Look into my eye and tell me if i am lying?
posted by Chris . 9/18/2000 7:25:13 PM
Lonely
posted by Chris . 10/9/2000 10:03:33 PM
hmm i never get emails , if anyone wants to email me its fordy61@hotmail.com
posted by Chris . 10/9/2000 8:44:59 AM
i have been stressed out for days , I think i might lose the one thing i love soon , and theres not much i can do to stop it , maybe i am holding this person back from being with someone they already know and who could be there now for them , i dunno , i would sacrifice everything i am and have to meet this girl and work on us , everything.......but maybe thats not enough , i am 30 in feb and i still haven't started a family , its starting to scare me that i could be here this time next yr same place same situation and still not met her , i love her to death and just can't give up on us.........sigh
posted by Chris . 10/9/2000 8:31:00 AM
people explain there feelings in different ways , i am very upfront i guess i use names ect , yet others don't use names and always keep u guessing , this can be quite frustraiting for me....i realise this is their style and shouldn't say anything....i dunno maybe i am weird , i know i think to much , way to much.....i am forever worrying about things.......i sometimes hold back on showing people i care about them as to seem distant , so they aren't sure if they have me or not , i dunno why i do this , i think its a defense mechanism to stop them from thinking they have me when in all fact they do but i'm scared of letting them know it because it gives them this power over me and the ability to destroy me.....i know i have to stop doing this and give my all and show them the feelings i try so hard to hide......but the other prob is , my feelings towards someone are so overwhelming its scarey and maybe those feelings would scare them off or maybe bring them closer , maybe i'm scared to take that risk......i dunno ......i think i am weird maybe even fucked in the head......i am sure some would agree
posted by Chris . 10/3/2000 6:49:33 PM
i am going to start another blog , no one will know this addy it will be just for me and my thoughts and feelings from day to day
posted by Chris . 9/28/2000 9:31:30 PM
ever just sit and wonder where your life is going? i do this a lot lately and always come up blank , i am a different person to wot i was a yr ago 2 yrs ago ect , but how far have i really come , am i a better person now or am i worse , i have found out a lot about myself in the past 6 months things good and bad , sometimes i am happy with the person i am and other times i despise who i am and think i am not worth the ink used to write out my birth certificate , people always say i am nice , caring and special , but is wot they r saying really bullshit ? i mean come on , i look at myself and i see a person that has nothing to offer anyone , i'm not rich , i'm not attractive , i'm not smart , i'm not motivated.......heh funny how i think myself into depression huh
posted by Chris . 9/28/2000 9:29:56 PM
we all wear masks , i wear one to work everyday , its a mask that shows a happy , semi confident , semi smart guy , i wear this for the clients as to perform my tasks , but when i'm not infront of them the mask comes off , and i am me , quiet ,shy , almost depressed. I have very low self esteem if u havn't noticed by now , sometimes thinking i am not good enough for anybody , sorta expecting to be alone forever , thats me , thats how i am , i want to change it , i draw my strength through others. Now i ask all of you this , What masks do you wear?????
posted by Chris . 9/27/2000 11:44:57 PM
*cough* ugh , I have a cold my throats sore and my nose is blocked , must be the change of seasons , i also had my apraisal or however u spell it on saturday , YaY lost 15 kgs of fat and gained 10 kgs in muscle in the last 5 months , woo hooo. *cough* i got fit to get colds????? why is this so????? , i wanna crawl up in bed and be looked after but its not gonna happen , gotta work , ciao
posted by Chris . 9/26/2000 8:02:46 AM
sigh , i have a few opportunities to move out come up , 1st the one i spoke about a few weeks back myself and 3 guys , thing is i like my privacy and solitude and i dun think i'd get it there , the other is move in with judd and his dog , k st one will be a 4 bedroom mansion in a yuppie area , the 2nd is a 3 bedroom house 2 rds back from the beach and involves a sharpai dog , there is a 3rd option maybe , move out on my own , judd's is looking the best , i just dunno , i need to move out but maybe i should wait for another option which sounds like it could happen quite soon hmm , maybe i should talk to that person =] , ok i'm having a weekend at home due to getting to drunk the last few weeks and spending to much $$$$s , ciao for now
posted by Chris . 9/22/2000 9:00:36 PM
just saw the largest shooting star ever , wot do they say? make a wish or sumthing , hmmmmi guess everyone gets to a point where they think about switching there computer off and never turning it back on , i am close to that now , just when i thought things were getting better and maybe just maybe i was close to finally getting wot i want another hiccup occurs , i have some good friends on here some that i would miss a lot , but if it comes down to Laura or net then i'm sorry but i will choose Laura , i hope it doesn't come to that but its looking that way..
posted by Chris . 9/21/2000 9:01:11 PM
how do u tell when u love someone? thats a hard question , it changes with everyone , there reasons for why they are in love , i have been in a few relationships , maybe even at certain times thought i was inlove , but i know i am inlove now , i have no question of that , i wish i could explain it but its something u can't explain , u just know it and know it through and through , so if any of you want to know if i am inlove and love someone the answer is YES , and her name is Laura......and i will declare it to the world if thats wot it takes..
posted by Chris . 9/20/2000 7:11:03 PM
Feeling:depressed , lonely , confused , unsure , sad ......... I miss how we use to be!
posted by Chris . 9/19/2000 7:13:46 PM
She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She say's she's ashamed
And can she take me for a while
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again
She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools that fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again
It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...
Guess I'll let it go
posted by Chris . 9/19/2000 7:06:58 PM
Look into my eye and tell me if i am lying?
posted by Chris . 9/18/2000 7:25:13 PM
DREAM:noun
vision , series of pictures or events , presented to sleeping persons.
i only have one dream , i would share it with everyone but i only want to share it with 1 person , today was a good day , i am scared , scared of one person , scared of emotions , scared of that dream never coming true , why would a 29 yr old man be scared???? , i want so much yet so little , i want to be held and for that person to finally then realize why it means so much to me , i am lonely , confused , i would give up a lifetime for 1 minute of my dream , and that i swear on my life.
posted by Chris . 9/18/2000 7:15:01 PM
I have caused a lot of hurt to someone i love beacause of my insecurities and my big mouth , i have spoken to people about my problems when i should of kept them to myself , i have caused pain and anger to a few people and have betrayed the trust of a few people , i have disowned friends from this , i have been gutless and not stuck up for the one i love when i should have , i have done a lot wrong over the last few months , and i have more than likely lost the one person i love more than life itself because of this , so i am asking u people to please not make the same mistakes i have , because believe me it hurts more than u know , so i am apologizing to Laura for all the pain i caused and the wild accusations caused by things i have said ,
posted by Chris . 9/17/2000 12:40:02 PM
another shit day , wake up speak to laura for a bit walk down to the car and guess wot ? some fucker has smashed my drivers window and stolen my cd player , 3 cds , my mobile phone and some other shit , lame fuckers , and you would think the day would get better huh , wrong wrong wrong , oh yuh a got a webcam ima moon the camera and put my ass up on here so u can all kiss it , *kiss*
posted by Chris . 9/14/2000 8:26:57 PM
i am litterally exhausted , i have had one of the hardest most trying weeks of my life , i lack motivation in life at the moment , i want more than my life can offer me , i know i can change things , but somethings can't be changed , i am tired , so damn tired . I just want to sleep , I need to be saved , but who's gonna save me?????? , goodnight
posted by Chris . 9/12/2000 9:50:25 PM
won 400$ but broke may habds in a fight =[ fuck life hehe o0o 5.30am too old for fightsands stasying up all night
posted by Chris . 9/10/2000 6:45:28 AM
Where to begin , as u have noticed i have broken up with Laura , the main reason is because i couldn't take the rumours going around about her , you all prolly are thinking i am a heartless cunt , well maybe i am , i know i should trust her over wot anyone says , and for a long time i did , but i have a breaking point and i guess it got to that.I know i should of handled things better but wots done is done. I have to now try to move on , I have hurt many people over this and brought people into it that i shouldn't of , i apologize to you all. I am thinking of leaving the net , i won't lie Laura was the main reason i switched on this puter everyday , I am going to have a drink , i really can't handle this , yeah one of my many faults , alcohol numbs the pain for a while , take care all
posted by Chris . 9/9/2000 5:54:54 PM
huh maybe i should , nawwww , i'm better than that ,
posted by Chris . 9/9/2000 2:11:38 AM
well wotcan i say , i left laura today , but seems she's happy , she's got warren and i honestly wish em both the best. can't be bothered getting nasty or anything , i'm to drunk and too tired , welcome to the fucked up world of Chris , bet u all wanna be me huh , if u did u need a bullet to the head ,
posted by Chris . 9/9/2000 2:06:37 AM
hmmm
posted by Chris . 9/6/2000 9:04:33 PM
i read Jess's site and she talks about a boy she was inlove with and how he just stopped contact with her 1 day and it makes me kinda sad , i know that the gurl i love has the power to do this to me and i think it would totally destroy me , we have had our ups and downs and this time i think we have gotten somewhere , things r great between us at the moment and i believe we will be together one day , i just want her , nothing more nothing less , thats it , 1 thing , 1 person , its all i need
posted by Chris . 9/2/2000 6:22:51 PM
fucken fake people shit me , i was surrounded by em tonight , so much so i spoke out , funny how when u tell someone the truth they get offended , i am so over people saying shit to make them selves seem better , #1 no one is better than anyone else , we r all different , #2 be ur fucken selves people dun give a fuck wot people think, have some god damn pride , so over clubs and bars , wanna settle down , someone gonna save me?????? hmm
posted by Chris . 9/2/2000 2:34:00 AM
well another week is over , god damn 2 weeks back from the snow already , i got 2 bourbons under my belt already and i'm going out to a kewl bar with the 3 guys i am moving out with , they want to all put in 100 a week and get a pad , some 4 bedroom 2 or 3 bathroom palace in a yuppie area , hmm sounds dangerous huh , lolol, but they r kewl guys , jarrod and the 2 that have just been to the states both about 6'4 thank god jarrods shorter than me , not guys u wanna fuck with either both know there boxing etc , all ex band members so the parties should be good , anyways we r off to the subiaco bar for a few quiet drinks heh , hmm maybe i should blog when i get home depending on the state i am in.
posted by Chris . 9/1/2000 8:49:29 PM
guess wot , yes i am tired again , i shoulda been in bed about hmm 12.30pm lololol , sorry personal joke , i have been the happiest i guess this week than i have in a long time , its the football grand final this weekend um same as the superbowl for u yanks , a time when the boys get together have a FEW drinks and watch it then being the idiots we r go out onto the rd and kick the footy around , i think i am getting to old for this , i go the gym everynight and my body is always hurting god damn it ,
posted by Chris . 8/31/2000 8:39:00 PM
*yawn* am tired , not much to say tonight , was a reasonable day , things went well ciao
posted by Chris . 8/30/2000 11:09:49 PM
i am sitting at my desk writing a letter to someone very dear to my heart , i have all these things i want to say about my feelings towards them but can't seem to put it down on paper , i want to be able to write somethingn that will show how much i love them and touch there heart , maybe bring a tear to there eye , but how do u say ur innermost feelings and truelly show them wot they mean?? i am hopeless with words , really i am , i see all these great writers who can write things that will blow a person away , i want that power , i only want it to use with one person ,lately a few people have told me through this site i have left my heart open , i have said things they feel or see in themselves , mad e them think , if i make u think negatively i am sorry , i write mostly about my relationship with Laura , and i have written a lot of bad things about it , but people i'd like to tell you there are a lot of great things about the relationship too , we are 2 very different people yet so much alike , we are stubborn , opinionated , caring , emotional , but we are also in love , theres this bond between us i can't explain, she has the power to make my day awesome or make it miserable , she can make me laugh or make me cry , So i would like to say a thankyou to her for putting up with my jealousy , my insecurities , and me in general. ok ima get back to this letter
posted by Chris . 8/29/2000 10:00:58 PM
hmm , signed into this ages ago and forgot about it heh , to tired now , time for bed ,ciao
posted by Chris . 8/28/2000 11:17:13 PM
todays not a good day , i am seriously thinking about getting help , jarrod says i need it cause of my nagativity and maybe him saying it enough to me is making me believe it , i think its depression maybe not manic as such but i am depressed , i guess it starts in the mornings when i look in the mirror and don't like wot i see , serious i hate mirrors we have lots in the house and i have worked out how to get around without seeing myself in 1 , heh , i believe think the worse and wotever happens can only be better that wot u expect , i hvae pretty much given up on my dreams for the future now and actually lack motivation to even continue this life at all , some people never have wot they want even if it is simple things that your everyday person takes for granted , i have come to accept my fate i guess , they say u shape ur own destiny , but wot happens when u truelly believe the worst , then i guess then nothing good is gonna happen because in a subconcious way ur not gonna let it happen , heh see how fucked up i am , sometimes i wish for a person to talk to that understands me , that understands why i say wot i do and why i do wot i do , 1 person , thats all , i am not complicated , atleast i don't think i am , i have been told i am but my wants are so simple , hmmmm , dunno , i need to get out of this house , its nearly 9pm , ima go for a drive to the hills they r about an hr away , theres a nice dam there i go to , to sit and think .........ciao for now
posted by Chris . 8/25/2000 9:48:07 PM
hmm , well i put some pics up of the trip in the links section , but a few don't seem to be working for me even after uploading them 3 or 4 times , well i can't be fucked doing it tonight , btw it takes a while to d/l so its prolly not even worth looking at , just click on pics of the trip in the links part.......not much else to comment on tonight cept for i'm tired and its time for sleep....ciao
posted by Chris . 8/23/2000 10:36:41 PM