read it all again 6 months later.
reads like an email
posted by Russ Dean 3/21/2001 02:49:53 PM
reading back over what i what wrote 6 months ago, and it reads like an email
posted by Russ Dean 3/21/2001 02:39:25 PM
man i'm really sucking on this thing.no prozac in about 20 days. Coincidence?
posted by Russ Dean 8/22/2000 04:06:00 PM
"bad people rule the world"trying to work up to a good long discussion of my last weeks journeys.
posted by Russ Dean 8/16/2000 02:44:43 PM
My plant has just found its new home.Birthday tomorrow. Festivities include the following people:
Liz - Girlfriend of 8 some odd years
Joy - Best friend of girlfriend, mystery details
Keith - friend from first days of Chapel Hill, the one that was deflowered by Joy at the age of 29
Mike - friend that I spend too much time with, that bitches about down he is during every moment of it
Greg - college friend who is, if he really shows up this weekend, will be a big surprise. Greg has big problems
Jeremy - coworker of girlfriend that I do not trust
Laura - girlfriend of coworker of girlfriend, that I have a feeling will back out
Jason - friend from the theater, reason why I have smoked so many cigarettes
Beth - wife of Jason, reason why I smoke cigarettes in the last week
Random people - theres always some random people
Parents - I spend so much time talking about them at the therapists office, I don't know what to addAnd then I am off to Mississippi/New Orleans, Monday to Sunday.
I have mixed feelings. But my therapist has taught me that that is ok.
Note: Therapist not included in birthday activities
posted by Russ Dean 8/3/2000 04:11:38 PM
Slacker and slacker on my postings.The bad news is, I restarted the cigarette odometer and it is back up to 2 days without a cigarette.
The good news is, I bought a pot and soil for my plant.Completely wasted the weekend.
And my arm hurts from playing video games.
But, I'm feeling okay.
posted by Russ Dean 7/31/2000 02:35:33 PM
The best part of my job is my plant.
This is not the first plant that I have had here. The first one I had was a pretty good one. I watered it pretty consistently, and kept thinking it was my longest experience taking care of a living thing.
One week, they waxed the floors, and I swear it smelled like vomit around my office. I kept asking people if they smelled it, and everyone looked at me like I was crazy. Finally, I realized it was the plant. And all of a sudden I started having vague memories from my childhood of someone explaining that plants need water and sunlight, but not too much water, and I must have watered it too much....the horror.So, I'm blocking that one out of my mind. I have a new plant. It is doing pretty well. We have our ups and downs, like when I don't water it for two weeks, and it limps around my desk. But it bounces back. Attractive women stop by my desk, and help prune it, and chat for awhile - and I enjoy letting them tell me all about what to do to the plant, even though I hear the same things over and over.
I need to repot it. I hope I will do it soon. Sounds like a major undertaking for a freak like myself though...
posted by Russ Dean 7/27/2000 04:38:34 PM
some important statistics of the moment:days since I last had a cigarette:11 (Saturday or Sunday the 16th/17th)
consecutive months that I have watched at least 15 movies:17 (10 so far this month)I've smoked more this year than I have since I was 14. Sometimes, it is clear to me that this is a bad thing. And, I swore that I was going to cut back on movies this year, and haven't made much of a move to do so.
Therapy was really good today. I have a new train of thought about how to think about my problems. It involves looking at my time as divided in two. Conscious time versus Leisure time. Leisure time fills 99% of my life.
I talk a lot about moments of clarity, like an alcoholic or something. Moments that I feel like my head is above water for just a little bit, and everything is clear to me. I haven't had one of these in a long time, and I wonder what effect Prozac has on this. Sure, I get pretty down when I'm unmedicated, but at least I get the ups associated with mood swings. I am half-interested in trying some serious sleep deprivation to get a different perspective on things, like the Indians did in some book I read as a kid. Sit in a pit, in a cloud of smoke for a long time until you have a vision.
I'm ready to start a Fight Club.
Meet me out back.
posted by Russ Dean 7/27/2000 03:46:52 PM
The minor steps to took towards supreme happiness this week.
Bought a mop, bought some bread, got posters matted.
For some people, these things might seem like everyday events - for me they are triumphs.
I feel like one of those women in those commercials who are afraid to come out of the house or put down the bottle.I repeat a lot of the same bitching on here. It is a skill that I have developed from repeating lots of the same problems at the therapist eveyrday. I believe that if I pound at the same things, something will pop in my cerebral cortex, and it will all be better.
posted by Russ Dean 7/26/2000 03:11:30 PM
Time to take stock.Back from New Jersey - I refuse to ever take a drive with my whole family again.
I think my father is getting sick. In the sense of its all downhill from here. He is 64.
Liz gave me a bunch of stuff to worry about last week. Things are a little better.
My place is still nice. But I'm doing a lousy job of making it nice.
I'm still poor.
I'm thinking I need to stop watching as many movies, because I need more time alone, to write.
I feel okay, but I'm still so goddamn stuck in place.
Like I was last week.
And when before I moved in.
And before the new year.
And before I turned 25.
And before I moved to Chapel Hill.
And before I went to college.I thought my life was going to be a lot better after I got that tattoo....
posted by Russ Dean 7/24/2000 03:11:28 PM
I'm leaving in an hour to head to Kernersville, and then 8 or 9 hours in a van with my mother father sister neice nephew, as we are headed to Jersey for my grandmother's whatever (she has already been cremated, so its not a funeral). I expect that I will do quite a bit of sleeping over the next 4 days, not just because of there being nothing to do, but just the level of stress I feel when I am around the family. I always take naps when I go home.It will be a stange weekend. It would be anyway, but I already have lots to think about. I like to think at times like these that I am having a life-changing moment and everything will be different from now on, but it doesn't happen. I have an extreme lack of ability to change. Movies give me a complex about it.
A toast, to hoping that I feel different on Monday than I do right now.
posted by Russ Dean 7/20/2000 11:01:57 AM
yesterday
a really bad day
liz is mean, I am angry
Liz says many hurtful things, I weather the storm.
Liz tries to make it better, I trust her less.
posted by Russ Dean 7/19/2000 04:12:25 PM
200 dollars that I put in the bank to start a savings account. Can't keep it all with my other money, because I don't have the self-control to keep up with it. Just a million away from a fabulous movie career.
posted by Russ Dean 7/18/2000 05:00:22 PM
I'm bouncing back, in as much as I'm attempting an entry
Let's analyze my sleep numbers for the past while.Thursday - 3am to 7 am
Friday - 4 am to 3 pm,
Saturday - 2:30am to 10:30am, 10:40am to 3:00pm
Sunday - 1am to 7am
Monday - 2:30 am to 7amConsistency.
I haven't had a cigarette since the three I had Saturday night.
I haven't seen enough movies this month. Therapist was good today. He likes it when I fall asleep in there, because he can rifle through my pockets for change, no, because he thinks it is a sign that we are touching on important things. It makes me feel deficient when I stay awake the whole time.Going to Jersey Thursday to Sunday for the thing for my grandmother. I have mixed feeling about this, but mostly I am just dreading driving up there with the whole goddamn family. I haven't made such a trip in a long time. Reading for the trip - new Harry Potter book, Timeline, Portnoy's Complaint.
It's good to write again. I wish it felt this way all the time. I need to worry about it less.
posted by Russ Dean 7/18/2000 02:10:05 PM
what a weeki smoked so many cigarettes
i went to a strip club for the second and perhaps last time of my life
my grandmother died
and wednesday was the most demoralizing day in a long time
when i did absolutely nothing all day,
called in to work sick - but alas, i had not yet found my phone,
so i had to drive down the road to a pay phone, call in sick,
and drive back and crawl into bed.
It is just about over. Time to attempt to start my entire life over again.
posted by Russ Dean 7/14/2000 03:35:51 PM
I just found out my grandmother died about thirty minutes ago. I am grandparentless from now on.
I feel sad for my mom.
posted by Russ Dean 7/13/2000 04:57:51 PM
Been feeling unsettled all morning. This happens to me all the time and being the repressed person I am, I don't stop to figure out what is bothering me. I have taken the time and have come up with three things that are on my mind...a. My sister is coming tonight to borrow money. This couldn't come at a worse time. I just moved into the new place, I have big ideas about things to buy for it, and I'm feeling selfish. And I'm poor...But, she helped me out with money in the past. So, this should make us even. I should just get over it.
b. I haven't been doing a damn thing at work. Haven't felt up to it. I should get my ass in gear. A secretary down the way got in a huff about some confidential recycling that has been sitting around. It is my fault, although others may not know it. Snap out of it, boy.
c. I made a bad trade in my fantasy baseball thing. I'm still winning, and I think I just fucked it up. No take backs. Again, I should just get over it.
That's it. I shouldn't let this minor stuff get to me.
posted by Russ Dean 7/10/2000 11:56:24 AM
My drive to write has been small. I hope this is not a permanent trend.My therapist was on vacation this week. While it feels like a vacation, I don't really like it when he is gone. Sure, I get to have a lunch break - see all of my friends that I otherwise skip out on. Sure I don't have to deal with driving there, driving back, grabbing a quick bite.
But the therapist is one of the only things I am doing right now in my life that seems real - that has a point, that isn't just me biding my time until I'm dead. Four times a week, which I have probably been doing for about a year. When we started the psychoanalysis, he said 2-4 years. I'm hoping I'm in it for the long haul.
I feel bad though. Not tremendously bad, but I feel like I have lost perspective on everything this week. I feel petty and immature. Not that I feel that much better when I do go to the therapist. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic. I think I am. I'm forcing myself to write. Because each day I do, make this the longest journaling experience I have had. I need to back into the swing of writing.
Small list of things that don't feel like biding time:
Therapist
Seeing my parents
Writing
Watching old movies
ReadingI don't feel sure about any of these - all of them feel pointless at one time or another. And at this moment, the writing one is a big joke.
posted by Russ Dean 7/7/2000 01:55:05 PM
I don't feel capable of writing, because of the evil fucking whore who is bordering on stalking me.
I cannot express how much this person bothers me. She will not go away. She will not go away. She will not go away. She will not go away. She will not go away. I thought this was her last week. Now next week is her last week.I finally started spreading the story around. I'm not sure why - I think I'm hoping that someone else will make it evident that something is up, that I'm completely uncomfortable with her. She will not go away.
posted by Russ Dean 7/5/2000 04:40:01 PM
This morning - one step closer to acheiving my wonderful life? First omen - went to take a shower and realized I still hadn't bought a shower curtain. Took one anyway, hunched against the wall. I felt like I was in a concentration camp.Then I killed a bug on the way out the door.
posted by Russ Dean 7/3/2000 01:48:05 PM
Sunday - Deep deep sleep. I told Andrew I would be back at 9 the next day to try and finish, so I finally got out of my coma around noon. I talked with my mom, and after a little wrangling, agreed to meet them in Sax. at two to pack into their new van. Drove quickly out to the house, where I scrambled to bring stuff outside onto the porch, hoping to save myself the hassle of hiding all the dead bodies from them.
The whole crew showed up - Mom, Dad, sister, nephew, niece. I thought to myself how leaving people behind would have saved up much needed packing space, but I bit my tongue.We dropped off stuff and left my mom and niece at my new place - headed off for another load. When we returned, my mother had unpacked a bunch of my boxes. After I got over the immediate fear that she would have found something I didn't want her to see, I noticed that she had taken all of my dishes out and cleaned and stowed them in the kitchen. I opened a cabinet to find my green and blue clear cups sitting there. It was a great moment, I hadn't had these cups out of boxes for awhile, having bought them three years ago for my place in town. Sure, I suck for letting my mother do my dishes. But, that really was a great moment, when I felt that I was truly in a new home that was all of my own - and I felt very thankful to my parent for the help.
I was thinking about it last night when I went to bed at my new place for the first time. I was thinking about how tired I get, and how hard it is to work up the energy to help myself, let alone other people. I was feeling sad, about my parents getting old and the fact that my father couldn't really help carry any of the heavy stuff. I was worried that I won't be as helpful a parent, if I have kids....
posted by Russ Dean 7/3/2000 01:45:24 PM
Saturday - Painfully get up at 900, as I am borrowing Andrew's truck for the morning. Mike has agreed to help me as much as he can until he has to be at work at 1230. I take some stuff over to the new place, and my landlord and his wife are there, cleaning up, doing some yard work, etc....it was pretty nice of them. I headed back to Saxapahaw, stopping at every place possible looking for rope, as I thought I was going to have to strap the mattresses to the roof of the truck. Apparently, no one had ever heard of rope.I got back and Mike was already there. Mike was a real pain this day. He gave me a big speech about a year ago, about what a good friend he was to people, helping them move and such...Well, I only needed him to help me with the mattresses and a dresser, and he was completely pouty the whole time. I would rather have done it without him.
Rest of the day spent going back and forth, lugging as much as I can. At some point the person taking over my part of the old house, Paul, and his borther and friend arrived. Paul seems to be a real nice guy, but his brother and friend were obnoxious. I sat down to ten minutes of poker with them, and quite enjoyed winning fifteen bucks. Patrick never did leave me the money....
At some point, pot was being smoked. I considered it, but smartly decided against it. At some point music was being recorded. I listened a bit. At some point, a guy showed up with a huge Ryder truck, a girl with a nice ass, and a motorcycle. I kept on packing.
Joy and Liz arrived around midnight. I was a bit disappointed in Joy's reaction to my new place, which I thought she would love. I drank an entire bottle of champagne on my own. I don't remember when I fell asleep.
posted by Russ Dean 7/3/2000 11:34:27 AM
Friday - With hopes of a seamless move already in jeopardy, I drag my ass out of bed at 11:30. Therapist at 12:05 - last time for awhile, he is gone all next (this) week. Pay the phone company, pay the power company, getting tired already and I haven't even started for real. Home, a little packing, a little pissing around. Have to work at the theater for opening night of Perfect Storm, so I'm there by 5:30.
Evan and Susanna stop by to chat around 11:00, so I take them by to see the outside of my new place around midnight, and they show me a couple of places that they are looking at. We may be neighbors...
Home by 1:00. Read some book, bed by 2:00. Moving accomplished 2%.
posted by Russ Dean 7/3/2000 10:18:52 AM
I gave up the key and slept in my new place last night, so I guess I am officially moved.Thursday, 5:30 - I clean out my car, dumping everything I can into the university trash bin. I take off from the theater, so I head home and pack up all of the things with with easy moving shapes - CD's, movies, books. I am moving at a pokey pace, and I give in and come to town to watch the Perfect Storm screening around 11:30. I roll out of there at 2:45, ready to not at all get an early start on Friday, which I have taken off from work at.
posted by Russ Dean 7/3/2000 10:10:28 AM
So tonight starts the big moving push. I'm excited and anxious and depressed and tired. I desperately want to make a good go of the new place, and not piss away another year of my life. Included in the worries about packing and moving stuff are such topics as:
money that I don't have
Joy's sexual escapades that I need to call her about
insects that are waiting to jump out at me
calling the phone company
the desire to screen Perfect StormI feel petty. These are not real problems. The old woman who was cold was much more problemed.
posted by Russ Dean 6/29/2000 04:55:02 PM
I was right
posted by Russ Dean 6/29/2000 02:37:08 PM
And now I think Joy is trying to get around to telling me that she deflowered Keith.
Quite a day in my blogging world.
posted by Russ Dean 6/29/2000 01:49:40 PM
The comment that I was so pleased with went something like this."I think about the movie "Mr. Jealousy" alot in here, since I really love the movie, and it has a good bit of therapy scenes. Towards the end of the movie, the girl starts seeing the therapist that Eric Stoltz was seeing throughout. She is dealing with obsessive-compulsive stuff or something like that. She is really concerned with whether she steps on the cracks on the floor at work. She believes if she finishes a tour in 19 minutes, it will be a good day. Then there is a scene where she is talking to the doctor and explaining that she has been doing what they have talked about, and she is doing much better, and not worrying about the cracks on the ground. And what I think about is that I can't comprehend what happened in between. What she did with the therapist that made her able to change" My therapist didn't answer.
posted by Russ Dean 6/29/2000 01:35:49 PM
I had a moment at the therapists today. It has nothing to do with anything we said though.
I arrived at 1200, 5 minutes earlier than usual, and there was an old grandmotherly woman sitting in the chair that I usually sit in. That's fine, I'm flexible. I sat on a sofa and read about the Lakers for a couple of minutes. The therapist came out to get me as always, looked the slightest bit surprised, as I was not in my regular seat, and then I saw a look of more surprise at the woman. She kept staring at the door, and was obviously waiting for someone. I assumed that she had just had an appointment with him, and that he was mildly anxious that she was still waiting there.
(Hopefully, a paragraph marking will magically appear here)I go in and do my couch thing for twenty minutes and get to a point where my therapist is talking, and referring back to a dream I had talked about maybe 6 months ago. This is a good moment, as any time he talks is rare, and any time he refers to old
things accurately is a plus. And a quiet knock comes at the door.
One other time, a long while ago, his secretary walked in on us, as she didn't realize we were in the office at the time. She apologized profusely, and I got the impression that she thought that he was very bothered by being interrupted. That stayed with me today, as I again got the feeling that he was not pleased at being bothered - I'm not sure why I felt this since he didn't say anything, and I am turned away from him.
Therapist "Yes"
Old Lady, in sad feeble voice "No one came to pick me up....
He walks out with her, and I hear him ask her to sit and wait for 15 minutes, and then he will be done with me and he will help her call who she needs to call. I notice on my watch that we have 20 minutes left in the session.
He comes back, but the moment is lost. We pause, and I try and recapture it. I am feeling bad for the old woman, and I also don't want him to be bothered with her.
I get rolling again, and in the discussion of a movie, I make a comment which I am rather pleased with.
And a knock comes upon the door. It has been 15 minutes.
He asks if we can make up the time tomorrow. I say that is fine, please do not worry about it.
He opens the door. He walks out with the woman, who is on the verge of tears, "I don't know what to do, and I'm cold...."
I leave and I feel badly for both of them.
posted by Russ Dean 6/29/2000 01:26:43 PM
Suck is fantastic today. www.suck.com
posted by Russ Dean 6/28/2000 03:24:17 PM
So - fantasy baseball. I have been playing on the CNN free league. I am winning.( Perhaps if I figure out the webpage thing I will include my graph of how I am doing. I make a lot of graphs and lists and things.) Anyway, I am winning, and if I do say so myself, winning quite handily at the moment. But, the season is not even half over yet, so by no means is it guaranteed. Anyway, in the last two weeks we had a situation of two of the teams going into collusion, and everyone having to bitch about the trades they made, because one guy who feels pretty assured of losing felt like screwing it for everyone else. Finally it seemed to be settling down. I felt stupid for putting the least bit of mental energy into this game, but I decided to not worry about it. I have just been trying to have a little fun and have some good healthy competition.So, I check in this morning, and one of the players has left a message "I'm done. My players are on waivers. Have fun...." Fucker. It reminds me of a friend of mine that used to flip the Scrabble board off of the table the moment he knew he wasn't going to win, no matter how far into the game we were.
I have game/competition/fairness/anal retentive issues related to all of this, but it seems too much to go into. I just wanted to write Fucker about this guy and get it out of my system. Yet again I feel like I am 10 years old...
posted by Russ Dean 6/28/2000 03:19:57 PM
I just sent an email to Liz's dying uncle.
This guy is about 60, a little strange looking, a little eccentric, fairly rich. He supposedly had about two-thirds of his heart removed a year ago, and is pretty down about the fact that he will be dying in the near, but undefined future. I met him this winter - I had heard things about him from Liz's mom which made me want to meet him, mainly that he had suffered from bad depression all through his life. We had a good time, we drank, and he told stories of his colorful youth in New Orleans.
Now we have planned to go see he and his wife in Mississippi this summer. I don't like to travel much, which is a problem, as Liz seems to come up with travel ideas all the time. I have always been excited about this trip, though, because I think he is such an interesting and sad guy, and I want a chance to get to know him more before his demise.
SO, I look at this trip as a chance to broaden my horizons, gambling and reveling with rich folk, going down to New Orleans with someone that grew up there. I have romanticized it...I think I actually have thoughts of keeping the guy alive by being so charming...
So, I sent the email, trying to finalize plans for the trip. And I'm nervous about it, as I hope it all works out, I hope his health holds up until then, I hope we all have a good time....
I am already feeling better, I'm hoping yesterday was a low point for awhile.
posted by Russ Dean 6/27/2000 04:27:07 PM
Spent last night at a movie with the person I have been trying to avoid like the plague.
I have spoken of the recent developments to friends and therapist, so it seems silly to discuss it
all again in here.
Am I using up all of my good stories on the couch? Just like, am I using up all of my intelligence on
smart-ass comments that I make all day, instead of writing something? Do I have any intelligence?
Am I using up all of my shampoo?
posted by Russ Dean 6/27/2000 01:47:53 PM
I have moving on my mind. I plan to move this weekend, but I have not yet packed a box, reserved a truck, set a specific day, decided which friends to get to help with the heavy things....
I have a perfect vision of systematically going through all of my belongings, tenderly sorting and cleaning all of them (throwing away maybe a third) and starting everything anew in my new place. I also have a nightmare vision of stuffing things into my car on Saturday night, while sweating and cursing, and going off into the woods with a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey when it all doesn't work out.
But, I don't want to get ahead of myself, right now I'm just trying to focus on not being to scared of what kind of insects I will unearth in Saxapahaw during the process.
posted by Russ Dean 6/26/2000 10:20:50 AM
I haven't posted in awhile, due to my taking the day off on Friday, and not being near a computer over the weekend. I worry about falling behind as I usual do in journaling-type experiences. Yet another in a long line of constant reminders of how forced this is for me.
I had a hard time getting to work this morning, which I attribute to this conversation of last week.
Gretchen "Weren't we supposed to do something, Russ?"
Russ "Oooooohhh. Well. I'm at the theater for the rest of the week. Let's talk about a movie on Monday."
And now it is Monday, and I am not jumping in to talk to her, and I walked past her ten minutes ago and she acted pouty. Going well so far.
posted by Russ Dean 6/26/2000 10:15:24 AM
And therapy was good today, which is probably why I have avoided talking about it.
posted by Russ Dean 6/22/2000 04:45:26 PM
Just got back from helping a random person who was picking up surplus furniture.
I thought I would lend a hand - it seems that the most praise I get at work is when I
haul furniture around.
Anyway, the woman I rode over with managed to tick me off. Here we were, giving her a bunch of free
stuff, hauling some pretty gangly shit around, and she leaves me sitting in her truck for twenty minutes
while she goes back inside to do god knows what. I'm overreacting, and I sound like my father.
But damn...
posted by Russ Dean 6/22/2000 04:44:53 PM
Therapist in 30 minutes. Four times a week.
I change my mind about it just about every day.
Today I just feel too tired to go.
"I will drag you kicking and screaming through this, as always, and in the end, you will thank me" or some such thing.
posted by Russ Dean 6/22/2000 11:33:28 AM
Successfully fought the urge to expose my log to Joy.
Can't stand the fucking person that just hit me with "Weren't we supposed to do something Russ?"
Planning to duck out...now.
posted by Russ Dean 6/21/2000 04:50:25 PM
9th grade, getting picked up for school in the morning by Kent, my best friend of the moment.
I remember having it out with my parents, because they were not keen on the idea of me riding with Kent, and had no conception of how not cool it was to ride on the bus.
I assured them they had nothing to worry about, but it turns out that they did because the usual pattern was as follows:
Russ: "what's up"
Kent: "check under your seat"
Under the seat : case of beer
I can't imagine the desire to start drinking at 7 in the morning, since I can barely drag my ass out of bed at 730 these days, but I was up for it then.
So, we actually got up early and got to school a half-hour before we needed to, and sat in the parking lot in Kent's red car type thing, and drank and smoked cigarettes, a few times towards the end of the year it was pot. We were fearless, which I don't understand since it was a small parking lot that was monitored all of the time.
Showing up to my first period Honors Algebra II class, Mrs Smothers. Drunk. It occured to me only later that I must have reeked of cigarette smoke all day.
Thinking about it, since I just had a cigarette on the way back to work.
I used to chew Big Red to mask the smell then, now its Extra.
posted by Russ Dean 6/21/2000 01:28:51 PM
I need to sit down with Andrew to get all our money straight. I dread this, as he is such a money bastard. Insert Anti-Semitic remark here.
I am such a freak about money. All of my money in the world:
maybe 100 dollars in the bank.
maybe 700 dollars I will be paid by the end of the week
a check sitting in my mailbox from my father which I am guessing is between 600 and 1000 dollars.
450 deposit from the place in Saxapahaw minus the bills that Andrew and I have scattered around the house.
Minus any other bills I may have following me.
I wouldn't know about those, since I haven't opened my mail since Christmas. This is not an exaggeration.
I am 10 years old.
posted by Russ Dean 6/21/2000 11:05:23 AM
Late to work. Probably because I knew my boss was going to be out of town for three days.
Finally came to term with the fact that Anne is actually out of town, gone to Montreat, so I am not just being ignored. I think I knew she was gone, but I was selectively forgetting.
I called Liz and made sure she didn't still have the address to my site, to make sure that I didn't need to worry about anything I write.
posted by Russ Dean 6/21/2000 10:59:43 AM
I'm not feeling right, and I haven't since Thursday or Friday.
Therapy was ok today, focused on my two dreams that I remembered fairly vividly from the weekend.
The interesting bits are the way "I seperate myself from my desires"
If I was smart enough to change my life according to these surreal sessions, I would be set.
If I only I had the ability to write.
I'm going to guess that it is going to take awhile to get over the desire to dis myself in a journal,
just like it took awhile to get over listing how awful of a fuck-up I am on the couch.
posted by Russ Dean 6/20/2000 02:49:22 PM
I emailed Anne yesterday, and haven't heard back. Actually, I didn't hear back from the last email, a week ago. She is the woman of the moment, and I'm not feeling good about it. I don't think she thinks much of me.
I had a dream about her the other day, it was quite nice. It was in some way supposed to be a modern telling of its a wonderful life. Backround info for external folk: I have an It's a Wonderful Life tattoo, which I got in April. It still awaits touch-up, all it takes is a phone call to the guy, but I haven't had the energy.
It's a Wonderful Tattoo.
posted by Russ Dean 6/20/2000 11:21:52 AM
Off to the therapist in a half-an-hour. I skipped out on Friday, and now I am feeling a little anxious.
I had work to do, but with any amount of effort, I could have gotten it done earlier. Actually, it was a complete waste of my time anyway, so I should have just gone. Now, I will be strange on the couch. He will be strange. Maybe I'll fall asleep. Like I usually do.
posted by Russ Dean 6/20/2000 11:18:19 AM
I used to be smart.
Now the thought of figuring the computer, blogger, website shit out makes me so tired.
Some people would be energized with the challenge. I have a lazy mind however.
It's times like these that I think its time to turn to speed.If I stop and think about it just for a second and calm down, I should be happy that at least I wrote something. It is a start, no matter how humble.
posted by Russ Dean 6/18/2000 06:08:12 PM
And how can I recover from the fact that my 2nd entry was as whiny as can be?
Feeling doomed right from the start.
breath
posted by Russ Dean 6/18/2000 05:54:42 PM
Are you kidding me?
I changed the size of a box on the screen and my entry disappeared.
How can I bounce back from the fact that my first attempt at thinking through an entry is gone?
posted by Russ Dean 6/18/2000 05:53:27 PM
How does this thing work?
posted by Russ Dean 6/16/2000 04:32:47 PM