Still Life with Woodpecker Tom Robbins Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Robert Louis Stevenson Roberts vs. Texaco Bari-Ellen Roberts Cosmos Carl Sagan High Fidelity Nick Hornby Being There Jerzy Kosinski How to Survive in the Real World: Financial Independence for the Recent Graduate
James Lowell The Life and Science of Richard Feynmann
James Gleick Faster
James Gleick Nueromancer
William Gibson The First 20 Million is Always the Hardest
Po Bronson
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Listening:
Library sounds.
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Watching:
Groove
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Serotonin Check:
:(
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Eating:
Cheerios
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Quote:
Discontent is the first step toward progress.
9.18.2001
Ugh. Feeling shitty. I came home yesterday to find out that my roommate had puked in the toilet and clogged it up, only I didn't know this so I went in it and found that I couldn't flush, and well you can imagine how pissed off I was. I don't know how to plunge a fucking toilet.
Yeah, but I just feel shitty because I'm anxious about going to LA , etc. If my parents don't pay for my room and board I will end up spending almost all of my earnings from this summer out there. Fucking ridiculous. And I better get a fucking paid internship, or it may not really be worth it. I went to an informational meeting today and they were so full of promises, it sounded like a dream, but sometimes I wonder how much PR I was hearing. Even though I don't like taking risks, I guess I have a way of succeeding even when I jump in headfirst. What else is there? I had the most fucked up conversation with my parents Sunday night. I said my car was stalling and Dad said "Oh really!" in a shocked, concerned voice and then immediately said in the flattest voice imaginable, "That's not a problem" as if commanding me to never bring that up again. What a fucking dick. So yeah, I guess if I have to blow most of my summer earnings on L.A., that is nothing compared to staying home and putting up with that shit.
Found out Raytheon's stock price jumped yesterday in the wake of anticipated spending in defense. I wish I was still there, yet I know I need this stupid degree. I wish people would take you more on the value of your character, not some shitty piece of paper that says you went through some sort of "educational program."
2:20:35 PM
9.16.2001
I tried to post my reactions before but I wasn't able to get through. I think everybody was posting at the same time.
I am still depressed, as I'm sure many people are. I found out about the crash right before my 11 a.m. class, later than most other people. I was working on my resume in the career room and I heard some people talking in really serious voices and saying weird things, but I thought maybe I was mistaken or it was just none of my business. So I didn't say anything until it became too hard to ignore, and then I asked the student worker on duty what was happening, and she told me. So then I went to the TV lounges and Emerson Suites, where they were showing the coverage on TV, and people were absolutely silent, and a few were crying. A lot of people here have friends and relatives who work in Manhattan. And then I saw him, and it was over, completely over, and I started crying. I felt selfish because I wasn't entirely crying about the news, but no one knew that, so I cried openly, I was crying because I'd completely lost some one, and I really knew it, only he wasn't dead, he was sitting in front of me being intimately comforted by another girl.
I didn't realize how much I had been expecting to see him, how the default setting on my brain is still him, and for the past three years how much I've just been waiting for him to come back. There's something about death that at least you can understand it's finality, but I can't understand a person leaving out of choice and not looking back. And I know there is a big, big, problem, because I found out about this tragedy from a stranger, no one called me to see if I was alright, not even my parents (of course), no one wanted to know my reaction, no one needed me to rub their back and hold their hand. Either everyone I've ever known has too much pride or there is something wrong with my ability (or lack of) to make a real relationship.
I don't want to make my petty, stupid, brain and boy problems sound worse than what is going on, because that's not true. I just watch people not care about me, and I think if I had died in that, no one would have cared. I seem to be stuck at the point where I know there's a problem, but I can't figure out a goddamn thing to do about it. How the hell do I make friends? What in the world am I doing wrong? It's in these times where people are reaching out to others that I feel strangely immune, I have this whacko protection from terrorist attacks because they can't harm me because I have no emotional attachments to anyone.
I guess I don't know how to not sound selfish. I'm sorry if this post offends anyone. I don't mean to be insensitive or preoccupied with my own problems in the wake of this horrible thing, but even though it may be hard to lose the person you love, at least you know you have the capacity for loving in general. That is more than most people.
2:05:25 PM
9.11.2001
Yesterday was the second time that someone I respected used the word "crazy" to describe my plans to go out to LA last semester. I'm really disgusted with that. Even if I thought someone's plans were crazy, I can't imagine saying it to their face unless they were really irritating me and wouldn't shut up about it. The girl that said this to me yesterday was the one who asked me to live with her last year, and then I bailed to be an RA and you know the story from there. I think I did the right thing, even though I find myself liking the girl. She's like, scared to be my friend because I guess she thinks I'm unpredictable. I think she was just testing the waters yesterday to see if I had "come to my senses yet" so that she could not be embarrassed about wanting to be friends with me. I find that incredibly ridiculous.
9:58:12 AM
9.7.2001
OK, I'm on my ghetto Juno internet connection and I was typing out an email to Dave and I'm not sure if I sent it or not...the screen just went back to the original. OK, so maybe I sent this kid this half-finished email. Whatever. He'll think I have that weird virus or whatever.
OK, so I guess I was going to find a party tonight with Devon, yay. Why can't I fucking do anything? Whatever. Feel like a loser and I've been waiting for my period for like, forever. God.
6:12:22 PM
9.5.2001
Now that I'm back at school, I actually have time to read again. Check out the new reads posted to the left. You know, know that I've actually had a really absorbing job, school is so dull and boring, time-wise. In fact, I think the reason why most kids get in trouble and drink too much is because, outside of class, there isn't really much to do. (Now watch me complain next week that I have too much to do.) Classes only take up about three hours a day, but for the most part they are unabsorbing and there's just so much time to mess around and talk gets cheaper by the minute.
I couldn't believe it. Found my bottom right wisdom tooth is growing in last night. That makes two of them. Mom was right! (But I'm sure not telling her.) If she knows so much about teeth, why didn't she get them out of my mouth when they were supposed to come out, like four years ago?
1:26:35 PM
The first article on the blogger homepage is so dead on. Blogger is freedom of speech, squared. Blogger has been one of the best things in my life for the past year. Even though it ate my entire blog once and I can barely get it to publish, I would never forbid anyone to have a blog. I just won't read it if you're an idiot.
1:19:45 PM
9.4.2001
Went to Syracuse yesterday to the Carousel Mall and tried to be patient while my roommate bought everything under the sun. I mean, I wouldn't care, if it isn't for the fact that she couldn't make her first rent payment. I just felt so self-destructive, taking her to Carousel knowing she's spending every last penny she owns on stupid shit and then I could have to pay her share of the rent. I told my mom an abridged version of this so she wouldn't think I was rooming with total idiots, and she said that Devon would probably do this regardless of whether or not I took her to the mall. I think she's right.
I just cannot get over why all the people I hang out with are ALWAYS poor white trash. I'm here at one of the wealthiest schools in upstate NY and they are all fucking whacked-out poor girls. Nobody can cover their ass here. If they can, it's because Mommy and Daddy stuff their wallets. I can't understand why all my friends are whack-nuts, don't talk any sense because they don't have any money. Like, her rationale for buying $75 Steve Madden boots yesterday was so she could kick people. She seriously said this to me. They other day she said she wanted ask her parents for money so she could fly to England one weekend and get the original Doc Martens becuase they are cheaper in England. I tried to explain to her that the cost of flying to England and staying over night in a hotel would outweight the cheaper price of the boots, but she just wouldn't listen. WHY AM I ALWAYS STUCK WITH THE GODDAMN WHACKO WHITE TRASH?
11:55:27 AM
8.30.2001
My roomate through a stupid party last night, argh. I hope to god those guys are gone by the time I get back. The party would have been alright if it was on a weekend. Oh god I hope this doesn't become the norm.
There was one guy there who i couldn't believe I was "Hanging out" with because he passes himself off as just so cool, he's so fucking arrogant it was so dumb. He's the assistant music director of ICB and he just thinks he was the shit last night. Unbelievably, he didn't treat me badly, until around 1:00 a.m. when I started cleaning up the beer bottles a bit and he was all like "Why are you cleaning?" in a really mean voice. I think he took offense, like I was giving him the hint to leave, which I was. I totally didn't care. It was such a lame party, but I drank enough to have fun, and luckily no one was *too* belligerent. But i sure hope they are gone and they locked the door behind them, etc. So stupid.
Yeah, the assistant music director of one of the top college radio stations in the country didn't even know who Sigur Ros was. How sad. If I hadn't been drunk last night, I don't think I could have dealt with it.
2:06:18 PM
My roomate through a stupid party last night, argh. I hope to god those guys are gone by the time I get back. The party would have been alright if it was on a weekend. Oh god I hope this doesn't become the norm.
There was one guy there who i couldn't believe I was "Hanging out" with because he passes himself off as just so cool, he's so fucking arrogant it was so dumb. He's the assistant music director of ICB and he just thinks he was the shit last night. Unbelievably, he didn't treat me badly, until around 1:00 a.m. when I started cleaning up the beer bottles a bit and he was all like "Why are you cleaning?" in a really mean voice. I think he took offense, like I was giving him the hint to leave, which I was. I totally didn't care. It was such a lame party, but I drank enough to have fun, and luckily no one was *too* belligerent. But i sure hope they are gone and they locked the door behind them, etc. So stupid.
Yeah, the assistant music director of one of the top college radio stations in the country didn't even know who Sigur Ros was. How sad. If I hadn't been drunk last night, I don't think I could have dealt with it.
