September 12, 2001

I just wanted to say thank you a million and one times to everyone who has either called or emailed me or left me comments here concerned about my well being. I am, thank goodness, safe and sound, and so are my family members and my friends. (MARISSA, I haven't read anything from you since your last blog entry. I pray that you're okay and that you're safe.) I get angry at a lot of you sometimes, but I'm grateful for all of you and I love you all. Please know that. I'm no good in any kind of emergency or tragedy so i'm not going to say a lot. I just wanted to thank everyone who was worried about me in some shape form or fashion. I'm glad that the people I know on here who live in or near the areas hit are safe, but yet my heart is broken for those who have lost their lives and lost their loved ones. It's a tough time right now for everyone. I'm not going to say a lot. I just actually don't know what to say and i'm going to admit that. I'm not going to pretend I know a lot right now. I'm scared out out of my mind now, and very nervous, but if you know me and my extreme paranoia, you know that isn't anything unusual. But before I say anything else stupid, I'm going to just not say anything else at all.

One more thing, I know this sounds a little cliched, but make sure your loved ones know you love them. Make sure everyone is safe.

September 9, 2001

Things I did this weekend:

-Downloaded the new Britney Six Spears song from BRIAN's site. I'll be the first to admit that i'm REALLY into that song, with that Nasty Girl beat and all. I have a urge to wear high heels and lace socks now for some odd reason. Viva la 80's or something like that. I was in the first grade or so when Nasty Girl came out. I remember the older girls..no wait..that was "Sex Shooter". They made up this little dance where they would touch their not there yet breasts and sing that song. Wonder what they're up to now. Found the new Jamiroquai single too. Very sweet. I can't wait for the album to drop. I'll probably download that too and not buy it because i'm busy spending money I really don't have on other stuff.

-Didn't watch 100056854 repeats of the the VMA's. I wonder if...

-I can record it on my newly purchaced TiVo (lets think of a million and one things I could have done with that money, shall we?) No, I don't know how to work the damn thing yet. I would read how cool it was on COMABOUND's page. Now i'm thinking about taking the thing back and putting the money in savings. Nah, i'll put it towards a nice winter coat. It's about to get nippy out here. It's just chillin' in my room half assed in the box. As tempted as I am to hook up my VCR again, though I read that I can actually have both, I won't. I would call my ex, king of all things electronic, but he'll think i'm just trying to get him here so I can do him. What an ego. It's a half truth though. Anyway...

-Got REALLY convinced that i'm going straight to the devil after laughing at the Anne Heche interview on 20/20 last Wednesday night. Got more convinced after I lost it after Rosie O'Donnell, who in all fairness shouldn't laugh at ANYONE, well neither should I. Hell, my problems prolly run deeper than the both of theirs combined..but she cracked on her the next day, making fun of the language that was a la that episode of the Jetsons where Judy sent in a song to this contest to meet this singer that was made up of a secret code that Elroy had come up with. I usually don't even watch Rosie O, because a) I'm usually not home and b) I got the dates that The Rock would be on mixed up. Eep Orrk Blah Ah Ah..and that means I Love You..with a little L. Spank me, Jay Kay. But if it was all an act, it worked. I'm going to go look for her book tomorrow. Yes, I find comfort in reading about those who are more touched than I am.

-Footloose came on TV and I watched it for the..i've lost count of how many times i've seen this movie. It's like watching Gone With The Wind and Heathers and Say Anything..I could never ever get tired of watching those movies. And the soundtrack still kicks ass.

-Discovered the joys of Chewy Granola Bars. The ones with Butterfinger candy mixed in them are really good. And only three grams of fat. Help. I'm becoming Hardy from BB2! But his thing was protein, but who gives a shit because his ass is outtie. Hee! CRYSTAL thinks Will loves HER. Hmph ;)

-Made a date with the guy who will hopefully be my potential new boyfriend one of these days. No, not Will or RVD, but swoon anyway.

-Didn't get to see Rock Star, but from what I heard, i'm kinda glad I didn't.

-Cursed the NFL several times. I bloody hate football.

-Last but not least, wished I had half the tact and intelligence as STACEY has.

It was a good weekend.

September 5, 2001

I'm supposed be curled up with a nice warm ginger ale now, but I just had to come online to confess my love for The Evil, Sick, Twisted, Dr. Will Osmond of Big Brother 2. (And to search something on Yahoo Health for moms, who is convinced that I gave her what I have now. Do you ever like do that, or look in medical books, then decide you have all the symptoms of a certain disease and convince yourself that you have one foot in the grave? I think i'm the only one who goes on Yahoo Health for weird fun.) I wonder if he's down with the swirl though? Because we'd be two crazy mofos together and our children would probably come out sane, which would be a good thing. I have a serious love jones for him. I hope he wins so he can give a middle finger to Nicole and Hardly. Poor Monica. Her and Sue from Survivor. Goodness. Things would never get dull with those two. Dear Alicia. I hate you and your perfect body. Please come mold me. Love, C. Phooey.

I miss my darling Angie. I think i'm going to cry. In a minute, I think I shall cry. I got Gone With the Wind on DVD finally and as you can see, i've watched it a lot. If I could be like Scarlett, mixed with Gloria from Butterfield 8 (which is on DVD! Argh! "I was the slut of all time!" and the lipstick on the mirror action. Sends chills down my spine.) and Naomi Campbell for good measure, probably because I'd like to attack people with my cell phone, i'd be hell on wheels.

So yeah, I really have nothing of importance to say right about now. Oh yeah BRIAN is a sweetheart. I would give you a hug but i'd give you all my nasty girly germs and everything. Conjunctivitis update day..i've lost count. It's REALLY nasty looking and it's spread to the other eye. I have a fever to boot. I'm just tired of being in bed when I get off of work. It's straight to my bed to watch movies and wrestling. And must the WWF make the "Canadian Race" (Which of the following describes you: a)Black b) White c) Hispanic d)Canadian. What!?) look stupid ALL the time, eh? What's that all aboot? I'm in rare form tonight, aren't I?

Christian is clearly Canadian though. Him yelling at Edge after giving him multiple chairshots to the dome on Raw Monday..he sounded like he belonged in a "Very Special Episode" of Degrassi High. Yes, Canadians reek of awesomeness, and funny accents.

What!? That would be a fun drinking game. Everytime the Bionic Redneck does that "What!?" thing, have a shot of something. I would have been really drunk or had severe alcohol poisoning last night. I wonder if that's an inside joke, like I heard the whole hugging thing had something to do with DDP. I actually have it timed, when he'll do that, and i'm right 98% of the time. Anyway, I'll never get tired of "What 3:16". I typed out 4:20. My mind must be on RVD's strudel.

I really should just stop though. I have nothing to write about anymore. It really sucks to be me lately. Except for the fact that i'm in this zone..it's kinda weird. I don't know. People, like the girl at work and a few people on here who really aren't worth even mentioning, but i'm sure they'll check my page to see if I did, they can say stuff about me, directly or indirectly or be on the subliminal tip, and i'm like "Eh, fuck it. Kiss my maple flavored ass. Get over me." and it feels REALLY good actually. I don't know, I think I developed an ego or a thicker skin or something. Things don't get to me much anymore. It's nice to have someone call you stupid (the chick at work) and to be able to just laugh it off and go on about my day. And I didn't need to watch Tuesdays with Dr. Phil to come to that either. I'm pretty proud of myself even if nobody else is at this point. I wish everyone could be like that, just let stuff go and not dwell on it and harp on it so much. I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV..

TOUGH ENOUGH 2..they're taking applications for it. I'd do really good until they got to the background check portion (I'm really in debt. I don't get prize money, but i'd get a WWF Contract, which would be good because I could maybe get a piece of RVD's strudel or a staring role on Jakked or something. I could do mixed tag team matches with Essa Rios (and put him on Raw for goodness sakes!) or something. And I stabbed a girl with a mechanical pencil in elementary school. Erased from your record. Sure. winkwink.) or the..i'm not wording this right..they test your mental stability, and we all know i'm not mentally stable right? Pass the Zoloft,yo. But hey, they wouldn't need to give me a gimmick. I could be myself. C, the mentally unstable girl. My finisher would be the Powered by Paxil Powerbomb or something. My theme music could be "I Wanna be Sedated" by The Ramones. Oh fuck it. I'm sending in a tape.

Since i'm pretty sure i'm not getting this job, or any job anytime soon, other than the one i'm at because i'm being punished to the extreme, i'm considering going through with the bleaching and coloring of my hair, and the whole peircing thing. I'll admit, I have the only job in the world, an office job, where I can get away with magenta hair and probably 5 facial pericings when all is said and done. My supervisors actually are into my peircings, so that's cool. One even said my eyebrow ring was pretty. Pretty wasnt the effect I was going for, but awwww. I'm going for the "Hold your purse, old lady." look I think.

If I could find The Princess Bride on DVD..i'm letting VHS go. It took me forever, but I know it's out. I loved that movie when I was younger, but they don't have it in the stores here. Thats a good "I'm sick. I'm in bed." movies.

Pimpin' aint easy, but if you're sellin' it, it's alright.. I'm a little old to have crushes on pop stars, but I swear i'd do the hell out of Robbie Williams. Rock DJ. Go download it. The video fits the song. It sounds like a song you'd hear at a rollerskating rink. I haven't been skating in ages, not with regular "old school" skates. I'm a rollerblade girl. Sad but true.

I have nothing to say. Hold me someone.

August 31, 2001

So yeah, this is going to be quick because my moms is going to help me take out my eyebrow ring (Sorry,HUNY my sweet. But you can go with me to get it redone, along with my nipples, okay? But I'm sick of the weird looks i've been getting lately, that and the whole job interview thing. I'm 100% sure i'm not going to get this job, even though I purchased a nice interview suit and interview shoes (13 bucks from Nine West. I'll have a pic tomorrow. They're really funky but career-ish) but i'm sure this time next month i'll be posting about how much I hate my job, but just from a new buliding. We're moving. Yay! But guess what? I won't be posting from my PC at work. Why? Because just as i'm about to start my lovely three day weekend and say screw my diet (and the no dairy rule)and have a small, itty bitty, slice of chocolate chip cheesecake, my supervisor stops by my desk "Don't be surprised if somone comes by your desk. I'm having the internet removed form your PC. Okaybye." and i'm sitting there kinda weirded out, but I go "Okay. Whatever." and I sensed this was going to happen because I heard the chick that sits behind me in her office talking about me saying "Like, I only do that when i'm BORED and I have NOTHING do do!" and she got loud on that sentence only. I'm not stupid, but i'm sure you think that I am, right? But, no sweat my pet. But this chick sits all day on the phone printing out recipies all day long like she's a black, ugly, disgusting, pimple faced Martha Stewart or something, and who also brings her loud friends around my cubicle all day, but hey, she's pretty much our supervisors pet pitbull. What can I do about it but grin and bear it? I hope she gets eaten by a bear, but the poor bear would just have a bunch of bones to pick his teeth with, after he eats her big butt buddy that had a hand in getting my net cut off too. I hope you two are bloody happy! But I spend too much time on the internet, which isn't true. I'm only on the net when I have zero to do, which is all the time pretty much. I get in at 6 and get all my work done by about 8 or so. I just answer the phones and take messages and do an occassional fax or two the rest of the day. I don't know what her beef with me is, and I don't care. She really thinks I want her job. That's pathetic if you want to spend the rest of your life being a secretary. I'm sorry if i've offended anyone. No, i'm not. You're just really pathetic. You and bus drivers. Did I say how much I hate Metro today?

But, I think i'm being punished for laughing at the guy from Kids who gets on the train singing "I have no legs". I didn't laugh. I smiled, but I didn't laugh. That was wrong. I just really think someone is having a good ol time punishing me. Hopefully this all happened for a reason, like "Take away my net. Fugga you! I'm about to get a new job anyway." I don't want the office taking me to lunch either. I'd probably give them a few choice words when i'm supposed to be faking like i'm going to miss them. I'll miss the people who arent directly in my office, if I get this job. Please let me get this job! Please stop punishing me! I didn't mean to laugh at that man. I'm not angry by it. This will give me more time to read the newspaper, listen to talk radio..Howard Stern and the awful Don and Mike will fill my days with glee, and run up their long distance, if they don't decide to take away my phone. I'm going to be calling eveyone I know that's out of state a lot. If you want me to give you a call, let me know, especially if you live real far away. I can call you and put the phone on hold for about three hours while I look at my hands BECAUSE I DONT HAVE THE FRIGGIN NET ON MY COMPUTER ANYMORE! People in Canada, i'm looking at you. Take away my internet. Curses! If they take away solitaire and minesweeper however, its fuckin' awwwn! Monica from BB2 cracks my shit up. I have a feeling she's going to win though.

Conjunctivitis update day two: No sign of clearing. Still haven't seen a doctor because I hope to use this an excuse to stay home Wednesday, then I'll go to the clinic and get a doctor's note that will cost me 25 dollars probably. I hope I don't go blind. (Who is this song by: "I would rather go blind than to see you walking away from me." I'm like Rosie O'donnell with the useless info that I have stored in my head, but I think my voice isn't as annoying as hers.) Downside: I can't wear my new MAC mascara until this clears up. Downside two: It's not in the eye where the eyebrow ring is. So i'm fucked up in both eyes right about now. Lots of drainage and puss and stuff. I hope you weren't eating though.

I'm going to miss my eyebrow ring, but now I can get the piercing where it goes from one side of your ear to the other with the barbell. I saw a girl with it on the train today and it looked sweet. But I cant hide that from my grandfather at family functions, so probably not. Darn it.

August 30, 2001

Thanks to everyone that was concerned about my whereabouts. I am still among the living, although i've had periods lately where I wish I really wasn't. In a nutshell, i'm pretty darned tired, both physically and mentally. I have things I want to post on here, things I think of while i'm sitting at my desk, or watching televison..anybody watch The Last Don 2: Mafia Boogaloo last night? The guy that played Cross..I want to have his babies..just stuff. I could be riding the train..and this is going to turn into some "I hate Metro" type of thing. General complaints being 1) I hate people bumrushing the train when the sign says "XYZ line to 123 approaching". Dude, that means it's at the station behind us. It's hasn't even pulled off from there. But it's fun to play with people. I take one step forward, they take one step forward, trying to get ahead of me only so they can grab a hold of those nice metal bars and stand up like everyone else. 2) When the train is crowded, you have some asshole who will yell, and the train is full to capacity and people are packed like sardines and you have people's erect nipples poking you in the eye..maybe that's just happened to me..someone will yell "Can yall please move back? People are trying to get on?" all stupid like, knowing there's another train right behind that one, but yet they want to shimmy shimmy yall on the train for some odd reason. I wish it didn't cost so much to drive into work and park in a garage or something. Gee, C. Tell us how much you REALLY hate Metro.

I really think some people are just meant to be evil though. I think i'm one of them. (The fact that I want "Evil Dr.Will Osmond" to win BB2 says A LOT. I don't know what in the heck is going on over on that show anymore. I miss the almost daily email updates of the live feeds that COMABOUND and I used to send each other. I think Bunky finally got a spine, Hardy still wears eyeliner and Nicole's eyebrows are still tattooed on and Will should sleep with one eye open. What is it with people and knives in that house? Next time they should not put knives in the house. I must get one of those bandanas with the hair attached like Monica though. I won't have to sit through 152583 hours getting microbraids or anything. I can just set it and forget it or something. I'm writing a lot. I have to make up for lost time. I hear some of the Survivor people are going into the house soon. I want to see Alicia and Nicole go at it. Alicia will punish that ass.) With the events of the past week or so, I sat, and I did the "How precious is life? What have I accomplished? Why am I still here?" thing. Constantly. To the point where I scared myself. Then I did the "Tell everyone that you know how much you care. Make amends with people you've wronged. Get in touch with people you haven't talked to in awhile." thing, and that was pretty selfish of me,but not insincere or anything like that. But I do care about people, deep down I do. Maybe not on the surface..it's not obvious, but I do care about people. Then a couple days later i'm back to being a pottymouth and a grump and wanting to eat people's children and fighting with my mom and wishing I could beat the crap out of certain coworkers of mine...I'm really not a good person. I have good intentions however. I'd like to think that I do.

So yeah, It's really about to rain over here. I hear thunder and it's getting dark. I'd hate for me to lose power while i'm typing this. I'll try to hurry things along.

COOL SITE.

I got a job interview for a job at a very high profile place that would bring me enough money to finally move out with and finally pay off my creditors with (I'm getting letters from lawyers now. That's bad. I'm tempted to just do a letter on my moms letterhead and send them back stuff telling them to fuck off and "leave my client alone". That's bad too, i'm sure.) that i'm 100% sure i'm not going to get. I had purchased stuff to bleach and dye my hair and I planned on getting a lip ring for some odd reason, then I got the phone call to come in Tuesday for an interview. Great. So i'm debating taking out my eyebrow ring, though I really don't think I should be looked down on because I have a piece of what I think is metal sticking out of my eyebrow, but this should please my mother. I'm not taking out the mouthpiece. Nope. No way. I'll get a retainer. That stays, much to the disapointment of my moms. The lip ring would have had my clothes sitting out in the hallway of our apartment in a Glad bag when I got home the next day. I still think I just do a lot of things to irk my mother. I have totally lost my train of thought. It was probably to say something sarcastic though, and i'll be glad that I didn't put my foot in my mouth later. But, i'm debating about the eyebrow ring. I may put a bandage up there and say I had an accident or something. I burned myself with the curling iron maybe. Something. I really don't want to take this out. It's a good conversation piece and it's gotten me a few dates actually. Can I get a woah eyebrow ring?

Oh yeah, I have Conjunctivitis REALLY bad right about now. My mother: "You're just making that up so you can stay home and ruin my vacation!". If it were only that simple, mommie dearest. I'm going to work tomorrow, Conjunctivitis and all, because we probably get a few hours off because of the holiday on Monday. I have to buy job interview clothes, so i'll be hitting the mall after work tomorrow. My moms usually picks out my job interview clothes. She's not talking to me though because she thinks I was put here to punish her. I've gone on a lot of interviews by the way. I haven't gotten any jobs though. No fair.

I should just do a seperate blog that contains stories about me and my mom. I'm talking about her a lot lately.

Anyway, i'm broke. And to avoid me having to having to..and it is a lot harder to file bankruptcy these days..thanks, Dubbya..some of the infamous (i'd like to think they are) C t-shirts will be going up for auction really soon. Yes, i'm selling off the majority of my precious t-shirts, probably because I should go to work looking like i'm there to work and not ready to play shake it senorita at a BBQ. That's a fun little game, by the way. I think my mom said I look like i'm about to go to a cookout too. I wear a lot of jeans, t-shirts and flip flops lately. I don't think many of my shirts have actual buttons. I think I said that in a previous entry though. Proceeds go to the only cause I know. Me, gotdamnit. I hope that made you laugh. I found it funny that I ripped off Gone With The Wind like that. My mom will foreclose on my computer if I don't start paying her the 50% that I owe her and I won't be able to write keep things up here because I won't have a computer and I can't do it at work if I do get this new job because no other job is going to let me goof around on the net as much. I doubt anyone would care if I just vanished from the internet, but what the hell. So please help. You're getting something in return. A nice t-shirt that was once worn by me. But I'll wash it first, unless used clothes are your thing, then i'll go out and go for a jog in it and send it to you. Anyway, watch out for that in the next couple of days.

What's the point of drinking Slim Fast if you're going to eat a danish with it?

August 22, 2001

I miss my sweet Angie. I hope she's okay. She told me about Ginger Spice's book..you know her real name, but I get a lot of search engine hits looking for her shoot in a certain adult magazine and well, search engine results creep me out sometimes. But I think they're actually looking for the chick from Survivor with the same name who also posed for the same magazine. I heard she had weird nipples though. Anyway, her book is sooooo good. I haven't been able to put it down since I got it. I love reading about people in the business, their life stories, only because my life is so dull. When I do get my writing thing going, and I get approached by some big publishing house to do my auto biography, I won't have much to tell I don't think. Maybe i'll have a torrid love affair with some rock start that I can tell people about. How he writes all his songs about me.I read THIS BOOK over the weekend. And she says that Elvis Costello wrote a bunch of songs about her. Is she having a Carly Simon moment or like did he really write songs about her? I don't doubt it. That's fuckin' cool though. She was his muse. Sweet. The book is really good though. I'm too wrapped up into celebs and their tales of woe lately. But, I see myself going "Oh..I know that song. It's about me, you know." and i'll have this real smug look on my face and toss my hair real pretty like, if I don't in a moment of rage decide to chop it off. That friend of mine who comes to see me five days every month is here. Crud. But, I have this thing where I think everyone..like I read too much into things, and I always think people are talking about me, or pointing the finger at me. But usually they are, and they kill me when they try to deny it and make me out as being a paranoid bitch.There's something I can write about "You know, I was really paranoid in my late teens and early twenties." Fuck. I'll just get a ghostwriter.

(See what copying and pasting from Notepad gets you. Argh.)

More signs of my semi paranoia. My start page is Yahoo. They have the banner ads. Every time I sign on, I see the Nutrisystem ad. Like it's telling me "Lose weight, big girl!" or something. I wouldn't pay anyone to tell me to exercise and eat healthier though. That's crazy. I feel better now that i've cut dairy out of my diet, though seeing Kurt Angle drive to the ring on a milk truck Monday night on Raw, (Though the image of Steph covered in milk..I swear she's making me like girls..Work it, Dairy Queen. Don't ever, ever, sing again though.) didn't help. I started craving a nice tall glass of chocolate milk and a blondie then,and Shawn Stasiak. Mmmm..Meat. He's my new boyfriend. Y2J, it's been a nice two years though.) I can't digest most dairy products properly anyway, with me being lactose intolerant and all. I like chocolate milk, but I hate white milk. Yuck. But i'll get all bloated and sick if I down a glass of the brown stuff. My grandfather is a big fan of Soy Milk, and I can digest it if it's in a shake or mixed with fruit or something. Not on its own. Bleh. Same for rice milk. I'll try to do meat..really do meat next. I always say i'm going to stop eating meat, then I go and have a hamburger or a piece of baked chicken or something. Maybe i'll go to bread or something easier, but that would mean giving up cake. I love birthday cake. That's my weakness. I love when people don't pick up their cakes from the bakery and they have to cut the slices and sell them. Yum. I'm not too big on frosting, but something about a piece of soft, fluffy, yellow cake drives me crazy.

"Thank you, Sara. May I have another?" DDP stars in Animal House 2. If that's the wrong movie, i'm going to feel really small...

I'm going to go buy me a Powerball ticket. 250 Million I hear it's up to now. My moms said she wouldn't quit her job. Bullfrigginshit! That would be the very first thing I did. Hell, I wouldn't even quit. I'd just not show up ever again. That woudld rule. Or i'd show up and tell the girl behind me to kiss my rich ass and throw her a twenty to oxycute those zits on her face. That was childish and mean. I know. But i'd be filthy, stinking rich. And those who think i'm childish could kiss my rich ass too. Or I could just wait for Mr. Trust Fund Baby eh, D. Heh.

Color me forgetful. TIFFANY is from Maryland, just like me. Maryland chicks are the bestest.

Okay, so D is a very, very, good friend of mine. My best online friend. I shouldn't even consider her an online friend anymore because she is so much above that and I love her like a sister. Angie too. Now if they dislike someone, chances are I will too. Even if I don't know them, and they've done nothing to me, i'll dislike them. In theory..there I go trying to sound smart again...I wish people would stop trying to sound smart and talk english sometimes. If I have to have dictionary.com open in another window when i'm reading your page, chances are I won't come back. My one hit makes no difference, of course. But i'm a simple girl of simple means and i'll probably write childrens books or for some Nick Jr. show because they don't have to use a lot of big assed words. But, In theory that's wrong, but it's loyalty. To me it is. That doesn't make me a follower or a farm animal used to make sweaters. I'm not a Lamb. Mariah Carey's fans are called lambs..she has a Mariah to English dictionary on her site, I think that explains that. I am not a sheep either. So sometimes it may not be a personal thing, but because you feel this certain loyalty to your friends, it would be really weird for me to sit and conversate with someone they have ill feelings towards. This isn't sounding like I want it to. People have it in their heads that because certain friends of mine don't get along with them, then I don't either. I guess that's true to an extent. But some of these people actually are assholes, and my friends not liking you has nothing to do with me not liking you at all. You're just a moron. But on the other hand, there are people that some of my friends don't get along with, that I really do like, or they've just stopped talking to me because well, i'm associated with someone who doesn't like them... so there's a bunch of grey area there. Argh. I hate trying to sound like I really know what the hell i'm talking about. I guess the thing is, don't speak for me, and don't assume things. I am capable of thinking for myself and making my own decisions. I can't stand it when people assume i'm weak or a pussy or whatever because i'm not going off every five minutes on someone and shit. It isn't fair. Then it's so weird, when people who were friends..I guess that's where I was trying to go with this..they have fights and you get caught in the middle, and people get mad if you don't take their side on things, even when they're wrong. You feel like you have to because you don't want to seem disloyal. But sometimes i'll admit, I do disagree on things but i'm trying to be Switzerland and it's failing I think. But then again, like before, sometimes people are Grade A dickazoids and they assume that you're taking sides. Oh shut up, C. I'm confusing the hell out of myself here. In conclusion, don't assume things, okay? Just don't.

August 20, 2001

The girl behind me..it was her scheduled off day..why is she here? I think she just came in to torture me. Yeah, me and my extreme paranoia. But she will hopefully stay away from her desk long enough to let me finish this entry without her whispering to her friends "She's on the internet ALL DAY", like she'll say those first four words real quiet, then get real loud on the last two to make sure I hear them. Yeah, I hear ya. But I'm not listening. Her dislike for me is just off the hook, or I'm really so vain that I think people dislike me and it's just maybe that i'm such a dick that hey, the girl could really hate me and not be jealous of my boobies of me. I don't think it's jealousy, I don't know, and I don't care, but I need to place a sign on my forehead, to maybe cover up that dark spot I can't get rid of, that says "I don't want your job, wench. Bugger off." or something. And I appreicate the whole concept of email more and more right about now. You don't have to go around to people's desk and catch a whiff of attitude when you speak to them. I swear to goodness. I'm really starting to think it's me and not them. Not that I enjoy taking the blame for things, but still. I hate playing the "What did I do? What can I do to make things more comfortable for you?" role a la Bunky from BB2. Fuck that. I'm all for harmony in the work place, but i'm not for the fucking attitude from two pushing 30 year olds..is there a nice word for cunts...with children and sticks up their asses. When D comes over to the states, we will find our rich men so we will never have to work again and put up with the likes of her. Or hopefully i'll just have another job really soon. I could go into another job and it could be thousands of times worse than this one is. I'll take my chances and assume that no place is worse than here.

Anyway, I didn't order Summer Slam. Theory: Watch Raw the night after and then order it on Tuesday when they do the replay if it's any good. Hundreds of dollars I could have saved over the years if I would have come up with this stunning theory a long time ago. I'm trying really hard not to read the spoilers and wait until tonight to see what happened. Give me strength...

And off topic, like anything ever really is on topic here lately, I Fuckin hate Vanilla Fields. Do they still make that stuff or has this girl in my office been holding on to her bottle since 95? I also have a case of potty mouth that I can't get rid of. I think it's because i've stopped smoking that i'm so ready to give someone a swift kick to the throat all the time. I'm pretty flexible, and I can do it gotdamit. It's the smoking or me deciding that I want to live healthy and stop eating everything that tastes really good, and work out and all that good stuff. I'd sell my soul for a big slice of pizza and a big ol soda right about now. I've given up dairy products though, and i've decided that dairy products keep me sane. Pass the Cool Whip, muthafucka. I don't think that's real dairy though.

Watching my exes number pop up on my caller ID at home and on my cell more times than I can count and me not picking it up..big step for me. I know it seems kinda twisted and mean, but I really enjoyed him chasing me all weekend. I liked avoiding his calls, and it somehow made me feel kinda strong. He now is getting an idea of how i've been feeling for the past five years. The minute I pick up the phone, it'll be like the power is gone..does this not seem really fucked up to you? I'm not trying to be a dick on purpose..not exactly. This isn't coming out like I wanted. Like I wanted to come across like some warrior princess type "I don't need a man. Now let me go do a spinning heel kick and throw my ring of fire." or something. It just feels great knowing that hey, I can actually do better than him and I don't need his sucka ass anymore. Booker T, stop making me steal your catchphrases. You're scaring me. What's also really funny is how guys will go..I meet other guys and they in some way or another find out about me and my ex , probably because I'll go on and on about how much of an assclot he is and that I don't want to deal with someone like him, and they'll go "Oh girl. You don't need him. You don't deserve that. You're better than that. I hate to see you hurt like this." Then turn around and do the exact same shit he did. I do not get the logic of that at all. I do, but it's funny how they'll go through all that effort to get what they want. I think the "Most girls know if they're going to sleep with you within five minutes of meeting you." thing is true. And if I need confirmation of that, i'll just look at your shoes. I wish guys would wear nicer shoes.

I have no idea what's going on at the Big Brother house anymore. I feel really empty inside now. I would try to watch The Real World, but I can go on someone's page, anyones page, and read about the drama between those people. And from what I read, i'd rather stick to Big Brother. I'm going to be a crying mess when that show is over. Who's life will I be all up in then?

I wish Zoloft came in patch form...

GREYMATTER MAKES ME RANDY.
copyright 2001 huny y. for chanel g.