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I never know a killer from a savior.
My brother and I do our drugs together most of the time. Sometimes I don't; sometimes I'm just there to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't try to be Superman and take twenty hits of acid all at once, or start driving when it's clear he can't. It's twisted, in a way, that I feel the need to protect him, yet I allow him to do drugs. I should've stopped him, because now I have to find a way to help him.
My dad gave him a drug test yesterday. Blood, not piss, so Davey's fucked in five million different ways. When those results come back, we're pretty sure dad will send him away. That'll kill Davey. It'll kill me. So, somehow, I have to devise a plan to get him to stay.
I promised Davey. I have to pull this off.
I have come up with a few ideas, though.
1.) Let Davey stay here, and give him drug tests every week to get him to stay clean.
2.) I find an apartment, and have him move in with me. New parenting management. Still with the drug tests every week.
And tossed into that, put him on probation so that if he does screw up, the law will take care of him, and my parents will be free of blame.. because then it'll be my fault. I'd rather it be my fault; it already is, in a way.
I can't let him get sent away. I just can't.
posted by Lisa Johnson 8/8/2000 12:30:32 PM
Hi, my name is Lisa, and I'm an addict.
I discovered eBay and online shopping last night. Sure, I'd bought the occasional CD that I couldn't find in stores or maybe a book online, but I just went buck-crazy last night. I found such cool things, like a purple neon 8-ball clock, and an Aftershock shot glass. It's so easy. You poke through subjects, look to see what people are selling, check out the picture, the other bids, if you have a chance to get it or not. It's like a big game! A big expensive game, but a game nonetheless. And there's such cool stuff. I almost bought this hideous lamp for $150, but thankfully, I didn't. It was very tempting, though. Damn them people at eBay who make it so hard for people like myself to have actual willpower. Damn them!
But I wanna show you all how cool my stuff looks anyway, so I got picture links down there for ya. I'm so excited. I can't wait for my nifty stuff to get here.
8-ball clock Ocean poster Wicked purple lava lamp Shot glass Moon thing
I bought books at Amazon.com, too. I need help.
posted by Lisa Johnson 8/1/2000 2:16:20 PM
Lusting for normalcy.
This probably won't be the last entry I make within the next few days about Friday night and the acid, but I just had so many things bounce into my mind that night, then dissapear, and now they're resurfacing. So I have to get them back out again before they sprout legs and implant themselved into some uncomfortable, but annoyingly close, corner of my mind.
I realized that I'm always in need of constant companionship. I've grown completly dependant on other warm bodies to make sure that my head doesn't explode and follow weird, twisted tracks of possibilities that would never ever come true. I think that when I was a small child, like eight or something, I was independant. I had to be; that was just how my life was at that point. But sometime between then, now, and trying to grow up, that special little freedom dissapeared and grew, or regressed I suppose, into a total dependancy on other people. I can't be alone, because then I feel like I'm alone because everyone wants me that way. I'm not good enough. But I know this isn't true, so I think about that, and realize I'm doing this to myself so that I could force myself to go find people to attach myself to. Then I feel like a mooch. Then I go back to the beginning again and start all over.
posted by Lisa Johnson 7/31/2000 2:16:33 PM
Acid. Bondage for dumb people.
Walmart is the most wonderful thing on the planet. They have clothes, food, toys, games, and stupid little flower pillows with ugly cats on them. They even have body pillows faced like big deformed fish that you can use to whack people with. What more could anyone ask for? Well, a road map for the store would be nice. It's such a chore to go into Walmart looking for something simple like pacifiers, and get lost trying to get back out. Nevermind the fact that the five of us were whacked out on acid. No. Ignore that part. It's Walmart for crying out loud. Walmart! You're not supposed to get lost in Walmart. It's, like, a law or something. Or it should be,
Nonetheless, I add this to the Mysteries of Life. One day, someone will figure out how you get lost in Walmart, and make it so it never happens again. I have faith. Oh yes.
posted by Lisa Johnson 7/30/2000 10:40:25 PM
The simple things.
Ever swore to God you knew what was going on, took the effort to accept it, then found out you were so completely wrong? It's gotta be one of the most annoying things in the world. Here I thought Barry had broken up with me (afterall, he said he didn't want to be attached, and he liked us better when we were good friends. That sorta screams "We're breaking up!", doesn't it?) and while it bothered me, I accepted it. I mean, we still talked, were still friends, and still hung out. It was okee-dokee.
So what does the dumb bastard do to me then? Well, me, my brother, his girlfriend, and Barry go to Carla's house (the girlfriend) to do our little bit of drugs and watch movies. Carla and Dave on one couch, me on one, and Barry on the floor. We're all happy, watching movies, lalalala. Well, Dave and Carla leave the room to find something, and Barry jumps on their couch (the better one) and asks if I wanna lie there, too. Like I'm gonna say no. Come on. This guy is HOT and I have no problem admitting such lustings. Ha.
So I do. I curl against him along the couch, get comfy, and then freeze up for half a heartbeat when he rests his hand on my waist. Talk about floating on air. I'm just glad he couldn't see the huge smile on my face. Well, we lay like that for about three movies, falling asleep and waking up. Eventually, he hol;ds my hand. It was just sweet. My arm was squished under me in the most uncomfortable angle, but I didn't care. The fucker still hurts.
Then he kissed me when I dropped him off at home this morning. It's been about a week since we kissed; I'm still smiling like a freaking idiot.
I think it's safe to say we're back together, though I think I can't be like I was before, trying to go to him. I backed off, he came to me. There's an oddly pleasing feeling about someone coming to you, instead of you being the chaser. Makes you feel wanted. It's fun. Fun, fun, fun. I feel much better today; the last couple days have been great. Drugs, laughs, and Barry. Wow.
Anyhow, I think I might have to get some motivation up to kick Davey out of bed, and see if we'll go swimming. It's hot.
Toodles.
posted by Lisa Johnson 7/30/2000 4:40:31 PM
Lisa's Want List
1.) Sex.
2.) Sleep.
3.) Drugs.
4.) Someone to talk to.
5.) My boyfriend.
6.) A lot of my boyfriend.
7.) Somewhere to walk for awhile.
8.) Sex, drugs, Barry. Lots of it. All of it.
I miss him. I miss him a lot. I think I might cry tonight, but I'm not sure yet. I'll let you know later.
posted by Lisa Johnson 7/27/2000 1:02:29 AM
Love and tattoos.
I just got this thing, and I don't know how to really work it yet. I had to get Dar to do it FOR me. Which makes me feel stupid (Just kidding, darlin'. *Grins.*), but I feel like writing something here. Things that I did tonight, things I feel like rambling about, but can't do it over an ICQ message or in my diary at opendiary.com. So, here it goes.
I just found out tonight that my boyfriend, Barry, is annoyed that he can't go one night without seeing me. I guess that's fine, but sheesh.. I only see him for a few minutes a night, and it's not as if I'm following him. I live in this little ass town now, and it's virtually impossible not to run into every kid in town at least once. I don't mean to crowd him, I don't. But hell. I got friends here, too. It's not my fault that there's only one group of friends (everyone in Mclure and the surrounding few towns). I've always had problems making friends, so when I do, I tryto keep those friendships. I wish he'd let me be around him for long enough one night for me to tell him these things. Just one night, and I'll let him be for a few days. But I can't ever catch him.
I adore the kid, I do. I'm falling for him, fast and hard (sounds kinky, don't it?). It's true, though. I tell him that, but I don't think he believes me. I made him mad tonight, which was dumb since I knew he was in a bad mood. I'd been hearinf rumors about him and this girl Brandy. At first, it didn't bother me. Then it did, a lot, because I kept hearing it. I had to hear it from him, and whatever answer he gave me, it would be accepted as truth. He was annoyed anyway. I can't blame him, even though I'm normally pretty blunt about what I want to know, and what I want to say. Except around him. It's hard around him. He's different than anyone I've dated before. I'm used to getting constant attention from the guys I date, and he's not like that. He's one tough cookie to figure out, but I'll get it sooner or later. Hopefully sooner, so I don't drive him away.
Beyond that plaguing my head, I was forced to go out with Genn tonight. She so gets on my nerves, but I didn't have anything else to do. I'm gonna get another tattoo tomorrow, and it's going to be cool, damnit. I said so. I want another one. Maybe just 'cause I'm addicted to mutilating my body with cool designs, but who knows? I want my tongue and eyebrow pierced too, but Barry thinks that just my ears pierced looks good. So maybe I won't. Except my tongue. Now that's a fun piercing. Muwah.
Okay, I'm done for now, I think. I'm gonna figure out how to make my template look neat, and how to work this silly thing. Damn you Dar for showing me this. Now I'm obssessed. Damnit.
posted by Lisa Johnson 7/26/2000 12:21:38 AM
