He says, "You're my best Mama!"
posted by Lisa Silva at 8:10 AM

TJ slept in his own bed all night last night. We got him a new twin bed (he's been in a toddler bed) over the weekend. He slept in it all night, and this morning he told me that there aren't any monsters under his new bed!
posted by Lisa Silva at 9:46 PM

Everything was going so well, and since I've been busy with other things, I haven't come by to post for a while. BUT THEN...... I don't know why, but I suddenly got so irritable. This was yesterday afternoon I guess. I was handling things well enough, even if I wasn't exceptionally tolerant and understanding, but I was getting so irritated with TJ about accidents in his pants. And today is even worse. I wish I could just step away from the situation for a minute to cool down, but of course I can't leave him messy. I have to deal with it right away, and this morning I got so mad! He came to me while I was in the shower with his second messy pants of the day, and I told him that I wasn't going to take him to Grandma's later since he wasn't being a big boy. I really shouldn't have said that. I just felt like I needed a break from him, but I shouldn't have made it a punishment for an accident. So I guess I will have to change my mind and let him come with me. He looked so sad when he realized I was mad at him....

OK, I feel better now. I'll go tell him I'm sorry and he can come to Grandma's with me.

To work on: How can I avoid dealing out hasty punishments when I'm in a crabby mood?
posted by Lisa Silva at 12:20 PM

It was a busy weekend and everything has been going smoothly. TJ's behavior is much improved. I got their bedroom organized and cleaned up, so now I am working on getting them to keep it clean. Still, TJ won't play in his room by himself. He used to do that all the time. He seems to spend too much time playing computer games and watching Ambriel play Nintendo. Ambriel spends too much time playing Nintendo and watching TV. Lance spends too much time watching TV and playing computer games. Is there a pattern here?!

To work on: Encourage Ambriel to read more, and help Lance get his bedroom clean and organized.
posted by Lisa Silva at 6:46 AM

The conference with Ambriel's teacher went well. In a nutshell, most of Ambriel's conduct problems have been that she is sometimes unwilling to follow directions (at home, we call that being stubborn). But the teacher finds her to be sweet and well-behaved most of the time, definitely not a problem.

We also talked about her reading level. In kindergarten, they only test up to level 16 and Ambriel is beyond that. She gave me a first grade reader to use at home, and showed me some of the books that she is letting Ambriel read. She said that she groups the children by level, but that there aren't any other children at Ambriel's level so she has been working with her alone. She said that next week they would be testing the children for the gifted and talented program, and she expected Ambriel to be eligible. I didn't ask what that would mean. I was happy to hear that she was being challenged by her teacher.
posted by Lisa Silva at 2:04 PM

So, calm and quiet are the key! Again this morning when TJ started to cry and complain about going to day care, I reacted by being calm but firm, and it worked.

We had moderate success with potty training yesterday. He went more or less willingly to the bathroom when I told him it was time. I didn't even have to offer candy everytime. But he still had a BM in his pants. He told me about it right away this time though and I think that is a good sign.

I've been meaning to start writing about Lance. It's so hard to start. I think he feels that the little kids get all the attention, and of course they do require more attention, but I think he is right and I need to focus more on him. He missed the bus this morning. I think that this is happening too often. The last time, we talked about how he could avoid the problems that cause him to be late. We also talked about having a particular consequence for missing the bus, but neither of us could remember what it was! So we decided that he would not get to use the computer today. I think I will tell him that I will be glad to take him to school one day a week if he wants, but I need advance notice and I prefer it to be a day that the little kids are not going to day care.

To work on: Talk to Lance about giving him a ride to school one day a week.
posted by Lisa Silva at 9:57 AM

An interesting morning: TJ was very negative about going to day care again this morning. (This has been an on-going problem.) He balked at getting dressed and kept saying that he didn't want to go to school. I talked softly and stayed calm. When he didn't want to put his shirt on and was struggling against me, I said, "TJ, we have to put your shirt on. Either you can do it or I can do it." He said, "Not me and not you." so I said, "I will do it." Then he decided to do it himself. After that, he was so much calmer and cooperated the rest of the morning. Amazing! I continued to talk softly to him face to face, and let him say what he wanted to say even if it was negative, but then insisted that he was going to get ready and go to school.

Getting in to the car, another problem cropped up. TJ wanted to sit in Ambriel's car seat (which is newer and nicer). There's no reason why he can't, in fact he does usually sit in it when Ambriel is not with us. He was already in her seat, but Ambriel didn't want to sit in his seat and tried to get him to move. I tried to let them work it out, making some suggestions. I suggested to Ambriel that someday TJ would get a new seat and she would want to have a turn sitting in it, so she ought to let TJ have a turn in hers. She said, "OK, tomorrow he can have a turn". TJ didn't go for that. I said, encouragingly, "Come on! Who's going to be the cooperating kid today?" TJ said, "Ambriel" and Ambriel said, "TJ". Finally I said that I would have to be the one to decide, and I decided that Ambriel was going to sit in TJ's seat. I had to put her in it myself of course, she wouldn't go voluntarily. She started crying and I thought, "Now she'll be in a bad mood for the rest of the day!" So as we drove to day care I said, "Let's each try to find something to put us in a good mood. It's OK to feel bad but it's more fun to feel good. I already found something to make me feel happy. I saw a mocking bird on the steetlamp and heard it sing. Maybe you can find something to make you feel happy, like a Halloween decoration, or a dog at the park, or some pretty flowers." Ambriel didn't say anything and I left it that. She is hard to cheer up once she gets in a mood. But when we got to day care and I was getting her out of her seat, she said, "I found three horses behind a white gate. That made me happy." And I saw she was back in a good mood and I felt like such a successful parent! Maybe her mood would've changed by the time we got to day care anyway, but maybe I really did give her a tool to help herself.
posted by Lisa Silva at 10:09 AM

Ambriel had a good conduct report on Monday! And her teacher said that she had a good day yesterday. I have a conference scheduled for Thursday. I plan to discuss exactly how Ambriel has been misbehaving, and I also want to talk about her reading level.
posted by Lisa Silva at 6:47 AM

I find myself yelling at TJ too much lately. He really tries my patience. He is so active, so bouncy. He jumps everywhere... off the couch, on the bed, over his sister watching TV. We call him Rowdy Boy. I really don't want to yell, but it seems to be the only way to get him to pay attention and take my requests seriously. I know I have to do something about that. I've read that if parents keep their voices low when speaking to their children, the kids will pay more attention because they have to stop and listen closely in order to hear, and they will be naturally curious to hear what is being said so softly. That might make sense in some other universe, but here in my world, I think I'd end up talking to myself!

To work on: Stop yelling! When I want TJ (or Ambriel) to listen, I'll try making physical contact and talking face to face.

(By the way, we seem to have much better days when I'm posting to this log. When I skip a day, things seem to be more out of control.)
posted by Lisa Silva at 6:43 AM

But what do you do when your child swears there's a monster in his room? You can't see it or touch it. For children, the "monster" is really the manifestation of a fear—or a collection of fears—of something else, usually "change" or "the unknown."

I found and read Family.com: Taming Kids' Fear of Monsters. Monsters representing a fear of the unknown or of change doesn't sound like TJ. But the advice to help the child face his fears sounds right.
posted by Lisa Silva at 4:08 PM

Yesterday was a good day on all fronts. TJ had his moments but nothing major. I almost hate to say it, but the candy bribe seems to be working! He had very few accidents yesterday, and none so far today. A couple of times yesterday when I said, "Let's go sit on the potty and then you can have some candy." he replied with, "I don't want any candy." (Of course he did want the candy, he just didn't want to sit on the potty to get it!)

Another strategy I'm using (and not just for potty-training) is counting to five. If he doesn't follow my directions by the time I get to five, he has a time-out in his room. He hates being alone in his room all of a sudden. He thinks there are monsters in there. He talks about monsters all the time lately. I need to do a little research and find out what could be causing his fear. It's probably developmental, but I can't help blaming myself for being so negative with him lately. Sometimes when I get mad, at him he asks me if I'm the bad mama or the good mama -- you know that makes me feel bad!
posted by Lisa Silva at 12:53 PM