Starting my third week in Psychiatry. I hung out at the Emergency department most of the day. Interesting place. Lots of yelling, swearing, complaining about not wanting to be in the hospital. The works. However, I guess the lesson is to learn to keep calm. Calm and cool. Like I told EL. Calm and cool.JC has a soccer game tonight, which is going on about now. I'm too tired to go though. For some reason, this whole hospital rotation business is getting me drained. Although I'm really not doing much, it's the thinking that seems to take so much out of you.
I'd love to have a cool glass of margarita right here and now. That makes me think of my friend, JD. JD, if you're reading this, you'll know who you are. Strawberry margarita....yum!
I'm glad that Dr. Tam is not one of those really intimidating instructors. I'd hate to be guided by one of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are supposed to motivate you and stuff, but not by making you feel like shit. According to Dr. Tam, the instructors were told to be mean to us so that we could learn. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just don't agree with this type of authoritative teaching method. Plus, I don't think it's the best way of teaching afterall. People will end up learning stuff just to impress their instructors, and often do not get the whole picture, or may forget it right after. Kind of like studying for exams.
I like how I'm learning now.
One thing that's so important also is to keep yourself sane by always telling yourself to take it one step at a time. Don't rush it. It'll just get more and more frustrated if you try and force everything into your brain in one sitting.
Thanks Dr. Tam. You're one great teacher.
posted by Carol Lee 9/18/2000 6:50:11 PM
One week has passed since I started my rotation in Psychiatry. Sooooo tired. Felt like I'd been at school forever already. I am glad that I have a terrific instructor though: Dr. Edwin Tam. Lovely teacher. Very clear, to the point. Good at answering all my stupid questions (which I had a lot, by the way). I'm working from 8:30 till 5:00 everyday in the Mood Disorders Ward (where patients with extreme depression/bipolar disorder/anxiety/etc. stay).Gives me something to think about though. When we started, our instructor told us about all these precaution measures to protect yourself if a patient ever decides to attack you. Use your legs. They are powerful tools. Or press the HELP button, which is hidden under the table, and which probably takes too long to find anyways while you are under attack. All these situations to scare us.
But, when I got to talk to the patients, they are just as human as any one of us on the streets. The more I look at the diagnostic criteria for these psychiatric disorders, the more I realize that anyone can fit into those categories if you really search within yourself. Take myself, for instance, I have symptoms of anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social phobia, and, like a lot of people, hypochondriasis. My mother seems to tend towards a dependant and anxious personality, and my dad, well, my dad...is funny.
I'm still trying to find myself, my identity. Talking to friends help. I was talking to JW from class the other day, and he said that I try too hard to explain myself sometimes. I should try to be more "callous", more "I-don't-give-a-shit-what-you-think", and maybe I'll be happier. But, I told him, I don't think I'd feel comfortable without explaining myself though. He said, "yeah, maybe you wouldn't."
Anyhow, starting again tomorrow. Hope everything's going to be okay.
posted by Carol Lee 9/10/2000 6:13:15 PM
Whew! Started school finally. It was nice seeing all my friends and all, but I feel drained. Frankly, I'm kind of scared about starting this year, since I'll be in the hospitals, seeing patients, diagnosing stuff, stuff which I don't really know a lot about. Hopefully, I'll be able to get by.Next Friday will be my first on-call night at the UBC hospital....Psychiatric ward. Hmmm...I wonder what it's going to be like. Web people out there: pay me a visit if you can. I'll appreciate it.
Haha. Just kidding. Who would want to enter the Psych ward late at night anyways?!
Okay, enough babbling. Gotta get ready for school now.
posted by Carol Lee 8/29/2000 8:37:35 AM
I'm feeling very sad all of a sudden. And this is what I ended up writing to El:I guess no one can understand how I am feeling right now, except you, maybe. I am sad, but I know I can't be sad. I've had everything that I could ever wish for, and I know I am probably one of the luckiest people on earth, and I really can't complain about anything. Anything at all. I have everything.
But, still, I want to be able to complain. I want to be able to get mad. I want to be able to shout, to scream, to yell at somebody. I want to be wild. I want to cry. Most of all, I want to cry.
When I was with you, I remembered burying myself in love novels/movies/songs whenever I didn't feel loved by you. I now do the same not because I don't feel loved. I do it because I need to cry. I can cry all I want when I watch movies/read books/listen to songs. When asked why I cry, I can always say....oh, the movie/book/song was touching. I'm touched. I'm moved. I'm emotional.
But, then again, I shouldn't complain. JC is perfect. He's perfect for me. He's been very kind to me. I really shouldn't be complaining.
Okay, never mind. I gotta study.
posted by Carol Lee 8/24/2000 11:02:08 PM
Hi, it's me again. Feeling kind of gloomy again. My mom is terribly sick. I'm honestly quite worried. So I'm not going to write much. Just wanna tell you people that I've joined EL to co-write his diary webpage. It's more challenging than I thought. Should I be answering to his thoughts, or should I be updating him on my recent adventures? Anyhow, if you are interested in listening to how I talk with my ex, please feel free. The site is www.ericarol.com.Yes, he named it after us.
How sweet. Thanks again EL. We've had some good times together.
posted by Carol Lee 8/15/2000 9:12:51 AM
Hi guys, this is a new version of how I'm going to write my diary from now on. That other method takes too much time. Not that I don't want to take the time to post nice pictures and graphics and all, but just don't have that time right now. Well, pictures or no pictures, I don't think you would mind would you? Thanks to EL, for introducing me to this new era of diary-writing on the net.Today was kind of gloomy for me. Just been to Mexico. I'm looking as black as a piece of coal. And I'm not kidding. Scary, ey? Anyhow, had lunch with JC's big family. Did some work in the afternoon. Going to organize a fashion show this coming Saturday. Sometimes, I'm still really confused as to what I want to do the rest of my life. I guess the perfect scenario would be to be a doctor 9--5, and then do free-lance entertainment project organizing in my free time. I love organizing stuff. I love it too much. That's my problem. ALL OF YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO IN THE FUTURE? Well, I guess everyone goes through that phase once in a while. But believe me, I've been through it over and over and over again. Gosh. It's terrible. Well, what can I say? Just live one day at a time.
EL, again, thank you for loving me. I am very happy now. You really don't have to worry about me. It's still nice talking to you over the phone though. It always will be.
The trip to Mexico taught me something. It showed me how to appreciate what I own, the place I live in, the food I eat, the people I know, the life I live. The living conditions over there are far from those in Vancouver. People are so much more hardworking, kids are less spoiled. Everybody works for their money. We look terribly lazy compared to them.
I had a long talk with my cousin tonight, just sort of letting out grudges, and stuff. We are the two most luckiest people in the world and we still have grudges. Man! Are we nuts, or what? However, it always feels better to talk to her, 'coz we both go through the same shit. We understand each other. Truly.
So much for now guys, if you're still reading, I love you all.
posted by Carol Lee 8/13/2000 11:33:27 PM