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Wednesday, April 11, 2001
There is something I need to do about myself. I'm becoming grumpier and grumpier and grudgier and grudgier. I need to talk to people, but I don't know how to do it. I need to say things in person, so I can stop saying them to everyone else instead. I need to put myself out on a limb. I need to stop waiting for people to come to me. I need to stop inhaling dogwood blossoms up my nose. These conversations could be harmless. Or they could change everything. I don't like my life being concrete, but I also don't like it being a shimmery haze. My life doesn't have structure. Boundaries. Answers. And I certainly don't want it to have regret. I used to pride myself on seeing the good in everyone. Now I just see the bad. And I bitch bitch bitch, whine whine whine. But that doesn't change anything. Sure I got hurt, sure I was naive, sure I let people walk over me. But there *has to be* a middle ground. I need to do some thinking.
If anyone has any suggestions, let me know.
posted by Kurse L at 7:26 PM
"These are the Top Ten signs that you are in Love!" "10. Time is an eternity when you're without them" "9. Time stops when you're with them" "8. The thought of them makes you shiver" "7. The sound of them makes you smile" (check) "6. When seeing them, you can't see anything else" "5. You start to listen to sappy love songs" (check) "4. You actually enjoy sappy love songs" (check) "3. The smell of them makes you see fireworks" "2. You find yourself smiling constantly" (check) "1. You'd do anything, even die, for them" Four out of ten... uh-oh... Actually, number 1 isn't right. If "You'd do anything, even die, for them" then you're in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves.
posted by Kurse L at 11:25 AM
Tuesday, April 10, 2001
I'm too hyperrrrrrrrr to write this paperrrrrrrrrrrrr. I should go run around and bash my head into walls for a while... ya know, to get in the mood. Maybe I'll close my eyes and pretend the world doesn't exist until Saturday. Yeah... sleeping until Saturday sounds good. Will someone wake me up on Saturday around 3? Saturday Saturday Saturday. I live for weekends now.
Right... paper...
posted by Kurse L at 8:32 PM
Monday, April 09, 2001
This weekend was pretty slow. I went home and sat around, played with my brother's ferret, and went to se Yi Yi with my mom. Well, I guess Saturday and Sunday weren't slow. On Saturday I went to a Hindu wedding in the morning. It was interesting and beautiful and long and confusing. Sonia's sister married an American named Ron Mohr. Sonia was a bridesmaid-type-thing, and she looked very exotic in her sari. I didn't stay for the Christian wedding, but I went to the reception in the evening. From 3 to 6, I hung out with Cordelia in her dorm room. It was her 18th birthday, so I decided to ditch the rest of the wedding and be with her. We didn't do much, but it was fun nonetheless. I also got to meet her boyfriend Ryan, who is damn cool. Then I left for the reception, where I knew no one, really. The food was good, but I left early. Sunday I tried to teach myself how to rollerblade, with some help from Mike, but since they were his blades, they were too big and hurt my ankles. So we made smoothies instead. 1 banana, four scoops of lemon sorbet, 1/2 can of pineapple & guava juice, and lots of ice. It smelled awful but tasted really really good. I named it Mikey Fruity... or Fruity Mikey... or something like that. Then Jesse arrived and we went to the last Blue Jacket's game of the season. We were playing the BlackHawks for the last place in our division. The game was pretty exciting- we scored within the first 30 seconds, I think... and after some more excitement, the game stayed 3 to 2 until the third period. Then we were tied and in overtime, we *finally* scored another goal. So we won, 4 to 3, which made me happy. Second-to-last place is not bad for a first year expansion team. So, I'm satisfied. I officially adopt the team as "my boys." =) Anyway, back to school. It'll be over soon.
posted by Kurse L at 11:58 AM
Wednesday, April 04, 2001
I feel invisible and worthless. Thank you Kenyon. All but three of you can go to hell. Yes, I'm a whiny bitch. I don't care anymore.
posted by Kurse L at 6:45 PM
Monday, April 02, 2001
The uneasy feeling went away with one phone call. One long and glorious phone call. I am happy.
posted by Kurse L at 11:52 PM
Yuck. I hate uneasy feelings. The presentation went fine. My life is going to be so much easier now. I should be happy.
posted by Kurse L at 2:44 PM
Today was craziness. I got home from Wooster at 9am, and had only gotten about less than an hour of sleep total. I had gone to bed the night before at 4am, after having drank many cups of coffee. So, no sleep really. I just laid there listening to the other person in the room breathe. When I got back to Kenyon, I started throwing up, but there wasn't anything in my stomach, so I just heaved. It would happen every couple of hours. I think it was my nerves and all the stress just getting to me. After my meeting at 10:30, I slept until 5pm. I was supposed to meet Atool for dinner at 6, but when I got there, I was so stressed and upset that I just cried. So he and Kat and Sheroi took me to the Village Market and bought me sandwiches and calmed me down. Atool and I then went to Take Back the Night... For those of you who don't know, Take Back the Night is a sexual violence awareness week. I went to the Speakout, where people can go up and talk about their experiences or just talk about sexual violence in general or whatever. So a lot of people told their stories and other told other peoples' stories, and some people tried to interpret what had happened to them. I finally decided to go up and speak after too many people I knew had gotten up there and spoke already. So I went up and basically said that I wasn't planning on talking unless I had a positive message, but that I couldn't think of one. So I told my story and talked about how empty it was to tell it and how it just kinda meant that the world can fucking suck... but how I felt better that I had told a large group of people... and then my brain died and I went back to my seat. But I did it. In front of people I know. People I know and have no reason to trust, except for the fact that they were there by choice and listening to me. Weird feeling.
After I spoke, a girl came up to me that I had shared a room with two years ago and apologized for not being there more often and for not getting to know me better. I felt the same way about her, and it was nice to hear. Atool and I also had an interesting discussion about what I said and what other people said and stuff. I think everyone that walked out of there after it was over felt enlightened and maybe relieved? I also came to understand a girl I really dislike better... and I want to let her know some stuff, so I might email her about it.
So... tomorrow I have a big presentation and just thinking about it makes me nervous enough to throw up again. Luckily I have an appointment with Dr. Reardon and with Nikki this week. I can get it all out then. Wheeee. Going to bed now. Goodnight!
posted by Kurse L at 2:36 AM
Friday, March 30, 2001
Printing out my senior exercise essays (comps) was more climactic than turning them in... As Sparky put it, I was expecting balloons and fanfare as soon as I handed them over, but nothing happened. Oh well. It's over and done. I sat on a bench until class, then took a quiz and watched two depressing videos about closed head injuries. Ate lunch and now I don't know what to do. More work? No. I'll save that for tomorrow. So tomorrow I have two or three interviews to attend and then I get to go to Wooster! Thinking about heading up there is like driving over small hills at 80 miles an hour... my stomach just rolls. But it will be ok. I'll have fun LARPing and then back to Kenyon. Work just doesn't end. Well, I guess it will end... in about 6 weeks. Ah, graduation. A beacon of light.
Thanks to you mom & dad, aunt Kerstin, Abby, Becky, Atool, and Phil for cheering me along. =)
posted by Kurse L at 2:15 PM
Thursday, March 29, 2001
Mini-crash tonight. It was all about not being able to concentrate on my paper. What with all this Take Back the Night... painful shit and not that many people know. But a good friend was there for me and didn't mind me whining and being kinda angry at everything. (Thanks varmaa!) Also realized that someone else I know is a good friend but is too reserved to make first moves. But he listened to me tell my story and he asked appropriate questions and was generally interested in my well-being. Maybe I need to reach out more often. Huh. Go figure. I figure I'll suck it up and get this work done and then go crash at Dr. Reardon's office soon. Wheeeeee.
36 hours until my Comps are due.... yikes.
posted by Kurse L at 1:33 AM
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