Alright.. Heh.. I'm back in the saddle again!
Literally too! I got myself a brand spanking new car! Woohoo! I'm all sorts of happy now! If you didn't already know, I've been trying to get a car for a few months now. Not trying very hard, just pretty much thinking about it, and trying if I saw something that caught my eye. I was sort of holding out, cause I had my eye on a Kia Sportage, and I wanted to wait until I was at my job long enough to ensure the possibility of actually getting one. Anyway, I've had sooo many people telling me bad things about these vehicles, that I was thinking, it might be a bad idea to make that purchase. But, I tried anyway. I went to a shitty hole in the wall dealer, and tried to get one, and I got approved and all, but they wanted too much money, and it wasn't even new. So, I told him to blow. Then I waited a few months, and went to a dealership. Not a name brand dealership, like Ford, or Nissan, but just a local dealership, who deals in new and used cars. Well, I got approved for one there too, but for also too much money. Plus I think he was dicking me around, cause I'm a chick and all.. ugh!
Anyway, I decided to do a little research into the safety of Kia Sportages, and, it turns out that their safety ratings SUCK! Well, with having a small child and all, I couldn't possibly take that risk. So, I started surfing the net, and going to all the major name sites, like Nissan, and Toyota. Well, I didn't have to look too far, before I found something that I liked. I faved a few of the sites, and emailed them to Justin. Asked him what he thought, and went ahead and sent an inquiry to a local Toyota dealership. This was probably a week ago, maybe last Wednesday. Well, the chick from the dealership called me up on Thursday night, and told me all about this little car I was interested in, and set up an appointment for me to come and "test drive" it. (Now, I have NEVER test drove a vehicle in my life. Not even the Kia I wanted. I made Justin do that.. lol) So, I told Justin that we needed to drive about an hour or so, over to this dealership, cause this chick wanted me to test drive this car and stuff, and he was all cool with that. Well, on Saturday, we went over there expecting to do this test drive, fill out some papers, and stuff, and basically be told the same song and dance we'd been hearing all over town. (No one wanted to give me something I could AFFORD) Anywho, I drove off the lot with a sporty new Toyota Echo. A what? You say? Yes, an Echo. Never heard of it, you say. Well, that's because Toyota just released them. They're brand new on the market, and quite honestly, I've only seen ONE other one in my town, which is fairly large.
I love my new car, and I love the fact that it's affordable, and sporty, and cute, and reliable, and.. and.. and.. it's BRAND NEW! Hehehe.. I can honestly tell ya, that NO ONE in my life ever thought they'd see the day when I had a new car. It's a sign of things to come I say! My life has been changing in a very positive motion these last few months. I got a kick ass job, and I got divorced. Won custody, got a new car, got a great man by my side. Getting my bills paid off, and my credit looking good.. Man I tell ya, I feel like I have a whole new lease on life now!
I've come a long way, and I am not only inspired by my own direction, I am awestruck by it too! I am proud of myself, which is something that I've never thought I'd ever feel for myself. I am doing things for myself, and not giving a rat's ass if anyone is being put out by it.. (namely the people who accuse me of only thinking about myself, when they know damn well, that I've done nothing but bend over backwards for them my whole life)
Life is good!
Remember this folks! There may be a time when I return to my former cynical self. But for right now, I'm on Cloud 9. Tooling around town in my zippy lil car, and making the Ex-Husband positively GREEN with envy! Hehehehehehehe!
posted by Cindy Zuckert 10:32 PM
Oh my god. I feel like shit. I woke up this morning, and I shouldn't have. I should have died sometime between conscious thought lastnight, and conscious thought this morning. What a miserable day!
I haven't written in my journal for a couple of days. I just haven't had anything to add. Honestly, I don't even know if anyone even realizes that there is even a 'journal' portion of this site yet, even. I like it that way though. It makes me feel less inhibited in what I write. I don't have to hide my thoughts, or feelings. I don't have to do anything like that. I can just pretty much say what I feel. Which is the purpose of a journal anyway, isn't it?
At any rate, I survived another week at work. Nothing too dreadful happened, and I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of all my new responsibilities. Things seem to be picking up their pace, and that makes me happy.
Also, I was surfing around the net the other night, looking for what kind of car I wanted to buy. I've had my heart set on a Kia Sportage for the longest time. I even applied for a car loan and stuff, and got approved for one. Unfortunately, they are WAY too expensive for my blood. I simply can't afford that kind of vehicle. So, I went in search of a lesser priced car, thinking that if I got something cheaper, that I could pay on it for a year or so, and build up my credit some, and then REALLY get the car of my dreams. Which isn't necessarily a Sportage, but definitely an SUV. So, anyway, I found this really cute new car, called a Toyota Echo. It's totally trendy, and there's bound to be a bazillion of them on the road within a month or so. (They're a brand new type of car) At any rate, I'll be on the ground floor of this new trendy discovery. I'm going to test drive one tomorrow, and hopefully, ::crosses fingers:: drive off the lot with one. I'm completely torn too. I haven't decided what color I want yet. Green, or Silver.. decisions decisions. :)
::thinks::
I talked to my Mom tonight too. Started off being an excellent conversation. She almost sounded genuinely happy to hear my voice. But, it didn't take long for her maternal bitch switch to click on. Gawd that woman simply does NOT know the meaning of being supportive. I'm all telling her about my job, and work, and the divorce, and my new car, and yadda yadda yadda, and I start telling her about how the Attorney General is soon to be all over Jackie for non support, and she just tells me that I live in a glass house, and I shouldn't throw stones. Simply because I have two children that live with my sister, and I don't send any "cash" support. I send what I can. And I do way more for them, than my sorry ass ex-husband does for his son, who only lives 10 minutes away, while my girls live several thousand miles away. I will never understand my mother. She cannot seem to understand, that if I get this car, that will mean that I will become more selfsufficient. And becoming more selfsufficient will mean being able to be a greater help to my sister, in the upbringing of my children. Never does she realize that it doesn't matter what my ex-husband will do. He'll always be a loser. But, she still chooses to lump me with the likes of him.. Yes.. the maternal bitch switch was on indeedy.
Anyway, I've pretty much vented what I needed to vent. I'm too sick and ill to want to be on this computer for much longer. I don't even feel like chatting in the room tonight. (Hint: Sure fire sign that there's something wrong with me.. when I don't want to talk!) So, I guess I'll just close off this entry with a hearty 'Hope I feel better soon!', and I'll check back in a day or so for another update.
See ya!
posted by Cindy Zuckert 9:37 PM
Hmm.. well, I had an entire post typed out, and was almost ready to publish, when my computer decided to eat the damn thing. Apparantly, the super forces in my life, didn't want you people to read about my boring day. Go figure.
I didn't have much to say anyway. Just a little piece of my life. No biggie. Nothing major happened today anyway. The only reason I'm typing anything to begin with, is because I would like to atleast TRY to be consistant with this journal. I want to add to it everyday, even if it is only mindless drivel.
In other news, I have completely blocked the ex-boy-friend that felt it necessary to tell me that I appalled him yesterday. I have done this before, only partially. (Blocked him that is) He tends to be an avid AIM user, and in the past, I've only blocked his AIM s/n's, and that would usually do the trick. However, since I am evidently appalling to him, and he can't understand why he ever liked me to begin with, I have blocked his AIM name, and his AOL name, as well as deleted his sites from my bookmarks list. I was being stubborn by even thinking that he would grow up at some point, and realize that a friendship was better than nothing. However, he falls into the ranks of all those other people in my life, that only like me, when I'm doing what they want. The instant I verge away from their control, and mindless bullshit, and become insubordinate, I am nothing. I am apalling. They can't handle not being the one in charge.
Tough titty, I say. I'm slowly but surely removing those types of people from my life. On here, and in real life. They're all hitting the road. It's better this way anyway. If I screw up, I know that *I* screwed up. I can't say "well, so and so, lead me to believe.. " or "but I thought you said if I do this, this and this, then that wouldn't happen.. " Blah blah blah.... my life is slowly becoming MY life. And I'm enjoying every second of it.
I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit scared, because I am. But it's a strange kind of scared. It's not a vicious, fearsome kind, that leaves me incompacitated, and frozen with fear. It's a nice fear. The kind of fear that you get, when you're excited. Like climbing to the top of the rollercoaster.. you have that anticipatory kind of fear. And that's how I feel. Not quite knowing what's going to be on the other side of that hill. But anxious to find out just the same.
I encourage everyone to take a few steps on their own. I also think it's foolish to go through life believing that you don't need anyone. We all need people. Be it friends, or family. Teachers, or students. We all need that interaction to grow, and soar. But a person should also remember that they needn't be dependant on people either. When your every move is gauged by someone else's opinion, like I used to be, that's bad too. We all need to find out who we are. To ourselves. Get comfortable in our own skin.. Learn how to accept, and enjoy our own persona's. And then, we can enjoy the folks that are around us.
Heh.. well, that's my warm and fuzzy post for the day. Hope you all had a great day. Mine was pretty decent, and I'm not ashamed to say that I'm eternally glad it's almost over. I'm one tired chica today!
Until next time..
posted by Cindy Zuckert 9:07 PM
Well, this is my first addition of my on-line journal.
Basically, things have come to a pretty stagnant place as far as life goes. On Friday, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I was completely overwhelmed with things that were going on at work, and home, and in life in general. Somehow I made it through, and that in itself is encouraging to me.
When I left work on Friday, I was being asked to take on some more responsibilities that I didn't think I could handle. I felt like my supervisors were simply expecting a little too much out of me. But somehow over the weekend, I realized that my boss would never have asked me to do it, if he didn't feel confident in my abilities. And that made me feel pretty good. I also thought, that since this is a relatively new job, that it would probably be a poor business decision to turn down the offer of more responsibilities. I mean, if I turned this down, would there be other chances? Would there be other tests? Or would the company I work for, simply see me as someone who couldn't handle the things that were requested of me. I couldn't stand for that to happen. Besides, I love a challenge. :)
As for other things, I'm home alone again. Justin is at work, and the baby is spending the night at his Grandma's. I enjoy being here at home alone for the most part. Sometimes I get lonely, but, not very often. Afterall, I have this entire on-line world to keep me company. And it's very rarely that I dont' find someone to entertain myself with.
I did come on-line today, and IM someone that I should have just left alone. We had a "spat" a few weeks ago, and I was hoping that tempers had cooled since, and that it would be "safe" to begin communications with him agian. Apparantly I was wrong. ::sigh:: Some things will never change, and some people never will either. Some people will continue to point their fingers at all the wrong people, and never claim responsibility for themselves. This makes me so sad too. Because I genuinely care for this person. He was always much more than just a "boy-friend". He was someone that I cared about very deeply, but I could never seem to break through. There were always obstacles in the way. Either on my part, or his. Something that was always preventing us from making our relationship more than what it was.
Eventually, I realized that it simply wasn't in the cards for us to be more than friends. Unfortunately, I don't think he ever realized that much. And it got to the point where a friendship simply wasn't enough for him. It became overwhelmingly painful for him to even be in a conversation with me, because it seemed I simply reminded him of what he was unable to have. And mind you, he wasn't unable to have me, because I didn't want to be with him. Because at one time I did. Very much. It's like I said, obstacles. The miles between us. The relationships that came before each of us. The time that past in the meantime. Things change. I still find it sad though.
He told me the he was "apalled" with me. I was completely shocked. I have never done anything spiteful, or outrightly hurtful towards this person. I have always tried to be gentle, and caring. Apparantly, all that I did, wasn't good enough though. Because he chooses to see his truth. And that's his right I suppose. I hope that someday he'll realize that the timing was never right for us, and he'll be thankful for what we did have, when we had it. I know I always will be. And although he chose to use hurtful words with me today, I don't hold it against him. Because I know those words came out of pain. Not out of truth. Not out of how things really are. I hope he realizes that a friendship sometimes, is better than nothing at all. I'm sure he'll understand someday.
Oh well, enough about him. It just makes me sad, and depressed. I really hate it when I can't get through to some people. I've had that problem here at home lately too. It seems to be my problem all over the place actually. I'm not coming through. I must be on some strange frequency. I think I'm speaking English.. Atleast I hope I am. Some reason though, not too many people are relating to me here lately.
Justin thinks I hate him. And I don't. I'm having a very hard time adjusting from going from being married to an asshole, and being in a relationship with someone who loves me genuinely. I don't think that Justin understands, or maybe he just misinterprets. Could be a mixture of both. I don't know. But I've been behaving a little less than would be desired in a healthy relationship lately. I don't know why. Well, I do know why....I just can't seem to stop.
My biggest fear is that Justin wouldn't understand. I would love to tell him the things that go through my head at times. I just don't think their sane thoughts. Seriously, I am afraid I'm losing my grip here a piece at a time. Heh.. Justin reads that, he'll have me committed.. lol.
If the site doesn't get updated for a while, you know why.. lmfao. You can send all your fanmail to me care of Bellevue Hospital for the Nutcases. :)
posted by Cindy Zuckert 9:59 PM