W E B J O K E S
2000
| Friday, November 10, 2000 | ||
|
Priesthood Before the congregation A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 5. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy,junior and the spook. 6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 7. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 8. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 9. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's. Confessions The new preacher is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older preacher to sit in on his sessions. The new preacher hears a couple of confessions, then the old preacher asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old preacher suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new preacher tries this. The old preacher suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'" The new preacher says those things. The old preacher says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?' |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 10:48 AM |
||
| Wednesday, November 8, 2000 | ||
|
Government Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'" His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'" |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 9:09 PM |
||
|
Coin Tossing By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game." "How long could that have taken you?" "Well, I had to toss it 14 times." |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 9:07 PM |
||
|
Halloween One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweet!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman says to the child, "Go ahead honey, say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweet!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my damn cookies!" |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 9:07 PM |
||
| Monday, November 6, 2000 | ||
|
Hearing Aid Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing Aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 2:21 PM |
||
|
Compliment My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute." "What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him. "The drugs are wearing off," he replied |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 2:16 PM |
||
| Saturday, November 4, 2000 | ||
|
Funeral An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones his penis had died. Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful, decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm very sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls of the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and exclaimed, "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis died!" "It did," he replied. "Today is the viewing." |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 10:13 AM |
||
|
Windows God was fed up. In a crash of thunder He yanked up to Heaven two most influential men: Bill Clinton and Bill Gates. "The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the End of the World." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth. Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is, He's really mad and plans to end the world in a week." Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the two most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix WINDOWS!" |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 10:10 AM |
||
|
Whose the drunkest? Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes." The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog." |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 10:07 AM |
||
| Tuesday, October 31, 2000 | ||
|
Talking animals My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?" Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 4:02 PM |
||
| Friday, October 27, 2000 | ||
|
Be more specific! Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle. "Master, may I grant you one wish?" asked the genie with a smile. "Hey, don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barked Rodman. The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to his bottle forever." Dennis thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he said, "Okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed, "Now leave me alone!" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle. The next morning, Rodman woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health insurance. |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 4:36 PM |
||
| Thursday, October 26, 2000 | ||
|
Microsoft Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it." |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 8:02 PM |
||
|
Farming Technology A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and . . . everything else was automatic! Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine was programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk." |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 8:01 PM |
||
|
Marriage A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train, after the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married." "Why not", giggles the woman. "Good", he replies, "Get your own blanket!" |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 10:30 AM |
||
|
Cojones A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon." At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller. "Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time." |
||
|
posted by Matthew Sharp -- 10:29 AM |
||