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09/13/2001 10:46 AM:

I AM ALIVE. I AM ALIVE. I AM ALIVE.

I LOVE YOU GUYS. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR CONCERN WITH THE EMAILS AND GUESTBOOK ENTRIES AND EVERYTHING.

I will recount my experiences here when I have the time and the INTERNET ACCESS. I am still having to make use of this Internet Cafe in Times Square, which takes, practically, an Act of Congress to get yourself to right now because of all the shit that's happened.

My heart felt sympathies to all the people this wretched act of terrorism has touched.

Must depart now. LOVE YOU ALL. MWA.

09/09/2001 2:02 PM:

WELL, I have officially moved to New York City. I have accomplished the first BIG STEP of my dream. HOORAH. However, I am still without Internet access in my dorm room, and this definitely was NOT part of my dream plan...being without the World Wide Web. I am sitting here in this quaint, BIGASS Internet cafe in Times Square, typing away, paying by the minute to access my beloved site here. And of course you're thrilled to the core I am doing such a thing. Yes.

I just wanted to inform you guys that I haven't been shot or shoved onto any subway tracks or anything. School is swell, I suppose. My psychology professor's name is DR. PEPPER. Rock.

ANYWAY, if you feel so inclined, you can leave me voice mail messages using the number (212) 894-3750 ext. 2510. GO FOR IT. You know you want to.

I must now depart. This cafe isn't exactly cheap. FAREWELL.

08/29/01 2:42PM:

I am officially hauling my ass up to New York City tomorrow (08/30/2001) for college and will be without Internet access for an indefinite period of time. Hopefully the DSL people will connect my roommate and I rather quickly.

So toodaloo for now. Leave me super guestbook entries. MWA.

08/28/01 6:30PM:

Quote from livejournal.com:
"Maintenance. Things are down right now while we work on something. It should be up in a few minutes."

MY ASS.

08/24/01 2:40AM:

Thus far, I have done an abso-fucking-lutely amazing job at avoiding expressing my opinion towards the issue of CLONING and the entire debate surrounding the topic itself. I am personally very proud of my will power. I should be given an award, a goddamn PLAQUE, for veering away from this subject because, as you know, this is not exactly a CHIPPER matter, involving such a question of morals and ethics and religious motifs, with the Should We's, the Shouldn't We's, the Maybe's, and every other related objection in the book.

(Stay with me on this one. I do actually have some good points eventually.)

FEAR is the main argument against human cloning -- the opinion that we shouldn't "Play God." The FEAR that it would diminish genetic diversity leaving us more vulnerable to diseases and epidemics. The FEAR that evil dictators may use the technology to clone themselves after death or possibly use the science to create super armies of thousands upon thousands of Arnold Schwarzeneggers to take over the world. The FEAR that millionaires might clone themselves just to obtain organs for transplants. The FEAR that the technology has not yet been perfected, potentially resulting in wretched deformities, monsters, freaks, and death to the fetus. Etcetera, etcetera, so on and so on.

On the other hand, we have the more liberal, left-winged view of the matter: that, perhaps, this knee-jerk reaction of FEAR is not at all appropriate for the situation. These negative reservations can be compared to those directed against Galileo, who was arrested as being a heretic and was forced to renounce his monumental discoveries in astronomy under the threat of death, just for merely ruling out Ptolemy's theory of an Earth centered solar system. One is also reminded of the scientist Listerine who was ridiculed for his theories on germs. These may seem to be accepted facts now, but at the time of their discoveries, they were seen to be dangerous and sometimes even EVIL from Biblical stand points. This new cloning research, far from being inherently wretched, could revolutionize modern medicine as we know it. The field of gene therapy, the best hope for a cure of inheritable diseases such as cancer, is, possibly, most excited of all over the development, because the ability to manipulate differentiated cells from cloning has enormous potential in gene therapy research.

Both sides make excellent points, but what it basically all comes down to is this: Scientific Advancement vs. Humanity. Again. We always seem to end up here, in this piss poor debate.

So, by now, I'm sure you're wondering where I stand on cloning. WELL, golly gee. Funny how when I am asked this question I tense up and my mind goes completely blank. "deerrrrrr..." would be the politically correct term for it, I believe. But honestly, I really do not know. I. DON'T. KNOW. I am stumped. Bent, bewildered, confused, perplexed, baffled. Basically an entire slew of "puzzled" adjectives found in any decent thesaurus. In trying to find my point-of-view, I have concluded that PERHAPS you could even go as far as to say that I am FRIGHTENED. So IF, for some reason, I HAD to choose a position, I suppose I would fall into the "FEAR" category, mentioned above, 2nd paragraph, ya know, in big capital letters. Can't miss it.

Wow. Amber is leaning a bit to the right on a political issue. HOLY SHIT.

I understand cloning holds great promise for extensive medical and technological advancements, HOWEVER, I am INCREDIBLY uneasy over the the resulting implications.

Have you people not read the two fucking pieces of genius entitled Brave New World and 1984? I think, personally, that EVERYONE ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET should be required to read those two books early in life. Like, before you receive a Social Security Number or birth certificate or something of that sort, you should be required to pass a test on those two thought-provoking, interesting, SCARY novels. I think so, yes, to show that you UNDERSTAND what is beginning to occur in society today, so you can REALIZE that your freedom of individuality is slowly being stripped out from under you at an ever increasing rate through, for example, the MEDIA, surveillance cameras in stores, through this new caught-on-camera-running-a-red-light traffic ticketing system, through the black boxes in newer cars, THAT I BET YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WERE THERE, recording your driving techniques in case of a collision to end all suspicion of fault.

THAT is a fear of mine, the potential lack of individuality and uniqueness. The very thought of creating another person with the same genetic code is repugnant and disgusting because it violates human dignity and temperament types. I am not particularly fond of the phrase "playing God" since I consider myself an atheist, but I suppose my opinion would, inevitably, fall under that expression.

I am not extremely educated on how actual cloning goes down. Is your clone "born" as a baby (which I believe is correct) or is it molded into your adult form through some wicked machine during the procedure? Does it have your personality? These questions irk me to no end. I do not think a clone could have MY personality, for instance, because I do not believe in "souls" and "predestination" and that type of thing because of my agnosticism. I agree more with Locke's Tabula Rosa idea, that, we are brought into this world as a "blank slate" and that our personalities are shaped from our experiences and how we are raised as children.

SO, from my perspective, how COULD your clone have your personality? Unless put under the exact same joys and hardships you lived through as a child, how could this new person think the same as you AT ALL? HOW, in effect, could this thing, then, be even remotely considered your CLONE in more ways than physically?

It's all very confusing.

Have you read Mary Shelley's Frankenstein? NO, IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT A BIG, UGLY MONSTER RUNNING AROUND STIRRING SHIT UP. And, for the record, the monster's name is NOT Frankenstein. Dr. Victor Frankenstein is the man who brought the monster to life. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE CONFUSE THESE POINTS. It is a fabulous, in-depth story and is reduced to a shell of what it actually is with those small, trite accusations.

The heart of Frankenstein is its protagonist's struggle to deal with the responsibility for the tragic consequences of an overreaching scientific endeavor. The novel is a triumph of Gothic storytelling with its supernatural and horrifying depiction of science gone awry. The book is and will forever remain a relevant analysis of the dangers of science, a sensitive, complex exploration of the tension between developing the mind, knowing too much, creating and playing the Creator, exploring new ground, and crossing into forbidden territory.

The monster in Mary Shelley's novel was treated wretchedly. Society mislabeled the creature as dumb, savage, and brutal because of his appearance, whereas he is actually intelligent, kind and humane. This creation knows absolutely nothing when he first begins to exist and yet in a very short amount of time (compared to human learning) can walk, talk, read, write, and think logically. Proof to his logical thinking is throughout the novel but especially in his plan to make his creator, Frankenstein, feel his solitude and misery.

Point is, will we think of our clones in this way? Will people regard clones as simply "shadows" of their progenitors? Or even worse, will clones be treated as OBJECTS? Will the cloned infant have psychological problems? Will she/he view herself/himself as a Frankenstein monster of science?

CLONES are PEOPLE, too. They will have feelings, just like us. They will need companionship, they will become lonely. They will eventually become aware and understand that they were created for the sole purpose of research alone, instead of being brought into this world by a MOTHER and a FATHER who wanted and LOVED them. They may rebel or go insane or have severe mental issues from being simply labeled a PRODUCT of science and not being able to lead a normal a life. JUST LIKE the creature in Frankenstein.

THIS is the downfall of cloning and THIS is why I will never support it. Because it is simply an act of severe inhumanity by "playing God," reducing individuality and wreaking some major fucking havoc on the minds of the poor souls who are the clones themselves.

And I, FOR THE RECORD, refuse to be a part of it.

(Some information taken from The Case for Cloning Humans, Human Cloning, Frankenstein--Spark Notes, and Frankenstein--Novel Guide.)

08/23/01 6:24PM:

If people could please refrain from accenting their gestures when blogging (i.e. *snicker* ::snort:: *sigh*), THAT WOULD BE NICE, seeing as most of us find that type of thing incredibly annoying and obnoxious. THANKS.

The Stem Cell Research Rant -- 08/09/2001 2:25PM:

This entire Stem Cell Research debate is such a beautiful thing. I live for ripping pro-lifers new assholes, and this gives me yet another reason to do so. I am ecstatic.

Most people, I would assume, have been following this issue rather closely in the media and know the basics of the argument, but if you haven't, let me restate some of the main points before I begin a massive ranting.

With federal funding of embryonic stem cell research, it will be possible to find the cures to many diseases which wreak havoc upon millions of Americans, and other people around the world, every day, such as Parkinson's, Diabetes, Alzheimer’s, Cancer, Blindness, etc., etc., the list goes on and on. This research will potentially SAVE LIVES, making President Bush's decision to support the funding definitely PRO-LIFE. You cannot get more pro-life than this, and yet, Bush continues to struggle with the issue, mainly because these cells are considered "alive," they are looked upon as CHILDREN, by the absurd right-wingers, and if they are used for research, that, in effect, is murder, in their opinions.

Embryonic Stem Cells are undifferentiated cells, cells that give rise to other cell types, such as hair or skin cells, when they divide. The reason embryonic stem cells must be used, as opposed to adult stem cells, is because they proliferate indefinitely in culture, which means they could provide an unlimited source of virtually any other type of human cell. In theory, if stem cells can be grown and their development directed in culture, one could grow cells such as bone marrow, neural tissue or muscle.

The embryonic stem cells come from fertilized embryos less than a week old. They are 'surplus' embryos from couples undergoing in vitro fertilization. When couples undergo IVF, there are usually many more embryos produced than can be implanted. Sometimes surplus embryos are discarded; other times, they are donated to help other infertile couples or for research such as this.

Some diseases, such as Parkinson’s, are caused by cell defects. Replacing the faulty cells with healthy ones grown from stem cells offers the hope of lifelong treatment. Similarly, failing hearts and other organs, in theory, could be shored up by injecting healthy cells to replace damaged or diseased cells.

Human embryonic stem cells will offer new insights into the events that occur at the first stages of development -- insights that could help in preventing or treating birth defects, infertility and pregnancy loss. For instance, testing drugs on cultured human embryonic stem cells could help reduce the risk of drug-related birth defects.

And, for the record, these cells can absolutely NOT MAKE A WOMAN PREGNANT. If a cluster of these cells was transferred to a uterus, they would fail to implant or develop.

So my question is this: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS RESEARCH, YOU PRO-LIFE SELFISH SHITS.

You think a tiny cell in a paltry dish that cannot be seen with the naked eye is more important than a real, living, breathing, walking HUMAN BEING? Is this what you're telling us? WHAT NOW? Oh yes, let's raise hell about all the little cells not being given the chance to grow into a human, and not even care about the humans that are ALREADY HERE. Yes, that makes lots of sense. We'll just toss all of the sickly, DEFECTED half of our species aside to make room for all the embryonic stem cells that will be THROWN OUT ANYWAY.

IDIOTS.

There is one thing I enjoy about the pro-life side to this, however. They say, that if Bush is to compromise and allow federal funding for embryonic stem cell research, the aftermath will be devastating to his presidency politically because he will lose the core of his hardcore, pro-life right wing.

And you know what my opinion on this is? GOOD. FUCK 'EM. It'll give the Democrats a better chance with the 2004 election since you shallow, one-issue, pro-life voters can't handle the fact that the MAJORITY of the American people want this research. That the MAJORITY of the American people is PRO-LIFE, meaning they want the people who are already here to LEAD BETTER LIVES.

"I oppose Federal funding for stem-cell research that involves destroying living human embryos. I support innovative medical research on life-threatening and debilitating diseases, including promising research on stem cells from adult tissue." -- Bush's letter to Culture of Life Foundation, May 18, 2001

Like father, like son:

Bush #1: "I WILL NOT RAISE TAXES." And what do you know, he raised taxes.
Bush #2: "I WILL NOT SUPPORT EMBRYONIC STEM CELL RESEARCH." And what do you know, he is going to announce tonight (08/09/2001) that he supports it.

Irony is such a beautiful thing.

(Some information taken from MSNBC.)

UPDATE -- 7/24/2001 10:00PM:
For the record, THIS IS STILL NOT THE OFFICIAL RETURN. The look of the last "COMING SOON" page just did not rub me the right way, so I threw this thing here together. Also, I feel I need to say this immediately:

HOLY COW. All this time I thought I had lost my flair, my NACK, for bitching and moaning and ranting, and, here we are, 160 hits today and counting. I don't even have a foxy layout up or anything.

I STILL GOT IT. OH YEH.

Anyway, I'm off to New York City again for two days. (7/25 & 7/26) Leave me lovely guestbook entries and emails to return to.

BTW, I AM actually making progress on the site. I have been messing around with Greymatter again and am reorganizing the archives as we speak. HOW EXCITING. See, we'll be back in business in no time.

I missed this. Really. I did.

Toodaloo for now. LOVE YOU ALL -- with a few exceptions.

The Personality Disorder Rant:

WANT TO KNOW WHAT I FIND REPULSIVE.

I am utterly sick and tired of all these little nitwits running around the Internet, taking that ever so popular Personality Disorder Test and posting the results on their weblogs. And, if that isn't even enough in itself, they then proceed to declare in a state of joy, "SEE, I AM NUTS! YIPPIE!" for all the world to read and feel sorry for them over. Everyone thinks now, because of this mentality quiz, that they are insane, that they are nut cases, total lunatics.

Well, isn't this beautiful. Just swell. Yes Yes Yes. Something else for these little teenagers to use as an excuse to refer to themselves as cool. Yes, that's right. Somehow or another, being mental in society today is considered COOL by the young ones, the adolescent, the CHILDREN. It has turned into a fucking CONTEST now. "I AM MORE CRAZY THAN YOU BECAUSE...."

And what a repugnant concept this is.

Let me tell you something. NEWS FLASH. REALITY CHECK. It isn't cool to be mentally ill. NOT IN THE LEAST LITTLE BIT. It is wretched, horrible, disgusting, difficult. Excruciating, painful, nauseating, heart wrenching. YOU WANT TO CURL UP UNDER YOUR DESK AND DISSOLVE INTO THE CARPET WHEN YOU HAVE THESE THINGS, these disorders. They aren't just diseases. They are a WAY OF LIFE, a lifestyle. Do you understand that? Do you comprehend this?

Once you drive yourself into one of these illnesses (or are even born with one), only YOU can get yourself out. Not Mom, not Dad, not your FRIEND ACROSS THE STREET. YOU and only YOU are responsible for what goes on inside your head. When you have a mental illness, YOU'RE STUCK WITH IT. There's no turning back. (Unless of course you are willing to check yourself into a mental institution for a few years. And even that solution isn't fool proof.) Do you think this is funny? Do you think this is COOL now? Go ahead, tell yourself you have control over the beast. Fool yourself into thinking you can snap out of it anytime you please. TRY, I dare you. There's a line you cross, there is a point of no return in which the sickness manifests itself inside your skull, brands its cause deep inside you, scattering the remnants and ashes of your life before into the wind, giving you that empty feeling, leaving you to live for what you are now without.

And I'd be willing to bet you money you cannot even relate to that. You're thinking, "What the hell is she talking about?" And you know what that means? If you can't relate to it? It means you DON'T HAVE A MENTAL DISORDER. Yes, even though that popular little test said that you possibly have a "HIGH" chance of it, YOU DON'T HAVE A MENTAL DISORDER.

Can you see now why this little yes/no quiz HURTS me, distresses me, puts me all in a tizzy. Everyone and their brother thinks now, that because of this quiz, this darling MENTAL STATUS TEST, that they must have an odd mixture of Borderline, Avoidant, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Paranoid, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive, Narcissistic, Antisocial, and Histrionic Personality Disorders. You say them enough, you write them out, they start to blend together, don't they?

"YES, I HAVE ABOUT HALF OF THOSE," you say, when you DON'T KNOW SHIT. When, in reality, it is IMPOSSIBLE to have more than three or four, even as little as TWO, in some cases, at one time. And you know why?

1) If you TRULY had that many discrepancies floating around inside your head, YOU'D HAVE KILLED YOURSELF A LONG TIME AGO. You couldn't stand to LIVE like that. Your head would destroy the rest of you in two minutes flat.

2) It's not really feasible to have half of those disorders listed above because, in one way or another, they all contradict themselves.

And so, I am PISSED. Because, I'll bet, less than 10% of the websurfers actually taking that test have the diseases they are told they have. The questions on the thing are so BROAD. Any normal J. Crew prep bastard who took that quiz could get a "High" or "Very High" on "Obsessive-Compulsive" or "Narcissistic." When everyone has taken this questionnaire and everyone thinks they are sick with something, the seriousness of the actual disorder itself gets watered down, reduced to a shell of what it was. And that IS PITIFUL.

Take ADD and ADHD, for example. SO MANY KIDS are diagnosed with this mental problem and stuck on Ritalin that no one takes the actual disease seriously anymore. I don't even think it's for real, when I am sitting here ARGUING AGAINST THIS VERY FUCKING POINT. Every parent in denial that has raised a rowdy little prick that can't behave in school and gets bad grades is rushed immediately to the doctor's office, automatically assuming there must be something mentally or physically WRONG with them. Because, you know, it certainly can't just be BAD PARENTING, no no no. They COULDN'T POSSIBLY just be little brats because you RAISED THEM THAT WAY, because they were never taught to BEHAVE and LISTEN.

Fact: The United States alone consumes 90% of the world's Ritalin. NINETY PERCENT of the entire GLOBE'S Ritalin. WHAT DOES THIS TELL YOU.

It tells you that mental disorders are over-diagnosed. And, most of all, it tells you that, that poor guy in the corner who actually has ADD or ADHD is perceived as a joke, as just another kid who can't focus. When he actually CAN'T.

Do you see what I am saying here? If EVERYONE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER, they aren't a big deal anymore. And the true people suffering from the things are left to sit on their sides of the room, left to be picked on, left to be miserable all their lives until they finally KILL THEMSELVES. Then everyone else is left to stand around with their heads up their asses, wondering what went wrong, WHEN THIS IS WHAT WENT WRONG.

Don't say you're screwed up unless you're SCREWED UP. Don't cut yourself just to be CUTTING YOURSELF. Don't be STUPID.

The real world, the "perfect life" of the models in the Abercrombie catalogs might be BULLSHIT, might be RIDICULOUS and PREPPY to you, so you prefer the darker side of life, the MENTAL DISORDER world. Personally, HONESTLY, I admit I'd rather be the popular girl in those brand name, expensive clothes, head of my own little clique. I want to live like that, oblivious to everything, high on life, so ignorantly HAPPY that the only major crisis would be the BANANA REPUBLIC RUNNING OUT OF KHAKIS. I'd choose that life, as opposed to being stuck inside your own head, watching everyone else live their lives, even if they are fake.

Are you getting the drift, those of you who think it's GNARLY to be messed up in the head? The world is already FUCKED, why fuck up your own world even more with a made-up disease. Leave the worrying to those of us who actually have the problems, with the Leos, the Andys, the Mulders and all the other issues that come with the territory.

You don't even have a clue as to what I am speaking of. And ya know what? Keep it that way. Stay stupid, stay happy. ENJOY BEING A DUMBASS. The best way to live is in ignorance.

The Inevitable Returning Announcement:

This would be the consistency of my return, I suppose.

Three Twenty-Five Ay-M. All is quiet, the air is still. Mother is downstairs, resting on the futon. She is reading, perhaps. May have fallen asleep, I do not know. The TV is on, muted, kindling bewitching shadows along the wall adjacent to my line of sight. The shadows reflect that of A&E airing ancient episodes of Law & Order. If you're going to ignore something, might as well be something you enjoy.

For those of you who know me best, who still remain, before settling back into the comfort of my anecdotes, I present you with a timeline. Wispy is the tone. How enticing:

The year 2000: Weblogs are the shit. They stand for fun, for play, for instant release and gratification. Anyone who is anyone has a Blogger account, several even.

October 15, 2000: Ooooner.com is born. God frowns.

October 19, 2000: I install one of those counters. It appears I have an audience. I am frightened.

November 2000: The terror of the Presidential Election takes hold. I rant, rave, bitch, moan, complain, scream, and silently beat the shit out of anyone with an opinion that contradicts my own. And the hits, they are a-comin'.

Winter 2001: In strolls the Complaint Department. This era consists of nothing more than a series of things that are pissing me off. I keep to my own corner of the web, everyone else to their's. All is well.

Mid-March 2001: Things get ugly. The web has turned hostile, unappealing. Constantly in fear of being attacked and burned at the stake consumes me. Interest fades. The beginning of the end, perhaps.

April, May 2001: Ooooner.com comes to a screeching halt, as do quite a number of other domains. A few updates every now and again to hold the reader's attention, many unreliable promises are given, and traffic inevitably slows to no more than forty hits per day. My voice is silenced.

July 17, 2001: I begin plotting once more.

I am no longer a child. Moreover, a young adult now. You take your first step, then suddenly you've graduated high school and are left standing alone outside that auditorium after the commencement ceremony, staring blankly at the classmates with whom you've spent the past eighteen years of your life, just now coming to the realization you will never see these people again, EVER, all the while wondering where the fuck your childhood ran off to. It's all too fast, America. TOO FAST.

About this time the hype of The Blog has died. The Internet community itself has collapsed. The thrill and popularity of "blogging" and maintaining a weblog has diminished, and we're left with this stale, incoherent taste in our mouths, waiting for the next "sure thing" to come along and plummet everyone from their boredom into something bigger, better, and more exciting that will possibly hold our attention, keep us on the edge of our seats for another odd year or so.

And this is life. This is the constant, redundant existence we all will go on to lead. We all live in pure torture, EVERY ONE OF US. Some just tend burn in a more "comfortable" hell than others. The Homecoming Queens and these darling J. Crew couples holding hands in the park with their matching Volvos and Chocolate Labs have it SO EASY. Then there are those who question authority, resist the system, become the Timothy McVeighs, end up coming to school one day and blowing a few fellow classmates' heads off, killing themselves, and the world is left in shock, crying out, "WHY, GOD WHY." But this is why. And, shockingly, no one says it.

So this is where I come in. ENTER ME.

With all my tact, in all my glory, I exclaim FUCK YOU. A;FGASFKAS;HFVAKFJA;. GUYS, THIS IS NOT A NICE PLACE. The world is ugly, threatening, abusive. We are thriving in a controlling, fake-democracy here, behaving like sheep, lining up everso slowly, one by one, to do nothing more than reach the end of the line, bend over and let George W. Bush, & cohorts, FUCK us over.

And so, for one goddamn reason or another, I feel compelled to seep back into reality, come out of the woodwork and show my thick skin again. I feel almost a responsibility to you people. To piss and moan and cause a fit. Why? Fuck if I know. Possibly I am sick of all the "Come back!" emails and guestbook entries. Maybe I am tired of surfing the Internet, reading other people's sorry excuses for witty, motivating, inspiring, stand-up-and-scream-HELL-YEAH opinions when I could be sharing my own and causing a few controversies on the side.

So, I am back, a slave to my readers once more. If for no other reason than to shove my opinions down your throats.

You know you're excited. Admit it.

NOW BE PATIENT AND GIVE ME SOME TIME TO REORGANIZE, WILL YA.

Hugs and chocolate cookies.

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