20010215

oh man. i have so much crap going on in my life that i tried writing a list of what i wanted to talk about and i couldn't think of anything, but i still feel like i have way too much going on, and way too much to do. if this continues i'm going to become like i was in the beginning of the school year. extremely withdrawn and quiet. that was when i wrote a lot of my poems, but i'd trade my poetry-writing for happiness. i can still write when i'm in a good mood, but usually at that point since i'd tune everyone out i'd just think a lot and come up with poems more often. i dunno.

so on the topic of poems, i already told britt, but i will re-say it. my school held a poetry contest and all the poems were due in yesterday because they were judging at three pm, but my teacher only told us yesterday, so i wanted to submit some. so me and my english teacher sat down and she read through my poems. cringe. i hate sharing my writing as it is, and it was really hard for me to sit there while she was like, reading through all my emotions. she really liked some of them and we couldn't decide which one(s) to submit, so she chose four of them and i submitted them all in. well my school chose eight poems to go onto the state competition. three of those poems were written by juniors. two of those poems were mine. hooray for me! now they're going onto the state competition

you know, i told people that i really didn't give a rat's ass about valentine's day and i really don't, but i think it was still sad to not get roses or anything. i'm not a material person, it just would have been nice to know that someone cared about me. i haven't even seen my mom since six am. she's out with her ex-boyfriend-who's-just-a-friend. she bought him chocolates and a card and something else and they're exchanging gifts and went out somewhere. she didn't even let me know, i'm just assuming this. that's nice, it's a holiday, and she didn't even call to tell me she wouldn't be home.

my personality is so fucking retarded. either i'm a bitch or i'm all quiet and shy. gee, that's attractive. in the past few days i've been a lot more outspoken than i normally am. i just mess around with people. like this girl in my journalism class, melissa, we were making fun of each other and i was all, thuggin, "do you want me to kick your ass?" and she just busted out laughing and was like, "i can never take you seriously for some reason!" i mean obviously i was joking, and yeah that's fine and dandy, but then that makes me wonder if people disregard everything i say, you know? i'm not a very good conversationalist in person. at least with a computer i have time to think about what i'm going to say, and i think that's kind of made me less of an outspoken person irl. i'd prefer to say something witty and/or important instead of making an ass out of myself, so i just don't say anything at all.

most of my friends are assholes. i mean they're all cool sometimes, but most of the time they'll hoe out on me. me, i'm the kind of person that will make friends and expect to remain friends with them the next five years (which i mostly have) and if i make other friends, that's cool, if not, that's cool too. in general it's the latter because i don't really care about high school relationships, because i'm hightailing it the fuck out of here when i graduate, right? but all my other friends are all making other friends and in the process hanging around our group less, so it ends up where they're drive somewhere for lunch with their other friends, and since i don't know these other friends they don't invite me; so i end up at school alone or with a few friends, which leaves me with the option of a. hanging with those few friends, b. or if there's no one at school, going to the library, or c. wandering around campus aimlessly, or d. going to see teachers or sitting outside and doing homework. so basically i look like a big fucking dork. to make matters worse, the nazisecurity at our school has passed the rule that no one is allowed inside the buildings at lunch anymore. so basically, i didn't want to go to the library, and i couldn't go inside, so i sat outside against the wall by myself. lo and behold, here comes dan and his flock of hoes, because him and his friends weren't allowed to sit inside either. so there i am just sitting by myself. hallo, i have no friends. hahaha, blah. fuck you dan.

i don't really like him anymore. i'm the kind of person who gets a crush and doesn't act on it but will have a crush on the same person for like a year or two. and i don't really give a shit. i don't want to get a boyfriend here anyway. what happens when we go to college? the only guy i think is hot right now is jesse, and he's like a bastard. well he's not, but he's going to end up in jail someday i bet. he comes to school having eaten various pills because they supposedly make him feel good, he gets high, he smokes, and he stole a tv from some guy and got in trouble for it and had to go to court. the funniest part? he stole this tv to put in his closet, so that him and his friends could watch tv while they got high in the closet. can we say 'pathetic'? i sure can. pa-the-tic.

i hate summer. i am dreading it immensely. but i also think, gleefully, that it will be my last summer before i have to go back to high school. next summer i will be moving out and going to college. northern arizona university keeps sending me stuff and calling, so hopefully they like me. they're sending a representative to our school, so i'm hoping i can talk to that person and get to know more shit. i was thinking the other day, and i really hope that if i stay in a dorm, i will get a suite. basically the thing is, you share a room with another person, but you guys share an adjoining bathroom with another room, that also holds two people. so basically it's four people to a bathroom. why do i want to do this? okay well first of all, the thought of having to shower with a congregation of people is just disturbing, and second of all, i hear those bathrooms are really shitty. and that you have to wear sandals in the shower or else your feet get all yucky. ew ew ew, grooooossssss. plus what happens if i have to go pee in the middle of the night? i'd have to go galloping down the hall. i bet moving out is going to make me realize what a spoiled brat i am right now.

so anyway, back to summer. i hate it with a passion. i would much rather be cold than hot. you can add more layers on when you're cold, but the only thing you can do when you're hot is strip and i can't exactly strip at school when it's hot out. i used to have to rollerblade to work in like one hundred ten degree weather with black pants scrub pants and a scrub top on, and it was fracking HOT out there. i hate arizona. i'm still going to hate arizona when i move to flagstaff, but at least it will be colder up there, it will have pretty trees, and it will have an actual winter with snow. i'm so excited. i know i have over a year of high school left but i just can't wait to go. i know i'll miss my mom and everything but i just want to go somewhere where i'll be happier.

now i'm getting all upset thinking about what it will be like when i'm on my own. what am i going to major in? who will i talk to? what if i have a hard time making friends? what if my roomate is a bitch? i think too much. much much too much. i overanalyze things and it ends up where i make things out to be worse than they are. i think people are taking a shot at me when they didn't mean to at all. it's very easy to twist words around when you analyze them too much. yes, oh yes, i am definitely starting to get depressed. i'm trying to figure out if it's because of valentine's day or just because of me, but i have no way of telling. i'm sure i'll still feel the same way and i know it will eventually wear off, but it's frustrating. i want to be happy and i just can't, because my mind won't let me be. do i sound like a freak yet? yup, i thought so.

my journalism class just finished a video project. ours was on the school's foreign exchange students. two were brazilian, one was from swizterland, one was from germany, one was russian, and one was from iceland. we only got to interview one of the brazilian guys. we didn't get to interview the cute one. the other one seemed nice enough but i heard he smokes and that's gross. the swizterland girl seemed cool but we didn't ask her very many questions so i didn't get to know her very well. the german guy was nice but he's such a blonde, and he'd just trail off. this girl jamie is a fucking tramp, and she came stumbling over to my group of friends this morning and showed us a card she made for her boyfriend -- it turns out she's dating the german guy. why? because "he's fucking hot." it would seriously surprise me if she hasn't screwed half the guys in our school. in seventh grade we were practicing a play at my house and she stripped and went swimming in my pool in her bra and underwear. she's such an airhead, so i guess her and the german guy fit together. and i'm sure it will be no problem for her when he leaves, considering that she skips around from boy to boy anyway. the russian girl seemed very nice. she said a lot of stuff but the main thing that sticks out in my mind is that she said she had to get good grades because she didn't want to 'shame her country'. why is this ironic? i found out she got deported. why? she said that she was having problems with her visa and passport. the truth? she was stealing checks from her host family, and got busted. they sent her back to russia. now who's shaming their country.

my art class is incredibly boring. it's tedious work, and it never turns out good anyhow, so i don't see what the point is. add to this fact that my teacher is extremely biased, and you get the result that i don't get very good grades on my project. i am aware that my drawing skill sucks ass, but i try as hard as i can to know avail, and it's so obvious that she favors certain students over others. such as the girl who sits next to me. she stands there and goes on and on about lisana's work, and never says a word to me. it's refreshing to see a teacher that is not so prude and not afraid to speak her opinion and be truthful and not go by normal standards, but when all is said and done, i'm the one who ends up getting shit on in the process.

and we move onto english class. quite boring, if i do say so myself, but the teacher is awesome. she's the one who helped me submit poems. it's only boring because i don't get to write about anything cool, but she does a good job otherwise. it is an incredibly easy class and i have a ninetyeight point one percent. it's obvious that i should have stayed in ib/ap english, but i'm too lazy to do all the work that was required, so i moved down to my current class, intermediate composition, considered 'regular english' for my grade level. we write papers in this class. in the other one we just analyzed a bunch of pointless bullshit. i ended up with a seventyseven point nine. i really like my english teacher though, she's one of those people that actually gets involved with her students and talks to them and helps them better themselves and achieve what they want. any other teacher would have been impersonal about my poems, but she was really interested to read them and related with the fact that she writes poems too.

i hate math. i hate my math class. my teacher is a freak. he plays the same video games that my brother does, and discusses them with us during class. he has a level forty character on the game that my brother players. my brother's character is like level twenty. that shows you how much he plays it. my math teacher worked with the army's nuclear weapons until it got shut down, and then he became a math teacher. yeaaaah, good choice. he informs us of such disturbing things as the fact that the word 'geek' means 'a circus performer who bit the heads off of chickens' and the meanings for other slang words. we determined that, by a teenager's connotation, the word 'skank' means a crack-addicted prostitute. my math teacher also shares with us his glorious stories of army days, rolling around in muddy fields and drills and checks and stealing bullets and various other unamusing and disturbing things. did i mention that math sucks?

then we have biology. i love science. i love animals. i hate this class. i have no use for the knowledge of what makes up a plant's stem. what am i going to do? become a nurse and use that info? "oh damn, those are some nasty bed sores on your ass. let me put some ointment on them. by the way, did you know that xylem and phloem are the vascular tissues in a plant?" ummm yeah. i passed that class with a d last semester and wanted to drop it this semester, but colleges wouldn't have counted it as a full year of science credit if i did. because if i took a semester of ib/ap biology and then a semester of human anatomy, it would be like taking half of each class and that doesn't add up to a whole, so they'd just disregard it completely. my teacher is nice enough, but that class is boring and useless.

lastly there is history. i hate this class. i hate the teacher more. he is a condescending asshole. he is also very short. i would like to kick the shit out of him. he always has to have the upper hand in every situation and cracks lame jokes all the time, but yells at us for being inappropriate when someone else makes a joke. one time i was sick and was going to go home, and he told me that i couldn't call my mom because that would mean he'd have to let other people call whoever they wanted whenever they wanted, so i just walked back to my desk and he's like, 'are you going to let me finish?' ... 'no.' and everyone started laughing and i was just incredibly pissed. i really cannot stand that man. he thinks he's the shit, and he's far from it. not to mention the class is boring as hell. i hate history as it is, but i hate listening to him read definitions of vocabulary words off of a list and having to write it down even more. asshole.

so it ends up where i have an a in journalism, a b in art, an a in english, a b in math, a d in biology, and a b in history. i'm pleased with everything except my biology grade, but there's not much i can do about that. i do my homework but i always bomb the tests. however i did get an eightyseven point five on my last test, which made me happy.

my cat is so annoying. she is sleeping on the bed, so i close the door. then she wants out, so i open the door. then she climbs all over my lap and rubs her paws against the houseplant and climbs on the monitor. then i go to bed. then she wants back in. then she climbs all over my pillows while i try to sleep, and meows because she wants attention. i love her very much but she needs to lay off. britt, i sent you a little picture of her in the letter i sent, lol. i dunno why, i just had a lot of pictures laying around.

well i'm gonna go to sleep now, so i'll have to blog mo' latah. my mom's been talking my ear off for the last thirty minutes, otherwise i would have written more. although i did talk a lot. hopefully i'll feel better soon. ummm, happy valentine's day and all that.

posted by special k at 12:36:43 AM