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"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexeplicable.............. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." --Douglas Adams |
9.16.2001
Terrorists attack and spread hate in the name of God. Given that definition, what does that make THIS man?
Alright...I need to vent, release a bit of frustration, to you, my Devoted Readers, before I lose my mind and fall into a tailspin of epoch proportions. I am spread very thin. Not from friends or such (if only. If that were the case, I can handle the friend thing) No, this thinness is completely emotional. Ive yet to find a job, and I am trying to compensate my lack of knowledge by overcompensating my studying of things I am not sure I will need to find a job. Basically, I am trying to know everything about everything in order to fill some slot anywhere respectable. Sure, you say, any job is better than no job, however, I beg to differ. I have had my share of jobs over the years. I know what I do and do not want to do. Emotionally, I cannot handle some fast food, or walmart type job, especially after 8 years of supposed success and then moving back here. Pride is the main reason. My parents are kinda getting on my nerves in the respect that they think I am here to do their bidding. Every weekend since I have been back, I have been obligated to help them restore and remodel our old house down the street. I dont really want to, it needs done however, because it is financially and emotionally killing them to have both houses. But evenso, I would like to have a weekend to myself to do something. I sit here all week with no money and do menial tasks for them out of boredom, is that too much to ask for a weekend? They never see anything though except for through their "oh poor me and my situation" eyes. Talk about paying for past mistakes....whew. The money thing is really getting to me. I guess the best thing to do is to buck up and get a job I dont like at first. At least I can get out of the house, have some money, and see if they can schedule me for weekends...lol.. 9.15.2001
I applied for Financial Aid. Im broke...yet some how they think I can contribute 4,000 dollars...go figure. 9.14.2001
Ok...I, too, am a copycat...I love this shit though. If youre bored and up to it...copy and paste this and change the answer to you own and email me.... (Quiz courtesy of Sara and Jule) Name: DiscoB 9.13.2001
Ok kids...if ya receive the Nostradamus email...it of course, like many interpretations of the Bible also, is fake. Would kinda be cool if the stuff he said applied though somehow someway. Congrats to Jule on her 5,001st website. A good friend of mine has a website now, which is deeper within his psyche than mine and is much more scandalous also. I will not link it at this time, that is up to him. Damn Charla, if I was the President...ya better damn well bet your bloomers that I'd be hiding out for a bit too. I need a new drug...Ive done all the rest, boring and too expensive, and alcohol is completely on my nerves. I might try this thing called sobriety, I hear it's a good time...who knows? I am fucking bored right now....not cause I have nothing to do, but because I dont have anything to do. There is a difference. Alas, no job yet...Jule, how the fuck can you stand it? It is driving me nuts. In a way, you are a stronger person than I. 9.11.2001
I must stress the fact that today is a very strange and tragic day. I realize that by now that the World Trade Center terrorist attack is old news and already history made. I have been glued to the television in curious astonishment of it all. It's kinda freaky that someone was able to vaporize the American security blanket, the one where we are oblivious to any threat on our freedom and our ability to run down to the Piggly Wiggly for cigarettes and beer. Gas has already sky-rocketed in many areas, Im sure other "necessities" will follow. It makes one wonder what will happen to the stock market itself, or if anything will ever return to the white picket fence normality. Now, Im not being doomist or jumping on the "the world is going to hell" bandwagon, but it does make one think. Many countries hate us for who we are, and what we have done. This may just be the beginning. I just hope this doesnt mean war...this hope is not for myself, but for those who have already lived through wars. Twice in a lifetime is too much.
Damn...no job leads yet. I had one today, and they supposedly filled it already....even though last night was the first night it ran in the paper....whatever. I am low on smokes and not happy about it. Hey Sara, did ya ever think to measure your TV first?....just curious. And Jule, you dont drink beer because its cheaper than Zima, you drink beer because youre an alcoholic. 9.7.2001
9.6.2001
My 25th summer is about to come to a close, and I havent done anything much interesting. Unlike my friend Dilok, I pretty much wasted my summer days in frivolous self-imposed boredom. The ending of this season means only that the dreaded winter is right around the corner. Damn I hate winter. If I was trapped in a box holding the key during the summer, the winter only means that the lock will be iced, and the enviroment will be that much colder. *Sigh*. I am in a debate with myself at the moment as to whether try to go back to school full time, or work full time and take classes. College-wise, there isnt alot to offer around here, and I am not ready to up and move again. I do, however, need to finish my education. Or something anyway. I am in that gray area of professionalism, where I know alot, could know a bit more, and need the paper to back it up. That paper of completion alone, makes the difference between $30, 000 dollars a year and $100,000 dollars a year. Of course, by the time I get done with school, I'll probably owe that much anyway. Money isnt the center of my universe, but it helps to maintain it. We'll see how things go. Take care. 9.3.2001
My parents are working me like a Hebrew slave this weekend....rough yet strangely refreshing. A job, regardless of what it is, is a must this week. Things of my perspective are changing.....for my good....other things remain the same. Im worried about my mother and my sister. They are so much the same person that they are always at each others throats. I dont get it. I dont think they do either. I have no time to myself. Thats it....I declare tomorrow is Disco day. I will do whatever I want. Well within reason...but still. We'll see what happens....hey people ...btw....get ahold of me..let me know how you are all doing....dammit...lol 9.1.2001
8.31.2001
I hate when you think you know everything and have lived everything, and it turns out not to be the case at all. Man oh Man. Life is a crazy carrot of confusion...but hey...it's a shitload of fun too. I think Im about ready to change the design of this page.....lol....just cant leave things alone, can I? 8.30.2001
Well....it's been nearly two weeks since I moved back. It is still a bit ethereal. I feel as if Im on th two week vacation I never had. Im job hunting like crazy. I have strep throat this week. That kinda threw me off schedule for the things Ive wanted to do. Ive been trying to make friends in this area. Mainly through gay.com. Ive met a few nice people, but most don't seem to be on my page. I just want to find some friends who are around my age, not into the glam of gay, and actually arent too bitter that they are living here, instead of some pumped up fantasy city with sparkles that don't exist. If they only knew. I need to get into a routine, and get a house too. I have so many plans. I think for once, I have some long term goals. Right on. 8.23.2001
ok....its been awhile since ive posted and way too much has happened to let ya know the full range of it all. I moved home last Saturday. I couldnt do the pathetic Columbus thing anymore. Not at all. I had absolutely nothing going for me. I am back home now, where someone actually gives two shits about me. Trancie is gone. He was at my sister's, and he started spraying....we put him outside and havent seen him since. I cried my heart out. He was better than most people I knew and at times, my best friend. Wierd how a pet can do that to ya. I miss the hell out of him. I will write more later...I promise. 8.16.2001
Alright....it is a new day. Reflecting on last night, and its incomprehensible post, I have lost that doomist feeling, yet the anxiety still exists. In a few minutes, I have to prepare myself, hygienically and emotionally to go to this new job. I am severely dreading it. I have never been so emotionally exhausted as I have at this new position. It's not the work itself...I like the work. Its the company and the disorganization of the place. And no seems to care. The owner least of all. As long as theres money in his pocket, he doesnt care about much. He requested that I sign this agreement with me and his company. It is basically a non-compete stating that he can do what he wants, I have not many rights, and that if I leave I basically have to leave the field of work for a year and a half. I refuse to sign this. It is absurd in every aspect. I am going to put it off as long as possible, and try to find a new job very very quickly. I would quit now, but that does not help the bills. I didnt win the lotto last night either...hell I didnt even have one number. If I could have one wish...just one wish...I know it's selfish, but my wish would be to come into some unexpected money somewhere.....someone who recognizes my situation, has been there, and understands what just a couple thousand dollars could do for my situation. Amazing. Money doesnt bring happiness....yet Im miserable worrying about it all the time.I am so close to being ahead and right on....talk about the transparent dangling carrot. I wanna move home. Not to live with my parents, but to get a nice place of my own, with a yard, and friends. I am no longer worried about the love of my life, since that wouldnt happen there anyway....plus its not happening here. My main worry and concern would be finding a decent job. Theres not alot of need for MIS people in my hometown. Thanks for putting up with me people...and may your luck be of the good variety. 8.15.2001
Im done kids. Ive tried...tried my best. Nothing is going right. My job is horrible...the new one, yes. I dont know what Im doing here anymore. Im watching all of my efforts from the last year dissolve in front of my eyes. I am alone here, and at home. I fit mostly nowhere. I no longer have fun. The world has lost all sparkle. At least here and now anyway. I need a change. I need to go. "It makes sense that it should happen this way Fly away It makes sense that it should hurt in this way It makes sense that it should feel this way 8.11.2001
Well its been awhile. Sorry kids. Well I'm about to head out this evening to go out and celebrate my birthday C-town style since i was out of town on my real birthday. Plus Im gay, we celebrate our birthdays the whole month. I am going alone, all of my friends are out of town, but honestly, I usually have a great time when I go out by myself. Less drama, and cliques can be intimadating. im highlighting my hair as we speak and got it cut today too. I am having a high confidence day...well all week really. Things are starting to look up. My last day at my job was wednesday, I start my new one on monday. Ive been talking to old friends as of late, which is good. Things are going well..I am not even worried about money, and my bills are pretty much paid off and up to date. Yay for me, Well kids, ill let ya know how tonight goes...Peace 8.6.2001
Well Im back from the hometown. Had a great time and a great birthday. Much thanks goes out to Tim and Melissa for putting up with me and showing me a good time. Thanks Tim for the stereo and the fish tank. I owe ya one. Well kids, I am 26 now. Too old for stupidity. Revelations achieved on the drive home last night. Things are starting to go well, and I am not worrying much about things like I used to. What will be will be. I am only one person, I am not focussed on or weeded out from others to have a more rotten life than anyone else. None of us are,,,,,so there ..pbbbtt!!! I have realized that I am pretty damned happy. Moreso than I really thought I was. I have alot going for me.....alot to be thankful for. I think we all do. Think about it. 
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