Thursday, October 26, 2000

Can you believe it's already october? Where the fuck have I been? the latest news is that I am obsessed with sex. I think about it all the time. Now, it's not like I'm even horny or anything,just that i am constantly thinking about sex. I think about teenage boys and how they have hard ons all the time and they just look around the world at all the girls, girls, girls. And I think about how Tomorrow was fucking three other girls when i met him. And I think about my latest crush, a construction worker painter from the beach, a young yummy boy who is such a MAN, but his cock is almost definitely smaller than Tomorrow's and that takes away a lot of the appeal. Now I have to admit, I think about penis size. It makes a difference to me. Small penised boys just aren't as sexy. What can you do?
This construction worker boy, he is so lovely and he wants me, and I am loving it. Of course, I have a boyfriend, and I am not about to screw up our happy monogamy, but I have to admit to thinking, "Oh, isn't there anyway I could just fuck him?" now, This is naughty, and in a weird way, very painful, because i think i'd have to throw things if I thought Tomorrow was feeling that way about anyone. The whole thing is just fucking ridiculous. By which I mean, I can't think about it too much because it will just drive me crazy and anyway, everyone is constantly trying to make peace with themselves, but let's just let it go for now, huh? Everything doesn't just get neatly wrapped up all the time, there are errors and inconsistencies and hypocrisies, but it doens't mean we have to jump to any conclusions. Talking to Tomorrow about it and he says, "My ex[pectation is just that you are never going to hurt me." I say, "That's retarded! That's not true! remember Moon?" And he says, "Reality has nothing to do with it. That's just how I feel." And it makes me feel loved and cautious all at the same time.

Okay,okay I know it's been ages, well that's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes. What was I going to talk about? Well, we had a visitor and I swear, life was horrible for two weeks. I was going to kill him. I am not necessarily an inherently nice person and it's just true: sometimes I meet people and I end up hating them and it's not their fault or anything but the sight of them makes me sick and I just want to smack them in their big stupid vacant faces. Now, I don't know what's wrong with me, that I sometimes want to be mean to people who haven't really done anything to me, just that I find them annoying, but trust me, it doesn't go over too well with the boyfriend, who is like, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Deal!" but now he's gone and we've made up and everything is roses, la la la.

In other news, talked to our friend again, I think, honestly, for the first time since the incident last summer, (august.html, if you are interested, but it's depressing as fuck, I warn you), I'd been e-mailing her, but no phone or in person contact, and always I have doubts about how I'm doing everything, if everything's going to be okay, and he trips me out in a nice way about how he is more open with me than I am with him, which is true, but I'd burn in hell before I'd trust him with my secrets, the way he is right now, I'm tired and I think I know all the answers, everything he'd say, and I'm even looking for someone to talk to, someone who would say different things than he does, and consequently, let me say different things.

I'd like it if that someone was him.

I am crazy about him, after all.

But scared in the fighting that I was losing it, and once it's lost I won't give a shit, but this time, I want to be enough on top of things to not start something new before I finish the old business.

Maybe we'll be able to do it. Wish me luck.

So i come here when I can't deal, whenall my resolutions are shit, and I can't work and I can't play and all I can do is hope for inspiration. I don't know what the fuck I am talking about.Eveyone has a style and I AM NOT EVEN A FUCKING WRITER so why am I wasting my time with all this shit. Because I have lost it. I only had it fro a very short time and now I've lost it. Oh shit I'm fucking tired as fuck.

I am working for this stupid asshole( this is the pr job), it's beyond belief, how can someone send me, with a straight face a list containing the "Metropolitan Museum of Art" and ask me how I would pitch his work to them? It's like, "hello? Have you ever even been to NY? Or done any work with corporations?" I don't know, things like this amaze me.

Now kids, you know and I know that I should not work under these conditions, but here I am, under these conditions. Soooo how do I deal with them?

news: 1) I've killed the archives, because they felt like dead weight, but if you are smart, you ought to be able to find them (hint:july00.html, duh)

Now I get jealous because Spit seems so sucessful to me, but then I remember how pathetic his life is and feel better. Ha haha! All you have to do is remember that tons of people are jealous of you and think you have it together, but it's all bullshit, because after all, all you can do is feel what it's like to be in your own skin, and if the everyday living of life sucks, well then, it's up to you to change your outlook or something. NOW, if you are me, then you have only been happy when there was a new exciting boy, ha! well, let's hope that's not true, but this is the journal, so let's try to be as honest as possible: yeas, it is true. Nooooo really? Umm...well, let's see...I liked working at that coffee shop okay, ummmm, choreographing, painting, these are some things that felt good, sooooo: basically boys, or loud approval from a crowd, that's about it. Ha! I bet that's true for lots of people, and what that means is you have to surround yourself with syncophants (hello? Is that even a word? Well, I know it's at least spelled wrong...) or get a new boy every six months or so. Well, I launched my website, and lots of people said nice things about it, BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH! Nothing short of constant praise and an award from ID magazine will do! God, I just heard the most pathetic thing: this computer geek, WITH A SOUTHERN ACCENT TO TOP IT ALL OFF, hitting on some girl calling for help with her e-mail. And just now he's all, "Wish me luck, man, I'm heading to Vegas. Then afterwards I'm going to Houston to meet up with my old fraternity brothers." Now okay, maybe my life sucks, but it can't be as stupid as that. But then again, who am I to say? Maybe he loves his life and goes to bed ultimately fullfilled every night, instead of pissed and depressed. hahahaha!

MOVING ON...I'm working at a new coffee shop now. This is what happens, kids, when you take Talking Heads songs too seriously, "Always for love, never for money!" because it's all about free web design in Chicken land over here. That's right! if you have something amazing and you need tireless work for FREE, call me up kids, because I eschew the idea of the internet as a money making machine and think everyone should be like me: poor, and hardworking and self satisfied. NOW there is a good question: does self-satisfaction clash with ultimate happiness? Or: is it better to be a stupid asshole and like yourself than to know better and hate yourself? Hahahaha! Find something that cheers you up for me, and try your best not to mind things. Hugs.