about 4 more days until brian comes home and u know what?? I could care less! aren't u proud of me?! I know I am! I was just thinkin' about it this morning...thinkin' about how i REALLY feel...and I really wouldn't care if we talked after he got back. I've finally come to grips with the fact that he was the one who fucked up...not me. I shouldn't degrade myslef by going after someone that hurt me time after time after time... what person should? So I'm finally taking down all the pictures (which is usually the last step for me when my relationships end)... finally...
posted by manapua princess at 12:58 AM

just another lonely day in my life. this morning, I downloaded Devotion's CD (i just luv napster!) Now, I've been wanting this CD for a while now, but no one seemed to ever have all the songs. Luckily today I found someone that had all of 'em...with a really great connection! So anyhoo...the CD...it's great. Finally a guy group that has a mainly slow jam kinda CD. Unfortunately, I've been listening to it all day long...and I've gotten quite...well, sad. I don't know what I do this to myself. I mean, I know that if I listen to these kine songs that I'm just gonna get all da kine...but I can't help myself.

There's two songs in particular that I keep listening to over and over..."You're Not Alone" and "Girl It's You." I've heard "Girl It's You" before a billion times...but "You're Not Alone" is just so...*sighz* It's about this guy...first he's talking about this girl that's just perfect for him, but it turns out that he's just dreaming. So then the rest of the song is about him talking to God to keep this girl...whoever she may be in the future...to keep her safe for him until they are finally brought together. I hope that made sense (I'm half asleep right now). Now isn't that just the sweetest thing? Now I guess u have to hear the song to really get the vibe of it. It just gets me thinking ya know... my guy's gotta be out there somewhere...and we're just waiting for the right time.

*sigh* I wish I didn't think about falling in love so much. I mean, I love the fact that I daydream...but daydreaming just hurts me more cuz I know that things will never happen the way I wish for them to. The reason I think so much about it is because I'm just so alone in this world...I mean, yeah, I have friends... but no one like what Brian was to me. He understood me completely... he was there for me ever single time I turned to him (until the end of course). And I just trusted him... I don't trust anyone else... not that much.

Ever since I was little, I've felt like I was alone... and especially when my parents started having problems. *sighz* After that, I've kept so much to myself... and it's hard to break old habbits. I felt so betrayed that I didn't want to become close with anyone ever again. But then there was Carey...and then Brian. I think those two were the only ones who I shared EVERYTHING with...and then what happened? Both broke my heart severely. But I know now that it had to be done... they had their reason and I've got to respect that.

But the feelings I had when I was with either of them was just so incredible. Finally I felt like I had some reason to wake up each morning...and I need that. I need someone to need me just as much as I need them. Someone that can tell how I feel by just looking in my eyes. Someone that'll just hold me when I don't feel good and not ask questions. Someone who makes my tummy feel all tingly when they walk into the room.

Aye sos...thinking about all this stuff...especially while listening to the music...makes me all...sad. I get a lot of critism from people...all saying that relationships aren't all that and that I should just move on with my life...blah blah blah. I guess I understand where they're coming from...but the deal is that when I'm in a relationship, I take it seriously from the very begining. I make the extra effort to make the other person feel like they're the most important person to walk the planet. I don't throw the words "I love you" around like it's some catch phrase... when I finally tell someone those 3 words, I mean it with all my heart...and I never take it back.

Yeah....I'm a fool...
posted by manapua princess at 7:06 PM

8 more days *worried looks* 8 more days until Brian comes back from the Philippines and I'm still unsure about what I'm gonna do. The last I talked to him was right before he was supposed to leave for the airport...and we left things up in the air. If u have no idea what I'm talking about, here's the deal: i'm supposed to use this time to figure out whether I should keep holding on to something I know could be so right...or if I should just finally let go of something I never had. Seems like and easy decision huh? Well...if you're anything like me, it's definately not. I guess the only reason I keep holding on is because I feel like I'm being punished for something I didn't do. Does that make any sense at all?? *sigh*

Now, I know that I'm still considdered to be young...but my biggest fear...okay, maybe not my BIGGEST fear, but one of my biggest fears is to end up alone. Now one of my closest friends gave me this spiel on how I'm not gonna end up alone for the rest of my life and how I have to wait for the right person to come along...blah blah blah. Now I know she meant well...but she's my friend. Isn't she supposed to say things like that?

I had an interesting chat with someone in HCU the other night about physical appearances. He was saying something about how everyone thinks that physical appearance is important...it's whether or not they want to admit it that's the issue. And when you think about it...he's got a point. Even me...when I think about people that would interest me, physical appearance is a pretty big deal...and I'm in no position to judge that. With that said...u really think I'm gonna find anyone? *wrinkle*

Then again, I also think that I have very high standards when it comes to dating. I want a guy (or girl) who's attractive...not necessarily extremely attractive---just not repulsive...with a good mind-set of what he/she wants to do with his/her life...is working and/or going to school...has their own vehicle of some sort...has strong family values...has a great sense of humor...someone definately taller than I am LOL...is ROMANTIC...has the same interests as me...can have intellectual conversations...and has the same sexual appitite as me LMAO. Now I could go on and on with other requirements...but I feel that I deserve that. Especially after everything that I've gone through with my life in general. But I'm sure that the person doesn't deserve to downgrade themselves by being with me...

Okay...well, other than that, this break from talking to Brian has been a bit helpful. I mean...It's just a lot easier to do what I need to as far as everyday life goes. Sure I miss him a whole lot...but I'm sure it's nothing that time can't mend right? There are countless people e-mailing me with advice or some sort of comforting words (you guys are the greatest by the way)... so that makes me think. Maybe spending the rest of my life alone isn't such a bad thing?? *shaking my head furiously* nah...fuck that...

I guess I just feel like my time is running out. I always thought that I'd be married by the time I'm 25-26. And I mean, it takes a while to get into that kinda relationship...I mean, I wanna be with a guy for 3-4 years before I get married. U know what I mean?? And getting married at 28 is really pushing it...I don't want to be 30 when I have my first kid! I wanna be able to still be alive when my son/daughter graduates...or even gets married (I was told that I'm supposed to die at a young age). So here I am... 4 months until I turn 20... and time isn't slowing down any.

Wow, I completely got of the subject...I think?? Okay...so do I keep talking to him once he comes back? or do I just let things be? *sighz* I'm back where I started. There's this song by Hoku called "Nothing In This World"...now I'm not a big Hoku fan, but her CD isn't that bad...but this song is exactly how I feel right now. exactly how I've been feeling. check it out...
posted by manapua princess at 2:40 PM

Okay...I thought that this would be way easier for my diary entries than what I've been doing in the past. Making seperate pages for each entry was just getting so irraz already!

Anyhoo...well, this past week has been pretty interesting (in a good way). First of all, I got yet another job...and was interviewed and hired on the spot again! I didn't think it was so easy! LOL It's a retail job at Lane Bryant...yay! More new clothes!! hehe Then yesterday I was able to get 5th row tickets to the Boyz II Men concert that's comin' here on Dec.1. The tickets were meant for my mom and her friends, but I persuaded her into letting me and Chanelle have 'em. I wasn't really interested in going in the first place cuz I've seen Boyz II Men every single time they've come here...but Shaggy's gonna be there, and I've been wanting to see him perform. Oh, and also Debelah Morgan...that girl can sing!!! *jealous glare* hehe...Mya and Pink are gonna be there too *smile*

Let's see...what else?? Oh yeah! Last night, we all went to go watch Charlie's Angels *faint* hehe...that movie is SOLID!!! I knew it was gonna be good...but I didn't know how good! I'm planning on seeing it at least 2 more times LOL Those girls are just so...*lick* wow! So if u haven't seen it yet...u should definately go!

Okay, I think that's all I really have to say for now...bi-bi!
posted by manapua princess at 11:46 AM