My weekend camping adventure was more of a survivor's test than anything else. The gods and goddesses were probably discussing amongst themselves, "Hey, let's see how strong Lillian's desire to live is." I think I passed the test with flying colors.

We got to our campsite in New Hampshire around 12AM. It was frickin' ass cold. The guys -- Patrick and Calvin -- set up the tents. Right afterwards, we brushed our teeth in the wilderness and then went to bed. We woke up early around 7AM to get ready for hiking up Mount Washington, aka the biyatch. It took us 4.5 hours to get to the top. Toward the last stretch I just wanted to quit. I was crawling on all fours most of the way. There were so many rocks and it was so steep. I stopped many times and I started succumbing to frustration. But, I needed to get to the top so I picked myself up and continued. I was the very last to finish. I didn't feel joy. I felt defeat. Although, I do feel a sense of accomplishment now. I can remember that there was one stretch where I actually kept repeating to myself, "I can do it. I can do it." I did almost fall to my doom though. I had to climb over this big rock and I couldn't get my footing. Luckily, Calvin had reached out his hand to me and I held on to it for dear life while I tried to pull myself up. That was not cool.

After we rested and filled up on food, everyone wanted to hike back down. I was like, "Hell, no. I'm taking the van back down." I know my limits and I know that I would have seriously hurt myself going down cuz going down is a hell of a lot harder than going up. So, my aunt and I took the van back down.

When everyone was back together again and had showered, we started the trek to Maine. We didn't get to camp until really late. When Patrick told us that we'd get to sleep in cabins, I thought of a bed and a nice, cozy fire. That was so not the case. The "cabin" was this small, little shack with heavy burlap to keep out the cold. It looked like a cage pretty much. Anyhow, in the morning we got ready for river rafting on the Penobscot River. Well, you all know how that turned out.

This trip wasn't fun, but I have to say that I learned a lot about myself. I know that I have a very strong will and a tremendous amount of fight within me. I also learned that life is fragile. It can be taken away just like that or given back to you just as fast. So, I'm gonna do my best to stay the happy camper that I am. Life is good.

Oh, and no more doing life-risking activities...well, maybe bungee jumping...

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I'm a-OK today. I think what I needed was that shower and sleep. Like what I wrote to Yuet in an email, "Ain't no river gonna take me out." I've still got a lot of things to do and see. I think I'm gonna go thank the Goddess of Mercy (Guan Yin) for helping out a little peon like myself.

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I've been in a weird mood ever since my near drowning. Maybe it's shock? You'd think I'd be a happy camper, but I don't think I am. A lot of thoughts and feelings are running in my head -- deep stuff that are kinda weighing me down a bit. The feeling of despair I felt as the current was taking me away from everybody has been replaying in my head constantly as well as the screaming I did.

All I did today was binge on food. I consumed two cheeseburgers, fries, onion rings, steamed rice noodles, and rice porridge in a span of only a few hours. Sick, huh? Well, I feel sick right about now. I know that I didn't eat because of hunger. Comfort was more like it. Yup, I needed me some comfort.

My mom's been wondering why I've been acting strange. But, I'm not gonna tell her. Shit would be hitting the ceiling and flying off the walls if I did. The less she knows the better. Plus, why worry her when there's nothing to worry about anymore?

Maybe what I need is a nice, hot shower and sleep. Then, maybe I can get back to the regularly scheduled program of dung.

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In that moment of nearly drowning, I didn't see my life flash by me, pray to a higher power, or even have my loved ones cross my mind. No, I only thought of trying to breathe and knowing that if I didn't or if someone didn't help me ASAP that I would be no more. My life would end in a fuckin river.

I had gone river rafting with my friends. We'd just finished the first run. It was scary, but it was fun. There wasn't anything too bad about it, but that was because the river guide had done things by the book. I guess he did so because his boss was kayaking around us and others. The second run was the one I almost kicked the bucket because of some fuckin irresponsible piece of shit they called a river guide. He wanted us to take the raft down some "violent" rapids and surges near this huge ass rock. The zinger here is that it was illegal meaning that his boss would have his ass. The river rafting company policy is that a river guide can't intentionally guide people to a surge knowing that the raft will flip out. "It's illegal, but I just told you what to do in case the raft flips out, so really, I'm covered," he basically said. Plus, his boss had gone home for the day. Vicky and I didn't want to do it. The others were gung-ho and ready. Jackie was telling me that I didn't have anything to be fearful about. "He's just trying to scare us," she said. Then, why were there two other raft boats at the bottoming of the surge waiting and watching us to be sure that we'd be ok? Isn't that a bad sign when they need not one but two rescue rafts?

We went into the big one and the waves just pounded the raft, aka this rubber dingy. We had to slide to whichever side the raft was starting to rise to prevent the raft from flipping out and turning upside down. We were successful with the first couple of surges, but the surges were keeping us locked in too long as opposed to just spitting us out back to calmer waters after a few seconds. The river guide even said that later on. We miscalculated the timing and so the raft turned upside down thrusting us into and under the water, aka rapids.

I can remember going down and feeling the raft skid across the top of my head. I eventually surfaced. I was under for probably only a few seconds, but it felt like eternity. I'm so surprised that I didn't get trapped under the raft. I was -- and am -- so thankful for my life jacket. I thought that would be it, but it wasn't.

I had the fuckin waves to deal with. It was throwing me every which way -- rushing into my face. I was sucking in water. I tried timing my breathing, but the waves just wouldn't stop coming at me. All I could think about was flipping my body around so that I would be lying on my back with my feet up just like the river guides had instructed us in case we fell out. The legs are kept up so that they won't hit the rocks underneath or get caught in them.

Once I finally adjusted my body, I felt myself flying. The current was taking me out so fast. There was a moment where I couldn't even cough out the water. My chest was killing me because I was trying so hard to breathe. That's when I started panicking because if you can't cough, then you can't breathe. And, if you can't breathe, then you're fuckin dead.

That's when I put all my energy into emitting a loud scream. In part, it was to force some air going and in another part it was because I was scared. I could see myself flying past all my friends. I tried moving toward them, but they were too far and the current was just too strong. Hell, I couldn't even make my way to shore.

Luckily, one of the two rafts that had been waiting for us heard me screaming and started paddling toward me. I could hear someone say, "We're on our way!" The next thing I remember is being on the side of the raft and someone pulling me up. As I choked out the water, I took a second to say thank you to everyone on board. I was the first to be rescued. I guess screaming helps.

After everyone was out of the water and transported back into our original raft, my friends were exclaiming how fun it was. Fun my fuckin ass.

Everyone was comforting me saying that it was ok and that nothing bad would have happened to me. It's like everyone was trying to dismiss what I felt. Well, fuck that.

And, to add insult to injury, we had to paddle the rest of the way and the river guide wanted to set us up for another surge. That dumb fuck. Luckily, we missed it.

Shit, I paid money so that I could die.

That moment where I was just zipping by past everyone is a moment I don't think I'll ever forget. The thought that I could possibly die. I mean, I've thought about dying before, but this was real. The likelihood of it happening to me at that moment was real. And, I fought like hell to keep it from happening -- screaming from the top of my lungs. I've never screamed that loud in all my life.

I don't think I ever want to hear what I sounded like. Not because of embarassment, but because it was a scream of desperation with a mixture of disbelief like how could this be happening?

I don't feel a new appreciation for life. I'm still in disbelief and upset for putting myself in the situation.

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I don't feel like going camping. I didn't want to go to begin with, but when my friend asked me, I said yes because she and my aunt wanted me to go. I'm weanie. I cave in to peer pressure like a little bitch. Oh well.

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"Oh fuck!" What I meant by that is, "Oh, Fornications Under Consent of the King!" Thanks for clearing that up for me, Q.

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Thorpie had a very close call.

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A lesson I've learned: NEVER read a horror or murder mystery book before going to bed. I gave myself the worst nightmares after finishing Heartbreaker. I can recall burnt faces and etc. Sick sick sick.

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A few nights ago, I had a dream about DMX. DMX? That's what I was asking myself as well. There wasn't any hanky panky going on. It was just him being mean to me. He would push me away, but then pull me back and hold me. Like I wrote to Yuet in an email, "What the dilly?"

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Julie overslept and decided not to catch flight 11 from Boston to LA.

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It's unbelievable the stories I've been reading and hearing about Arab Americans being harassed just because they're Arabs. As if all Arabs conspired to do what they did to us. And, the Muslim religion has been so maligned. Fanatics and psychotics did this. This is reminiscent of how the Japanese were treated after the bombing of Pearl Harbor and also of how some people targeted Asians as the cause of the ailing auto industry back in the 80s. Some people never learn cuz they're too damn retarded. I say we put all of them into an internment camp and give each of them a bitch slap back into reality.

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Hello Yardsale.

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I haven't gone out for the past few days. I've holed myself up at home drawing. I still have to get my children's book illustrations down. I still can't get what I want on paper -- what I envision in my head is not being translated. What I have been doing is a series of sketches of figure 8's. I did the starburst/snowflake piece for class and I've been expanding on it. The objective of my figure 8 art is to make people nauseous. I showed it to my brother and he started getting ill. I have to admit that while I was drawing in the zillions of lines, I was getting a bit ill myself.

My illustration class started last Monday night. The instructor is a pretty nutty guy. He couldn't stop talking about horse manure. Anyhow, when he started talking about Japanese films, I could tell that he was gonna say something to me. I just knew it since I'm the only Asian in class. He didn't disappoint me either. "But, you probably won't have to read subtitles since you speak Japanese, right?" he asked. Uh-uh, oh no he didn't. I told him that I wasn't Japanese. In retrospect, I should have asked him if he could understand Swahili. When class ended, I stayed after and asked him if it was ok if I missed 2 classes. I explained to him about my family going to Hong Kong. "Oh, there have been a lot of students from Hong Kong here at the art school," he said. WTF?! I know the man didn't mean to be ignorant, but he was. Some people need to check what they say if they don't want to end up sounding like a complete jackass. They think questions and remarks like the one my instructor made are innocent. They're not. When I hear people say things like that to me, it makes me aware of how they view me -- as different and as a foreigner. Gee, thanks.

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I'll be camping in the woods of New Hampshire and Maine starting tomorrow with a bunch of folks -- Q and my aunt are among them. We'll be leaving for New Hampshire tomorrow evening. I think we'll be camping out and then in the morning we'll be hiking up Mount Washington. Then, the next day we'll be doing some river rafting, which I'm kind of hesitant about since I know not how to swim. I even told my friend, who coordinated this whole affair, this and she said I had nothing to worry about. Just give me a life jacket...or two or three, please.

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• Arab Americans Fear Backlash
• Leader of S. Florida mosque condemns acts, hires security
• Local Muslims Worry About Unfair Harassment

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I'm gonna go back to what I've been doing these past two days -- sitting in front of the television glued to all the news stations.

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After helping Yuet over the weekend with food shopping up at Amherst, I got in my car and started my long drive back home. Granted, it's only a 2-hour drive, but it was my first time alone on the highway...in the dark. I stocked the car up with my music tapes (yes, they still exist and, yes, people still listen to them). I had stuff from my junior high school days like Martika's Kitchen, Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814, Tommy Page, and U2's Achtung Baby. I must say that they made my ride a-ok...except for when I almost missed my exit. I mentally spaced out for a bit. Yeah, I don't really like driving at night much.

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A neat, new look over at deadman.

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My mom's friend knew someone who boarded one of the planes that hit the twin towers of the WTC. She was bound for LA with her young son. I can't stop thinking about what their last moments were like -- those on the planes and in the buildings. The terror they must have felt makes me ill.

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SWAT Teams have arrived at the Westin Copley Hotel in downtown Boston, dressed in bullet-proof vests and accompanied by ambulances.

Whoa, I walk by that place frequently. Now the news is that bomb sniffing dogs have found something and the hotel is gonna be evacuated. The retarded thing is that there was a huge crowd in front of the hotel before the police decided to herd them away. You'd think that people would have a little bit more common sense after what happened with the collapse of the WTC and move the hell away.

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You know what the scary thing is? Even though my mom drives me nuts, I'm probably gonna become just like her later down the road. That's how sick and twisted life is. It'll be my mom's revenge for all the times I've been a snot to her.

More wedding pictures have been added.

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My mom embarassed the hell out of me tonight. She was sitting at another table, but she comes to the table I'm at with my brother and starts bagging the bottle of liquor to bring home. "Ma, aren't you going to ask if the other people at our table would like it?" I asked. "They don't want it," she said. "But, you didn't ask them," I said. I felt the stares from the rest of the folks from my table. I wanted to die...well, no, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out. To top it off, she takes all the doggy bagged food, vase of roses, as well as the opened bottle of wine that we had. That was not right. I told her that too, but she didn't care. Luckily, I'll never have to see any of the people that were at my table ever again. Well, that's what I hope at least. The woman needs to chill.

Don't get me wrong. I love my mom, but she drives me bonkers 24/7.

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I was supposed to hang out with Yuet and the gang tonight -- grab a bite of Vietnamese food and then head on over to the driving range for golf. I was semi-excited because I've never been to a driving range before. And then, I get a phone call from my mom telling me that I have to go to the wedding banquet with her and my brother. "Why?" I whined. Apparently, the sister of the groom's mom demanded that I attend. I don't know if that's true or not, but I went.

As we were walking to the restaurant, I stopped by the Vietnamese restaurant that Yuet, Q, and the others were at. I saw Alex from the window so I popped in to say hi and then took a picture of them all. I'm dangerous when I have a camera in my hands. I get super geeky.

I saw Emily at the banquet and we started gabbing away. I swear that I sounded like a valley girl. I guess she brings it out of me. I asked her about college and then we started talking about boys. Ack. Now that I think about it, I sounded more like a teeny bopper than anything else. But, we had fun. Emily, my brother, and I sat at a table full of strangers, which was cool -- got to meet new people. There was a guy sitting there who was cracking me -- and everyone else there -- up with the things he was saying. He was a guy's guy and just exuded testosterone. Plus, he looked like a shaolin monk. You can't beat that. Unfortunately, his girlfriend was sitting next to him. Just my luck. But, I must say that they did make a very nice couple.

Boy, am I beat. Weddings are such exhausting affairs.

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Pictures from this morning's event are in.

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Just came back from the wedding ceremony. It was weird seeing everyone again. They all look the same pretty much...just that they're getting hitched left and right. Good lord, time sure does fly. My brother drove me, my mom, his buddy, and his buddy's girlfriend over. The girlfriend kept talking to me about shoes, clothes, and panty hose. Ummm...so, I said a bunch of "oh yeahs" and "wows" in mock interest. The ceremony was pretty nice and quick although I don't know how many more times I'm gonna have to hear that Corinthians excerpt of "love is patient. love is kind..." blah blah blah. At the reception, there was a mad dash for the food. My mom forced my brother and me to get up and bring back stuff for the table. Ack. Then, when the bouquet toss came around, people were trying to shove me up to catch it. I stayed put. My brother wasn't so lucky. The groom specifically called for him to go up. Man, everyone's getting older, but I don't feel it.

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Looks like I'll be doing some camping one week before I leave for my trip. Supposedly, there will be river rafting, which I'm a bit queasy about since I don't know how to swim. Can we say life jacket? I just hope I don't get poopy cuz I don't feel like squattin' and poopin' in the woods.

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