fan is only a TORI TRIVIA NOVICE

*there may be hope for him yet*
posted by ~daisy or fanbob, you guess~ 18:47

woohoo!! lookie, i'm a TORI TRIVIA MASTER :)



*i'm so proud of myself*
posted by ~daisy or fanbob, you guess~ 14:43

*********************************

IMPORTANT NEWS
for awhile now, i've forgotten the

password to the deadpetals

email account which is why i

haven't been responding lately.

so if you don't get a prompt

reply like normal, don't worry,

i'm not ignoring you, i just

have a really bad brain :)

i should have the password

or a new account shortly.

*********************************

so okay, things are going so much better. i feel alot better. and yes, i'm still bitter about things, but i'm moving on.


and i'm really having a good time here in philadelphia. it hasn't all been unpleasant as it may seem. i had a great halloween weekend though. a friend threw a party and i got hella drunk in the span of one hour. i actually walked home alone cause i could hardly comprehend a thing. it's a miracle i found my house and even more a miracle that i unlocked my door and got inside. i won't get into how i got undressed, for that night was the first time in a long time that i actually blacked out. but let me tell you, i woke up to a pleasant surprise *ooh la la*


the best thing about moving here has got to be the sleep though. sleeping next to fan is the best thing in the world. (don't try it ladies, he's mine, dammit) every night, i get to fall asleep next to him and every morning i get to wake up next to him. i love the way i can feel his body heat under the comforter, it lets me know that he's close and that i can reach over and nuzzle my face in his chest whenever i feel like it.


so now i'll get undressed and head to bed. around 5 or so fan will come strolling in and climb in with me to keep me warm till i have to go to work. i'll be with him for a couple of hours at the most, but let me tell you, in that couple of hours, you will never find a happier girl in the world...


"have you ever loved someone so much you thought your little heart was gonna break in two?" --chris isaak


posted by ~daisy or fanbob, you guess~ 22:48

this is fan... so here it is. i fucked it up, as you see, men always have this fear of telling the truth because they are so afraid of hurting the one they really love. okay, let's face it, for being men, we are dumb, and we do dumb things. and shit happens. what do you do when shit happens the way you don't want? you do CYA drill, that's right fellows, cover your ass drill. cuz you know the one you love will get pissed, and you know you don't want to see her get pissed, especially over some i-think-not-so-big-deal thing. so you don't really want to mention what you did wrong, cuz, like i said, i am dumb; yet, i don't want her to think i am stupid enough to do shit like that. but they always find it out...(makes you wonder? yeah.)

so let me get this really clear. I DIDN'T CHEAT ON HER. i lied about this internet girl i've been talking to, well, i can't even say i lied. i just didn't want to mention it. i love sarah, and that's it. but yet, i have this other internet girl that i flirt with on IM. i say shit to her that doesn't really mean anything, cuz you know... when you on chatting, you can be wearing a suit in the office and saying you are total naked with a cock hung in your hand. my point is, the internet girl wasn't a big deal to me. sarah is the one i love, sarah is the one i look in her eyes and see myself in it. she's my world, and she is in my room matter of fact. see, i can just turn around right now and watch her on "our" bed (no longer "my" bed) sleeping... how cute. anyway, let me repeat it, she just can't get over with that the internet girl doesn't mean anything, she's making me feel like i've been cheating on her for 18 months or something.

not to mention it's getting annoy, but also starts to get on my nervous. for crying out loud, i didn't even meet that girl. yeah i called her a couple of times, bullshited a little. and i guess i never mentioned it to her i have a girlfriend...

okay, that's it. it's 5:50 am, i am just gonna type it out and totally forget what i post it here. being 100% honest, like, 100% without regret, i was talking to this girl because i want her to be my backup. this sounds ridicules, but it was how i felt. i moved back to philly, i trusted sarah wouldn't do anything. but yet, i wanted some security. so that's why i did it. i wasn't serious about this internet girl because i am with sarah, so i talked shit to make sure she will still want me as something more than friends. yes, i am a bad person, i fucked with her mind, my bad. then i asked my dear friend tay if i should ask sarah to move over so i don't have to feel empty anymore, she said, "follow your heart, do what you want." so there i asked. and she moved. since she got here, my life is full of joy. i can see her smile everyday, i swear to you, she has the best smile in the whole wide world. and from there, i don't get on IM anymore because i know i will be the happiest person in this lovely fall. but no, after my busy days after days, i finally got some time and opened IM, and that's when shit happened. the internet girl IMed me while sarah was on my computer. well, what should i do... "yeah go ahead, write to her sarah, go ahead." that's all i can think of, i really really don't want her to think that internet girl is a big deal cuz she's at the back of my head for a while now...

anyway, so that's all i have to say. all i wanna say is, sarah baby, i love you. Happy Year Anniversary.
posted by ~daisy or fanbob, you guess~ 03:22

aaaaaaaaaaah shit...things have been a roller coaster of emotions over here lately.

i don't want to go into any details, but you know things are going on when i start writing in my diary...in the past week, i've written more entries than i have in the past year.

i've done some pretty dumb things, said some not so nice things in my day, yes indeed, but i could never lie to fan...

do you know what it's like to live with that kind of devotion inside you? now let me ask you this...do you know how it feels to have someone take advantage of that? you don't want it to happen, really. it kills you...and it's killing me...

i want to get passed this, i really do. but i really don't know how long i'll be looking over at him on his computer and be thinking "is he talking to her?" "would he tell me if he was?" then what do i do? do i sit there and hope that he can understand what i'm feeling?

and then there's the "what did he say to her that he said to me" issue. i mean, he's told me things, intimate things. things like *i wanna do (this and that) with you (here and there)* *...always...* and maybe even the powerful words of *i love you* aaaargh! it makes me sick when i think about it.

i want him to know that i'm a big enough person to get over this...but i also want him to know that i'm really not. i can't. he hurt me. almost just as bad as a previous boyfriend...yet i'm scarred, deeply...scars don't heel, not right away, atleast...
posted by ~daisy or fanbob, you guess~ 02:25

*breathe, sarah...b r e a t h e*

i'm about to act on one of the biggest decisions of my life. in exactly 8 hours i'll be heading to my new home in philadelphia.


I SAID BREATHE, DAMMIT!
posted by ~daisy or fanbob, you guess~ 15:49

you have to excuse my boyfriend sometimes...ya see, he has these weird thoughts every once in awhile which stems from a long history of mental illness. yes...it's true, just ask the folks at CMF (california medical facility) it was there that he actually slept in the same exact room that charles manson stayed in, alot later of course. but of course, the california system failed him and he was released into society without being rehabilitated. shah! and they even had the audacity to say that sex addicts with neurotic needs can be cured by whips and chains and blindfolds and the occasional gag-ball.

even still, i love him just the same, even though he's somewhat psychotic...
posted by ~daisy or fanbob, you guess~ 17:19

so i thought my baby is moving here last weekend, but she didn't get the ticket yet. hopefully, she will be moving this weekend, that will be super awesome. you see, the couple gets together, you will never know what they are doing... okay maybe you do. my next step is to get her into taking pictures while we are having "fun". we will see how great that works out because i know all you guys love that kinda pictures being posted... right? ;p
time to sleep now, have a good weekend everyone.
posted by ~daisy or fanbob, you guess~ 02:00

woohoo! fan's here, fan's here! you probably won't be seeing any updates for awhile cause i'll be tooooooooooooooooo busy doing him, um, i mean, stuff :) hehehe....
posted by ~daisy or fanbob, you guess~ 20:44