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Tuesday, September 11, 2001
Well, unless you've been under a rock, there was a terrorist attack on New York and D.C. The word that keeps being thrown around by these politicians is "cowardly". I have a different one - selfish. It's fairly easy to point the finger at the Bin Laden organization with this one. The thing thing kills me is how selfish these idiots are. In case they haven't noticed, the vast fucking majority of people in this country don't give a flying fuck about your religious beliefs and your stupid war. It amazes me that people would think we fucking care. This shows just how "effective" democracy is in the 21st century. We let this tiny tiny sliver of the American population run our country, and in particular, a complete moron for a President who only got in because of his Daddy. This guy pissed off the sliver of some other population that's crazy enough to kill us for their beliefs. So, at best, we have a few thousand people responsible for endangering the lives of billions of people. Gee, that's not selfish, is it? Again, WE DON'T CARE! Christ, why would anyone be that fucking adamant about something they've never truly encountered? Saturday, September 08, 2001
I keep posting and then forgetting to upload the damn thing. Let's see if the upload beats out the whiskey and coke effect this time. SO, where to begin. I'm having some difficulty with this whole ordeal. Amber walked back into my life and I don't know what's going to happen. I'm reminiscient and kind of out of it in general. Amber's husband is of course not ok with this whole thing, so I'm kind of stuck in the middle of this with no real justifiable reason to talk to her when it doesn't directly concern Amora. It's kind of like 1999 has decided it wants a second turn and all of this is coming back around again. I find myself listening to BNL and not getting pissed (strange in and of itself), buying Nutter Butters and B&J Chubby Hubby ice cream at the store, wanting to go back to Oregon, buying books from Powell's and the worst part is my career is seemingly taking a nosedive back to where it was in 1999 because of how fucked up the market in general is, coupled with this lame ass good ol' boy network and retarded job requirements around here. (wow that was a hell of a run on sentence) Oooh, another hurricane. Erin go bragh! Errr.. I don't think that's what they had in mind. Sunday, September 02, 2001
Wednesday, August 22, 2001
I can't even believe I'm doing this. This is fucked up; this is not supposed to happen. The trap - the eternal trap - has been tripped, and from this trip my life will change forever. What will it be? How long can I hold out? Some of the most incredible moments in my life spilled forth on the written page like the proverbial water under the bridge, and all it can mean. Things I never knew mattered to anyone but me are suddendly in my face with the same decadent fascination I display - from the other polarity - but with entirely different meanings and memories. And my apologies to Claire Danes... Tuesday, August 21, 2001
Har har har! Or something. I've been obsessing over this band quite a bit: Death Cab for Cutie. This song is cool, as is this one and this one. They're playing in Minneapolis on 10/17, Milwaukee on 10/18 and Chicago on 10/19. Wednesday, August 15, 2001
I need to stop ignoring certain things. Sunday night I went grocery shopping pretty late. I came home, got out of my Jeep, proceeded to the rear of the vehicle to open the hatch and retrieve my groceries. As I came to the back of the Jeep I noticed a peculiar scent; I stopped to try and figure out what it was that I was smelling. The scent was familiar to the point of annoyance - the scent of fresh rain and evergreens without the interference of the city and all of it's awful odors - but the familiarity was unsettling. All at once, it came to me. This was the smell of the campground at Crater Lake, Oregon. That was a trip I try both to forget and never let go of. I wore my heart on my sleeve that week and did something that seemed perfectly natural, new, uneasy, intimate and not of this Earth. I gave up my identity and gave myself to fast become not Derek, as in Derek Dolan, but Derek as in Derek and Amber. I proposed to the woman I thought I would be with forever. There's a part of me that's still attached to that dream - it's was and still is like a dream because it never seemed to really happen. Weeks of preparation for a semi-spontaneous occasion where I had no idea when or where I would propose that Amber and I would spend the rest of our lives together as husband and wife... all to be thrown away in just shy of a month when Amber decided that there would be no Derek and Amber; there would be no eternity, no marriage, no celebration, no future together. There would be years of uncomfortable silences, uneasy conversation and unsettling dreams of what could have been. I didn't ask for this skewed reality - it was handed to me. Here is the eternity, here is the comfort, here is the reality: nothing will be comfortable except being uncomfortable and never knowing when and where this reality will be turned upside down and the sting of what used to be is pounded into our hearts like so many thousands of needles trying to stitch together the fabric of a love that can never be, yet cannot die. This is my gift. Eternal, black, rotting and full of self-deception. Can we be happy? Will it ever work? Is there enough compromise in the world to make this more than just a fix? We're both junkies, and that will never change no matter what facade we choose to wear. Wednesday, August 08, 2001
Jesus H I haven't posted here for a while. Ankle sore. Damn rocks. Saturday, July 21, 2001
Friday, July 06, 2001
Well. My uncle Paul died. He had all sorts of shit wrong with him, and had been on a respirator for a couple of weeks now. Not fun. I would imagine I'll be going to Nashville for the funeral before I go to Vegas next week. It fucking sucks when people in your family die - especially when you have kids too. I know I'm not invincible, but thinking about Paul's kids having to go to their Dad's funeral has kind of put me in my place. On a brighter note, here's a little teensy bit of a song I started working on. It's just the drum track, though. Thursday, July 05, 2001
Thursday, June 28, 2001
Well, today is officially my first full day of being unemployed. I'm bored. There's a shitload of things I need to do, but there's only so much I want to do. I have to clean this that and the other thing, study, study, work some jobs to pay bills other than rent and the car payment, do the yardwork, blah blah blah. Right now, I'm content just sitting outside, getting a tan and going back and forth between studying OSPF and writing BS like this. Fortunately, I have this wonderful thing called 802.11b wireless ethernet, so I can still waste time on the computer, even though I'm outside. What a wonderful technological world we live in. Although I must say it sucks when beads of sweat drip onto your glasses. It's 84 degrees, partly (mostly) sunny, 51% humidity. Not much of a breeze, but it's livable. My candyland melted down to syrup while I watched the water roll down... Sunday, June 24, 2001
Moltar? Moltar? Mooolllltar? I watch too much Space Ghost. Where else can you watch angry animated mantises? (Mantices?) Hmm. So my current dilemma, other than being drunk, is whether to buy a sweet '87 944S now or wait it out until I figure out the job situation and buy a 911. I love having dilemmas like this. Wednesday, June 20, 2001
Agent Sharine B: participating in the customer session... Agent Sharine B: Thank you for choosing Road Runner Technical Chat. My name is Sharine , could I have the first and last name and phone number starting with the area code as well as the Road Runner e-mail address of the master account holder please? ME: Derek Dolan, (920) 733-6354, ddolan@new.rr.com Agent Sharine B: Thank you, what technical issue may we assist you with? ME: I've been having problems with my cable modem ceasing to function properly with no visible indicator of the problem (no change in status lights etc). I had it replaced about 2 months ago and the problem started out once per week or so, and now it's progressed to every couple of days. i've contacted RR help about this before and they keep giving me the "it's your TCP/IP stack" answer, which isn't the case. ME: i've eliminated that as a problem via using multple PCs running win98, win2k, FreeBSD and Linux, some on the same machine. Agent Sharine B: When this happens, the cable light does not start to flash on the cable modem? ME: no, everything appears as normal on the cable modem itself Agent Sharine B: Are you using a hub, router or firewall? ME: then i power cycle the modem and it begins working again ME: i have the cable modem and firewall connected via a switch, but i've also taken that out of the loop for troubleshooting purposes Agent Sharine B: Are you using a hub, router or firewall? Agent Sharine B: Currently, are you connected directly to the cable modem? ME: i am currently behind a firewall which is connected to the same switch as the cable modem. Agent Sharine B: The only thing that you need to do to regain the connection is to powercycle the cable modem, is this correct? ME: yes Agent Sharine B: Does the connection drop while you are browsing the Internet? ME: sometimes, yes. other times it will drop on it's own, then i'll try to connect to site and discover the problem Agent Sharine B: Which operating system (Windows 95,98,NT, Mac OS) are you using? ME: as stated before, win98, win2k, freebsd and linux Agent Sharine B: Which one are you in currently? ME: win98 Agent Sharine B: Could you click on START then RUN and type winipcfg then click OK. ME: i'm behind a firewall. that isn't going to help. earlier today i had my win2k laptop connected to the hub/cable modem combo and couldn't obtain an IP address from your DHCP server until i power cycled the cable modem Agent Sharine B: We need to check the lease of your IP address. Are you able to select the ethernet adapter from the list then click on MORE INFO? ME: hello? private IP address space? firewall? do you want me to connect a machine directly to the cable modem/hub and try this? ME: i think you'll get a lot more useless information from that, as opposed to what my internal DHCP server has to say about the lease times. Agent Sharine B: Yes please. ME: useful, rather Agent Sharine B: Please connect the computer directly to the cable modem. ME: i will connect it to the hub. if i connect it directly to the cable modem, this chat session will cease. Agent Sharine B: Unfortunately, in order to troubleshoot this issue we do require you to connect directly to the cable modem. ME: then how do you propose we continue this chat session? Agent Sharine B: Once the modem is attached directly to the cable modem please contact us again and we will further investigate this issue. ME: so i get to explain this over again for a 3rd time? fun! how do i escallate an issue to someone who can actually troubleshoot a problem without a script? Agent Sharine B: I am going to give you a reference number so that you do not need to re-explain this issue. One moment please. Agent Sharine B: The refernece number is 5614889. We will be able to look at this chat session from that number and therefore you will not need to go through everything again. ME: thank you. Tuesday, June 19, 2001
Monday, June 18, 2001
For god's sake, TAKE THE TAG OFF! Man I hate it when girls don't cut the stupid tag off the back of their thongs. Ok, well that's about all I had to say. Well, except that Travis and I are compiling our top 100 songs of the 1990's. Go check it out. Saturday, June 09, 2001
Why is Xircom so lame? I hope Intel gives em a good ass whoopin so they get their shit together. Every time I've needed Xircom drivers in the past year, their website has been down. This time they have it down FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKEND. I went there and actually caught the "If you can read this, it means that the installation of the Red Hat Secure Web Server software on this system was successful". Too bad that machine doesn't want to screen capture... I went for a bike ride a little while ago. I figured hey, what better thing to do at 5 AM on a Saturday than go for a bike ride?? I'm still debating on whether or not I should even go to bed. Fuggit. mp*: Underworld - Cowgirl
Horray! 943 on the switching exam! On the bad side, I can't fucking sleep. I went to bed around 10:30, woke up around 1:00. It's currently quarter to four, and I'm just barely beginning to be tired again. This seems to happen when I get really drunk early in the day... so perhaps I should stop downing pitchers of Leinie's Red before 8 PM. I really hate Windows NT. The setup process is so fucking convoluted it's sickening. About 45 minutes to an hour to just get the OS installed, another 2-3 hours to get all the device drivers working (if your machine is newer than circa 1995) because you have to reboot 400,000 times. Blah, stupid ass NT. Fuck a Microsoft. Thursday, June 07, 2001
HIT FOR CHEESE!&3%&P^(^)P^(PUYO@%$O% Jesus H Christ, I hate tests. I hate studying for them a lot. I also can't believe how many more of these bastards I have to take this year. At least 3 more after tomorrow just to get my CCNP, then I either need to go for a DA/DP or an NP specialization. Eek. I'm glad I have much lower expectations for my CCIE. 5 years for that bastard, and I'm in no hurry to get there early. mp*: In Slaughter Natives - Sacred Worms Tuesday, June 05, 2001
Some idiot at Firstar somehow forwarded me an email with this, this and this attached. Not only did I get sent internal financial data, but they sent it to my unpublished Road Runner email address. mp* of the day: Big Black - Tiny, King of the Jews Sunday, May 27, 2001
Previous to my drooling over the Eve and Gwen Stefani video that was just on, I was looking over the basement before heading upstairs. I have moved to a new level of geekdom. I don't just have some PCs and a cable modem. I don't even just have some servers and a cable modem connected to a hub. I have a heirarchical switching model (core/distribution/access layers), a shitload of routers, actual server-class servers... all I need now is a multihomed Internet connection and I'll be set. Thursday, May 10, 2001
I'm sick as hell. This sucks. There was a dumb Mercedes commercial on a moment ago. Interesting point, though: what would you take on the ark today? Saturday, May 05, 2001
Justin and I went and saw Fear Factory tonight. I've got a couple of issues I'd like to talk about regarding the show. We got there right before the opening band played. They started their set, we made our way up front and I got my first introduction to the subject of my hatred for the evening. There was this chick - whom I refer to as 'chick' because she doesn't deserve to be called a woman, lady or even a girl - at the front of the stage that anytime someone would bump into her after being shoved forward from the mosh pit would either elbow, kick or shove back into the pit. My after observing about 4 songs of this shit, I wondered why the fuck anyone would sit at the front of a stage and have a major tiff with being bumped into by someone getting shoved around in a mosh pit directly behind them. She did this all the way through the first band's set, then the second and I'll get to Fear Factory in a moment. There was a guy in the small circle pit behind the front row or two of people at the front of the stage - he was kind of rude about moshing but no worse than some of my best friends whom I would not say are assholes by any stretch of the imagination. This was during the first band, then he was up in the non-circular pit for the 2nd band next to Justin and myself. He said a couple of things to us just for the sake of conversation and I thought he reminded me of Ryan, so he was allright. Fear Factory took forever to set up to the tune of about 45 minutes. People were getting impatient and I was predicting a pretty nasty uproar when they actually started playing. Of course that's how it happened and the bald dude from the circle pit ended up next to us again. He had a friend with him who was pretty fucked up, so after a while Justin and I kind of helped him keep his friend from getting killed. Well, we ended up right behind the bitch who kept hitting everyone in the pit, and she was even nastier during this set than the first two bands. She ended up shoving the bald guy and kicked him in the balls after he started talking shit to her for shoving him, which is just out of fucking line. She had been doing this all fucking night, and everyone around us in the 2nd and 3rd rows appeared to be pretty sick of it. So after that, the guy's friend kept shoving himself into her intentionally and it got pretty heated with her shoving people around. Then this dumbfuck that appeared to be there with Roxanne and Pete from Razor 94.7 decided to step in and do the "back off, she's cool, she's with me" bullshit. Well, I don't know what this guy's interpretation of cool was, because I thought she was a straight up cunt to put it nicely. Everyone around us then made it a point to shove her as hard as fucking possible with about 10 of us versus the 3 guys that were now standing up for her. The dude's friend shoved her again and she punched him in the face. Fucking lame. So dude gets in her face, grabs her by the hair and starts swinging. Again, the dumbfucks step in and some other bleached blonde dork pulls dude back. I would guess that the bald guy either left or got kicked out after that. Here's my key points regarding this fucking lame situation: 1. If you don't want to be in the mosh pit, DON'T STAND FRONT FUCKING CENTER STAGE AGAINST THE FENCE. Tuesday, May 01, 2001
I think I've stopped believing in true love. I'm not sure. It doesn't seem to make any sense anymore. Sunday, April 29, 2001
Eeeevil! Well I had a good weekend. I biked a lot. New bike = good. I don't think I did much else, other than go to the lake with Justin and Carmen. We biked for a while and then had a romantic picnic that I apparently wasn't invited to by 1/2 of that couple, but it all worked out when Carmen kicked me in the elbow. I also got a big plastic playground slide from Nick, but my dad and I have to build the other part of it. That should be an adventure. Travis is moving back, which is cool. I am going to set up a VPN connection to his place and fuck that up a bit. Should make for an interesting network. O Canada sucks, I'm going to bed.
Fuck a Gateway Country! Maybe someday OfficeMax will figure out that THEY are the problem, not the myriad kiosks/shops they set up in the stores. Saturday, April 28, 2001
Yay! Under the Influence of Meat Puppets! I don't have a whole lot to say except I'm sort of sleepy and sort of Guinnessified. Ho-ray! Oh yeah, and I became an official John Chambers lackey today by passing my CCNA exam. Thursday, April 26, 2001
I just discovered why electric razors are such popular gifts for men. THEY'RE FUCKING EXPENSIVE! I saw one that was $108! Jesus H, $108 or $8 for a pack of refill blades?? I got an $80 Braun for $65, thanks to a sale, but I still feel cheated. Bastards! Wednesday, April 25, 2001
Doot doot dee doooooo. Amora's eating breakfast. I'm listening to Static-X and watching some lame ass McDonald's commerical on Nick. Blue's Clues is on again. Steve needs a haricut. This is my amazing life in the morning. Tuesday, April 24, 2001
Hole-E shit, I had some physical activity this evening. I decided to bring my freestyle bike back from the dead. For those who care, it's a fucked up GT Performer frame (circa 1988) with an old haro fork with baco pegs welded on, a baco "custom" sprocket (GT wing model painted black with an old ass baco designs sticker), Peregrine HP-48 rims, ACS rotor & headset, no idea about the handlebars and some odyssey brakes and other miscellaneous parts I'm not sure about since I've been out of flatland riding for so damn long. Apparently, there is a level of celebrity surrounding the Baco Boys that surpasses the crap that was going around about them 6 years ago when I was still riding. Mr. Chad DeGroot has moved to Orlando and is quite the contest winner as per usual. Hilson and Rye are still in Appleton. One of the watering holes I occasionally stop in at is apparently the second home of Mr. Rye. Interesting. Hilson's the only one I knew fairly well, oddly enough. Anyway, they've managed to get some good old fashioned orgy pictures on the web in the true baco style - from Krt's bachelor party, at that. Man. I don't even know what to say to that.
I wish people weren't retarded, and I also wish I didn't live in such a small area. One of my ex's (Girl A) called me today bitching at me because she ran into a girl I went out with *twice* (Girl B) who happens to work at the coffee shop I go to every morning. Anyway, one of the other female types who works there is one of Girl A's old friends and hence knows me from dating Girl A, but is best friends with Girl B. So, to make a long story horribly complicated, my Girl A is pissed at me because Girl B gave her the "oh, so YOU'RE Derek's ex girlfriend" treatment. Jesus H Christ, is this stupid or what?? Girl B blew me off for like 3 months while she dated some 34 year old theatre dork, all of a sudden asks me out again a couple of weeks ago, and I end up drunk at her house while we watch Dogma and she falls asleep on me (literally). I see her and she barely talks to me, yet gets all pissy poo when meeting Girl A. The fuck?! Monday, April 23, 2001
np: Ulver - Dead City Centres Yeah! And your mom too! I sit and sip my 3rd Newcastle of the evening. I don't see beauty in anything anymore. My back hurts from sitting on this couch so damn much for the past few days while I attempt to study. Bastards, all of you. Some jackass in a miscellaneous red Oldsmobile tried to race me from a stoplight this evening, then proceeded to drive about 20 MPH just to attempt to piss me off. God, why? The fuck?! Get a life, you dork. If racing people from a stoplight is the highlight of the day, maybe you should move to Madison where you can drive UP and DOWN East Washington to your heart's content every single fucking night of your miserable life. Anyway, I'm having a hard time justifying anything I do lately. It's all stupid, it's all inane. And I just repeatedly typed the letter "C" even though it's nowhere to be found in inane. Damn it! I just did it again. I need a C. How about a B? I just knocked over my daughter's teacup. If it were real, and she were awake, I bet she'd be pissed. My mom gave me a bunch of my old report cards tonight. Let's bust out a couple of them. "Derek needs to foster a more positive attitude" If I didn't know better, I'd say that was my last performance review at work. I hate dealing with stupid people, and always have. When approximately 1% of your class isn't below you, it's kind of hard to relate and want to participate in a group. Gee, here we go with the same thing at work. 1988... 2001.. same difference. Fuck it.
Holy lack of motivation, batman! I have never trampled across a less interesting subject than IP subnetting. Fucking shit is it boring if you're not sickeningly fascenated with math. After about 500 reads, class C subnetting made sense. THEN I tried to move on to Class A and B subnetting. My brain hurts now. Bad mistake, I tell you. Anyway. I am so uninterested in studying. I'm pretty sure I'd be useless in college, perhaps it's best that I do not go. I'd much rather have this stuff beaten into my head at work than try to digest it all over the course of a week at my own volition, none the less. Maybe I'd survive in a classroom, but this is amazingly difficult since I couldn't stand studying the entire time I had to for school, and now I'm trying to do it for my own personal reasons. So moving on to non-technical jargon laden bullshit, the loverly Kaeren has enlightened me on the wonder that is the Snoqualmie resort area. To recap - the pass is for ski type things, falls = resort, river is for sporty adventure type things. I learned something today! I'd like to take a moment to point out that KAER FUCKING ROCKS because she has never ever ever never ever given me any shit about anything, even when my stupid fucking fiancee at the time screwed me out of a visit because she didn't want to stop in Seattle. Thank you, dearie. Sheep! All of you! ARRRRRRRRRGGGHHH and stuff. If blogger had those mood face thingies, I think mine would just spin it's head and spit up green shit while sacrificing virgins. To sum it up, fuck ya'll mafuckas, except Kaeren cause she's special today. I'm going to try to digest another chapter before picking up the wee one. Sunday, April 22, 2001
Bobcat. Wow. John Tesh as an arch enemy. Beautiful. I am being in the excitedness-ness of to going to Defcon. Someday I shall return to Snoqualmie Pass. I'd like to see it at some time other than 1 AM only to leave ASAP in the morning. Saturday, April 21, 2001
And now, simply because I can... I am sitting on my front porch writing this entry, listening to Kaspar Weiss, which features an old friend of mine on bass whom I have lost track of completely. And here comes the shithead in the loud Volkswagen. Being outside has it's advantages and disadvantages... like the Volkswagen and the dipshit driving around in the red pickup with no headlights on. I wonder if he's going to do a drive-by. Ooooh. Please kill me. There are some interesting people out there with no idea that I find them interesting. Mr. Berners-Lee has done quite the job making this possible. Anyway, people I find interesting... there's this fine female specimen in Tex-Ass, who has a lovely layout for her website and enough weirdo-ness to do the job. Um. I think that's about it. You know (or quite possibly don't), I really should load ICQ up and chat with miss Abby, now that I have been reminded of Tex-Ass and all it's President Bush-spawning glory. Hmm. I need to put Amora's bike away. Souls! Damn, I can't link to it cause it's on Nix0rz b0x0r. Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee am so happy!O&#(O#))))). Well, not really. I am not being of liking this lifeless-ness-ness, as the an-gury scientist on SHEEP would say. Hrm. I wonder what the acronym generator thinks of SHEEP. Static Header Enhanced Expansion Protocol it is! Baa! Ok, anyway. This job-o-matic thing I have has officially pissed me off to the point of no return. So, if anyone from work is reading this, THIS WOULD BE THE PROVERBIAL WRITING ON THE BLOG, er, WALL. I am g0n3 as soon as humanly possible, otherwise I may explode or otherwise spontaneously combust. Evenflow as done by the Moog Cookbook is just fan-tastic is a very (ha!) Pet Shop Boys disco (ha! ha ha! ha ha ha ha!) sort of way. b0ldz0r!@$(&(((@$ TIMMAY! EEERRHH! I have a test. I haven't had to study for years now. Probably since I actually went to high school on a regular basis. I actually took off an entire week to study because I've been putting this off for so long, it was the only way to make sure I actually did it. My $100 is on the line with my former employer's testing division, so I better pass the damn thing up front. My boss isn't even sure that Moore will reimburse me the $100 for the test if I pass. Soooooooo... you want to advance your career and have your employer have something to do with it? HA!!! Oh well. I am wound so fucking tight I'm surprised I can sleep. 7 days of studying, 13 months wasted at Moore so far, my ever so loverly love life being what it is... Perhaps I should start studying the teachings ov Benny Stevens and his massive Kakaroon again. IT IS THEE WAY OV TRUE ENLIGHTENMENT! Or something. Yeah. Now that FSOL has calmed me a bit, I have pretty much run out of things to say. Sometime around 10:00 I was thinking, "damn, i should just go to bed". Now here I am, approximately 11:44 PM (CDT -0600). Fuck a time server! That reminds me. I was not able to get NTP sync to work on this workstation. Bastard. I had to NTP it up to ben.cs.wisc.edu and all it's GPS glory on my main web s3rv0r and netbios timesync to that and it finally took hold. Why can't this POS (not packet-over-SONET) talk to an NTP server such as timekeeper.isi.edu or ben.cs.wisc.edu? WHY?? Son of bitch! I have not put this Amon Tobin EP on senor server yet. The Roots Manuva version of Saboteur is r0xin my laptop speakaz. It's all ruff an sheeit... as we roll into psb liberation. Ouch. Moog Cookbook "Smells like teen spirit". Much better. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I found that Amon Tobin EP on my server. Saboteur!! I am happy now. Flex funk trunk junk. Tuesday, April 17, 2001
RAW! I'm starting to really hate my life. I've lost entirely too much control over my own destiny. I know I need to make the best of the situation, but this is really fucking bothering me. How do you deal with not being able to move somewhere when you want to, just because of some person you've been trying to get away from for the past year? This is insane, why the fuck can anyone else dictate what I do with my life? I just want to be able to pick up my daughter and all my shit, and get the FUCK out of here already. But no, I have to be nice and take other people's feelings into consideration. Yes, it's helpful to be nice to people. No, it's not helpful to fuck with someone's life to the point where they're stuck living around you for the next 15 god damn years. I will be 36 by the time I can get one of my ex girlfriends out of my life completely. The fuck?!? I wish she would have stuck with turning into a corporate bitch instead of becoming a stupid fucking housewife. At least then she might possibly understand what's going on. I'd like to take a moment to blame Centracor for ruining my fucking life. Everything sucks, and there's nothing I can do about it except give up some time with my daughter for peace of mind and a job I don't hate. My expenses will be way the fuck out of line, but at least if I spend 5 days per week in Minneapolis or Madison and the weekends in Appleton, I might possibly not want to kill every person that acts stupid around me or says dumb shit in my presence. I've fucking had it, there are too many stupid people in this world and there's about 900 of the bastards working at IBSG Wisconsin or whatever in the hell we're called this week. I don't care if you're not a technical person, just have a clue in general and know what the hell you're doing. If you're a salesperson, be good at sales. If you're a network engineer, be good at network engineering. If you're a manager, be good at managing. Don't fuck around and pretend you're technical when you're a manager and don't kiss everyone's ass unless you're a fucking sales rep and it's your job to do so. And then, at least do a good job kissing ass. Stupid fucking people, I tell you. Friday, April 13, 2001
Saturday, March 31, 2001
Bleh. I don't have anything useful to say again. I'm tired and feel like I'm drunk. I wish there was some certainty in my life. I'm fucking bored and I want to do something else, but I'm stuck and can't do anything about it. Oh well. I'll go to Guitar Center tomorrow. I'll play with some new stuff I can't find in Wisconsin and probably buy something... should make me feel better. Monday, March 26, 2001
Whee! I feel so un-prolific! I have had absolutely no ambition to do anything other than geek out lately. If I could spend forever building servers (preferably Windows 2000, I'm starting to hate NT 4.0 more and more every day), adding internet circuits and configuring routers and switches, life would appear to be good. Maybe it's the new job looming on the horizon... I wouldn't want to walk in there and feel stupid, or worse yet, have everyone else think I'm stupid. Who knows, that job might not even happen anyway. Either way, I'm pretty well bored with my job now. There's only a handful of things left to do before I am done with this project (a year and a half on one project, sheesh..), then I will be completely and totally fucking bored unless I can rip out those ATM switches and start playing with them or start the disaster recovery analysis thing. So yeah, I'd be pretty well set if I could just sit in my basement learning ATM and drinking beer, but alas, I doubt it will happen that way. I will have to go to work in my stupid "business-casual" outfits, sit around listening to stupid people talk about stupid things, troubleshoot stupid desktop issues that somehow get routed to me by stupid people and otherwise hate my job. But at least I'll have a bunch of ATM switches to break over and over again until I understand LAN emulation and SVC stuff. Maybe I can wear headphones and put up a big FYM sign and hope no one bothers me. It would be great if I could move to some other area of the building where there aren't any IT people. [system of a down][tears for fears][doors][rentals][ben folds five] Wednesday, March 21, 2001
I wish people would remember where they come from. You can take the kid out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the kid. Friday, March 16, 2001
Hmm... BGP. I need to start playing with load balancing now. I got route redistribution working. Once I get this worked out, time for IS-IS redist into BGP. Sunday, March 11, 2001
I SAW WEEZER AND YOU DIDN'T! That had to be the best show I've gone to in a *long* time. The Get Up Kids were great too... plus (!!!!) they played Surrender with the singer and guitarist from CHEAP TRICK!! Yes, Cheap fucking Trick played with The Get Up Kids in Milwaukee at the Weezer show! The whole show just reaffirmed that Rivers Cuomo is my hero. Wednesday, March 07, 2001
Friday, March 02, 2001
I can't sleep. Ergh. I did get my Alesis Microverb III today. Haven't hooked it up yet, though. now playing: ulver My boss and I had a discussion today about a number of things, and in an exchange of honest comments I told him just how sick I am of working there and that I will be leaving when this migration project is done, if not sooner. He said I was making it difficult for him to justify a raise for me because I was being difficult overall. I pretty much told him to deal with it and not bother trying to get me a raise because I don't plan on sticking around. I did my year of "wait it out and see if it gets better" and I'm still getting bent over every time I get a paycheck. So unless some magic change happens or they just fire anyone with manager, director, vice-, or cheif in their title (not unlikely), I've officially had it. now playing: apples in stereo Anyway, I don't have a whole lot else to say. I think I'm going to hit eBay now and try to find a new 6 string guitar. now playing: sevendust Sunday, February 25, 2001
Wednesday, February 21, 2001
I had a little too much caffine today. 36 oz. of mocha. 48 oz. of fountain Coke. 10 Penguin mints. *shake* Saturday, February 17, 2001
I have finally found a personal site with something to say that makes me feel at least a little bit better about what I'm doing with my life and how I choose to live it. Suburban Gothic reads like a slightly distorted mirror of my life. I was never really goth, I've never even been to Texas, I only have one daughter and I'm not female.. so there's some differences, but there's some disturbingly close similarities. If you know me, read everything on the site and think for approximately half a second before realizing what I saw in this site. It brings some skeletons out of the closet for me, probably more than I'd like to admit. Eventually I will deal with some of these things. I'm not quite sure how long it will take, but I'll get there. Here's what's in my head right now. Are you breathing? I love the ride in the chorus. Friday, February 16, 2001
I like trying to hum along with new rock songs. At least you can actually do it to "one step closer". Knowing the background to that song makes me feel a little better. Apparently it's about their ex-manager who was annoying the piss out of them, not Chester's ex-gf who was annoying the hell out of him. Anyway, I have a new female companion type thing. Her name is Heather. She is quite cool and much more intelligent than me. She's into all sorts of crazy Latin and Greek things that I don't understand. She has Dr. Seuss' Cat in the Hat in Latin. And it rhymes! So I don't know what else to say about that subject. I'm just going to enjoy life and see where it leads us. I've pretty much given up hope at work. I have one project. It's the same project I've been working on for the last year. It's the only project I'll be working on until June or July. In the meantime my coworkers will do other projects that will have major oversights since they don't seem to think anything through before they do it. Our entire manufacturing process depends on a single NetWare 4.12 server running the crappy Novonyx web server that comes with it. They're planning on upgrading this to NetWare 5.1 and didn't even think about the web server portion. That's all fine and dandy, except the printing presses obtain the printing data via HTTP from the Novonyx web server. Duh, slight problem. Monday, February 05, 2001
It's hard to hum along with Coal Chamber. It's even harder to relay that in text, so here you go. Kill the man, become the monster. I really like the fact that my PC is no longer crashing every 2 minutes. Thank you HP repair. So I have one more day left here before I go to Minneapolis for a little bit. Very little, I might add. I'm pretty anxious because I'd really like to get the fuck out of here (permanently) right about now. I'm seriously beginning to hate my job, I'm sick of the vast majority of people here except a very select few, and most of them are one foot out the door themselves. Minneapolis keeps popping up in various conversations and fucked up interpersonal things, so I'm pretty much taking it as a sign or a bad omen... so I gots about a 50/50 chance there. I am going to snap if I hear one more dumb fucking comment at work about why we shouldn't migrate to Windows 2000 Professional on all the desktops. We're actually getting suggestions from our applications developers to move to Windows 98 or Windows ME. HELLO!!! Are you fucking retarded or what? Win98/ME = consumer product. Win2k = enterprise desktop OS. The lazy fucks don't want to learn how to code properly for a real operating system (not an operating environment like Win98), so they actually make suggestions like this and "if we never upgrade from Win95 and Office 97 SR-1, we'll save the company over $2 million dollars over the next two years!". Maybe if these people had the slightest concept of what an enterprise IT shop is supposed to be run like, I might wait at least half a fucking second before wanting to bitch slap them, but as it stands, they are complete fucking morons and that's all there is to it. Add to all this that we're being forced to do time tracking now, and I'm about ready to snap. Friday, February 02, 2001
Paranoid=good! I took the HVT method of thinking and saved myself some trouble. I got the "let's be friends" bit today. Fucking lame, I tell you. I wish people would be honest with others. I mean, really, like that statement means anything other than what everyone expects it to mean. Cake put it this way: to me, coming from you, friend is a four letter word. I think that needs to be taken a step further because when have you heard that and actually had it happen? It's complete bullshit 99.999999% of the time. On the bright side, I was expecting it so it didn't kill me. The only problem is I think the reasoning was a complete load of shit. Something along the lines of "my life is hectic... blah blah blah... don't want to get too involved... blah blah... don't want things to move too quickly... blah blah blah... have to think about your daughter, I don't want to hurt her... blah blah blah". Then someone tells me she had some little fling with someone. Jesus H Christ, when did having a kid disqualify me from the fuck and run deal?!? It's not like I said hi I'm Derek and I want to marry you and have lots of children. Try hi I'm Derek, I have a kid, hope that's not a big deal because you don't need to meet her for us to have meaningless, lust-filled sex. Wednesday, January 31, 2001
ARGH. I want to stop this. I hate beating myself senseless in my own head. I am way too paranoid for my own good. Monday, January 29, 2001
Sunday, January 28, 2001
Ok, this is the point where I'm almost ready to give up. I've put way too much into other people and gotten fucked, so I'm not going to screw around this time. So this is definite plans on Friday and tonight that never materialized, along with tentative plans for Thursday night. Fuck it. If I can't get some sort of answer as to what the hell is going on, I'm not going to bother. I don't care if she's busy, but when it gets to the point where I don't want to tell my daughter that we're doing something with her because she always breaks plans, then it's pretty much gone too far. I usually take things with a grain of salt, but when it involves my daughter I start to get pissy real quick. Saturday, January 27, 2001
I don't know if this is depression or some sickness. I hate it. It feels like some disgusting black disease taking over my body and mind. It creeps in over the course of a day or so and then just destroys you. I try to be positive, but it's just not working. I feel like everything in my life that could go wrong will, and that every breach of confidence is irreparable. Nothing will fix this and pull me out. I'm not sure what to do about the girl situation. It sucks getting violently different vibes by the minute. Is it her own life in flux causing this, or have I created this image of what everything and everyone is supposed to be and I don't know what to do when someone deviates from it? People are fairly predictable as a whole, but I'm not sure where to go with this particular specimen of the human race. Am I being paranoid? Am I just being stupid because I haven't dated anyone new for years and don't know what to do with someone I don't already know the inner workings of? I'm sick of knowing someone and not knowing at the same time. I want to learn; I want to be taught. I'm too impatient to wait and I cook up this perception in my mind like some sort of bubbling cauldron of stupidity. Why am I impatient with her? Why can't I let things be? Will I ever be happy with what I have? I want this to end and I want it to begin. There is this side of me that wants to map the course I'll take down the winding road of life; there is a side of me that wants to wander aimlessly through the desert and doesn't care where I end up. I need to get these perspectives to talk to each other and come to a happy medium so I don't kill myself via internal struggle. I have to learn to control and stop controlling my emotions. Someday I will learn again. I really should do so before I attempt to teach anyone else.
I am going to write an epic novel about the inherently cold nature of feet when you're not wearing socks. It will be titled "Sockless in January", and I have already sold the movie rights to USA Network. The guys who did "Atilla" are going to be producing the 4 part, 8 hour long miniseries of epic proportions that it will inevitably become. Hells yes, whatever that means. Snoogins the circus seal got tickets to see weezer at their sold out show in milwaukee from his girlfriend for valentine's day. The both of them will rot in hell for this. I watched Mallrats again last night. I still think Jason Lee is fucking hilarious in that movie, and any critics who think otherwise can blow me. The guy is funny and used to be a professional skateboarder - what else do you want from him? My neighbor felt it unimportant to return the favor of shoveling the whole fucking house at 5 last night after it snowed overnight, so now I will need to spend even more of my day doing useless, shitty stuff like dishes, laundry, shoveling snow, etc. There are some days I really wish I could just up and move and start over. I could move some place where I don't know a single person and work on my Friday, January 26, 2001
Man, I always get my hopes up when I shouldn't. I beat this expectation into my head and then get pissed when it doesn't work that way, and I really shouldn't because it's always something stupid that trips me up. I need to relax. My week of working from home has come to an end. This has been more difficult than I had expected. It's sort of a pain in the ass to sit on a conference call with a 3 year old playing with loud toys in the background. I also helped Carmen watch my stupid ex's other child. I hate looking at kids like that - predestined to be an arrogant, snotty little trust fund baby. It's pretty unfair that someone's life has to suck that bad from day one. She's 5 months old and her father hasn't had a job since a month before she was born. He quit working at Wells-Fargo because he didn't get a promotion he was expecting after six months, so he cashed in $10k worth of stock to live off until he decides it's about time to get another job. What a loser! Monday, January 22, 2001
Saturday, January 20, 2001
I hate this whole house buying process already, and I've barely even begun. I can't wait until I actually have to start dealing with the banks and realtors.. Friday, January 19, 2001
My god, I can't believe my work life right now. Here I sit in greater Chicagoland, sipping apple juice and feeling like I really honestly work at the same place that Dilbert does. We now have TWO change management procedures for everything imaginable. If I want to make a change to the network, I have to have my boss, our director of business development and an entire change management commitee approve it. Can you spell overkill? I can! It's spelled M-O-O-R-E. It's like being on a different plane of existance from the rest of the IT world. We take the heat when something that we didn't design, and have major qualms with the design of, breaks because we were trying to fix it or something else on the same system. What the fuck? Who's fault is it? Not mine! You wouldn't see me deploying an enterprise-wide Lotus Notes infrastructure (I could end it there) on NT (again) with no site to site MTA standard (stop anytime) with no basic NT resource domain structure in place to back it all up (ok, I'm done again). On top of it all, we decided to deploy a Lotus Notes cluster environment (bad move) with no automatic failover (you see a pattern here?), forgot to replicate about 5% of users' mailboxes to the entire cluster (yet another stop point) and then integrated so many of our business practices into Lotus Notes (I canna hold'er anymore, Cap'n!!) that when one of the cluster servers fails, WE LOSE 80% OF OUR GOD DAMN NOTES DATABASES! Jesus H Christ, who the fuck managed this stuff before, a chimp?!? Monday, January 15, 2001
The revolution will not be televised. And the practice of casual Friday is discontinued. We have a new dress code at work, all at a time when most companies are making huge strides in that allowing employees to dress comfortably (with good taste) may actually increase productivity. Ooh! Now there's a concept! I don't know who the fuck thought this was a good idea. So now I have these guidelines to follow: Casual Business is defined as clean, neat, and professional clothing. For women, this requirement includes, pant suits, dresses, dress slacks, skirts, knot tops, sweaters, blouses, blazer, shirts with collars, turtle necks, dress and loafer type shoes, nylons, and dress socks. For men, this requirement includes, slacks, shirts with collars, sport coats, sweaters, turtlenecks, socks, and suitable footwear. In Wisconsin, this definition applies to: Managers Unsuitable Attire: The following are examples of clothing that are not suitable under the Casual Business Attire Policy: · Athletic wear, including sweat pants, bicycle pants, leggings, and jeans. The dress code for production employees, plate makers, quality, and the Direct Mail Department has not changed. The practice of casual Friday is discontinued. These guidelines apply Monday through Friday, and will be effective starting Wednesday, January17th, 2001. Sunday, January 14, 2001
Blah blah blah blah blah. Listen. I'm out of ideas. I'm out of energy, I'm out of motivation. I'm out of concern. Saturday, January 13, 2001
This is why industrial music STILL sucks. I can't believe people are still coming up with band names like "Android Lust". How gay! When will these people grow out of it? I still enjoy the industrial stuff I was listening to in 95 (and the handful of bands that have progressed since then), but come on, this stuff was cool when I was an angry high school kid. Friday, January 12, 2001
I got a new server! Wheeeee! Ok, so maybe it's not the newest or best, but it works and isn't a 486. The server is a Compaq Prosignia 300 with about 20GB of storage (RAID 5 even!) and will be my new web server. I don't know what I'm going to call this one yet. The existing server (tallgeese) will remain in place as the Win2k domain controller and Exchange server, plus my personal file server on the LAN. Hopefully I can offload some of the stuff on that box and keep the CPU utilization at a reasonable level. Um, I have no idea why I'm bothering posting this. There's like one person who reads this crap on a regular basis that might possibly care. Anyway. Hrm. Looks like someone in Texas on AT&T's dial access network is leeching from my box. I wish I could move. There's a billion cool jobs out there, and I can't take a single fucking one of them because I'm stuck here. I should just go to court already and get this whole custody battle over with. I wish I had stock options, damn it. Thursday, January 11, 2001
FUCKING STUPID ASS INTERNET EXPLORER!!!!:IY'O ywf)YH I just lost the last 30 fucking minutes of this entry because IE picked THIS window to open a fucking page in. God damn it. Monday, January 08, 2001
FINALLY. My stupid ex just told me she's getting married. She's been engaged since around late July and just told me - 2 weeks before I have to spend a week working from home so she can go to the bahamas to get married. What a retard. Sunday, January 07, 2001
So I finally finished a song to a point where I feel comfortable with letting people listen to it. It will be over in the Music section. It's called 03 because ,like the lack of a band name in the first place, I'm too lazy and uninterested in adding that level of pretense to my music to come up with some snazzy name. I'm in the process of setting up a shoutcast server at http://www.sentrax.org:8000/. I have to get the stupid codecs working seperately from the shoutcast server because people have stupid fucking copyright laws on everything, so Nullsoft can't distribute everything you need to make it work in one simple package. Whadda ya know. The Afghan Whigs track mentioned in the last post is currently blasting out of my living room stereo. If I had shoutcast working, you'd already know that! Uh oh, scary music is on now. I'M ANNNNNNGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY because I'm friends with Fred Durst and he's getting all the honeys. Ok, so that's my lame impression of Staind. Thank you, I'll be here all week. Maybe I should come up with at least a band name. I don't want to be freakin prince or anything. I bought a new book. The Complete Poetry and Prose of William Blake. It's spiffy. I was listening to Ulver's "A Memorable Fancy - Plates 17-20" from (go figure) Themes from William Blake's The Marriage of Heaven and Hell, and I decided that maybe I should just pick up the book instead of reading from the archives. I'm pretty sure that the only thing on USA Network is La Femme Nikita. They've dropped all programming except that and "Strip Poker". Hold it, now hit it. |
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