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so, we've had our new bed for two nights now, but i've been completely unable to enjoy it since I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP!!! this sucks. i've been having a lot of trouble w/ my neuropathy, and it's keeping me from getting any real kinda rest. sure, i lay on the couch all night, nodding off from time to time.. but it's not comfortable and it's in no way restful. this is really pissing me off! i guess i'll just have to get used to being a tired, achey, cranky bastard.
hrm.. and i really have nothing else to say, coz my life consists entirely of being in pain and not being able to sleep these days. fucking hell!
:: 06:31
i haven't slept well at all tonight. we went to bed around 11:30pm. my legs and lower back were bothering me a lot at the time, as was the feeling of the sheets rubbing against my numb/tingling toes. anyway, i ended up getting to sleep somehow.. but i think i woke up around 2am and ended up staggering out here to lay down on the couch. i'm not sure why i didn't just go back to bed at that time like i normally do.. but whatever. Hilatron came and woke me up around 4:30 in the morning, and i tried going back to bed w/ her. i miss sleeping w/ her. it's bad enough i'm having all these other problems.. i really wish i could just get a full night of rest in bed w/ my gf. anyway, it should be obvious that i couldn't sleep. now i'm up again, feeling very stiff and achey, not really wanting to go back to sleep on the uncomfortable couch. fuck! i'm so sick of this bullshit..
:: 04:58
<skrilla> and you see, 3d max is more of a programming gig, cinema 4d xl focuses on the artist and not the programming crap
and that, boys and girls, is why i'm idle 99% of the time on IRC..
:: 18:01
i'm tired of waking up at like 4:30am every night, my feet and legs hurting, unable to fall back asleep. Hilatron and i stopped at a Sleepy's on the way home from breakfast/lunch, just to look around at mattresses, and ended up purchasing a nice queen size mattress and box spring set. it's got a nice pillow top which we found to be neither too soft or too firm, compared to other mattresses we tried. hopefully i'll be able to sleep better now, w/o my feet hanging off the end of the bed like they do now.
now we have a cable modem and cable TV. this is a good thing, and prolly a bad thing as well, as it means more time will be spent in front of the various large screens in the living room. mmm, bandwidth. mmm, hundreds of channels of crap! more stuff to watch while i'm stuck sitting around the house, i guess.
:: 14:37
i HATE insulin reactions..
:: 16:23
so i guess i'm outta touch w/ what's making waves these days, coz i hadn't heard of the Stile Project until someone on IRC mentioned it today. i guess there's been a lot of hoopla over some shit that got posted there. why? coz ppl are dumb, and have nothing better to do than get all uptight over something they saw on the 'net. anyway, the Stile Project site reminds me of the days when i worked w/ a bunch of guys who liked to send each other gross-out pics from sites like rotten.com. i bet they're all over this site.
it's quite hot and muggy today. yuck! i'm ready for fall to roll in and cool things off a bit. i dunno if NYC is worse in the summer or winter. i really hate trudging thru the snow and slush - not to mention trying not to slip on the icey sidewalks and kill myself - in the winter, but at least you can come in and be warm, change into something dry, and get away w/ being a bit of a hermit for a couple months. in the summer you just come inside and find that the apt is hotter than outside, have to pay an insane utility bill if you run your AC too often, and sweat like mad into everything you wear. then there's the smell. ewww, the smell! so yeah, i think summer is the worst time to be here. fuck global warming, we need another ice age.
i was out dropping off a Rx for a refill and there was this guy selling books and magazines on the sidewalk. i stopped to peruse the selection and ended up picking up a nice big chart of population growth from an old issue of National Geographic and one of the Dune books for $1. i like cheap stuff.
my dad was down to visit the other day. i hadn't seen him since i was diagnosed w/ diabetes, and i think he just wanted to come see me in person, to see that i was okay and kinda catch up. on the same day i received a package of "powerful medicine" from my mom, which included vitamins, my first teddy bear and sock monkey, sugarless candy, various trinkets and charms, a card and a few other items. parents are funny, but in a good way. i'm really glad i've got family who're concerned w/ how i'm doing and actively trying to help me as best they can from where they are. i'm also really grateful for all the love and support of Hilary, who's been so patient and understanding as i deal w/ all the problems i've been having lately.
tomorrow they come to install my cable modem. i can't wait! ever since i've been outta the CFO.com office i've been suffering from bandwidth widthdrawal. it's terrible being forced to download big files to my shell and set up big batch downloads when i've got time to tie up the phone and slow down my connection to the outside world. soon all that'll be over though. i'm kinda thinking about getting a webcam, so ppl can watch me sit around and pick my nose all day or whatever. i'm sure there's a huge audience for that, right? anyway.. i'm still looking for an affordable way to get my Cube and PowerBook online at the same time w/o having to string ethernet to all of the places i might wanna sit w/ the laptop (i dunno how i'm gonna get some cat5 in the bathroom). i think the cheapest solution would be to go w/ an AirPort card in both machines and just use the Cube as a software base station when i wanna get the PowerBook online. now i just have to consider the relative merits of running some kinda firewall software on the Cube if i do indeed go that route..
i think it's time for a nap. mmm, sleep.. i really miss it.
:: 14:55
exciting news.. i'm finally getting a cable modem this weekend! it's about fucking time that i got a broadband connection here, and don't have to put up w/ sub-56K dial-up anymore. mmm, bandwidth! i'm going to have to pick up some kinda router so i can network my Cube and PowerBook. i'm considering the Xsense XRouter Aero, which would allow me to connect the Cube via ethernet and the PowerBook w/ an AirPort card.
we're also getting cable TV. that could be good or bad. it'll be nice to have a few more channels of crap to choose from when we wanna watch TV, but i can see myself spending way too much time in front of the tube, since i'm just sitting around doing nothing these days.
:: 08:10
last night i caught part of the Condit interview on PrimeTime. talk about nervous and evasive.. clearly the man's got quite a guilty conscience. as well he should, too. he's definitely not doing anything to make politicians look any less like the snakes they are.
my ankles hurt like crazy today. i am not at all down w/ diabetes. it's been a rough week so far. i went to the opthalmologist the other day. fortunately, i don't show any signs of diabetic retinopathy. unfortunately, i do have some small cataracts that are outside of my main line of sight, which is why i've never had any trouble w/ them, but they're uncommon for someone my age. bah! i can't just get some good news once in a while, can i? i also got a call from the NYS Dept. of Health yesterday. it seems a recent urine test for heavy metals turned up a significant enough trace of arsenic that the state gov't has decided to keep tabs on me and question me on certain aspects of my career, lifestyle and diet in an attempt to determine where i may have been exposed to arsenic and/or mercury. woohoo! it's nice that the doctor who ordered that test doesn't think it's important enough to contact me about the results, and i get to hear about from some gov't spook instead. my faith in doctors is waning.
i must make lunch..
:: 13:21
hrm.. what is the musical genre called "stonerdoom" all about then?
:: 22:17
all of this sickness is so tiring. i spent all day Friday, some of Saturday morning, and a good chunk of today being horribly sick to my stomach. i had originally thought it was due to having my Neurontin dosage doubled, but i'm not entirely sure if that's the case now. maybe it's something i've been eating.. though i've not had anything really out of the ordinary the last couple of days. whatever it is, i really don't need to be sick like that in addition to all the other problems i'm dealing w/ at the moment. this really sucks!
i'm ready for a day w/o pain, a full night of sleep, and a huge starchy meal of Indian food followed by a nice sugary dessert.. but no. *sigh*
:: 17:03
well, it's been a while.. what's happened?
the heatwave's over. it's still sorta humid, but not nearly as terrible as it was last week. i realized yesterday that i did almost nothing around here last week, coz it was just too painful to function. you really can't trust the weather. fucking planet.. we should just blow it up and move to space, where it's nice and cold.
i saw a neurologist last week. he confirmed that i do indeed have neuropathy. yay! i sure do love nerve damage. it's great fun. especially the part where there's lots of needless pain, and all the not sleeping i've been doing because of it. yes, great fun! anyway, the neurologist prescribed some Neurontin, which is normally used to treat epilepsy. it doesn't seem to be doing a whole fucking lot for me, but i hear it's the kinda thing where they have to slowly increase your dosage until they figure out just how much you need, and i'm currently on the beginner dose. ah well.. i hope it helps in the long run. i have a follow-up w/ the neurologist in about a month, and he's sent me for a couple of tests in the meantime, to get a better feel for exactly how fucked up i am. one of these tests was called an EMG, during which they also performed a nerve conduction velocity test. if your doctor ever suggests you have one or both of these tests, you might wanna ask him exactly how necessary it is. i had no idea what i was in for when i went to the hospital to have these tests done yesterday, and i really wish they'd told me ahead of time so i could have been a little more prepared mentally. while i'm sure there's some valuable medical data gather by these tests, the person(s) who devised the methods of gathering said data was clearly a fucking sadist. also, whomever wrote up the desciption of the NCV test that i linked to on WebMD has clearly never had one of these tests performed on them, or they'd definitely have written something very different about how the test will feel. no discomfort, my ass!
i guess it's time i started thinking about what i'm going to do next, in terms of employment. i had been giving some thought to moving away from NYC, but i don't think i'm ready to do that yet. i need more time here. i love the city, it's just a bit expensive to live here, and i will just have to come to terms w/ needing to find some kinda real job that pays well and provides good health insurance, even if it means working in some wack office doing some job i don't like much (which is no different than what i've been doing the last 9 months or so). blech! i'm thinking i might try to do some freelance work for a while, which will give me some kinda freedom from office hell. with that in mind, i'm wondering if i should pick up some kinda cheap-but-capable PC, so i can do proper site testing and such. i don't really wanna own a PC though..
more later..
:: 11:37
it's good to be unemployed. i feel no pressure to do much of anything. my biggest concern today is what i will do if it gets to be too hot to stay in my apartment. it's supposed to get up around 95-100° in NYC today, and w/ no AC in the living room it might be a little unbearable here in the in the afternoon. so, i'm contemplating going to see a movie, or maybe going to a museum to wander around and kill some time. if i could find some place to go sit around w/ my PowerBook and make ppl jealous, that'd be fun..
i went to work for a little while yesterday afternoon. the general mood of that place is horribly depressing. so much so that i fled before i had a chance to talk to my (ex-) boss about what he might need from me before i officially part ways w/ the company. he really seems to be in denial of the whole situation there, however. he's more concerned w/ some obscure problem that's causing a delay in the time it takes Vignette to build the base page for the site, rather than noticing that his whole tech team is actively looking for new jobs and that the rest of the company is crumbling around him. everyone's pretty unhappy there. i'm definitely glad i was one of the ppl layed off.
now, if i could just figure out what i'm gonna do w/ myself next. oh well.. i've got plenty of time for that.
:: 11:53
so, the big news from a few days ago is.. CFO.com went and "reorganized" 40% of their staff. a couple ppl from tech (including myself), most of the editorial department, business development, one half of marketing, a couple VPs and senior management types, and the president of the company. apprarently the Economist Group is in a bad way, financially. good for them! anyway, i guess this means i'm free from the job i've hated for so long. on one hand, it's definitely a relief. on the other hand, i would've preferred to have ended the whole thing on my own terms, when i had something to show for my time there and had a little more time to save and prepare for what i'm gonna do next.
and that's the big question right now.. what do i do next? i've been pretty burnt out by the whole Web design/development thing for a while now. ideally, i'd like to find something outside of that industry. the problem is, i'm not sure what that something else would be.. nor do i have any kinda training in another profession which i can fall back on. if i wasn't living in NYC, i'd prolly take some time off from the whole working thing and try to get my brain together. i don't really know how that's gonna be possible here though, as i'm gonna run through my savings and severance pay pretty quickly, just paying the rent and shit. well.. i'm sure i'll find something.
it's been nice to have a few days out of the office. i've completely lost track of what day it is already. today i decided i should get out of the house, so i went and saw Jurassic Park III in the middle of the afternoon. it was nice that Bianca was able to escape the office, since there's not a lot going on there w/ the ppl who've still got jobs, and come to the movie w/ me. as expected, this sequel was pretty much all about some gratuitous ppl-eating, which is all i hoped to get out of it in the first place. mmm, fleshy human prey!
my legs are still pretty fucked up. i'm now taking Ultram to help kill the pain and allow me to sleep at night. i'm not taking it during the day, coz it fucks me up something serious. i get nauseaus, light-headed, and feel really boggled. it's no good, especially when i need to function in any way. however, it does help me get some real sleep at night.. once i manage to get to sleep in the first place. fucking diabetes.. i'm sick of it already! sometimes i think it'd be more pleasant to just drink a few liters of Coke and slip into some kinda coma.
it's so fucking hot in the city. i went for a walk tonight, coz i figured it'd help me legs feel a little less stiff and achey. everyone's out on their stoop tonight, or sitting out on the sidewalk in some kinda beach chair. strange.. but i understand, coz it's insanely hot in this apartment some nights. anyway, i think it's time for a shower, before i go get in bed.
:: 22:48
bwahaha.. i'm getting laid off! more details to follow.
:: 09:17
so, i've been doing some research on WebMD lately, trying to gather up some information for the next time i see my doctor. i've decided that fibromyalgia is some unpleasant sounding shit, which also happens to have symptoms that match up pretty closely w/ the problems i've been having lately. lovely!
on one hand, i feel like i might be getting a little paranoid about what's really wrong w/ me. on the other hand, if i'm not paranoid about it, i can't necessarily rely on anyone else to be. my GP's very good at what he does, and i have no reason to believe he's not looking out for my best interests, but i also feel like things can easily slip through the cracks if i don't keep track of the information i get from him and the various specialists i'm seeing. i never used to worry too much about my health. now it's the main thing on my mind, most of the time. funny how things can change so much in a little more than a month.
i managed to catch up on my sleep a bit this weekend, but not as much as i'd have liked to. i can get a few hours sleep at a time, but i don't think i ever really get into any kinda deep sleep. i've been using Advil and pot to ease my aches and pains during the day, and to be honest, i think the marijuana's helping more than the Advil. i've been taking a combination of Tylenol PM and these valerian/kava kava pills to help me sleep at night, but yesterday i read that the active ingredient in Tylenol somehow inhibits the production of a chemical your body needs to heal itself in the case of neuropathy, so i may stop taking that.
this office is the last place i wanna be today.. i can only hope and pray that listening to a lot of Slayer will ease the suffering of being here..
:: 12:17
since i work for a company that's part of The Economist Group, i occasionally skim thru the latest issue of The Economist when it shows up in the office. i don't usually find much worth reading, as i find the tone really smug, and it's basically a newspaper for crazed capitalists/imperialists. however, the current issue contains a very interesting survey of illegal drugs, which discusses the various ways our society tries (and fails) to control drug use and trafficking, and the harm it's done. definitely worth a read, should you care about such things..
:: 21:27
The Secret Connections between "Fight Club" and "Calvin and Hobbes" REVEALED! excellent..
:: 07:59
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