Monday, September 17, 2001

so i guess it's kinda cool that they're moving friends to fox (can you believe it? one more week til we get to find out who the daddy is!), cause i get that station better..

can't wait til i'm boycotting television again.. i need to have a child fast..

but i found the cutest picture of brin in the whole wide world, but since i'm on stupid webtv, i don't know the entire link, so go here (i think) and then read all about brindle, and then go to the drop-menu and click on the first picture (well, they're all of him, but i didn't open most, and i know the first one is just so adorable..) and yep, that's my lover..
posted by rachelle . 6:27 PM

tori's album comes out tomorrow!!! okay, i'm not as excited as that prolly sounds.. and don't get me wrong, she's still my fave if ever anybody ask, but i usta listen to her stuff like 24/7, always had a different of her cds in each of my players, and tried to collect as many bootlegs and singles as i could, and just a really rabid fan..
but lately it's been "oh, yeah, i love tori" but i haven't been listening to her much, and i've been meaning to listen to choirgirl for weeks now and still haven't..
and plus i'm not sure about this new album, cause it's all cover songs, and maybe i'm too conservative, but alot of times i just don't like covers.. although she did do a couple good ones that i liked, but i wasn't too keen on most of the ones she did on my bootleg cd (or maybe it was just that she sounded sucky cause it was infact a bootleg..), so yeah, i'm'a get this cd, definitely, but i'm not sure if i'll have the most open mind for it right now..

but in other words, the doctor appointment went really well, and hopefully i'm on the road to my recovery.. and it was even funny when i had to get the blood taken, cause i'm so scared of needles (and i know it sounds incredibly selfish, but i will NOT give blood.. i mean, i can't, cause i don't weigh enough anyways, but i will not, i cannot handle it mentally, and just the thought makes my fuct up mind spin..), so like the chick was all "you'll feel a pinch" which i did, and it wasn't too bad, so then i looked over to see if she was done, cause it had been about half a minute, and no, she was still going, and that freaked me out seeing the syringe fill up with my blood.. but then she was done and i was waiting for more, cause he said he was checking for three different things, and i'm like "that's it?" yep!!
so then i was like "wow, maybe i could donate blood" but then my reality light came on..
(sorry to chely and everyone else who takes offense.. i would if i could..

ps. did i mention i hate packing?
posted by rachelle . 4:14 PM

OH, i feel so bad.. i wrote a really bizzare email for my RTA mailing list, and well, it got sent to a bunch of people that weren't supposed to be on it, which is fine, they don't know me,i don't know them.. but also, some of the girls who should've received it just didn't, and well, i was talking about all the diff doctors i hafta see this week, including the cunt one, and someone just fixed the whole 'proper email addresses' thing and wrote "okay, use THIS list to talk all you want about old men touching your vagina" and this one poor girl that got left out of the beginning of the whole topic just wrote back "ewewww" and is just totally confused..
oh, well.. i'm sure they'll be glad when i'm done RTA'ing..
but what else? i rea-- oh, yeah, and i found this letter this one girl wrote to me over a year ago and i never did send a reply, but i did just send an email out earlier this week and she just wrote me back and is very sweet.. :)
anyways, i've really got to start packing.. i finally told my landlords, i dunno how that went.. i'm not really dwelling on it.. i've got enough stuff to put me down; why worry about another?
posted by rachelle . 7:47 AM

Sunday, September 16, 2001

wow, so today was a VERY good day.. :) well, work sucked and my whole crush on gerald is just about over; although i did ask him to marry me and even though he turned me down, i am not easily discouraged..
but yeah, he's a pain and i can't wait til i don't hafta work sunday brunches here and i told the manager to send me postcards to let me know how they're doing without my guidance..
but yeah, after work it rocked cause dana came over for a couple hours and we just cuddled and talked and it was really sweet.. i miss him so much, which is kinda, i dunno, not ironic, but we live like ten minutes away and i've dated people that lived much further away that i saw more often..
but again, i am very much not discouraged (incredibly insecure at times, but not discouraged..)
and aww, 'tori's being a sweetie right now and cuddling up next to me..
well, not anymore..
but yeah, so he came over and that was of course the best part of the day, but instead of being depressed whenever we said g'bye like i usually feel, i got in this weird, hyper-artsy mood, so i had a mighty ducks marathon and did this series of three watercolors paintings i've been planning for almost a month.. they turned out mostly kinda cool.. i just gotta learn how to matte 'em now.. and then i did a drawing that's too huge for me to scan and show you, but it's just of a pot with this dead plant in it, but the tablecloth's a cool blue/purple blend, and the background looks like a tim burton movie, y'know, black&white checks.. i got to use my charcoals, which made me very happy.. :)
but yeah, tomorrow i have to get some bloodwork done and *hopefully* put on antidepressants..so wish me luck, cause who even knows if i'll find the right type for me on the first shot? and i'm kinda scared, cause i want to feel better so much that what if i convince myself that i'm fine til i slip so far away that i can't come back? cause today and a couple other times this week at work i've felt as though i couldn't even handle working at eat 'n park, and yeah, everyone gets stressed, but to the point where i was gonna ask to go home.. and i don't wanna be that far gone; it's already hard enough to admit that i can't trust myself to live alone right now.. i don't wanna hafta be totally dependant upon others for work and such as well.. =P

so yeah, and now i think it's like midnight or something (okay, only like 9.30, but anytime after 8 feels like midnight..), so i'm'a gather up the cats and hit the sack..

g'night, ya'll.. :)
*muah*
posted by rachelle . 9:37 PM

Saturday, September 15, 2001

ps again. it JUST hit me that tori's latest cd has been out since tuesday or wednesday and i have yet to purchase it (i believe it came out the 12th, but it might not be til this tuesday the 18th..).. and i call myself a toriphile.. slacking!!
posted by rachelle . 11:16 PM

er, that link is this instead (hey, for memorizing that long a url gimme credit that i only added an extra 's' *g*)
posted by rachelle . 11:01 PM

i JUST got in and i'm out of breath and about to hit the sack (and i don't know why they say walking helps depression cause all it does for me is depress me that i'm so outta shape..), but i hung out with cory tonight.. we didn't really do much, just rode a bunch of busses (okay, i rode a bunch of busses total, he only rode two with me..) and then hung out and talked and it was just really fun.. :)))))

but y'know, i really should've got stitches from that time i got my thumb stuck in the vacuum, cause that was LAST SATURDAY and it's still not scarred up and starts to bleed whenever i take the bandage off for air.. darn darn darn.. and y'know, i said i was gonna hurt myself to get my money's worth out of my insurance.. well there's your sign, rachiegurl..

=P

but keeker-bean's giving me a "please go to sleep" look, even though we both know that once i go to bed 'tori's gonna keep her up for about half an hour or so..

or not, i found a jangle ball and he chased it down the steps.. :)

'kay, g'night.. hey, everyone should show me some lovin' by leaving me a message in my guestbook.. :) c'mon, everyone knows s/he wants to (you can even use a fake name; i'll figure it out if you wanna be anonymous.. show me the love!!)
posted by rachelle . 11:00 PM

Friday, September 14, 2001

ooh, self-control, i'm so proud.. anyways, the domain i wanna purchase whenever i've got regular access to a *shrudder* pc or *drool* mac IS indeed available (and a secret, cause, well, y'know how people are..), so yeah, i *really* wish i had a computer..

in other words, this whole having to take a walk everyday isn't helping.. i mean, it's suppose to keep me from being depressed, i guess, which is true, i haven't cried since i took the walk today.. and it's also suppose to help i guess keep me in shape, but umm, NOT.. i'm so fucking outta shape and dumb..

and it really hurts when i call myself names, but i can't NOT, y'know?
posted by rachelle . 8:25 PM

ps. ricarda brought me in pictures she took of all of us at work one day, so as soon as i get to a scanner (hey, umm, dana, whatever happened to those pictures you 'borrowed' from me to scan?) yinz'll all get to see my peeps from eat 'n park.. hmm, maybe i'll scan the one of me and my girls from my old eat 'n park too.. but yeah, so cool.. :)
posted by rachelle . 7:50 PM

WOW! my one manager is so cool i've got tears.. like, she's the one that hired me and everything, and she runs the restaurant really well, so i've always had this sort of fear/respect for her.. anyways, she always seems to be concerned about me, so i told her about what all's been going on in my life right now, and anyways, later on this evening she actually called me from work and was like "are you okay? i've been worrying about you all day?" and asked if i needed her to come and sing or something ridiculous like that.. and i mean, she's my boss, but i'm really touched..
posted by rachelle . 7:47 PM

Thursday, September 13, 2001

all i've got to say is "thank GOD for chely".. i was feeling kinda down this evening to begin with, and then, i dunno, i talked to dana and that was happy, but i got REALLY messed up too while we were talking and ended the conversation with "i'd better go, i'm crying alot" and then TOTALLY lost it, crying worse than anything and it even hurt to breathe and called chely, cause everyone's like "you can call me.. call me if you're gonna hurt yourself" but the only ones i feel like i truly can are cory and chely, and cory was at work and i'd already called him there once today and plus i didn't think i could speak in any type of sentence to even ask for him.. so i called chely and left her a message (which, LoL, she was like "who is this?" at first, i'm proud she was able to figure out it was me) and somehow i ended up on my bathroom floor.. i think i banged my head against the bathtub (i know i banged it against the wall in my living room and it made a horrible sound) and i really was gonna cut my wrists.. i know, i know, i've always said that if i was gonna kill myself it would be either suffocation or getting real drunk and then going for a drive, but i just lost touch with everything and couldn't take it.. and i still can't take it, take this feeling of loneliness, feeling that it doesn't even matter if i'm around (and, y'know, the thing is, it DOESN'T.. i mean, if i don't tell anyone i'm gonna kill myself, they'll all just think i'm too busy with work to email or call..) and i just--
i just tried to pull myself up from the floor to my blades.. and i saw it all, saw myself lying there, slouched up against the bathtub with most of my body slumpt over, but one arm in the sink..
and right while i was trying to pick myself up off the floor michelle called me..
although it's funny, cause as she was talking to me, trying to calm me down and all, and she had to go to the bathroom so she gave jaimie the phone and was like "don't let her hang up, do NOT let her hang up" and jaimie's all oblivious, like "omg, i found the PERFECT dress for homecoming."
but anyways, so i feel better now, and really wiped out and tired, but my head only hurts a little bit.. am i getting better?
g'night..
posted by rachelle . 9:21 PM

i wrote some stuff on the bus into town today..and btw, i found an express that only took like half an hour, damn.. :)

i ride the bus
just to catch a glimpse
you might be out
in your yard.

i walk thru town
near where you learn
haven't seen you yet
but oh, so close

what would i do?
oh, to see you
to see your face
and the way you walk
oh, to see you

do you ever hope
i might walk by?
do you even know
who i am?

if i said hello
would it matter
would you wave back
or walk on by?

what would i do?
oh, to see you
to see your face
and the way you walk
oh, to see you.

to see you but never hold you
tell me is this what love's about?

i ride the bus
to catch a gimpse
you just might be
out in your yard.
--sept 13th, 3.58pm
===a short story===
The ringing of her telephone brought Ramona abruptly out of a light nap. She rubbed her eyes and stumbled down the hall.
Unknown,it appeared on the caller ID. Probly a phone soliciter, Ramona yawned as she ignored the ringing and plopped back down on her bed.
Not two minutes later, the phone began to ring again.
Maybe it's Lorna using a phone card, Ramona thought.
"Hello?" she answered.
Silence, and then "hello?"
"Hello?!" she repeated agitated.
"Is this Sam's Smooth Cut?" a male voice inquired.
"Nope, sorry," Ramona replied.
"You mean I dialed the wrong number?"
"I'm not a haircut place," she said apologetically.
"Do you cut hair?" he asked.
"No," she answered shyly. She loved cutting hair.
"Too early to decide a career, ten, huh?"
"Yeah." Her secret dream was to own a hair salon.
"Well sorry to bother you," he apologized kindly. "Have a good day."
Hanging up the phone, Ramona wanted to kick herself. Why hadn't she told the man "Yes! I love cutting hair." Heck, maybe he'd've even let her cut his.
Maybe I'll call him back, Ramona thought, lifting the receiver.
Then she looked down at the caller ID, ready to dial the number of the last caller.
Unknown, it flashed on the caller ID.
--september 13th, 3.51pm
posted by rachelle . 6:28 PM

Wednesday, September 12, 2001

i'm such a horrible person.. seriously, it's not my m-d acting up, i'm just a really terrible person that should be executed..
like, okay.. i'm so unemotional about the attacks and stuff.. like, i mean, it's sad, but i'm so apathetic that it's sick..why? like, why can't i feel sad or care more about it? was i born without that emotion? and they're all "you should give blood" and, well, i don't know if i even weigh enough to give blood, but even if i could, i just CAN'T.. like i mentally cannot do that.. and i feel bad about that, cause like, i don't need it.. i mean, i wanna cut myself open just to see how much i bleed, so obviously i don't need blood that much..but i just, i cannot handle the thought of that..
how did i get to be so selfish? it's really sick, cause there're all these people dying and hurting in the us right now, and i just don't consider myself a part of society so much that it's disturbing..*sigh*
and why do i get like this? i mean, cause i've been sick for so long, and, well, now i'm suppose to leave to see the social worker in like 4min, but i don't want to go anymore.. am i really fuct up that i don't want to get better? GOD, i really exhaust myself sometimes..
posted by rachelle . 9:23 AM

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

i hate fucking webtv.. does anybody want a FREE webtv???? it's not really as bad except that it IS..

anyways, gist of what i fucking tried to type up and post earlier:

-wonder if it's really even terroristic, what if it's some sick sociopaths trying to cause a riot?
-i'm moving in with my parents til i get better
-i meet with a social worker tomorrow that'll hopefully refer me to a psychiatrist..
-i wanna go to pegs tonight but tammy's standing me up and i don't feel like going alone..

and did i mention that i hate fucking webtv?
posted by rachelle . 9:55 PM

so how about those terrorist attacks? do you even think they're terroristic? what if it's really just a bunch of psychos that planned to do this, like, americans or internet people? i dunno what to think.. and i feel really guilty cause i'm depressed and crazy and all "my life sucks" when there are real people out there with problems, y'know? *sigh*
but maybe it'll just be something that blows over in 48 hours..i guess we'll find out..

so in other news, i'm moving back with my parents.. it's not a good thing, it's just so that i can concentrate on therapy and getting better and not hafta worry about working mad hours to make ends meet.. but mostly cause i just don't trust myself to be alone, y'know, wanting and planning on how to die and all.. so yeah, wish me luck.. my major goals are to hopefully be well enough to trust myself to live alone by january (or with laurie..i haven't heard from her in like a month, i dunno what's up..), and i'd really like to be well enough to go to school by next fall semester.. we'll see about that, though, cause that's REALLY hard for me to handle in this state..

and i'm actually feeling good enough that i *want* to go out dancing tonight, and that's really good, cause i haven't felt like that for a month or more, but i think tammy's standing me up, dammit..
posted by rachelle . 9:50 PM