Kaly's Thought of the Week

.... well, due to popular demand, the thought of the week is back. I can't handle the swamps of emails I'm getting since I told you all that I would be shutting down for an indetermined amount of time. You people are relentless!

So, pray tell.. what should my thought be about this week? How about reconnecting. Communication. Not just with other people, but also with yourself. Attention. Not neglecting the person you keep safe within. What about the tools that make it possible to stay on the same page of someone that you care about. How about not always assuming that friendship, relationships, etc. come easy?

Those are all fine thoughts. And perhaps some that I will come back to, eventually. However, I think this week, I choose to focus on the demons that we all live with. The ones that feed off of our insecurites, and our fears. The ones who's logic is simply arranged to understand that which we push aside. We are always 3 people. 1) The person we let the world see. 2) The person that the world does see. And 3) Our true selves. (Thanks Eld... hope I got that right.. lol)

The first person, the one we send out each day, is the person we allow ourselves to be, to fit into the prearranged molds that society has created for us. This is a person who we've carefully cultivated. Designed and reshaped. Presented for acceptance.
The second person, is the one that society percieves us as. The one that carefully overlooks critical points, and exposes others. This is the person who is faced with ridicule, acceptance, denial, loss, need, portrayal, etc. This is how we come across. How we are viewed, by outside eyes. This is the person who gets the most damage control.
The third person, is our true selves. This is the part of us, that we ourselves cannot even deny. It is the person who lives deep within, and subconsciously controls our actions. It approves and vetos. Votes and casts out. It allows and disallows. It is our very essence.

I wonder how to merge these 3 people, into 1.

As with anything else, maintaining something, and keeping it in good working order, requires a lot of hard work and patience. To merge these 3 entities into 1, is not only a challenge, but also quite an experience. We all know that we require some sort of maintenance. Why then do we consistantly deny the need for upkeep within ourselves? Is it not possible that we care more about the daily going ons that we simply neglect our own care? I certainly hope not. I think it is rather a case of not wanting to face that which we know is hidden. Think you already know this? Think again. The things we take for granted in our lives, are more often than not, the most obvious things. The things that when you actually do realize them, seem to slap you upside the head, and open your eyes REAL wide.

I'm a victim of this as well. I am the Queen of taking things for granted. Of assuming that relationships will be maintained on their own, relationships with others, as well as with myself. Rather than tending to them, and nurturing them, I neglect them. I am slow to apologize. Slow to realize. Slow to understand that my lack of actions is often misinterpretted as not caring. I have realized this now, although, I can't say that I wont slip back in to my old cast. Maintaining oneself, which is the most prominent relationship of which I am maintaining as of late, is certainly an eye opener. I can say that at this moment, I face a challenge.

A challenge?

Yes.

I almost walked out on something special last week. Not only did I almost walk out on it, I also almost let it walk out on me. I was acting on pride alone. I refused to let my feelings dictate. Feeling vulnerable, and open for attack, I allowed my stubborn pride almost ruin my life. I can't express to you enough, how liberating it is at times, to not just win a war, but survive a battle... with yourself.

I had to face something this week. Something so terrifying to me that I had restrained myself from confronting it for a long time. That something was buried deep within. Guarded heavily. Access denied. To enter through the doors of those hallowed halls, I had to win battle after battle. I had to tear down brick by brick. And the war is still waging.

To actually gain access to the areas that we all guard so heavily is frightening in itself. It means admitting not knowing all there is to know about yourself. It means allowing for an open mind, when seeking the answers from within. It also means being prepared for enormous let downs, when you realize that you aren't all that you're cracked up to be.

We all lie. We lie to ourselves constantly. We say that we're not, what we know we really are. We deny ourselves the truth, because the truth is ugly. And we know it. I faced my truth this week. I stared myself down, and didn't budge. I refused to be intimidated by something that I myself had suppressed. I think I'm winning.

Ok... So, you're all asking me.. "Kaly.. what the HELL are you talking about?" Think about it. I think you know. I think if you read what I've said, and understand the source, then you'll understand the message.

The point I'm trying to make here, is that I've become honest with myself. I have faced the demons that I've spent the better part of 26 years hiding from. I have survived to tell about it. And honestly... it wasn't that bad. Now.. I don't know how long my strength can last against these demons. If I can withstand the struggle to seclude myself within again. One's true self has only one agenda. Protection. Keeping those innards safe from harm. Keeping the threats away. And right now, my innards see me as a personal threat. I have exposed them for what they were. The demons that live within me, are now on full alert. Ready and waiting the next assault.

Facing one's demons is dirty work. It makes sleeping at night hard, and waking up to face the new day difficult. You need to possess a power from within that will be strong enough to withstand an involuntary shut down. But, it CAN be done. Or atleast attempted. That is what I'm doing. I am attempting a war against my demons. And I hope to vanquish them completely. Perhaps some of you have demons that you've been ignoring. Perhaps they have been controlling your actions for far too long. Perhaps it's time for a pseudo spring cleaning of those hallowed halls.

Perhaps.
posted by Cindy Zuckert Sunday, September 3, 2000

Wednesday, August 9, 2000

My thought this week is a relatively simple one. It's about pride. Not the kind of pride that you feel towards another person, or pride that you feel over a possession. But pride that you feel about yourself.

Often times people will gravitate and dwell on the negativity in life, or in the things that people tell them. Old Grandmother's that say "You could be so pretty, if you would just lose a pound or two." (more like 20 or 30, right Grandma?). I have noticed that there are few people that I encounter on a daily basis, either in real life, or even here online, that take the time to look at their own accomplishments. Oh sure, there are a lot of people that are capable of sending out a positive vibe or two, towards someone else, but what about sitting back, and patting themselves on the shoulder for a job well done?

An example: Where I work, we have a Systems Manager, named Pat. Pat has worked for the company for many years, and has worked her way up into this position. She didn't go to school for it, and really, everything she knows about her job, she's learned simply by working there for as long as she has.

Pat's main job, is to make sure that all of our computers are running smoothly. If we receive any error messages, or cannot connect to the network for any reason, it is her responsibility to find out what the problem is, and/or call the appropriate people to come in, and fix it.

Last week, we were having several problems with our network, and Pat was running around like a chicken with her head cut off, trying to figure out what the problem was, or even where the problem was. Several fellow employees were hunting her down, within the office, bitching and complaining about not being able to get their work done, etc. etc. etc.

I sat there and watched all of this, and I waited. I felt this overwhelming desire to tell this poor woman, that she was doing a good job. I thought, "man.. someone should really tell her that she's appreciated, rather than pretending that the computer problems, are all her fault." Well, when I had my opportunity, I told her just that. Pat's reaction? Well, to put it simply, it was disbelief. She thought I was being sarcastic, and cynical. She thought I was being spiteful, perhaps. I don't know. I only know that she had grown so accustomed to the people that she works with sending her such negative vibes, that she didn't know how to handle one small bit of positive reinforcement.

I've since talked to her about that, and I explained to her what I was trying to do, and I have made her understand that if anyone in that office tells her something of negative value, it wouldn't be coming from me. This is because I'm a firm believer in positive reinforcement. And as I didn't ever receive much of it in my life, I try very hard to exude it to those whose lives I touch now. And to prove this point, I'll tell you one other thing. I'm *such* an advocate of positive reinforcement... I tell my almost 3 year old "Good job!" after almost everything he's done. Be it, picking up his toys, or eating all of lunch. Even when he tells me he's got to go potty, and actually does! :) This has rubbed off on him so much, that even now, regardless of what I've done, he tells me all the time, "Mommy, good job!" Heck, just the other day, Justin was taking me to work, and we went over a railroad track. Well, my son LOVES bumps. Justin didn't slow down, and we went Bump BUmp BUMp BUMP! Over the tracks, and the first thing I hear? "Ustin.. GOOD JOB!" (that was not a typo, the kid can't say his J's..lol)

At any rate, this thought was supposed to be about self pride. And I do intend to get to that point. But, in order to have pride in ones accomplishments, one needs to be a receiver of some sort of positive reinforcement. Some sort of encouragement, a pat on the back, or a GOOD JOB Mommy!

This week, I'm being a bit introspective, as well as retrospective. I'm looking at myself, and my life. My surroundings, and my accomplishments. My friends, my family, and my co-workers. I'm looking at my responsibilities, and my plans for today, tomorrow, and many future tomorrows. And I have to admit.. at this moment, right now, this instant, I am proud of myself. Not wholeheartedly. Not completely. Not even all encompassing. But for a few things, I am proud. I have made some accomplishments, that I never thought I'd see followed through. I received some positive reinforcement, from my brother Carl. From my boyfriend Justin. And from my best friend Steve. And of course, from my wonderful son. (GOOD JOB Mommy!) <~~ That KILLS me! Lmao

Anyway, I was hoping to leave this thought off, with another thought. Perhaps it is possible for some of you to also be a little introspective. And even a little retrospective. Perhaps you're due for a little soul searching, and maybe you'll find something that got over looked or was misplaced. Something that you should have patted yourself on the back for, but didn't because you thought that would be selfish of you. Or even shallow. I say do it. Find that one or two.. or even three or four accomplishments that you've seen through. Give yourself that pat on the back that you need, and do something good for yourself. Tell yourself that you are worth all the hard work, and effort that you put into these challenges. And even if no one else takes the time to stop and tell you that you did a (Good job, Mommy!), you know deep down inside that you gave it your all, and you have every right to be proud.

Be proud of your person. You opinions. Your thoughts. Your ideas. You suggestions. Your accomplishments. Be proud of all these things, regardless of how petty they may seem. Trust me. It's remarkable the difference having a little pride in yourself over these things is.

Well, that's my thought this week. Another public service announcement from Kaly. Dontcha just feel all warm and fuzzy inside now? hehehehe


posted by Cindy Zuckert Wednesday, August 9, 2000

Saturday, July 29, 2000

Well, from the looks of things, this new Blogger toy is really going to be a helpful tool for me.

I apologize for the icky look of the site, as I am learning more about it.


I would like to add a side note, to my thought of the week, though. I was in a very strange state of mind lastnight, as I wrote that. I was feeling extremely stressed, and the anxiety of it all, was really almost too much for me to deal with. I want you all to know, that I went shopping this morning.. spent some quality time with myself, and I feel like a new woman. I bought some new clothes, and makeup. Got the baby a few necessary (and some not so necessary) items, and also picked up a few things for Crc. I stayed withing my budget, and just took my time, and enjoyed myself. I really think I needed that.

I do want you all to know that as soon as I get this all figured out (and by all, I mean ALL) I will hopefully get things back to normal.

I have had one small disappointment in my week though. I found out yesterday that I wasn't going to be able to get the SUV that I wanted. It's just too damn much money. So, I think I'm going to wait until the 2001's come out, and wait for a really sweet deal. Hah! Then I'll laugh in the face of all the dumbass's that didn't think I could EVER get a new car.. :::Laughs maniacly::: (<- spelling?) ::shrug::

I have had this little thought of the week, as some sort of pseudo online diary thing, and it's been pretty good, cause I haven't had to mess with it too much. However, now that I'm figuring out this Blogger thing, I think I might be updating a lot more than I have been. Now, I will warn you.. lol I can't promise you much substance, but I will promise you nothing but truth where I come from. And you know of course, that it will be MY truth.. however I see it.

And.. on that note, I shall leave this thing alone for a while. The only thing I haven't figured out at this point, is how to freaking delete a post. (This is why you're having to look at the ugly and boring little post's.. like "Hi, it's me again.. blah blah blah) Hopefully, I'll figure out that little secret soon, and I can clean this shit up.

Anyway.. until next time... ciao
posted by Cindy Zuckert Saturday, July 29, 2000

Friday, July 28, 2000

Hey out there.. I apologize for not posting my thought for a few weeks.. I've had a lot going on, and I've simply been procrastinating as far as this site is concerned. Hopefully, as I continue to type here, I'll come up with something semi interesting, or atleast I'll have accomplished removing this monkey from my back for the next week or so. ;)

Really, the biggest thought on my mind today is expression. I consider myself a mediocer writer. I've had many people tell me otherwise. For the better, and for the worst. But, aside from that, I still consider myself someone who doesn't usually have difficulty expressing my thoughts, feelings, or emotions.

However, I've been seeming to run into some sort of expressionary difficulty lately, where I find myself explaining myself over and over again, and seeing that people are still not clear on where I stand on certain things, or what my thoughts are. I am finding this extremely annoying.

Last week at work, I was offered more responsibilities. This is fine, and I welcome it whole heartedly. But, I was under the impression that this new responsibility was something that I was going to be allowed to ease into. Not just dive right in. Apparently, I was mistaken. Because, as I already have an extremely full work load, my job is expecting me to pick up this new facet of my job description, and carry on.

I have had meeting after meeting with supervisor, higher up, and even today, a two hour meeting with the president of the company (whose idea it was to delegate this new area of work to me). No one is listening to me. Or atleast this is how it feels. I have stated and stated, time and time again, how I do not have a problem doing this job in the future. However, I would like to be given the opportunity to become more comfortable with it, and find a way to fit it into my schedule, with no pressure being placed, or my other said responsibilities suffering because of it.

Anyway, needless to say, I'm feeling very stressed right now, and I can't seem to get any reprieve. Most people are simply just nodding in mock sympathy, and not really caring about how I am already wearing too many hats as it is, and I really don't need another one.

I'm also faced with the situation, that the president of my company has extended his faith towards me, feeling that I am completely competant to handle this. Which under normal circumstances, I would be. However, I only want to be given some time, to complete the training of my other responsibilities.

Anyway, this feeling of not getting through, has extended past my place of employment, and has landed here at home, here online, with my family, my friends, and pretty much every one I'm coming in contact with. I don't know if it's some weird and demented cycle of the moon, or if my planets are just misaligned.. (this wouldn't surprise me in the least). Truthfully, I don't understand what I'm doing wrong here lately. I am stressing about pretty much everything, and I'm beginning to feel like I'm having an early mid-life crisis. This is stressing me as well.

There's just too much shit going on in my life. And it's really beginning to get the best of me. I'm stepping aside, and looking at things the way they are, and I'm thinking, that things should be running pretty smooth for me. Things should be going good. I have a good job. I'm getting a decent paycheck. I have a wonderful man by my side. I've gotten rid of a useless husband. I've got my children, and all their love, and admiration.. and yet here I am stressing about every simple little thing that is being thrown at me. I'm flying off the handle at everything. I'm biting off heads that shouldn't be bitten off, and I'm powerless to stop it.

I simply have no control over my emotions anymore. A former stolid person, with a steadfast purpose, was reduced to bawling during that meeting I had with the higher ups this morning, simply because I couldn't get my points across. I am at a complete loss over my direction. No. That's not entirely true. I know my direction. I am simply devoid of how to get to the places I need to go.

I have to get some control back in my life. I don't know where I lost it. Personally, I think I just got a little too comfortable, with the way things in my life had recently started easing into normalcy. I think I got spoiled with having to make so few decisions, that when it came time to make a few, I got hit square in the eyes with a handful of them.

I have too many thoughts this week, to make an intelligent post. And I apologize for the ventage, but typing some of this crap out, seemed to not just be a therapeutic process, but also a brainstorming attempt as well. We shall see, if either of those attempts worked or not.

By the way, I'm trying out this new tool called Blogger. I'd like to thank you, my special friend who showed me this handy lil gadget. You know who you are. ;) Anyway..if it works, I'll no longer have an archive for weekly posts. I'll probably archive them monthly, and keep on doing that, until I figure out how to use this darn thing professionally.

Oh, and faithful readers.. Thank you. :) I appreciate your presence, and your willingness to listen when I need to unravel.


posted by Cindy Zuckert Friday, July 28, 2000