Tuesday, September 12, 2000
Hey! I posted summat! Most of this is by Rossi...
LANDON VERSUS BIXBY
EXT. MOUNTAINTOP
Pretty lonely-lookin', isn't it? Yep. Not much happening. Suddenly, someone who looks vaguely like MICHAEL LANDON walks on.
LANDON
Hello, I'm Michael Landon.
Landon stares at the camera for a disconcertingly long time. He doesn't blink. Just as he's really starting to creep us out, he checks his watch. He looks back at the camera accusingly.
LANDON
Well?! I mean, come on! I'm Michael Landon!
Isn't that pretty impresive?! I mean, I've
been dead for the past ten years! That puss
Bill Bixby isn't here, is he? And I'm on top
of a mountain!
BIXBY (OS)
Hold it right there, you long-haired fancy boy!
Bill Bixby and Elvis walk on screen. They both look really mad. Elvis is swinging a chain and eating a donut.
BIXBY
Hi., I'm Bill Bixby. You might remember me
from such Elvis specials as "The Elvis Tapes",
"Elvis: Alive or Dead", "Elvis: Bigfoot's
Secret Son", "In Search of Elvis", and of
course, "The Trial of the Incredible Hulk."
This is my friend, Andy Kaufman. Andy and I
faked our deaths so we could wait for this
moment; to corner Michael Landon in his secret
hiding place, high atop his mountain lair...
whichever mountain this is...and give him the
righteous bitch-slapping he so richly deserves.
During Bill's speech. Elvis puts down the chain, takes a jelly donut from one of his pockets, and crams it into his face with nigh-orgasmic delight. It's really quite disturbing. Once he's swallowed that, he goes back to munching on the other donut.
LANDON
...the hell?!
BIXBY
All right, pal, it's AMUSING for me to torture
Michael Landon!
Michael rips off his wig, hastily puts on a pair of deely bobbers, and suddenly...
LANDON
Bill! Bill, don't you know me? It's me, Picket
Fences star and former Favorite Martian Ray
Walston! I won an Emmy once you were dead!
Bill softens. Meanwhile, Elvis takes another bite of the donut and grabs a 2-liter bottle of Coke from inside his jumpsuit. He cracks that bad boy open and begins pouring it in his mouth. Or at least most of it. He makes little happy noises. It's even more disturbing that the donut thing.
BIXBY
Ray? Ray, is that you? Oh, Ray...I've been
in a cold place for so long...
Bill goes to hug Landon. Unfortunately, he's been SET UP! Landon sucker-punches Bixby, sending him to the floor. Elvis doesn't really notice. He's cradling the Coke bottle like an infant.
Landon puts his foot on Bixby's throat.
LANDON
Oh, William, William, William...you fall for
it every time. There is nothing you can possess
than I cannot take away.
He grabs the soda bottle from out of Elvis' grasp. Elvis snarls like a feral beast and leaps upon Landon. Unfortunately, fat, out-of-shape Elvis gets his ass kicked fairly quickly. Star Trek music.
LANDON
And now, my ancient enemy, I shall--
ELVIS
Hey, listen. You wanna wrap this up? It doesn't
make any sense and I think I crushed my crueller.
LANDON
That could hurt. Okay, let's knock off.
They try to walk offstage but Bixby gets to his feet.
BIXBY
Where the hell are you two going?! We haven't
done the moral of the story yet!
LANDON
There's a moral?
ELVIS
There's a story?
BIXBY
You see, kids, as we can see from the example of this sketch,
one should never combine long hours of sleeplessness, high doses
of caffeine, and blows about the head with a rake. It's too bad that's
what the writers did.
LANDON
Wow. Pirandello is weeping.
ELVIS
La Grande Magia...
LANDON
Pirandello didn't write that!
BIXBY
This is quickly devolving into street theater.
Back to my speech. Anyway, they're just going
through a phase. A sick, demented, godless phase.
It's vaguely blasphemous. A phase that makes
strong men weep, young girls sing, and cops
turn in their badgers.
ELVIS
You mean badges.
LANDON
We don't need no stinkin'--
BIXBY
I know exactly what I mean. Now then. Uh...
there was supposed to be a line here, but
apparently we're done. Uh...watch Blossom!
LANDON
She's a scientist now...
They walk away. So should you.
Yep, that was one of the original Fugue Comedy bits. And now you can enjoy it. Don't hate us.
posted by Peter Milan 9/12/2000 7:36:31 AM> |
link
Sunday, September 3, 2000
On the not so much a sketch as an observation front, I was wondering if anyone other than me had noticed the entire Planet Earth has been filled to the rim with yappy dogs. No? Well, must be me, then. Vaya con dios, my darling.
posted by Matthew Rossi 9/3/2000 9:09:03 PM> |
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Saturday, September 2, 2000
Okay, let's try that again. Original sketch idea by me, most of the funny stuff from Pete. Enjoy.
INT:
A fancy and romantically lit restaurant. A WOMAN
is sitting at a table waiting for her date. Suddenly,
a man in a dark cloak cuts in front of our view, his
billowing cape obscuring most of our view.
MAN'S VOX
So, you are Angela D. Havernsham of 1117 Westmoreland
Drive, Sioux City, Iowa, formerly of 93 Franklin
Street, Bristol, RI, born at 3:15 AM on December 3rd,
1965, in the Special Obstetrics Ward of Massachusetts
General Hospital?
WOMAN'S VOX (from behind man)
Uh...yes...how did you know all of that? I didn't list
that on my application for the dating service...
MAN'S VOX
The dating service was merely a ruse, my dear. My
ownership of it, and hundreds more throughout the
world, allows me to begin the meticulous process of
screening the women of the world, in order that a
perfect date may be ensured...
A flash of green, as the cloak swirls, and the man
seats himself. It's obvious who he is, but as he
speaks the following lines, they appear in big block
letters with rivets in them
A Date...WITH DOOM!
ANGELA
I...see. (looks about desperately for Allan Funt.)
So...uhm...do I call you Doom, or Doctor Doom, or
what?
DOOM
You may call me what you choose; Titles are of no
importance to Doom! Now, what would you like for an
appetizer? I hear the Truffles Almondine are fabulous
here....(Picks up menu) and my spies in the kitchen
inform me that the Essence de boeuf was made only this
morning.
ANGELA
You have spies in the kitchen?
DOOM
Of course. Doom knows all. How else would I ensure
that the accursed Richards! (stands up, screams in
Kirby pose) RIIIIICHARDS! YOU WILL DIE...er, ahem.
(sits back down) As I was saying, Doom is always
prepared for treachery.
ANGELA
Does...does that happen often?
DOOM
Does what happen—oh, yes. You must forgive me. At
times, my hatred of the accursed
Richards—RICHAAAAARDS!—gets the better of me. Please,
let us continue. I understand the Italian Ices here
are spectacular.
ANGELA
Well, uh...I do like desserts...
DOOM
As do I. Soon, in fact, Richards shall taste his just
desserts...a hideous pain at the hands of Doom!
RIIII—(catches himself) Now, please, order whatever
you like. Tonight is on the Kingdom of Latveria.
A Waiter approaches.
WAITER
Good evening, miss. Good evening, oh sovereign lord
and master.
DOOM
Cease your prattle, lackey! Read us the specials!
WAITER
As Doom commands! We have a lovely rack of lamb with
mint sauce, fresh swordfish steaks roast chicken in a
white whine sauce, and a creme brulee.
ANGELA
Is the chicken free-range?
WAITER
Uh...no, it is not.
DOOM
FOOL!
He blasts the Waiter with a terrible ray from his
glove. The Waiter collapses, a burning heap.
ANGELA
HEY! Are you nuts?! It’s not his fault the chicken’s
not free-range!
DOOM
Bah! Blame is irrelevant. It is enough that he has
displeased you.
ANGELA
God, what are you, bipolar or something?
DOOM
No, not since the medication...
The Manager approaches.
MANAGER
Ah, Your Majesty. Is there some problem?
DOOM
Indeed. This—
(Doom nudges the Waiter with his foot, eliciting a
groan)
--has displeased Doom.
MANAGER
Oh, I am sorry, sir. I did direct each of the
waitstaff to make sure not to displease you. Shall I
take my own life as penance?
DOOM
That will not be necessary. Bring us the rack of lamb,
and...I believe you wanted the chicken, my dear?
ANGELA
Well, yeah, but—
DOOM
Fetch it forthwith! And if it is not free-range, woe
to you and your dining establishment!
MANAGER
Very good, sir.
The Manager takes off; as Doom and Angela continue to
talk, two busboys drag away the quivering remains of
the Waiter.
DOOM
Now, my dear, what were we talking about?
ANGELA
Look...I don’t think this is going to work out.
DOOM
What? Why not?
ANGELA
You’re a psycho! You nearly incinerated that poor
bastard!
WAITER
(from the floor)
It burns!
DOOM
Silence, lackey!
ANGELA
Look, I just got out of a relationship with an
unstable man, and I really don’t need a repeat of
that. The last thing I want is another musclehead with
a hair-trigger temper.
DOOM
No one has ever dared speak this way to Doom and
lived!
(pause)
I admire that. Please, I believe we got off on the
wrong foot. Allow me to make it up to you.
ANGELA
Well...you won’t fry anyone else with that...
DOOM
Conflagration ray.
ANGELA
You won’t fry anyone else with that conflagration ray?
DOOM
Doom swears it!
ANGELA
Or repulsor rays. Or death rays of any kind.
DOOM
Upon my mother’s soul!
ANGELA
No killing, then.
DOOM
Wait, I thought we were just talking about
rays;. I don’t see how I can promise—
(off her look)
Very well. No killing.
A Second Waiter approaches.
SECOND WAITER
Uh...excuse me, Mr. Doom, sir, has anyone taken your
drink orders?
DOOM
Miserable halfwit! Dare you test the patience of
Doom?! Your—
(deep breath)
What do you have on tap?
Angela smiles.
A half-hour later. The first waiter, now heavily
bandaged, clears the table and has the Lemon and Kiwi
Ices brought out to ANGELA and DOOM. Angela samples
hers, smiles, and Doom turns to the trembling waiter.
DOOM
She is pleased. Well done. Go, and know that you have
this day had a brush...with DOOM!
ANGELA
I can’t believe that poor guy is up and around...
DOOM
Rest assured, my dear, he is merely in terrible agony.
Now, you were telling me about your work as a
Corporate Attorney?
ANGELA proceeds to talk and talk about Corporate Law.
Amazingly, DOOM seems to listen and nod attentively
throughout the long and probably tedious explanation
of Angela's position as a Mergers and Acquisitions
Attorney.
ANGELA
...and so that's how a corporation enfolds another
company.
DOOM
Astounding. Truly, you have wit and charm to match
your peerless beauty, my dear.
ANGELA (blushes)
Thank you. So, you said something about the Kingdom of
Latveria? Is that in the Balkans?
DOOM
We are physically close to that lamentable strife, it
is true, but after I unleashed my Doombots and placed
a modified Mind Control disk I designed on Milosevich,
we have seen none of the carnage of that unfortunate
war. A NATO aircraft did violate Latverian Airspace,
but the Nth Ray transported the pilot to the
Prehistoric Past...the Jurassic Era, where he had many
adventures with a simian lad and his bright red
Tyrannosaur companion.
ANGELA
I thought that humans and dinosaurs didn't coexist.
DOOM
That's what many believe, thanks to the lies of my
enemies, like Richards! They conceal the truth of
science in order to keep the people of the world
ignorant of their true place in the New Order...an
order ruled and shaped by I, DOOM! Now, my dear, are
you enjoying your dessert?
ANGELA
Well...look, can I ask you a question?
DOOM
Please do.
ANGELA
Look, don't take this the wrong way (looks down at the
still-twitching waiter as two busboys struggle to pull
him away without attracting Doom's attention) but, I
mean, you seem awfully mad at this Richards'
fellow...I mean, sure, I get that you want to kill
your college roommate, because we've all been there, I
mean, mine was a tramp who kept bringing these scummy
guys home...but here you are, the King of a whole
Country and everything. It seems to me that you're a
bit obsessed with this guy, and I don't think it's
really neccessary. You've got a lot going yourself,
after all. I mean, that whole story about how you went
to Hell and tricked the devil into releasing your
mother's spirit, and that time when you took over the
whole world with that big diamond with some purple man
in it, I think you've got a great imagination. You
should just move on with your life and forget about
this whole Richards thing. (Sucks in breath, waits to
be disintegrated.)
DOOM (Thoughtfully)
Hmm. Perhaps. You have given me a great deal to think
about, my dear. While there is a certain satisfaction
to plotting the demise of your enemies, there has been
a great deal missing from my life the past few years.
Between usurping the throne of my native land,
defeating Mephisto, plotting to steal the power cosmic
from the Silver Surfer, buying controlling interest in
the Disney corporation and placing mind control disks
on the judges, prosecuting attorneys and others
involved in the recent Microsoft decision so that the
company will be easy prey for my latest plot to
enslave the world, it's been work, work, work. Why,
most other scientists would have received a Nobel
Prize for inventing a working time machine, but not I,
DOOM!
ANGELA
How do you get your voice to do that?
DOOM
Special wiring in my mask. Now, as it is late, may I
escort you home?
ANGELA
Okay. Yes, I think I'd like that.
As Angela takes Doom's armored arm in her own and they
leave the restaurant, the large picture window
explodes inward as a horde of Doombots swarms in,
hands the Maitre' D a Latverian Express Card, and then
heads back out.
posted by Matthew Rossi 9/2/2000 4:00:15 PM> |
link
By the way, it was Pete who wrote that Ooba Mooba thing. I would never write that. Well, okay, I would, but I didn't. Honestly. Anyway, I've salvaged the sketch, and so it shall be here anon.
posted by Matthew Rossi 9/2/2000 3:51:58 PM> |
link
Tuesday, August 15, 2000
In lieu of the long and funny post which Blogger just ate, let us now repeat Ooba Mooba Kabooby Poo five times fast.
Ooba Mooba Kabooby PooOoba Mooba Kabooby PooOoba Mooba Kabooby PooOoba Mooba Kabooby PooOoba Mooba Kabooby Poo!
posted by Matthew Rossi 8/15/2000 2:58:53 AM> |
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Monday, August 14, 2000
TITLE CARD: "Interview With The Werewolf."
[Int. Apartment. The INTERVIEWER is sitting at a table, loading a cassette into a tape recorder.]
INTERVIEWER
Okay, I think I got it running. So...you say you're a werewolf.
Do you have any proof of that?
A large, furry arm reaches on screen, grabs him by the throat and drags him off. There are five seconds of terrified shrieking and chewing sounds.
TITLE CARD: "The End."
posted by Peter Milan 8/14/2000 8:49:34 AM> |
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Monday, August 7, 2000
The pistol pressed itself against the back of my sweating temple.
"All right, McKinney," he hissed in my ear. "Where's the microfilm?"
"Top drawer," I replied.
There was a long, confused pause.
"That's it?"
"Yeah. Take it."
"Wait a second...are you Ace McKinney, Secret Agent?"
"No. I'm Stu McKinney. I'm the manager here at Microfotomat."
Long pause.
"Oh. I, uh, really should have noticed that when I walked in." He sounded embarassed.
"Well, it is kinda dark in here."
"So...are those my vacation photos?"
"Yes, sir. They came out perfect."
"Didja see little Janey? She's grown up into quite a young lady, hasn't she?"
"Oh, yeah. And Milton's gonna be ready for the football team soon."
"So what do I owe you?"
"Ah, don't worry about it. I'll send you my bill."
"Great! Thanks." He pocketed the microfilm and left. I returned to my newspaper, only to find the muzzle of a silencer poking into the small of my back.
"Where's the--"
"Your Siberian photos are still in the developer, Sergei."
"Oh. ...so! How 'bout those Pats?"
posted by Peter Milan 8/7/2000 1:06:37 PM> |
link
Wednesday, August 2, 2000
More alleged funniness. Ha. Fucking. Ha.
GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOURSELF
INT. STUDIO--INTERVIEW SET
MARVIN, Our Host, is seated opposite DR. RAOUL THOMPSON. (Theme song: Quiet Riot's "Bang Your Head.")
MARVIN
Good evening. I'm Dr. Marvin Costello and
welcome to Mental Health Hotline. My special
guest tonight is Dr. Raoul Thompson of the
Jeremy Institute for Advanced Studies.
Good evening, Dr. Thompson.
RAOUL
Evening.
MARVIN
And tonight, we will be answering your questions
on health, both physical and mental. I understand
we've already got a few calls lined up, so if
we could begin with Calvin from South Dennis?
CAL (VO)
Hello?
MARVIN
Good evening, Calvin. What seems to be your
problem tonight?
CAL (VO)
Uh...well, actually, I've been having a lot
of trouble sleeping lately. I don't drift
off until well after midnight, I toss and
turn...I'm down to three hours a night.
MARVIN
Hmmmm. Have you tried exercising before you
go to bed?
CAL (VO)
Yep.
MARVIN
Have you tried warm milk?
CAL (VO)
Uh-huh.
MARVIN
Oftentimes, if we're worrying about something,
it can interfere with our sleep patterns. Is
there anything going on in your life right
now that's worrying you?
CAL (VO)
Uh...no.
RAOUL
Cal? Dr. Thompson here. When's the last time
you masturbated?
CAL (VO)
...What?
RAOUL
Your monkey, Cal. When's the last time you
spanked it?
CAL (VO)
Well...uh...
MARVIN
Well, perhaps that's not something we should
get into right now--
CAL (VO)
Actually, it was about a week ago before I
had this problem.
RAOUL
Cal, if I were you, I'd give myself a quick
wank. You should be in dreamland in minutes.
CAL (VO)
Really? Thanks, Dr. Thompson!
Marvin looks around, a little shocked.
MARVIN
...Well! That's...that's not something I
would have recommended...
RAOUL
Marv, masturbation is a perfectly natural,
healthy part of everyday life.
MARVIN
Well, perhaps that's a topic for another time.
Our next caller is Donald from Falmouth.
DON (VO)
Hi.
RAOUL
What's your problem, Don?
DON (VO)
I just broke up with my girlfriend, and I'm
having a really hard time handling it.
MARVIN
Oh, that's too bad. Usually, when a relationship
ends, there's a period of adjustment that lasts
for quite a while--
RAOUL
Choked your chicken lately, Don?
MARVIN
Dr. Thompson! I fail to see what possible
relevance that has--
DON (VO)
No...I really haven't had the urge.
RAOUL
Really! Man, she must have done a number on
you. Well, Don, trust me. This is exactly
what you need to get your self-esteem back.
Okay, this is what you do. You live alone?
Roommates?
DON (VO)
N-no, I live alone...
RAOUL
Okay. Any porno in the house?
MARVIN
Doctor--
DON (VO)
Uh...I've got the new Maxim.
RAOUL
Is that the one with the chick from
the Guess ads?
DON (VO)
Yeah, that's the one.
RAOUL
How about cable? You got that?
DON (VO)
Yeah.
RAOUL
Excellent. Okay, it's...
(checks watch)
...a little after ten o'clock, so No Boys Allowed
Part 4 should be on the Spice Channel right
about now.
MARVIN
You remember that off the top of your head?
RAOUL
(duh)
Yeah. It's on right after The Adventures of Missy
and Chrissy. Everybody knows that!
Now Don, what I want you to do is
lock yourself up for the rest of the night,
get that magazine and movie ready, and don't
leave yourself alone for the rest of the
night. Now, what kind of lubricants do you have?
Vaseline, baby oil...
DON (VO)
I'm out.
RAOUL
Any Crisco?
MARVIN
Oh, for God's sake!
DON (VO)
I've got plenty of that, yeah.
RAOUL
Okay, use that. And don't be afraid to experiment,
try any massage oils you have, any fur coats you
may have in the closet...but stay away from soaps,
because those will start to sting.
MARVIN
Boy, I've been there--I mean--
DON (VO)
I'll give it a shot! Thanks, Dr. Raoul!
RAOUL
Good luck, Donny.
(sees the embarassed Marvin)
What?
MARVIN
Look...I think I should handle the next caller.
This is Cindy from Hyannis. Cindy? You there?
CINDY (VO)
Hello...
MARVIN
Cindy, what's your problem?
CINDY (VO)
I don't know, Dr. Costello. I'm just very depressed.
My last relationship fell apart, I've been out of work
for months now, and...well, I may have to move back in
with my parents. And with the world in the state it's in,
I...I can hardly see the point of life anymore.
Marvin looks deadly serious. Raoul lights up a cigarette.
MARVIN
Cindy, you don't want to give in to depression. Life is a
beautiful if sometimes painful process, and
you can't just give up--
RAOUL
Cindy, when's the last time you gave yourself
a little tickle?
MARVIN
Shut up!
RAOUL
What? It's a legitimate question.
CINDY (VO)
A what?
RAOUL
A tickle. You know, laying on of hands,
scratching the itch, working the bean...
MARVIN
Cindy, you don't have to listen--
CINDY (VO)
I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're
talking about.
RAOUL
Okay...when's the last time you masturbated?
CINDY (VO)
(embarassed)
Oh! Well, uh...I've never done that.
RAOUL
What? Didn't you ever go to summer camp?
CINDY (VO)
No.
MARVIN
Look, you criminal bastard--
RAOUL
Do you mind? I'm trying to heal somebody here!
Come on, Cindy. You've never given yourself a
little peace in the valley? What, were you
raised Catholic or something?
CINDY (VO)
Well, yes, but--
RAOUL
Didn't you ever go into the locker room with the
other cheerleaders and slowly undress each other,
letting their questing fingers embrace your--
MARVIN
Doctor!
CINDY (VO)
Look, I'm sorry, but I've never felt the need to
touch...you know...down there.
Raoul grins.
RAOUL
I love this part. Cindy, we're gonna have some
fun tonight. Okay. What are you wearing?
MARVIN
I don't believe this...
CINDY (VO)
Well...um...a print dress...
RAOUL
Lose it.
CINDY (VO)
Lose it?
RAOUL
Lose it. Any underwear? Doesn't matter, lose
that too.
MARVIN
So this is psychiatry, is it? Your college
roommate must have been real happy with you.
RAOUL
Oh, like you never yiddled with your fiddle.
Pipe down! Okay, Cindy, you're bare-assed now?
CINDY (VO)
Yes...
RAOUL
Okay. Now we're going to want to start with
a fantasy. Imagine--imagine that you're waiting
in a doctor's office, and a handsome doctor walks
in...
MARVIN
Oh, for--This has been Mental Health Hotline!
Tune in next week when we'll be talking with
Dr. Kevin Murphy and psychoanalyzing chimps.
CINDY (VO)
Look, I don't know about this.
RAOUL
Hey, do you want inner peace or not? All right,
so the handsome doctor starts to examine you...
posted by Peter Milan 8/2/2000 1:31:51 PM> |
link
|
Fugue: A
pathological amnesiac condition during which one is
apparently conscious of one's actions but has no
recollection of them after returning to a normal state.
This condition, usually resulting from severe mental
stress, may persist for as long as several months.
Comedy:
Popular entertainment composed of jokes, satire, or
humorous performance.
Fugue comedy:
A series of sketches written by Matt
Rossi and Pete
Milan which they don't have real clear recollections
of.
LINKS
Once I Noticed I Was On Fire,
I Decided To Relax
And Enjoy The Fall
Maybe he'll make you laugh. Maybe he'll eat you.
Tough to say, really.
I Shoot With My Mind
In the kingdom of the blind, the guy who sells the canes is king.
Our Minty Fresh Archives>
Take a look at where the flavor comes from.
|
